I think I regret getting pregnant

[MrsJ2021]

Just want to start off by saying please don’t attack me, I know this’ll be controversial but I need to vent. I know I am very fortunate to be able to be pregnant so please do not make me feel more guilty by reminding me of that - I know.

I’m in my 2nd trimester and I’m not enjoying pregnancy like I imagined I would. I don’t feel connected to my baby. I have a gender preference. I’ve struggled with physical symptoms every single day and my mental health is getting worse.

All I keep seeing is how awful it is to be a mother and how your life is basically over. This doesn’t help how I’m feeling as I’m quite young (early 20s) and I keep wondering would it have been better if I got pregnant years away and not now

I feel scared and not ready. I won’t be a good mum I’ll be awful and this child deserves a better mum than me. The only positive is that their dad will be the best dad in the whole world

I’m sorry if anyone is offended by this I don’t mean to. I’m just feeling so low and scared. And alone.

Hi, congrats on the pregnancy.

Some worries are normal. Do you have a support network? Perhaps book in for antenatal classes such as yoga, Nct & make some friends.

It sounds like your partner is going to be a good support which will make a huge difference.

I have two dc, I loved them once they were born & later on in the pregnancies. I thought I had a gender pref but once baby arrived I wouldn’t have wanted them any other way.

There are tough times but there are also many fantastic times! X

Hi OP I think how you're feeling is probably more common than you think.

I'm mid twenties with a 2 year old and my life isn't over, it's just different. I didn't feel a connection when I was pregnant either and throughout my entire pregnancy I pictured my daughter as a little alien, until she was born and handed to me as an actual baby

Life has its highs and lows, motherhood is no different so I wouldn't just focus on how hard things could be but on all the lovely things that come with having a child and someone who will love you unconditionally.

Have you spoken to your babies dad about how you're feeling?

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I had my first two early 20’s and I loved becoming a mum so much I’m now in my 30’s and I’m pregnant again because I miss having little ones so much. Being a parent gives your life meaning that you can not even imagine yet. Yea, it is also fucking hard and can be really shit but you’ll find your way.

Also, not enjoying your pregnancy doesn’t mean that you won’t love your baby. Pregnancy sucks in my opinion but I love my children.

If these feeling are getting too much then please ask for help with the perinatal mental health team through your midwife. I’m currently seeing them for anxieties and cptsd and they’re great.

You’re completely normal and how you are feeling is valid but you do not need to suffer.

Hope you feel better xx

You are not alone. Talk to your midwife team they are there to help to through birth, low mental health and new baby care. Talk to your partner/family/friend. Your worries and concerns are valid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Having back pain, sickness etc. can be really horrible, hopefully by your 3rd trimester these symptoms will lessen. Pregnacy yoga is meant to help with back pain (if you have that). I was being sick up until 28 weeks which was horrible. Try to stay positive like only you can feel everytime your baby moves...

They are loads of free resources on the NHS website about new babies, read up on it, you can build up some confidence, you can do this. there are also loads of free videos and annetal you can watch, blossom antenatal do breastfeeding course, uk baby academy, new born course. Your life isn't over you will just need to be a little more organised and get someone reliable to babysit so you can go out. Don't put yourself down if your partner can be a great dad, you can be a great mum.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/

mybabyacademy.co.uk/free-online-workshop/

www.blossomantenatal.com/breastfeeding-class

Labour antenatal (3rd trimester): search "North West London maternity" on you tube.

Firstly, stop reading about how everything is terrible. I wasted my whole pregnancy reading every "I've ruined my life" thread and article. It didn't come true, I love being a mum.

As for enjoying the pregnancy, I'm not sure anyone could, although I know some people say they do. You feel so terrible! And it's hard to bond with the baby because you can't really think about anything but how crap you feel.

I'm sorry you feel like this - although, if it's any reassurance, I'm in my mid 30s and still don't feel ready to have a baby! And I've got one already... I am 32 weeks and can feel the fear of losing all my hard earned independence when baby arrives. It's scary - you go from doing what you want to do to having to plan for a little dependent and your life takes second fiddle. I think that worries everyone to some extent.

I also don't feel a huge bond with the baby in my tummy - I find it so hard to imagine that it's a proper little person growing in there. I think the films and TV romanticise all the talking to your bump, singing to it etc... you don't need to do all of that to be growing a loved baby!

It might be worth speaking to your midwife to see if there is any support available if you feel your worries are overwhelming you :-) x

You feel so terrible!

I’ve felt fine; to be fair - 17.5 weeks today and I’ve had so few symptoms that it’s been worrying at times. No nausea at all, no naps, nothing really.

I share the feeling of it all being a bit disconnected and scary, though.

Don't feel ashamed for feelings this way, pregnancy is really hard and not at all like it's hyped up to be! Maybe talk to your midwife about how you're feeling and they might be able to help? I promise you when the baby arrives all this will be 100% worth it.

I felt much like this.

I got weekly counselling sessions at the hospital which really helped. Hopefully something similar is still available.

It's normal to feel like this.
The fact you care so much about being a good mother really, really means you will be.

Look after yourself, make sure you are ok and you'll be in a stronger position to care for baby.

And don't worry if you don't feel an immediate bond or rush of love when you give birth, it doesn't always happen and it's not abnormal. It took quite a while for me to bond with my baby.

I felt just like this OP but when the baby came we bonded spectacularly. It's scary though I know.

It's not controversial. I think a lot of women feel like this, at some points or for longer periods. It is a big change to your life, it's an unknown experience and there is a lot of social/cultural pressure to be thrilled about pregnancy and thrilled about having a new baby. The reality is always much more complicated.

