I need advice. I'm due in 6 or 7 weeks and I regret being pregnant so badly and I don't know what to do.
I feel trapped in a tunnel at one end is my house the other end is work.
But here's my story to where I got where I am now.
I met my husband just over 4 years ago and I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him.
But a year on we ended up addicted to cocaine.
I fell pregnant and I couldn't get off cocaine so for the welfare and the babies health I aborted the baby. This was traumatic. Beyond anything and I spiraled more into drug abuse.
But in the mix my partner started being abusive and paranoid. He would throw me around. Smash my phones. I'd be having imaginary affairs.
It came to a head when he attacked me and it was caught on CCTV and someone called the police. He was placed on bail for 6 months but during this 6 months he came to my house pretty much every night. He was like an addiction in himself. Throw in drug addiction in that mix too.
The abuse turned more to mental abuse he isolated me from friends and family. But the mental abuse ended with me attempting suicide on two occasions. One he videod me fitting and sent to a friend and the other the police found me hanging in a hotel.
He convinced me the only way we would be happy and things would go back to normal is if I dropped the charges. I also begged friends to not speak to the police and some to withdraw their statements.
Even after withdrawing my statement CPS took him on. I revoked the right to my medical records and refused to stand in court. So it was dropped.
Shortly after that he moved back in. His temper tantrums paranoia etc came back with vengeance and a few months after the charges are dropped I have black eyes. Broken ribs and running from him I broke my foot. When he caught up with me he threw me on the sofa arm and damaged my back.
I still loved him so much. I put him tantrums down to being insecure and thought getting married would make him more secure than I wasn't going anywhere or cheat.
The drugs didn't stop the verbal abuse was terrible.
It came to an end when he tried to kill me. He strangled me to get my phone. He was convinced I was having an affair with someone in work.
I fled to a friend's
Since then drugs is something that went back to recreational it's hard because 99% of people I know do it.
We hooked up on my birthday stupidly Nd I fell pregnant.
I didn't want a boy because of the abortion and the trauma that caused me and had decided to do the finger prick DNA test it came back a girl I'm over the moon and I seriously take my health and future seriously. I had a gender scan and again a girl
So so happy
Now I did have antinatel depression with my first pregnancy
My ex said he needed to get better and be on his own but we would work on our relationship
Then at my 20 week scan they decided to inform me it's a boy. I am devastated and still am
I called him and he was with another woman. He was vile and mean. That was 3 months ago I haven't hered off him since.
But for 3 months I have been devastated that I'm having a boy. I haven't enjoyed the pregnancy and lately reverted back to drug use.
I'm worried sick about money raising a baby that tbh I don't think I want. I have no support system in plsce no one to babysit so thats a baby 365 days a year
I want to live my life. It's taken ruining it for me to realise what I need in life. And i will loose everything if I don't concentrate on myself for a bit.
IV stopped eating healthy food I live on toast. IV stopped caring what I look like. I need meds to sleep that just make me exhausted the following day
I have a dead end job that I can't afford to leave. I can afford to take at the most 2 months meternity
I'm worried about the drug use and the effects it's had
So I contacted child services.
I don't know if all of this will go away when iv had the baby and the instant love will be there. Or do I put the baby up for adoption or do I try for a few months to be a mother to the boy