6 weeks pregnant - husband doing my head in!

[JuliaJames1000]

Hi all! I’m new to the mumsnet community and I need some advice / opinions. I found out just over 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant (first time) - I’m absolutely thrilled and terrified at the same time!

So my husband and I used to enjoy going out for drinks and the occasional use of cocaine with friends. I have obviously abstained from any of that since finding out I’m pregnant, but I am finding it very difficult to see my husband carry on our normal life. I know it’s not reasonable of me to ask him to stop, but I would have hoped that he would cut back. He did cocaine last Friday and Saturday and is doing it again this weekend (and will no doubt do it again next weekend as we’re seeing friends we always tend to do it with). He thinks I should be able to go and join him and everyone in the pub whilst they all get annihilated and not find it difficult to be in that atmosphere, and at the same time have to come up with excuses for why I’m not drinking. I said could we please have weekends where they don’t revolve around booze and he said fine but that he was still going to drink. I think I’m just upset because I feel like this is all on my shoulders - I’m the one who is always trying to talk about the pregnancy. He hardly ever talks about it because he wants to wait until our first scan to make sure everything is okay because he knows people who have had miscarriages before 12 weeks. Has anyone else had to deal with anything similar? I know I’m not being very easy to deal with at the moment, I’m snapping at him a lot and just feeling so angry with him all the time. Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t want to stop him from drinking or going out, but I just want to feel supported as well! And I also do want to say that I love him to bits, he is very supportive and loving in other ways and I know this all very new and scary for him as well. Thanks in advance for any advice!

Basically he's a drug addict. Were you taking cocaine when you were TTC? That's just grim.

He won't change once the baby is here. You are only going to get more annoyed with him as your pregnancy goes on. He will still be snorting coke and getting smashed on alcohol on the weekends when you have an infant.

I don't think two drug uses having a baby is a very good idea.

Users

I don't think this is really going to turn out well. Not judgemental about coke use in the abstract much but do you really think he's going to change this lifestyle when your baby's born? You'll be at home feeding and changing nappies and getting up around the clock and he'll still be out on benders with friends.

I’m confused. You don’t think it would be reasonable to ask him to stop using coke now you are pregnant. What are you thinking will happen when the baby is here?

You’ve made changes because you’re pregnant.
He isn’t. He doesn’t see why he should change.
Doesn’t bode well once baby arrives.

The pregnancy is just the start. Will he be taking cocaine when you have a newborn/an older baby/ a toddler? Did you discuss this beforehand?

Have you been taking coke before you knew you were pregnant? Unless this pregnancy was a total accident, it doesn't bode well that neither of you were willing to give up drugs while trying to conceive.

He's not father material. I'd plan on being a single parent if I were you.

What is he going to do when the baby comes?
I imagine he will tell you he will stop when the baby comes, but that wont be the reality.
It'll be you left at home whilst he is out partying.
This is a recipe for disaster

When I found out I was pregnant my husband went cold turkey smoking.

How old are you both?
Is the issue you feel left out or is it because he is doing drugs still?

Is this a planned pregnancy?

Two weeks in there isn’t much to discuss so I don’t know why you need to talk about it all the time. But you’re mad if you think him carrying on snorting your family money up his nose and getting shit faced every weekend isn’t going to make you so resentful you’ll hate him.

I mean, of course pregnancy is all on your shoulders, only women can have babies, it was always all going to be on you. But getting pregnant by a hard drug user means it’s inevitable that you won’t get the support you need and that a lot of women get.

Are you okay with drugs and drug using going on under your roof when there’s a small baby living there? A toddler? A child?

Are you going to stay with him when you realise he won’t ever stop doing it?

Well ideally you wouldn’t need to ask him to stop his cocaine and drinking habit now you’re pregnant, he should realise the two lifestyles aren’t compatible. I haven’t asked my DH to stop drinking but he asks how I’m feeling and if I want a drink. He won’t have one or he’ll wait until I go to bed because he knows it no fun to have something you can’t do shoved in your face.

Yes, people sadly miscarry. I can understand not getting excited until the scan but you should be able to talk about the pregnancy. Maybe not things like names or picking a pram. However, you should be able to tell him if you’re excited or anxious or nauseous. Your body is changing as a result of the pregnancy and you need to talk through some of those changes and those feelings that generates.

I just read the op out to my husband and he said if sounds like it's not real for your partner yet and as he wants to wait until the 12 week scan then he might change after that? Also that it doesnt sound like him drinking and taking drugs is the issue more that you feel left out but even if he is out every weekend you should both Alos make plans together during the day so that your weekends are not solely revolving around drinking etc

Not great is it

It sounds like you were both into partying but that can't happen when you've got small kids

You should tell your midwife your husband is. Drug user. And that you were

I just want to warn you that you’re going to receive a lot of heavily judgemental responses because you’ve mentioned coke. If you have a look at some previous discussions around drugs there is a pretty firm split and many posters are really anti drugs so won’t be able to offer you very good advice as they’ll be focussed on the drug taking rather than the general idea of husband who is social and partying and hasn’t changed behaviour now that you’re pregnant. It could be that he naturally adjusts as you get further into pregnancy and I don’t think we can assume he’ll keep partying when there is a young baby to look after. I have plenty of guy mates who partied in their youth and who are now great dads who 90% of the time are not partying - they might do an occasional night out here and there but nothing their wives wouldn’t be okay with. It could just be that as you say it’s such early days, it’s summer, we’ve all just been released from lockdown and he might view this as his last chance to go out with you and friends before you get settled into new baby life.

