Terrified of child birth

[Cece2021]

Hi, I’m a young female (18) and pregnant with my first, I have terrible anxiety issues and they stemmed from being an ill child and having a negative past, I keep having terrifying dreams of things going wrong or being forced to have the baby a way I don’t want, I did childcare for 3 years I knew where a baby would have to come from and what it would look like…

I just feel as though my opinion is being selfish as I chose this but at the same time I’ve learnt so much I wasn’t told and I’ve had such a terrible ill pregnancy, I would love to know if anyone else felt the same or is feeling the same

OP, there is a proper name for this - tokophobia - and it’s not uncommon. I have it too. Please speak to your midwife when you have your booking so they can support you.

I think more women then you'd imagine are scared.
You're not being selfish - of course you're not
Please do talk to whoever is looking after you, and remember it is fine to do so.

Oh OP this isn’t selfish at all! It’s completely normal and rational to be scared of something potentially painful and that feels out of your control! Please speak to your midwife - lots of hospitals have specialist teams of midwives/doctors to talk about previous medical trauma and birth options. Good luck

@SinkGirl I had never heard of that before, I’ll have to search it up, it’s been to the point of crying every day over it, every time they talk to me about birth options I just don’t want to talk about it, I’ve said on multiple occasions in a way I wish one day I was just going into labour in the bath or something

Maybe have a look at some hypnobirthing stuff and read up on birth options etc. I found this really really helped me feel more confident.

I went from wanting a fully medicated, planned c section to choosing to birth at home with no pain relief.

I'm not saying you will want to do the same but knowledge is power. You might surprise yourself.

@FindingMeno thank you so much, I had a talk with them today, they definitely were pushing me towards vaginal which is the one I dread more in a way but I hope with more talking to them they can understand my point of view 💐

@AliceW89 You pretty much hit the nail on the head, I’m just feeling so out of control of my body and everything to do with my pregnancy, I thought because I was so educated I would be able to handle it but apparently the opposite, I just worry about a long painful labour and being forced to do it

@funder I will look into it, I have thought of the possibility of a doula but at the same time them talking about it would just make me feel sick, I’m not usually a squeamish person when it comes to surgeries and things it’s just an area I’ve never abused 😅 I have a lot of issues with tearing during sex and it’s so painful so I can’t imagine what a baby does :(

When I was pregnant with DD1, I wasn’t worried about labour at all. In my mind, it was something women had done for millions of years and I would be absolutely fine.

When I was pregnant with DD2, I worried about it more because I knew it would fucking hurt and I genuinely considered a c-section. I’m glad I didn’t though because my recovery from DD2’s birth was really quick and I don’t think it would have been if I’d had a section.

Both of my labours were absolutely fine but if it’s not something you feel you want to do, request a section. That’s your right.

Can you have someone with you during the birth who you trust? Someone who has had children themselves? Your mother , an Aunt or a friend?
Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?

i worked with somebody a little like you , id had a vaginal birth and i knew she was trying for a baby , she asked me constantly about the labour , question after question , i was induced so i was finding myself giving her more or less a full blown account of every step of my labour , i did try to tell her that its different for every woman , but of course she was fixed on mine , she duly fell pregnant and when she came back shed had to have an emergency c section anyway lol . its natural to worry , and having a crap pregnancy and feeling ill a lot dont help , i was ill a lot as well and had a stay in hospital , i was 2 weeks over and by then i was just desperate to give birth i really was

i have a small frame and i was enourmous , when i went into labour it was a relief in many ways . talk to your midwife as its already been suggested tell her how scared you are about a vaginal birth . i only had gas and air .plus pethidine .but you can have an epidural , a friend of mine had it with all her 4 and she hardly felt a thing . there are options for you for sure .

I was pretty terrified when I was pregnant about having my baby but found hypnobirthing really helpful in understanding what could and would happen. The positive birth company has a good book and online course about it

I was initially so worried about giving birth when I first found out I was pregnant. I'm now 32 weeks and I've never been looking forward to something so much, labour means that this awful pregnancy will soon be over !!!

I am just like you. You know you can request a c section? Be forceful if they are unwilling to refer you, especially if it is making you cry every day.