But your life isn't over. It will change and you will adapt. New babies are often very portable, especially if breastfeeding, you can still have impromptu outings and I found maternity leave with my first to be a great time. I went to all kinds of places on outings with my baby, who didn't mind where he was as long as he was comfy and fed.

You will be a good mum, in the early days its pretty much about holding them and feeding them. Then they get more interactive and start smiling at you, gazing at you with amazement etc and it becomes easier to interact with them. Things like baby massage classes, or baby sensory are good for getting ideas of how to bond and play with them. It doesn't matter if some days you have to fake it to get through, or do the bare minimum, because you're tired or just had enough.

Make sure your partner does his fair share, if you're doing all the feeding then he can do the majority of nappy changes or housework etc etc. Whatever works for you both. When he's looking after the baby, don't stress about trying to tidy, clean or whatever. Do whatever suits you, whether that's have a nap, watch tv, or anything else that you would enjoy.

Thank you all for your kind, reassuring words.

I will mention to my midwife as I’ve felt this way for a while now. Wishing I hadn’t gotten pregnant and wishing I could just not be pregnant and not be on my way to becoming a mother.

My DH is very supportive I’m lucky, I have told him. At first he was scared that I wanted to terminate and I don’t think I could ever do that it’d break us apart. I just constantly think about how better life would be if I wasn’t pregnant and wasn’t going to be a mum and it makes me sad I think that

I feel like if my baby is the gender I’m hoping for this may make me feel happier and excited. But I’m worried about if it isn’t - will I just feel more disconnected?

I think it might help to try to think about your baby as a unique person rather than a child of one sex or the other. It makes very little practical difference what sex your baby is, whilst they are little. Then they grow up into their own little individual personality, not a stereotype of one sex or the other.

I think it's very very likely that when they are born you will find a way to connect with them, if they are the unwanted sex. They will be a tiny vulnerable bundle that needs your help and you will at least feel responsible for them. The rest will come with time. If it doesn't seem to be coming along as it should then talk to your partner and your midwife/health visitor/GP about it.

Hi OP, is there a specific reason for your gender pref? Eg do you have a difficult relationship with a sibling, or has something else happened in your life to cause this?
I have one boy & one girl. In Pregnancy I had hoped for two of the same sex as I thought they’d get along better & this is the set up I grew up with this.

The reality is now that I love them both equally and they are individuals with unique personalities & experiences, regardless of the sex they were born. It’s probably worth exploring your feelings about this with a professional. Perhaps you will uncover something.

Your body & your life. It’s great that you spoke to your partner, you do have the right to be happy. Being a parent is life changing & does bring up feelings about our own upbringings.

Can you speak to your family & friends about future support? Particularly the early days when you may be feeling most vulnerable.

You are doing so well to be recognising these very tricky feelings & to be taking steps forward to explore them. Well done for speaking to your midwife & partner 💐

I really relate to these feelings and there are bit of motherhood that are really hard, especially at the start, so you are wise to be prepared, but overall I do not think you will look back and regret having your baby. I was blown away by how fun and rewarding it can be at times. I actually wish I'd had kids younger so that I could have more time with them. I also think that when you hit your forties you will be very carefree compared to lots of people!!

Hope you get the support you need to get through the next few weeks and months, good luck xxxx

A lot of people don't like being pregnant. They see it as a means to an end. That is a baby. Not wanting a baby is different. But dont worry about not being a good mother. As for the gender thing that's more difficult. A lot of folk do have a preference. Men too. But most get over it.

I have an sister and growing up I constantly felt compared to her. I would actually be compared to her and how I was different and she was similar to our mother and it just felt like a competition all the time.

I also struggled a lot with body image and an eating disorder growing up. I felt pressure to be a petite ‘girly’ girl and it ruined my childhood. I was a bit different than ‘girly girls’ (sorry hate that phrase but best way to describe it) and I always wish I had a brother

I don’t have the best relationship with my mother either

I would love to have a boy my heart aches for one. As sad as it sounds I’d feel so much happier if we’re having a boy and I can’t shake it. I really do hope it is a boy in general but also so that I can start feeling happy in this pregnancy

If you have a daughter, she’ll be exactly that your daughter. She won’t be your mum or your sister, she’ll be her own little person with her own likes, dislikes and opinions. You will know from your own experience that you shouldn’t make your DD into anything she won’t want to be. This baby will be its own person regardless of its sex and not an extension of the other females in your family.

I have boys and they are like chalk and cheese!

Just wanted to say I’m in the same position. It’s weird, isn’t it. The threads on here about women who dislike being mothers have been a lot to handle.

I don’t think covid has helped. It’s harder to picture losing your freedoms after 18 months of already lost freedoms. Do you think you’d feel better about this in normal circumstances?

I didn't bond with DS before he was born. Heck it took me a while after he was born. I did however have anxiety and depression that wasn't diagnosed until after DS was born.

Now that I'm feeling better I'm so glad I had him. He's 19 months old and full of fun and mischief. My life isn't unrecognisable from pre DS although it has obviously changed.

I'd say the way you're feeling is quite normal but if it feels like it's getting to be too much speak to your GP/midwife about betting some support.

I think a lot of people talk about postnatal depression, but antenatal depression also exists, and if that’s the case for you there is help you can access.

Hi I'm seeing posts I feel scared too and wished to check if things got better ?

Seeing these posts a year passed. I hope you are feeling better.. any advice ? As I have the same worries ... and was the baby the second you hoped for ?

Hi I feel like I could have written the original post, I wanted to see how it all panned out for you, hoping you’re still active here

Hi @Rgyoga are you still active on here?