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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

18 weeks, abroad and in-law hell

32 replies

faraway3ndconfused · 26/06/2021 19:47

I got married in January and am currently 18 weeks with my little girl. I live in my husband's country and his parents are very intense and religious although he isn't at all. From the beginning of our relationship his parents have disapproved of me, his mum wouldn't even look at me the first few times she met me and has since gone on to tell me bad things will happen to my family because they don't believe in God and that I'm not allowed to work again after the baby's born. I've also had quite a tough time since i moved here and really struggled with culture shock and homesickness over Christmas to which his mother told me I was attention seeking and 'not to ruin their celebration'.

Since we told them we were expecting a girl it's all got so much worse. My FiL keeps going on about how much better boys are and how sad he is that it's a girl and how him and his wife were blessed with two sons because they're pious and God didn't give me a son because i'm a bad person. I'm finding it all insanely stressful. I've suffered with some anxiety and depression in the past but i'm really struggling at the moment especially with feeling so guilty about the world I'm bringing my daughter into. She deserves so much better and I should've provided it for her.

Any help or advice with how to deal with this situation would really be appreciated.

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 26/06/2021 19:52

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this at a time when you should be excited. What does your dh say about his parents? Is he ok with them talking to you like that? Would you be able to come home?

Fitforforty · 26/06/2021 19:57

Move home and have your child. If you give birth to your child in that country it will be difficult for you to leave with her until her DH gives permission.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 26/06/2021 19:57

What does your DH say while they are abusing you? Come home.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 26/06/2021 19:57

What a poster said above - make sure you give birth here.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 26/06/2021 19:59

Sorry. I’d be booking a flight back before the baby was born. Wherever you are, I suspect it’ll be very difficult to come back once the baby is born.
How supportive is your DH? Do you live with the in-laws?

Howshouldibehave · 26/06/2021 20:00

@Fitforforty

Move home and have your child. If you give birth to your child in that country it will be difficult for you to leave with her until her DH gives permission.
This.

Nothing will get better whilst you’re there.

Original poster
faraway3ndconfused · 26/06/2021 20:02

I'm almost definitely going to come home, it's my first and I want the legal protection of my little girl being a UK citizen first.

It's difficult for my DH because this behaviour is normal to him, he's very different to the rest of his family, somehow they managed to create an incredibly kind and empathetic man but because he's so different he's treated like this too. His dad will often belittle him in front of people and he feels like he can't say or do anything because his dad is the head of the family. I had to explain to him quite early own that that isn't how most family's operate and that he doesn't deserve to be put down by his parents.

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 26/06/2021 20:03

To echo what others have said, please consider getting on a plane home as soon as you can, have your baby at home. This will not improve.

If your husband is a good man, he will support you in facing down this appalling behaviour and cutting them off if they refuse to treat you with respect.

If he cannot or will not do that, your life is going to be a living hell and you will be trapped there.

Do your family know what is going on? Can you rely on them for support?

Toomanypickles · 26/06/2021 20:04

Flowers congrats for your pregnancy op, I'm sorry it's hard, it sounds tough...are you able to Skype or zoom friends or fam back home just for some positive feedback?

Please don't add extra pressure on yourself as "providing the best" ...you love your bump, and right now, that's all she needs. There's time to put other things in place.

Assuming you are happy and safe in your marriage then it's time for a talk with your husband about how you can move forward- what options you have either returning (assuming you are from the UK) or getting a place of your own? What is it ideally you would want to happen?

I have a mixed culture marriage and I had the "ideal" boy baby but I would've been delighted either way, but I do to an extent have experience of the comments you've been getting. I'm guessing trying to talk things through with your in law's might not be a way forward, but keep that option on the table, if you feel like they might change.

I'm sorry if myself advice isn't great, I was abroad in my 2nd trim, but I hope it's helped?? Try to be kind to yourself in your own thoughts though, and is there any way you could build up a network there if coming back isn't an option?

