I just found out I'm pregnant and need advice

[sas94]

Hi everyone,

I just found out I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I'm really confused and not sure what to do. I've been really careful with contraception but as you know accidents can happen.

I really don't want to have a termination as I have had one a few years ago and I really regretted my decision as I was young and just didn't know what to do. However, I just don't know if I'm ready yet and I have no idea where to even begin with babies, I would be totally lost in that aspect. I have no mummy friends to ask either.

My partner is supportive, but unfortunately lost his job during covid but is trying to find another one. We live with my nan, and I'm not sure where we would live once the baby would come and I have no idea what I would do in terms of trying to find somewhere to live with barely any money. I live in London so it's quite expensive.

I also just got offered a promotion at work (but haven't received my contract yet) so I'm not sure what I would do in that sense and whether I would get maternity pay or just have to leave the job.

Please bare in mind I am really nervous about this whole situation, I know I made a mistake in not being more careful.

Any advice would be really appreciated, especially if anyone's been in the same situation as me.

Thanks in advance.

Congratulations!

Honestly I don’t normally say this but in your shoes I would hold off letting your work know until the ink is dry on the contract. Then tell them the day after. Pregnancy is no reason to not honour but unscrupulous companies have been known to find a reason it’s not longer possible so do get it in writing first. How long have you been in your job? This will dictate what type of maternity pay you are entitled to.

Definitely don't leave your job, I can't remember the exact time but you don't need to tell them until something like 16 weeks. I'm sure someone on here will know or you could Google it. If you can check your company's maternity pay then you could start budgeting. You usually get 90,% for the first six weeks I think, my company then paid 50% for 6 months then I returned to work or could have had statutory but that was so low I couldn't really afford not to return to work.

It sounds to me like you would like to keep the baby. It's hard having a baby even when it's planned, there's no good time, although I suppose there can be better times than others! On the other hand you were doing everything you could not so get pregnant so you shouldn't feel bad if you don't go through with the pregnancy.

Op, I feel your worry. I found out last week at 8 weeks also and it was a real shock I was not ready or prepared and wasn’t sure I ever wanted this. I don’t live with my partner and now we have made the decision to keep the baby so much has to change. It really is scary. Last week I was in your position completely. A week later and I’m still worried sick but have come full circle in my decision and have decided in my heart and mind.

As others have said, don’t tell work carry on with your promotion and tell them later. Money worried are terrifying but at least secure your maternity pay and the prospect of going back in your new role.

There’s never a good time to have a baby but I would talk things through with your partner & a close friend if you can & give yourself a week or so to process before making a concrete decision 😘 Things will work out ok whatever you decide but an unplanned pregnancy always knocks you sideways a bit 😘

Could you get on the council list now?

@Littlegoth

Congratulations!

Honestly I don’t normally say this but in your shoes I would hold off letting your work know until the ink is dry on the contract. Then tell them the day after. Pregnancy is no reason to not honour but unscrupulous companies have been known to find a reason it’s not longer possible so do get it in writing first. How long have you been in your job? This will dictate what type of maternity pay you are entitled to.

Hi, thank you so much for your reply and being so kind. I've been in my job since September last year but only part time! They offered me full time and a better position a few months ago as I will be replacing someone so won't be getting a new contract until they leave (end of July).

@Cotswoldmama

Definitely don't leave your job, I can't remember the exact time but you don't need to tell them until something like 16 weeks. I'm sure someone on here will know or you could Google it. If you can check your company's maternity pay then you could start budgeting. You usually get 90,% for the first six weeks I think, my company then paid 50% for 6 months then I returned to work or could have had statutory but that was so low I couldn't really afford not to return to work. It sounds to me like you would like to keep the baby. It's hard having a baby even when it's planned, there's no good time, although I suppose there can be better times than others! On the other hand you were doing everything you could not so get pregnant so you shouldn't feel bad if you don't go through with the pregnancy.

