Baby's room V sleeping together

[cat709]

Hi ladies

I'm posting it in the 'pregnancy' section as hoping to hear from second time mums or mums pregnant with 2nd where they might do things differently.

My baby is 5 months. She is ready to go into her own room in terms of size/sleeping full night etc. But when you google it, every site says wait at the very least 6 months. But any experienced mum I talk to put their baby in their own room way earlier - some a couple months.

She sleeps in my room for 5 hours before I even go up for the night. We have a video cam and breathing monitor. So she spends half the time away from me anyway.

Just don't know what to do. Have any mums done it way earlier and not let their anxiety take over?

Cat x

I'd be interested to know what nhs would say to us mothers who choose to put baby to bed and come downstairs for the evening - at a time when it's the baby's deepest sleep. I do this because I also have a relationship and other commitments, plus I don't want to be upstairs from 7 every night!

The NHS doesn't actually advise this, it's a misconception.

The NHS says:

"The safest place for your baby to sleep for the first 6 months is in a cot in the same room as you."

Which is consistent with other countries' advice, ie, it's good for them to be in your room as their sleeping space, not that you need to spend every single moment in that room with them.

Lullaby Trust on the other hand say:

"Place your baby to sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for the first 6 months, even during the day."

I don't have an older quote but I think for a while, it was a bit more explicit about staying in the room for all sleeps. This seems to have ingrained itself in a lot of MNers' heads as meaning that you can never leave a baby alone to sleep. (But the day they turn 182.5 days old, it's suddenly fine).

It's tricky really because it's nuanced. There's no fat black line dividing safe practice from unsafe. There is no magic talisman that will make your baby die or not die from SIDS. We are only ever talking about balancing risks. I think what Lullaby Trust were really intending to get across is that night time sleep is not magically different to naps or evening sleep, so you have to make the choice about the risk/benefit trade off for every sleep, but really that stretch of night time sleep from ~11pm-7am is the longest and so sleeping location during that time is going to make the most difference.

@cat709

Thank you to those have replied so far!

I think there is no clear cut answer, as everyone knows their own baby and what suits the household.

Perhaps I'll be more confident with a second baby and reduce the time that I go to use the baby's bedroom.

You can't follow every nhs rule - some make sense, some too harsh, and others I feel aren't backed up by vast statistics. I.e, I'd be interested to know what nhs would say to us mothers who choose to put baby to bed and come downstairs for the evening - at a time when it's the baby's deepest sleep. I do this because I also have a relationship and other commitments, plus I don't want to be upstairs from 7 every night!

Someone asked my why I wish to rush it - she has outgrown her next 2 me cot, is incredibly loud, and we must wake her at times during the night. My more experienced friends put their second baby in their own room from 8 weeks. And it does make me think that my baby spends 3 naps a day in a different room to me, plus 5 hours in the evening. Food for thought.

Cat x

Sure. You know better than all the research.

Your baby is at their most vulnerable when in deep sleep. You may be lucky and all those naps and sleep sessions away from you don’t cause harm.

I can’t imagine prioritising (seemingly) everything else above my baby’s safety whilst they are sleeping, but horses for courses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are your “other commitments”?

@NavigatingAdolescence

Not sure why you're being so abrupt. Both my initial post and second posts are my own opinion and I was careful to sit on the fence with other ladies' opinions, as everyone is allowed to be different. I would hate to make another lady feel bad about their choice.

I don't think there is anything wrong with me wanting to put my baby up to bed whilst I have an evening downstairs (with monitor and breathing gadget). Saying other commitments is because it's nothing to do with you! Could be another child, could be to do dinner, or all the chores I couldnt do in the day, or simply to chat to my partner.

If you read my post properly, I said I'd be interested to know further statistics. I never acted like I knew more, just keen to know other opinions.

How dare you claim I have prioritised other things before my child's safety by me wanting an evening or questioning doing something 4 weeks earlier than recommended.

Your post will insult so many other ladies on here who have committed to putting their baby early into their own room.

Bless you. Or maybe just be kind.

