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Original poster

death when pregnant - please help me

38 replies

Sleeplessem · 19/07/2021 21:06

I’ve posted quite a bit about this, so you might have seen my posts.

I’m 22 weeks and my dad has been in icu for a week. He fought so bravely but doctors think his time is coming.

I can barely cope, feels like I can’t breathe. DH is with dc 3 hrs away, she’s too young to be here. My mother is very emotionally abusive (used to be physically) she’s already put some of the blame of my dad onto me. I ran myself Into the ground last week. I know moving forward a lot, is going to fall on my shoulders. Brother is very cold and assaulted me earlier last week. No other family.

I’m high risk with a history of small babies/ iugr so I’m terrified the grief and stress will have adverse outcomes.

Anyone been through similar? How did you survive?

OP posts:
Shortmamashortcycles · 19/07/2021 21:29

Oh love, it sounds like you have an awful lot happening to you. I am so sorry about your Dad.

Are you able to look into counselling? The NHS takes ages but if you have the funds for a private consultant, I would strongly recommend getting professional help.

I would also check out Griefcast, it's a fabulous podcast and there are a few episodes about grieving while pregnant.

Wombat64 · 19/07/2021 21:31

You don't need to take anything on, going forward.

Look after yourself in the meantime.

If you're assaulted, call the police in. Let them deal with it.

Wombat64 · 19/07/2021 21:32

The very soonest you can go home do. Or get your DH to come.

cannotfindaspareusername · 19/07/2021 21:45

oh you poor thing. If your brother assaults you again, please call the Police, no one on this planet deserves to be treated like that, let alone someone who is pregnant.

My mother died - after a very long illness - when I was 26 weeks pregnant and I was on the other side of Europe. Although I was devastated I kept telling myself that my mother would want me to focus on my baby's health. I was brutally focused on keeping my baby safe and didn't even think about going to the funeral because of the stress it would cause. I think some people felt I was cold and unfeeling, and maybe it was the hormones, but I had a fierce logic which was my baby was alive and needed to be kept safe and there was nothing more I could do for my mother. The doctors were concerned because I was high risk, but my baby was born healthy.

If you feel that the stress of being there is too much, and you are not safe because of your brother, then go home to your DH and DC. Say your goodbyes to your father in your way, either visit him in the hospital if you can and want, or somewhere else.

My godmother told me something that really comforted me, she was a midwife and said that often she heard that a close relative had died when someone was pregnant. She said she sometimes thought that there was a connection. I am not a religious or spiritual person but I liked the thought that my mother's and my (then) unborn child's souls had passed each other by somehow.

Justforphoto · 19/07/2021 21:52

Go home, be with your husband and child. Let your dh support you. Without you there others will have to deal with it.

WaterBottle123 · 19/07/2021 22:04

My DH died when I was 36 weeks pregnant. DD2 is absolutely healthy and fine. Take care of yourself Op, your baby will be fine x

QueeniesCroft · 19/07/2021 22:04

Did you post about this before? It seems very familiar.

Is your dad aware of you being there? If not, then it's probably time to say your last goodbye and leave. There is nothing you can do to make your family less abusive, honestly there really isn't. All you can do is put physical distance between yourself and them, so that they at least can't injure or assault you.

Sometimes it's really fine to lean on someone else and not just cope on your own, and this is one of those times. Let your husband care for you and support you. Take comfort in the child you have, and prepare for the one to come. You can't fix your family, nor can you make your mother care about you in the way you know she should.

joystir59 · 19/07/2021 22:06

Please do as others have said and focus on yourself and your baby, and go home to your DH asap.

