Is it taboo to offer outgrown baby items to new expectant parents?

[Punkyfish3000]

My mum and I keep arguing about this and it's driving me nuts. My (step)son came into the world in difficult circumstances (thrusted on my fiancé and me at short notice by his birth mum following being in and out of foster care) and my mum's friend went out on a limb to pass on her sons' outgrown clothes, toys and equipment within a day, which was gratefully received. Similarly my sister-in-law gave us a lot of outgrown clothes which we were very thankful for.
I've since offered expectant friends (or their mums) outgrown stuff - paying forward if you like - and my mum says I'm putting people's backs up by offering stuff. In reality lots of people are/have been struggling for money due to Covid-19 (furlough etc) and you would think people would appreciate the gesture. The saying 'Charity begins at home' springs to mind. But however if it's my fiancé or my mum offering it's somewhat acceptable! (Lots of outgrown stuff has subsequently been passed on to my fiancé's now ex friend and my mum's friend's expectant daughter without an eyelid batted 🙄)

Similarly when my now ex bestie gave birth to her eldest I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony the next year my mum said sourcing these clothes wasn't my job to do... the thing was I was the next best thing to a sister for her at the time and the way I saw it I didn't think it was much different to blood (or otherwise) family going out on a limb to source outgrown baby things (her mum gave my mum a huge box of outgrown baby stuff when my sister was expecting).

If it helps the situation I'm autistic and see everything as black and white. Is my mum right or not?

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with offering your own children’s outgrown items to someone else, it’s incredibly common to do so, but you were being very pushy asking and then reminding someone to hand over their baby things to a friend of yours. That’s a very odd thing to do, and may well have made mutual friend feel uncomfortable. If they’d wanted to offer their clothes/items, they would have themselves.
As an aside, you seem to mention ‘now ex’ friends a few times, is that linked to your post here or was that unrelated circumstances?

I'm all for second hand. Lovely gesture.

Babies outgrow things so quickly. It's great to have second hand things for them (not just for the cost saving, but also environmental impact.) I'm pregnant with my second, who will mostly be wearing hand-me-downs that have been through 3 baby cousins too. If it's decent condition and not stained, it's a lovely offer!

All you can do is offer, I have just given one of my best friends loads of baby stuff that my baby had just out grown. She was more than happy to take the bits. I offered her a next 2 me crib she didn't need it so it went to my dads for use of future grandchildren use.

Similarly when my now ex bestie gave birth to her eldest I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony the next year my mum said sourcing these clothes wasn't my job to do...

This is not ok at all. Offering your own DC’s clothes forward - by all means. Once. And leaving the intended recipients to accept/decline.

@Ughmaybenot

I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with offering your own children’s outgrown items to someone else, it’s incredibly common to do so, but you were being very pushy asking and then reminding someone to hand over their baby things to a friend of yours. That’s a very odd thing to do, and may well have made mutual friend feel uncomfortable. If they’d wanted to offer their clothes/items, they would have themselves. As an aside, you seem to mention ‘now ex’ friends a few times, is that linked to your post here or was that unrelated circumstances?

The ex friends thing even if repeated was not related to the outgrown baby things malarkey

It’s lovely of you to offer your old baby clothes to someone else. You can’t offer someone else’s, though, and if anyone procrastinates or doesn’t seem keen, leave them to it.

I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony

This bit was a bit unreasonable, it doesn’t sound like your college friend wanted to hand over the clothes, but felt put on the spot; and agreed to make it stop… perhaps they had someone else they wanted to give the things to, or they didn’t want to give them away yet, or they weren’t decided on if they might need them again.

Similarly when my now ex bestie gave birth to her eldest I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony the next year my mum said sourcing these clothes wasn't my job to do
That is not cool at all.

Fair enough, I was just wondering if something else had happened which added weight to this particular scenario, but as is, just ignore that part of my post altogether.

Yes I agree with your Mum. You can offer and even ask (once!) but you shouldn’t pester. Often people don’t want to pass on treasured baby clothes as they want to keep it / sell it / use it for other kids but when you ask they might feel forced to give them up. That can definitely create tensions.

@notacooldad

Similarly when my now ex bestie gave birth to her eldest I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony the next year my mum said sourcing these clothes wasn't my job to do That is not cool at all.

Agreed.

That's an incredibly odd and rude thing to do.

I have revived and given baby/children’s clothes, toys and equipment from pretty much the moment announced my first pregnancy, to now…. my eldest child is nearly 13. It’s cost effective, sustainable …,

Look if it helps the situation the college friend and the friend who had given birth at the time in the second paragraph also have special needs themselves so I'd appreciate a bit of slack being cut here

Definitely kind to offer your own children's items to others.

A bit rude to to ask others to pass on their own things to you or anyone else.