I have plenty of guy mates who partied in their youth and who are now great dads who 90% of the time are not partying

I'm willing to bet a modest sum that they weren't still doing big drinking and Class A bouts during their partner's pregnancy but then suddenly cleaned up their act when the baby was born. In most cases, the men in question got older and naturally moved away from the party lifestyle by choice, and incidentally also became fathers as they grew older. A man who sees no reason why he shouldn't do coke twice a week every week during his partner's pregnancy sounds to be one of the many, many, many men who see absolutely no reason why their life should change with parenthood, no matter that the mother's has been turned completely upside down.

This is a significant drug habit. You're 6 weeks pregnant and you've known about your pregnancy for what? Two weeks, say? You expect a seismic lifestyle change. Believe me, I'm on your side here, OP. I'd want that immediate and seismic change too. But unfortunately, your husband has a drug habit and all the hedonism that goes with it... that's going to be a beast to shake. This is bigger than you realise.

@TheVanguardSix

This is a significant drug habit. You're 6 weeks pregnant and you've known about your pregnancy for what? Two weeks, say? You expect a seismic lifestyle change. Believe me, I'm on your side here, OP. I'd want that immediate and seismic change too. But unfortunately, your husband has a drug habit and all the hedonism that goes with it... that's going to be a beast to shake. This is bigger than you realise.

This

I would say that you understand he wants to wait until the 12 week scan before it feels real but that you need some support ahead of that time.

You’re well within your rights to request that the nights out drastically reduce from now.

Myself and DP party on occasion, and I would definitely expect focus to shift to me and baby pretty sharply but would try to be understanding if it didn’t quite click firmly in his mind that this “is really happening” immediately.

I also know that when I’m anxious about something happening I try not to speak about it until I’m sure, so try to assume the best about his intentions and that he’s waiting to talk about baby until he feels less anxious after the 12 week mark.

As you say, he’s a great guy in general and my bet is that he also wants to be a great dad and good partner to you during pregnancy too, so please don’t write him off as some posters are suggesting.

Hey OP just to warn you this isn't the best place to get advice on this issue as mumsnet is generally really really anti drugs. So you're not likely to get responses from social drug users who have had a similar situation. It does sound like your partner is being extremely inconsiderate and thoughtless which doesn't bode well for what's to come. But I agree with the PP that if you're only two weeks in it may not feel at all real to him and things may change after the first scan. In terms of when the baby is born you should try to agree some boundaries, like one big night out each every few months or whatever. And while pregnant make sure you get time to do stuff that's fun for you that doesn't involve drinking.

It doesn't sound like 'occasional' use at all. It sounds like regular, sustained use.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

I don't think this is really going to turn out well. Not judgemental about coke use in the abstract much but do you really think he's going to change this lifestyle when your baby's born? You'll be at home feeding and changing nappies and getting up around the clock and he'll still be out on benders with friends.

Agree with this.

You are going to be in for a very bumpy road. This lifestyle isnt compatible with good parenting.

Short term: start saving money aggressively in a separate savings account. I would do this on the basis that i would assume a strong chance i would end up a single parent.

It sounds alarmist but honestly when you go on mat leave money will be a lot tighter and if you need to leave a deposit and if/when you break up housing costs can runs to thousands quickly. Childcare is also very expensive.
Midterm: I would be planning to return to work full time you are likely to be a single parent and will need max earning power.

I feel your agony. I know a lot of ppl that have went through a similar situation (not me) and it's really disheartening when your partner can't change or see things from your perspective.

I don't agree with a lot of other ppl on this post saying that he has a drug addiction etc ( if your honest in saying it's only weekend/recreational usage). However , I do feel it's a lifestyle that he craves that can be difficult to give up. Maybe as time goes on and your bump grows things will become a little more real for him. In the meantime , could you suggest that you alternate weekends at home and going out ? Suggest other activities that interest him rather than the pub etc ?

I know you have already spoken with him, but maybe have another chat - be honest in how you feel and ask him to think about what's more important to him right now. Men can be selfish, but sometimes they are also just a bit silly and need a gentle reminder that life is going to change during pregnancy and u need his support.

Maybe he's not wanting to get too excited before your 12 weeks are over due to others experiences? Who knows ... given that your in a relationship with him I trust that he is not a bad person and will hopefully mature as time goes on.

It's early days. I wish you all the luck with your pregnancy and hopefully he will get his act together and offer you the support that is needed right now. X

I know many recreational users who have stopped when the baby arrived and not looked back. Your whole life will change, you'll make new friends, you'll be exhausted at the beginning. Life isn't the same after kids.

You need to sit your partner down and tell him you're feeling really angry that he is carrying on. That you get he wants to wait for the twelve week scan but that you don't see it that way and a month and a half of stress and anger is bad for you and bad for the baby. Tell him what tou would be happy with him doing and what you want to happen when the baby is here, listen his his point of view and take it from there. When kids come along there are many conversations about expectations that need to be had. Have this one now and you will feel much better.

"Has anyone else had to deal with anything similar?"

This is quite an extreme problem for there to be tons of people on here who have lived this OP. Its serious Class A drug use. He wants you, his pregnant wife, to tag along to places where there'll be a group of drunk people on cocaine. He wants to be drunk himself and do cocaine when with his pregnant wife. So of something happens to you at one of these drug fests he'll be no use to you. Dont believe him when he says "Oh I'll do something after the 12 week scan" becuase that will go to "I'll do something when its born/I'll only do it when they're in bed/I'll go out and roll in at 6 AM high on crack and you can take care of baby/you knew I was like this before we had the baby becuase you were too.".... and on the last one he'll be right. You cant love that lifestyle with someone and then just get pregnant and think that they'll become a new person. You know who he is, you know who you were/are, bit you're having a baby now and you need to keep that baby safe and being around a crack user who drinks heavily and could well be an addict isn't going to work so he either needs to stop, now, you need to make plans to for you baby to be born into a safe home without its dad rolling in the small hours off his nut and with sachets of drugs in his pockets.