DD was in with us till about 7 months. I mostly stayed in the bedroom with her when she started reliably going to bed earlier - I watched TV or read, and got up for snacks, a pee, whenever I needed. Then she was in her own room for a while and now she's back because it turns out co-sleeping works really well for us both (but I go downstairs now when she goes to sleep at 7 until I'm ready for bed!).

Personally speaking, I didn't find it massively inconvenient. I did what I would do anyway of an evening really, watching TV, reading, browsing the net, eating biscuits . I spent a little less time with DH but it was temporary - we've been together eight years so we could manage a few months of not seeing each other as much in the evenings! And it wasn't like I couldn't leave the room, I just spent most of the evening in there but I would often leave and go chat to him for a little while or go and make a cup of tea, etc. And I had a few nights out (this was pre Covid). It really is such a short time, I know it's a cliche, but it does go by so fast, it didn't feel like a massive sacrifice to make, and now she's a toddler I wonder why I ever fretted over it in the first place.

@SamMil
I totally agree with you - I think after reading everyone's experiences and advice along with online websites, I think I'm going to do what you say and just wait 4 more weeks, given that I'm anxious too. X

Oh and DD has always slept through the TV. Even now I can watch it while she's asleep beside me and she won't wake up. She slept downstairs when she was tiny with all sorts going on and never seemed to care!

@VanillaSpiceCandle

So glad I read this as I’m due my first in January. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but do most people go to bed with their baby at 6/7/8pm? I can’t imagine the baby going to sleep in the living room with us - even if the TV is quiet it would surely disturb them?

Ours slept happily wherever we were until he started the evening crazy hour when he was about 8 weeks. We realised we were keeping him up too much so started to put him properly to bed then, and he was much happier.

You can't follow every nhs rule - some make sense, some too harsh, and others I feel aren't backed up by vast statistics. I.e, I'd be interested to know what nhs would say to us mothers who choose to put baby to bed and come downstairs for the evening - at a time when it's the baby's deepest sleep. I do this because I also have a relationship and other commitments, plus I don't want to be upstairs from 7 every night!

They’d tell you that it’s your job as a parent to consider their evidence-based guidance and then carry out your own risk-benefit analysis for your family’s individual situation.

Don’t bother with breathing monitors, in any case. There’s no evidence that they prevent SIDS.

@bakingdemon I think that's the same for us, we're tossing and turning and I'm sure we wake her. Glad to hear your little one is happier with your decision! X

Both of mine slept with us for all sleeps until they wanted to move into their own room which was when they were toddlers. We bedshared and I loved it. They are older now and I miss my bedtime snuggles.

The day my son turned 5 months we put him in his own room, we all slept so much better! He's now 2 and has never came back in our room.

I didn’t feel comfortable moving my baby before 6 months. I stayed with him for all sleep until he was 6 months old because I was anxious about sids.

If you’ve already started leaving her to sleep in your room on her own I don’t think it makes much difference if she’s in her own room now. You could check on her before you go to bed to reassure yourself.

I waited til mine were 3 years old. You do you. But I definitely wouldn't do it before 6 months personally for safety reasons

My baby is also 5 months old and I wouldn’t consider moving him to his own room yet. I wouldn’t be comfortable putting him to bed in my room without me either.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but it’s not worth the risk to me.

@VanillaSpiceCandle

So glad I read this as I’m due my first in January. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but do most people go to bed with their baby at 6/7/8pm? I can’t imagine the baby going to sleep in the living room with us - even if the TV is quiet it would surely disturb them?

Not necessarily. My baby is happily sleeping through the England game right now .

We have never been quiet when he’s sleeping though so he’s probably used to noise.

The risks arent worth it for me after losing a sister to SIDs.

I can understand that people struggle to judge it as a real risk when they dont have any personal experience of it but I really hope the good work of the NHS and charities like the Lullaby Trust which has been so effective in reducing SID rates is taken into account when making decisions such as these.

6 months goes by so quickly ultimately.

Some states attached

DD moved at 7 months (would have moved her at 6 months but her room wasn't quite ready!)