Totallydefeated · 19/07/2021 22:08

Flowers but really I want to send you a hug, OP.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

It sounds like neither your mum nor your brother deserve you to be putting yourself out for them. I would go home to DH. Be there with him, so you're supported. Look after yourself and your baby. I would imagine that would be what your Dad would want for you and your baby. Can you do it for him?

atleastitswarm · 19/07/2021 22:11

Go home to your family - think about what your Dad would want and I can guarantee it’d be this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP Flowers

ParkheadParadise · 19/07/2021 22:12

My dd1 was killed when I was 7 months pregnant with dd2.( I'll be honest I didn't want to carry on if I hadn't been pregnant I probably wouldn't be here today)
Dd2 was born healthy.
I would go home now.
Your baby will be ok.

PepperPepperMan · 19/07/2021 22:19

As others have said, go home, be with your husband and your family unit .

No harm in drawing a line in the sand to be able to move forward

Muchmorethan · 19/07/2021 22:23

I remember your last thread and I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you were given all the advice and suggestions then.

You need to either take in board and act on the advice or stay where you are.

Marshy86 · 19/07/2021 22:26

Say your good byes to your dad, go home to your husband and protect yourself and your baby.

Ooopsi · 19/07/2021 22:28

Hi OP my dad died 2 days after I gave birth.

I didn’t get to enjoy the newborn stage or experience the bubble everyone talks about. My advice would be try to process, don’t rush and remember that giving birth has its own wave of emotions anyway regardless of other factors. Be kind to yourself it’ll be a bumpy ride but you’ll get there, grief is a funny old thing x

Hotpinkangel19 · 19/07/2021 22:40

Both my parents died in 2017 when I was pregnant. It was awful. There was only us three, and I lost them both within 11 weeks. The fact that I was pregnant kept me going. I'm sorry about your Dad, look after yourself. X

ClemDanFango · 19/07/2021 22:42

Go home OP, your mum and brother are awful toxic people. You need to go home and be with your DH and children

Wolfiefan · 19/07/2021 22:44

Let nothing fall on your shoulders.
Spend time with your dad.
Then run far away from the rest of them.
Build your life free from abuse.

Mummy2O · 19/07/2021 22:48

Sending you lots of love.

Please consider trying counselling to help you to process your feelings. It can really help.

Lave · 19/07/2021 22:50

As above, go home OP.

Your children need you to be safe. You shouldn't stay anywhere that you're at risk of being assaulted.

I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

HerMammy · 19/07/2021 22:50

I remember your other thread, the consensus was for you to go home.
Why you are putting yourself through this is mystifying, your DM is abusive, your DF was absent from much of your life and your DB is cruel to you. These ppl do not deserve your time or energy.
Go home to your own family as take care of
yourself.

SignOnTheWindow · 19/07/2021 22:52

My DP died suddenly when I was 32 weeks pregnant. Dd2 is now a happy, healthy 11 yr old.
Eating and drinking became very difficult because of the stress, though, so make sure you look after yourself. If that means taking yourself out of the situation and going home to DH, then do that.
So very sorry about your dad and the stress of your family. 💐

littlepieces · 19/07/2021 22:57

So sorry for what you're going through. Please please please put yourself first.

You owe your family nothing. It's easier said on here than done, but whatever happens to your dad in ICU is totally out of your control unfortunately and it's certainly not your fault. Take each day as it comes.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 19/07/2021 23:04

@Muchmorethan

I remember your last thread and I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you were given all the advice and suggestions then.

You need to either take in board and act on the advice or stay where you are.

Yeah thanks, I went home actually. My dad looked like he was recovering. Doctors amazed and even talking about discharge and then it came crashing down.

My post was how do you deal with the grief and not let it consume you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 19/07/2021 23:07

@HerMammy

I remember your other thread, the consensus was for you to go home. Why you are putting yourself through this is mystifying, your DM is abusive, your DF was absent from much of your life and your DB is cruel to you. These ppl do not deserve your time or energy. Go home to your own family as take care of yourself.
I’m sure this isn’t the intention but this is coming across a bit mean (I’m quite sensitive rn so that could be why).

I went home, he got a lot better, massive crash today and advised by hosp to come down. Question isn’t so much should I stay or should i go but how did people who went through the same situation process it and not let is consume them

OP posts:
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