I said I thought it rude to ask for items. I'd stand by that, but I see you're getting a hard time and I wish I'd added this:

One instance of rudeness doesn't make you a rude person.

It was clearly a moment of social ineptness rather than of being a horrible person. And most people are socially inept on occasions, especially those of us who are not neurotypical.

If you'd said it to me and I were your friend, I might have inwardly raised an eyebrow, but I wouldn't love you any less. There's a good chance that's true of your friend.

But now you know the "normal" behaviour around this, and maybe that'll help in future. Less embarrassing to be corrected online than in real life, at least!

Hope you're OK.

@FriedasCarLoad

I said I thought it rude to ask for items. I'd stand by that, but I see you're getting a hard time and I wish I'd added this:

One instance of rudeness doesn't make you a rude person.

It was clearly a moment of social ineptness rather than of being a horrible person. And most people are socially inept on occasions, especially those of us who are not neurotypical.

If you'd said it to me and I were your friend, I might have inwardly raised an eyebrow, but I wouldn't love you any less. There's a good chance that's true of your friend.

But now you know the "normal" behaviour around this, and maybe that'll help in future. Less embarrassing to be corrected online than in real life, at least!

Hope you're OK.

Thanks. The way I saw it was I didn't think it much different to family members (blood or otherwise) acquiring the items and I was like a sister to the given-birth friend at the time. My mum also frequently talks to me like I'm supposed to know these things which isn't helpful at all

I hope you’re not feeling too upset by the responses. Tone is often hard when online, and people can seem terribly blunt at times.
Regarding the second situation you mention, it’s the asking part that made it seem rude, it put other (mutual) friend in an uncomfortable situation but as pp says, we all misjudge things sometimes. Now you’ll know for future reference, it’s kind to offer what is yours but there it should end and you shouldn’t really ask for other peoples items, for yourself or otherwise.

My (step)son came into the world in difficult circumstances (thrusted on my fiancé and me at short notice by his birth mum following being in and out of foster care)

Why did your fiance let his child be in foster care? He is equally responsible for his welfare as his mum.

How old was he when he came to live with you?

Asking someone for clothes for a friend they don't know is pretty cheeky but passing on clothes is a nice gesture that is often appreciated. They can always say no if they don't want them.

Look if it helps the situation the college friend and the friend who had given birth at the time in the second paragraph also have special needs themselves so I'd appreciate a bit of slack being cut here

I dont think you are getting a hard time.
People, including me, are responding to information given.
Mthering a friend for baby clothes to give to someone else is not on at all whether you are autistic or not.
Asking if there is a chance they were getting rid if clothes as you know someone that may need them is ok. Reminding them after a year after he had procrastinated in the first instance is not acceptable.

You can offer your child’s things to other parents. Some may be excited and some may decline. You shouldn’t insist.
If you want some items back you should tell in advance. If you don’t care what will happen with your items later you should mention it, e.g. a friend gave us a bag with his daughter’s stuff and said: Please take what you need and pass the rest to someone else, we don’t need any of these.

You can ask close family and friends for help if you need a particular item, please mention if you need to borrow it for a particular event or to buy.

You shouldn’t ask someone for clothes or other items for yourself or for others, especially in front of other people.
Hope it helps.

To be honest I'd stop interfering

Let people sort their own things out and don't take it upon yourself to be doing anything with other peoples things

If someone wants to offer something in good faith then fine but it's not fine to make an issue of it

@Gingerkittykat

My (step)son came into the world in difficult circumstances (thrusted on my fiancé and me at short notice by his birth mum following being in and out of foster care)

Why did your fiance let his child be in foster care? He is equally responsible for his welfare as his mum.

How old was he when he came to live with you?

Asking someone for clothes for a friend they don't know is pretty cheeky but passing on clothes is a nice gesture that is often appreciated. They can always say no if they don't want them.

I'm not at liberty to divulge ins and outs other than they'd separated prior to birth

You lost me at birth mum. And thrusted

YABU. Your mum is right it's not your place

I’m all for second hand. I appreciate the offers made to us. However, what I don’t appreciate is when someone will offer me something that in hindsight we need, but their particular version/style ect isn’t quite to my liking, so I’d rather either buy new or find one we like… to then get the ‘why would you buy a new one when you can just have mine?’ ‘Are you sure you don’t want ours? It’s perfectly fine’

Yes it might be perfectly fine, but I just fancy choosing something myself sometimes. I don’t want to feel guilty, or obliged to take something from someone.

I’d rather a quick “hey I’ve got this XYZ if you want it” then a “let me know if you change your mind” when declined.

Why did your partner let their baby go into foster care?

@jelly79

You lost me at birth mum. And thrusted

YABU. Your mum is right it's not your place

From the sounds of it, birth mum is being used quite accurately here. I am normally one to call out an OP for using birth mum when referring to a very much involved and loving mother but that’s not the case here.