But you're right to be terrified, giving birth is still a very dangerous thing for a woman to do. I don't know what to tell you, but the things you're worried about happened to me and happen to lots of women. As part of a wider discussion I think we need to stop glossing over childbirth with an 'its natural' brush and accept that for an awful lot of women it is brutal. I know this sounds harsh, but the tone of your post is that you are being unreasonably worried, but you're not. It's perfectly logic to feel as you do. On a practical note, I think having someone with you in labour who can advocate for you is really helpful.

I’m 34 weeks and have a c-section booked for the same reason. My obsession with scaring myself to death with horror stories on the internet about birth and videos on YouTube has ruined a lot of my adult life. It was non-stop! I knew if I ever got pregnant I would want and need a section. I’ve found it really quite straightforward to get one. I have mentioned this at every appointment from 6 weeks. At 22 weeks I was referred to the consultant and at 29 weeks I told her how anxious this all makes me and I saw no other acceptable way for me to give birth. She booked it in there and then. I had printed a piece of paper about the NICE guidelines and also took a lot of information from the birth rights website (the page called maternal request c-section). I have only relaxed since my section has been booked. Before that I was waking up during the night worrying about this decision being made. Have a look online at those resources, take notes in with you and stand your ground that you have the right to give birth to your baby the way you choose. Most consultants do seem to be understanding now but they will try to scare you with the risks

I have a lot of issues with tearing during sex and it’s so painful so I can’t imagine what a baby does
This shouldn't be happening lovey - either you're not ready or you need extra lube or your partner is being too rough with you.
I did not tear with DC1 as I had an arranged episiotomy (controlled cut of perineum between vagina and anus).Not all women tear.
Not all women have horror stories. You have the right to an informed choice. I found vaginal childbirth painful personally but my post-birth recovery seemed far easier than the women next to me who had had sections - they were in pain afterwards. Swings, roundabouts.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so anxious about the birth, i was scared having my first at age 30 but especially at 18 I’d have been very anxious! I would definitely recommend trying hynobirthing, that’s what I’m doing second time round now. They will teach you techniques to stay calm and control your breathing which I know sounds like rubbish but breathing correctly makes such a difference.

For my first I didn’t have time for pain relief, I was very very scared all through my pregnancy but actually once things started up it hurt yes but I wasn’t scared anymore. It’s quite primal your body just takes over and you’re ultra focused. Although it hurt a lot I found once the midwife made me relax my shoulders and got me breathing right I felt much more in control and it really helped.

I’d definitely speak to your midwife about your worries and have a think about what you might be more comfortable with, I think when people have extreme anxiety you can actually request a c-section but have to see a counsellor before (I’m sure I’ve read this but your midwife will know). Good luck!

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe I’ve had it all my sexual life really, with every partner male or female too, I was sexually assaulted a couple years back and now every time I have sex my vagina feels like it’s going to “fall out” in a way and I tear

@Rou5467 thank you so much my partner has said the same and said he believes I’ll just get into the state I need to be in, they did talk to me about seeing a counsellor, the first thing they tried to do was put me on pills which really upset me, a problem hidden isn’t a problem gone you know :( x

@Handsoffstrikesagain I’ve been told in these comments to really look at hypnobirthing and I’m going to look into it most definitely, wow 4 times is amazing, I don’t even think I could do the pregnancy bit 4 times 😂😅, so I guess the best thing to do is try stay as in control of your situation and body as possible

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. Just so you know, you can request a cesarean delivery if you want to. Then you would know when it's going to happen and there wouldn't be any vaginal problems. If you do request one (just tell your midwife that you have decided that's what you want to do), they will refer you to a perinatal mental health nurse to support you in that decision. This can actually be really helpful, they are lovely and supportive.

@sarah13xx it’s really nice to hear of someone else having an elective c section due to the same reason, I felt as though I was being over the top and was being treated as I was too, and yes being someone who had to search it up every day for 3 years I feel you there, the birth videos, one born every minute, all of it scared the shit out of me more and more; especially when there would be complications in those videos, because of my age I feel as though they’re trying to put me across as like a little girl who just has to do what she’s told and that really :(