Is it taboo to offer outgrown baby items to new expectant parents?

[Punkyfish3000]

My mum and I keep arguing about this and it's driving me nuts. My (step)son came into the world in difficult circumstances (thrusted on my fiancé and me at short notice by his birth mum following being in and out of foster care) and my mum's friend went out on a limb to pass on her sons' outgrown clothes, toys and equipment within a day, which was gratefully received. Similarly my sister-in-law gave us a lot of outgrown clothes which we were very thankful for.
I've since offered expectant friends (or their mums) outgrown stuff - paying forward if you like - and my mum says I'm putting people's backs up by offering stuff. In reality lots of people are/have been struggling for money due to Covid-19 (furlough etc) and you would think people would appreciate the gesture. The saying 'Charity begins at home' springs to mind. But however if it's my fiancé or my mum offering it's somewhat acceptable! (Lots of outgrown stuff has subsequently been passed on to my fiancé's now ex friend and my mum's friend's expectant daughter without an eyelid batted 🙄)

Similarly when my now ex bestie gave birth to her eldest I asked my college friend (a mutual friend) if she could have his baby sister's outgrown bits but he procrastinated handing them over and when I 'reminded' him about it at the college awards ceremony the next year my mum said sourcing these clothes wasn't my job to do... the thing was I was the next best thing to a sister for her at the time and the way I saw it I didn't think it was much different to blood (or otherwise) family going out on a limb to source outgrown baby things (her mum gave my mum a huge box of outgrown baby stuff when my sister was expecting).

If it helps the situation I'm autistic and see everything as black and white. Is my mum right or not?

@Punkyfish3000

Offering outgrown clothes to others is a lovely thing to do. Many people will gratefully receive them and then pass on the gesture in the future to other parents. As has been said, asking for someone to pass on their clothes was a bit pushy and rude but you know that now.

The whole second hand baby clothes/toys/equipment is all a very difficult area. Do you give it back after? Do you throw it away? Do you consider it yours permanently or treat it with extra care in case it’s asked for back?

I know I am incredibly snobby about things like this (my issue and I’m BU for it) but I don’t like second hand things from other people for my babies. DD2 is reusing DD1’s stuff but almost all of that was bought or gifted new. Anything I’m gifted that I’m not that keen on or I bought for DD1 and have changed my mind on now has been offered to a friend with a baby a couple of months younger than mine. I have no desire to have them back. She says yes every time and her DD is in a lot of second hand clothes because she’s been offered them. I did get annoyed when I offered her a baby swimming costume that I bought for DD2 for her to borrow as she didn’t have one. I specifically said I wanted it back (just a swimming costume I know but I really liked that one and wanted it back in case of DC3) when her DD outgrew it and her response was to tell me no because she might have more children. Made me realise that I will definitely not be offering anything else that I know I want back.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing understand your point. However it's being used by the partner of the other parent. Takes 2 to allow the child to go in to care. So ultimately not knowing the full story I find the term judgey and unnecessary. Mother would still of indicated who she meant :))

[quote jelly79]@BeingATwatItsABingThing understand your point. However it's being used by the partner of the other parent. Takes 2 to allow the child to go in to care. So ultimately not knowing the full story I find the term judgey and unnecessary. Mother would still of indicated who she meant :)) [/quote]
Very true. We don’t know the whole story but from the outside looking in, it does appear that way.

I think it’s a lovely idea. I know when I was a first time mum I was desperate for everything new but we did get a steriliser and some other bits from someone at my husbands work. Now I’m on #3 I am always happy to give and receive anything. If it isn’t to your taste say thank you and pass it along, it’s not difficult

OP, just to clear up what I think might be a misunderstanding - it's not your relationship to your best friend (that you offered the clothes to) that's the issue here - it's your relationship to the parents of the baby you wanted clothes from.

Firstly you asked the brother of the baby - they weren't his clothes to give.

Secondly - did you know the parents of the baby? It's really not something you ask of people you're not very close to, you wait for them to offer, if they want to.

Thirdly - you reminded them, when they seemingly weren't keen on the idea. That's quite rude and makes things very awkward.

Fourthly - baby clothes are an emotive thing. I can't bring myself to part with any of DDs yet, and she's 4. Some people are OK to get rid of them as soon as baby has outgrown them. Lots of people aren't OK with parting with them, or might be saving them for subsequent children. Whether or not you're planning on having more kids isn't really something people share with their son's college friends.

So, giving your own things to someone, or mentioning to someone you're very, very close to that someone else you're very close to might be interested IF they were looking to donate or sell some bits is fine.

Asking someone you're not very very close to - not OK. And definitely not OK to ask more than once.

OP I do think maybe the difficulty is that it’s not a black and white situation. It’s never taboo but I must admit I’m increasingly embarrassed at having to repeatedly turn down offers of clothes and items from everyone.
This is a long awaited baby for both of us and we can afford to buy things - it’s a joy for us. It’s a first time for grandparents and they will likely be generous. We also have a small house and can’t house everyone’s clutter.

If you feel an expectant mum might need the help, then is a great time to offer! If the expectant mum is hesitant in her answer, you know you don’t have to offer again. If she seems grateful and excited, you can take it a step further and send her pictures of what you have so she can choose.

Sorry ignore my post - I misread the situation.