On the "not sleeping alone until 6 months" - we followed that fairly rigorously (I did leave her to go to the loo!). I went up when she did and listened to/ read stuff on my phone once she was asleep. In the first three or four months I didn't stay awake much after she'd gone to sleep anyway - it was a good chance to catch up on sleep. We were careful because there has been a SIDS death in the extended family so she may have been at slightly more risk (I believe they think there may be genetic factors.) I honestly can't say whether I'd have done the same if our circumstances had been different.

Oh, and DD had low birth weight, so that was another reason for me to be ultra careful. I know it's important to be in possession of all the facts, but I found the listing of that on things like the (otherwise very good) infographic Treedice has shared really difficult to be honest. There was nothing I could do about her birth weight - it's not the same sort of thing as where or how she slept where I could change things.

@VanillaSpiceCandle

So glad I read this as I’m due my first in January. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but do most people go to bed with their baby at 6/7/8pm? I can’t imagine the baby going to sleep in the living room with us - even if the TV is quiet it would surely disturb them?

Both of mine started really struggling to sleep with the light and TV on in the evening at about 3 months, so we started putting them up to bed then. It is against the guidelines, though. DS2 has also been having naps alone since about the same age because he can sleep through normal low level household noise but not through a toddler occasionally shouting so him having naps downstairs became completely unworkable. Again, though, I know that's not in accordance with the guidelines and it's a (tiny) risk I knowingly took.

It is worth noting that sleep alone is clearly correlated with SIDS risk but it's a very weak correlation compared to many of the other known risk factors (e.g. front sleeping - which DS2 now also does, but he's 5 months and rolls over himself, I put him down on his back so there's not much I can do - smoking, low birth weight) and, contrary to what people confidently assert on MN, no one actually knows why it is.

Sorry, I didn't see there was a 3rd page to the thread so a lot of that had already been said!

Mine stayed up with me until I went to bed until I weaned about 15 months and they went into a toddler bed

@110APiccadilly so sorry you found the image difficult - it's a really key message that it isn't about anything anyone has done, as you say, you can do everything "right' and still hit one or more of the criteria.

I'm a firm believer in knowledge being power and hopefully the infographic can help raise awareness so parents can better handle risk. Knowing the risk factors is so important in that. Unfortunately, not knowing about the risk factor doesn't limit the risk from it.

Hope you and the little one are well.

It's interesting that that graphic doesn mention exclusive breastfeeding, which is known to have a protective effect against SIDS. The Lullaby Trust does a page on it, but hastens to ensure people on it that "SIDS is now very rare".

I'd be interested to know if all the people declaring that they had to do absolutely everything that would reduce their risk even slightly also EBF for six months, as in nothing else by mouth at all other than medicine, as this stance requires.

SIDS is absolutely devastating, yes. But doing absolutely everything to reduce a risk, no matter how minute, regardless of the immediate effect on their life, is not how people make decisions in real life, especially when the risk reduction, in absolute terms, is a fairly miniscule reduction of an already miniscule risk. Arguably, that way of thinking is very unhealthy in itself and exposes you to other negative outcomes.

There is no way of living life without risk. All we can ever do is practically balance them for what seems to be a personal optimum.

It's interesting that that graphic doesn mention exclusive breastfeeding, which is known to have a protective effect against SIDS. The Lullaby Trust does a page on it, but hastens to ensure people on it that "SIDS is now very rare"

That message is literally everywhere else believe me. I wasn’t able to breastfeed - I know on mumsnet that’s often interpreted as didn’t try hard enough or would have done if I’d have had more information or support or something, but I literally didn’t produce a drop and I tried gruellingly hard for weeks.

Pretty much everywhere I looked for sleep advice (because I also got one who would only sleep when held) made the point that my baby would be safer breastfeeding.

It’s part of the reason I was so paranoid about following the rest of the guidance - I could only control what I could control.

Although we did end up cosleeping which according to many sources might as well have been smothering her with a pillow since I wasn’t bf. But since she wouldn’t sleep any other way and I was at serious risk of dropping off holding her (well it happened once) then needs must.

I’m not complaining that the info is out there or the point is made about breastfeeding as like you say it’s best to make an informed decision. But there was nothing more I could have tried and as the guilt was already pretty crushing is probably why I was much stricter on not leaving her alone