Hugs xx

Sending love, and

Original poster
faraway3ndconfused · 26/06/2021 20:04

We don't live with his parents but we live in the same building where they all work (confusing I know!) We have a plan to leave some time in the future but he has a business he runs here that he wouldn't be able to run from the UK yet. In the meantime I'm just worried about the person i'm becoming. I feel so nervous and sad all the time and that's not the person I used to be.

OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 26/06/2021 20:04

I fully agree with everyone else.
Come home ASAP.
If your husband wants to come, good, if not, you’ll manage and still be better off without horrible, nasty people in your life.

Geamhradh · 26/06/2021 20:07

Your baby will be a British Citizen anyway, as long as you are a British Citizen by birth. That said, make sure if you are going to leave you do so before the baby is born, as once the child is born you may well need the father's consent.

Killahangilion · 26/06/2021 20:08

What country are you living in?
Assuming you’re originally from the U.K., would your DH consider you both moving to the U.K. for the birth and thereby enabling the baby to have British citizenship?

They’re using their religion as a method of control and punishment, so are you happy for your daughter to grow up being treated as a second class citizen and believing she’s inferior to men?

What if you stay there and your next child is a boy?
Your in-laws would take control and you might never be able to take him out of the country.

I’d get out ASAP.

Christmasfairy2020 · 26/06/2021 20:09

Gosh what country is this. Move home asap

Howshouldibehave · 26/06/2021 20:09

Where did you meet him?

Why did he-a nice man who really isn’t like them-decide to take himself and the wife he presumably loves, back to people like them? He knew how they would treat you-why is he doing this?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2021 20:12

It's difficult for my DH because this behaviour is normal to him, he's very different to the rest of his family

I would bet my house he's really not. His true colours will be showing soon enough. Get yourself out of that country ASAP, tomorrow if you can. Do not stay in that country or go back after the baby is born.

Callisto1 · 26/06/2021 20:17

Go back to the UK without him. Can you stay with your parents while you manage to find your feet again?

This domineering family that he is part of is very bad news and if you don't leave now you may well get sucked in. Have a serious talk with him about how it affects you and that you want better for your child. If he is ready to break from them he may come to join you, but I would not risk my child being taken from me and brought up in such a horrible environment!

UberMullet · 26/06/2021 20:18

Honestly come home now! Do not give birth there. Once that becomes the baby's habitual residence you risk getting stuck there.

Original poster
faraway3ndconfused · 26/06/2021 20:19

Yeah I understand your points but i really don't think he knew it would be this bad. He's already said he'll support me in having the baby back home and staying and long as I want with him visiting regularly. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for him because if anyone's frustrated for his naivety right now it's me.

OP posts:
Pinkypink · 26/06/2021 20:20

I feel very sad for you, op.
There are different norms in every family so I get he sees things differently.
His parents have really behaved terribly to you and I can only imagine the next thread you write in a year's time will be filled with criticism, belittling of your parenting and attempts to impose things on you and your daughter.
Please get home and then explain to your husband why you will not go back.

JonathanRipples · 26/06/2021 20:32

Please come home and have your baby- depending on which country you are in now once the baby is born you may not be able to leave with your baby if you decide to leave your husband and his family.

saraclara · 26/06/2021 20:38

Yep. Come home now. Your husband supports you in doing so (if I read your post correctly), so you have no reason to stay at this point.

Christmasfairy2020 · 27/06/2021 08:24

Can he move to the UK? Is he Turkish?

MintMatchmaker · 27/06/2021 08:31

Get home as soon as you can. Your husband knew the environment you were moving to and thought that was okay?

You need to get home whilst you are still able to fly. Do not run the risk of your baby being born there and your daughter being treated the way you are.

ivfgottwins · 27/06/2021 08:48

I'm almost definitely going to come home, it's my first and I want the legal protection of my little girl being a UK citizen first.

What country are you in? Because your daughter being a U.K. citizen means diddly squat if the country you are in isn't signed up to The Hague Convention on International Child Abduction ....I'm going to take a guess and say you are in a Middle Eastern country....in which case you and your child have no legal protection whether she's born in the U.K. or not. If her father decides to bend to the will of his family and takes her out of the country/doesn't let her leave then there is very little you can do about it

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