death when pregnant - please help me

[Sleeplessem]

I’ve posted quite a bit about this, so you might have seen my posts.

I’m 22 weeks and my dad has been in icu for a week. He fought so bravely but doctors think his time is coming.

I can barely cope, feels like I can’t breathe. DH is with dc 3 hrs away, she’s too young to be here. My mother is very emotionally abusive (used to be physically) she’s already put some of the blame of my dad onto me. I ran myself Into the ground last week. I know moving forward a lot, is going to fall on my shoulders. Brother is very cold and assaulted me earlier last week. No other family.

I’m high risk with a history of small babies/ iugr so I’m terrified the grief and stress will have adverse outcomes.

Anyone been through similar? How did you survive?

You say your goodbyes.
You walk away.
You focus on DC, DH and your pregnancy.
Enjoy that.

Whatever happens over the next few days:

1. Put your physical and mental health needs first. So if you need to lie down, remove yourself from your situation, then do so.

1. Put your DH on standby to either come and stay with you or collect you as necessary.

1. Remember that grief is an individual thing. She lash out, some cry, some do not much. Concentrate on your own reaction and watch out for other's looking for someone to lash out at. Refuse to be the emotional punchbag.

1. Also consider going home to grieve and recuperate, and return for the funeral. You can assist remotely where necessary.

@CommanderBurnham

Whatever happens over the next few days:

1. Put your physical and mental health needs first. So if you need to lie down, remove yourself from your situation, then do so.

1. Put your DH on standby to either come and stay with you or collect you as necessary.

1. Remember that grief is an individual thing. She lash out, some cry, some do not much. Concentrate on your own reaction and watch out for other's looking for someone to lash out at. Refuse to be the emotional punchbag.

1. Also consider going home to grieve and recuperate, and return for the funeral. You can assist remotely where necessary.

Amazing advice

That’s great advice thank you!

Unfortunately dh can’t be on standby. We don’t have anyone else to watch dc. The drive each way is 3 hrs and its too much for a toddler

Sorry to hear about your Dad. Agree with other posters, you need to take one day at a time. Grief is different for everyone and may hit you in ways you don't expect. I lost my partner when I was pregnant and what I would consider my normal coping strategies (drinking, smoking) couldn't be used so I had to find other ways to cope. It's ok to be upset and you need to give yourself permission to cry. You don't need to put a brave face on. I don't think there is a quick fix for this, so if you are able to surround yourself with people you trust and people who will look after you. There are bereavement support groups if you find it helpful to talk. In the NHS therapy service I work in, bereavement counselling may not always be recommended until 6 months after a loss, as you need to allow the grieving process to happen. We do alway priorities perinatal clients for therapy so if you did need support it should hopefully be available in your area.

My dad got really sick when I was pregnant and died when baby was a month old, it was incredibly hard but you just sort of keep going for the baby. Please be kind to yourself and seek help when needed, I'm so sorry this is happening to you

My mother is insistent that they’ve done this on purpose to him, that they decided early on he wasn’t going to make it and now have just given up. She thinks he could pull through with time, doctors are insistent otherwise. She’s been saying it’s practically euthanasia.

I understand it’s fear, grief and worry and ultimately having someone to blame makes things easier sometimes. I asked her to talk this over with the consultants, nurses and chaplain but it’s not had an impact. I find this sort of talk incredibly distressing. She was saying it all last night and I had the most horrible nightmares and woke every 30 mins.

Is there anyone with experience in this area that can help me understand that what my mums saying isn’t true. I sort of understand but it clearly affects me. As well as speaking to his docs, maybe objectivity would help me?

How are you OP?

@atleastitswarm

How are you OP?

Thank you for asking @atleastitswarm, my dad passed earlier this week. The grief is insurmountable right now, sometimes I don’t want to wake up in the morning…so I can’t think about him or what happened

Sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My dad died when I was 8 weeks pregnant.

The situation was quite different to yours, I think, in that I knew when in started TTC that he would be dead before any baby was born. I think this helped me deal with it better. Also I did most of my grieving when he was first diagnosed and when he had surgery (brain tumour) that left him very disabled and a shadow of the man I'd always known.

My mother is and always had been emotionally abusive. This ramped up when my dad was terminally ill. I had decided prior to him dying that I would go no contact once my dad was gone. The pregnancy and the guilt that comes with being a prospective/ new mum combined with my mother, who knew what was coming, saying with in moments of my dad that she 'didn't want to loose me too' made me stick around so my DD could have a grandmother and out of pity and obligation for my mother. Apart from some brief improvement in behaviour, and me just letting things go even though they were entirely unacceptable, she carried on with the emotional abuse and total disrespect she has subjected me to my entire life. When my DD was 17 months old after an absolutely horrendous trip to visit my DB/SIL that my mother totally hijacked to her own gain, I finally did it, and went no contact. 2 years later and my only regret is not doing it sooner.

My advice to you is cry for you dad as much as you need to, cry for the mother you always wanted and deserved but never had, and then become that amazing women for your own children.

A word of warning, if you are anything like me, you will find yourself gazing at your child wondering how any mother could treat them the way your mother treated you. This will make you very sad and hit you hard.

If you decide to go down the no contact route, the idea of going no contact is far harder than actually doing it.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

X

I am so sorry OP. I hope you are back with your husband now and that he is caring for you. Some great advice from @Cyw2018 who has been in a similar position.

My mum died when l was 28 weeks. I was in a mess.

Dd 15 is fine.

Really sorry OP. Grief can be very hard-hitting. It can make you feel incredible raw and vulnerable. It takes time. You need to keep eating and drinking. Can you share with us, or with your DH or friends, some happy memories of your dad? Some funny memories?
Can you do something nice with your DC today to take your mind off things for a bit.

(You made a point about your mum not believing the doctors. My sibling did that when my mum was dying in hospital, and even insisted on autopsy when there was no need for one. It did make the whole time extra stressful, but I just left him to it basically. It's how he deals with things - please ignore as much as possible your mum and brother's abusive dynamic now).