6 weeks pregnant - husband doing my head in!

[JuliaJames1000]

Hi all! I’m new to the mumsnet community and I need some advice / opinions. I found out just over 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant (first time) - I’m absolutely thrilled and terrified at the same time!

So my husband and I used to enjoy going out for drinks and the occasional use of cocaine with friends. I have obviously abstained from any of that since finding out I’m pregnant, but I am finding it very difficult to see my husband carry on our normal life. I know it’s not reasonable of me to ask him to stop, but I would have hoped that he would cut back. He did cocaine last Friday and Saturday and is doing it again this weekend (and will no doubt do it again next weekend as we’re seeing friends we always tend to do it with). He thinks I should be able to go and join him and everyone in the pub whilst they all get annihilated and not find it difficult to be in that atmosphere, and at the same time have to come up with excuses for why I’m not drinking. I said could we please have weekends where they don’t revolve around booze and he said fine but that he was still going to drink. I think I’m just upset because I feel like this is all on my shoulders - I’m the one who is always trying to talk about the pregnancy. He hardly ever talks about it because he wants to wait until our first scan to make sure everything is okay because he knows people who have had miscarriages before 12 weeks. Has anyone else had to deal with anything similar? I know I’m not being very easy to deal with at the moment, I’m snapping at him a lot and just feeling so angry with him all the time. Any advice on how to deal with this? I don’t want to stop him from drinking or going out, but I just want to feel supported as well! And I also do want to say that I love him to bits, he is very supportive and loving in other ways and I know this all very new and scary for him as well. Thanks in advance for any advice!

I'd say it's reasonable for you to want lifestyle changes for both of you; partying every weekend isn't feasible in pregnancy or with a small child. Even though it might not feel real to him yet, pregnancy is a time when he needs to be ready and able to step up at short notice. If you were to need to go to hospital urgently or if you struggle with morning sickness, how is he going to be able to help you if he's under the influence or recovering from the night before?

And it is hard to be in an environment where people are doing something you enjoy but can't do. Some moral and practical support from him could make a real difference there and also help deflect questions away from you. If both of you say you aren't drinking alcohol or taking coke, it can be seen as a couple making a lifestyle change, whereas if it's a woman suddenly saying that, a lot of people will assume pregnancy.

Maybe you and he could come to a compromise for the coming weeks, with the understanding that there will need to be long-term changes (it's not safe for a baby to be exposed to alcohol or drugs, or to be cared for by someone who is under the influence of them). Does he have other interests? If so, encourage him to spend time on those. You could also ask him to at least reduce his alcohol and drug use in the coming weeks - lots of people alternate alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks, so he could try that, and if his cocaine use is occasional then he could try making it even more occasional (eg "I can't this weekend, it's a busy one with family/I've a work presentation to prepare/etc").

I think it's important that you tell your midwife about your history and his history of alcohol and drug use, as they may be able to provide you with additional supports. A lot of people think of support for alcohol or drug use as only being available for "addicts" or only for people who are willing to completely abstain, but there are a growing number of supports available which focus on harm reduction in the first instance. Something like that could be helpful for both of you in considering how to make the lifestyle changes you'll need to make for your baby. If either of you can't or won't make those changes, you might need to consider whether there could be an addictive component to what feels occasional to you.

Perhaps you can book a private scan at 8 week so you can both have a look at the baby. If you see a heartbeat then there is a 98% that the pregnancy will continue. There is not much change between 8 and 12 weeks in terms of chances of miscarriage (percentage wise- you can always be unlucky) and it means you have to deal with his denial 4 weeks less. It might make it more real for him and prompt him to be more involved.

@prawnmarierose

Basically he's a drug addict. Were you taking cocaine when you were TTC? That's just grim.

He won't change once the baby is here. You are only going to get more annoyed with him as your pregnancy goes on. He will still be snorting coke and getting smashed on alcohol on the weekends when you have an infant.

This

I wouldn't recommend telling the midwife you were a drug user. You don't want social services involved before your baby is even born! You aren't using and you are presumably upset enough at your partner's attitude to leave him if he doesn't stop. If that's the case then you are imo better off dealing with it and not getting SS involved at this stage

Not had to deal with such things and would have kicked dh to the curb if he was doing drugs and making no effort to stop before baby. If your baby was planned then you have not been very responsible yourself but you have quit so well done for that.

He needs to sort his shizzle out.

Why isn't it reasonable to ask him to stop? I asked my husband to stop drinking because I can't drink. All studies show that it is much easier for women to do the things they need to in pregnancy (i.e. no smoking, drinking or drugs) when their partner stops with them. I'd tell him he needs to stop, if I were you.

Also, my experience with coke is that people often think they're not addicted because they only do it socially at weekends, but when it comes to actually stopping, they can't do it. It's a weird drug that way - addictive by stealth.

Also, ignore all the judgemental people on here. Obviously, it would have been better to stop while TTC, but I know plenty of people who were pregnant for weeks and taking drugs before they realised. It's not ideal, but people who say "grim" in such a judgemental way are just usually people who have never touched drugs in their lives.

Oh you're gonna have fun with a tiny newborn to look after and a husband taking drugs....I wouldn't be going through with this or staying with him if I was you. You're going to have a miserable time. I'm really sorry I'm being blunt but it's the truth. I'm very sorry you're going through this

I think that it‘s possible it doesn‘t feel real to him yet, and there is quite a while to go in pregnancy yet ans as you get closer and do all the associated stuff (NCT classes etc) you‘ll hopefully start to notice reality kicking in for him. You‘ll then be able to tell whether he‘s going to change with/for the baby or not. Before birth lots of mums even don‘t fully appreciate how having a baby will change their priorities. It‘s not within a mumsnetter‘s scope to say how it will change for your partner. You will however see the direction things are taking. I think it‘s not nice for him to still be partying knowing you can‘t but I know of husbands not realising their wives can‘t treck around the Yorkshire dales at 38 weeks. My own very lovely husband never thought to check if I should be carrying x, y or z. Young men sometimes just don‘t really think…. But with time learn to be more understanding. See how you go, I think. If he‘s a decent person otherwise things should be ok, if he‘s seriously addicted to this lifestyle maybe not so much.

Some very very naive people on here!

OP it's perfectly possible when it sinks in he will stop. Obviously if he doesn't then you should really leave him. Ask firmly, your partying days are over and if he can't stop then it's an issue.

The fact they both previously partied every weekend wouldn't be an issue at all if he stopped with you, this happens way more than Mumsnet realise.

So were you taking drugs before pregnancy confirmed? Are you going to take them up again when the baby arrives?