Hi, thank you for your reply and being so kind also! I will definitely Google. My current part time contract doesn't say anything about maternity pay so I'm not sure if my new one will. I won't be getting this new contract until end of July! I do want to keep the baby I'm just super nervous and aware that my current living situation probably isn't ideal x

@sociallydistained

Op, I feel your worry. I found out last week at 8 weeks also and it was a real shock I was not ready or prepared and wasn’t sure I ever wanted this. I don’t live with my partner and now we have made the decision to keep the baby so much has to change. It really is scary. Last week I was in your position completely. A week later and I’m still worried sick but have come full circle in my decision and have decided in my heart and mind.

As others have said, don’t tell work carry on with your promotion and tell them later. Money worried are terrifying but at least secure your maternity pay and the prospect of going back in your new role.

Oh bless you. I agree it is super scary and Im really happy you made the right decision for you. I'm sure you will be a great mum no matter what ❤️ Have you decided to live together? I have tried to get on the council list before (my mum kicked me out very young) but had no luck. I guess I'd probably have a better chance now I'm pregnant but it's still a big risk to me. I want to bring a baby into a stable home

@sparklyblue81

There’s never a good time to have a baby but I would talk things through with your partner & a close friend if you can & give yourself a week or so to process before making a concrete decision 😘 Things will work out ok whatever you decide but an unplanned pregnancy always knocks you sideways a bit 😘

Hi thank you for this message. I really appreciate your kind words. My partner is in shock as am I. I just want to make the right decision x

You do not have to tell work you are pregnant until 25 weeks pregnant (15 weeks before due date)
If it is the same employer it will be continuation of service and you will qualify for their maternity pay based on length of service.
If not you will get statutory maternity pay.

You are protected by law because you are pregnant. Wait until contract signed for added security. You have rights in employment law.

Ok so this is how it works.

You need to be employed for 26 weeks by the 15th week before the week you are due (so basically as long as you were already working there when you got pregnant you are entitled to maternity leave as SMP.

This page explains it but if you have any questions just ask:

www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/pay

Your average weekly salary is determined by what you earn during the qualifying weeks and so depending on when you are due may be impacted if you go full time (if part of your qualifying weeks fall during full time it’ll bump your maternity pay a bit).

You don’t have to tell your employer until 15 weeks before the Sunday of the week your baby is due.

Should say the Sunday BEFORE your baby is due, not the one at the end of the week x

@Littlegoth

Should say the Sunday BEFORE your baby is due, not the one at the end of the week x

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate your help. The added financial security of maternity pay would help a lot. I'll definitely wait for my new contract. I hopefully won't show for a while x

@thingymaboob

You are protected by law because you are pregnant. Wait until contract signed for added security. You have rights in employment law.

Thank you, I didn't know it was by law!

@Kona84

You do not have to tell work you are pregnant until 25 weeks pregnant (15 weeks before due date) If it is the same employer it will be continuation of service and you will qualify for their maternity pay based on length of service. If not you will get statutory maternity pay.

Thank you for this. Will I get statutory pay even if its not in my contract? Sorry I'm clueless on this

Yes SMP is a legal entitlement dependant on length of service - although some companies bump it with extra contractual maternity pay

I conceived my third baby a few weeks ago. It was planned and I still freaked out! It took me a good week or two to get my head around it and stop thinking about all of the logistics. In my experience, things always work themselves out somehow. Also, there are countless women who dont have any experience of looking after babies and they figure it out just fine. There are books and YouTube and Google plus if you are in the UK you have a midwife and health visitor who come around after the baby is born. I found also that I kind of knew what to do with my babies on an instinctive level when they arrived, and they are quite simple: cuddle them, feed them, clothe them, change them. Another thing is that pregnancy goes really slowly! It's not like you find out you are pregnant and suddenly you have a baby to look after. You have the best part of a year to get your head around it and by that stage, I tended to feel pretty keen to get the show on the road!

@Anonapapple

I conceived my third baby a few weeks ago. It was planned and I still freaked out! It took me a good week or two to get my head around it and stop thinking about all of the logistics. In my experience, things always work themselves out somehow. Also, there are countless women who dont have any experience of looking after babies and they figure it out just fine. There are books and YouTube and Google plus if you are in the UK you have a midwife and health visitor who come around after the baby is born. I found also that I kind of knew what to do with my babies on an instinctive level when they arrived, and they are quite simple: cuddle them, feed them, clothe them, change them. Another thing is that pregnancy goes really slowly! It's not like you find out you are pregnant and suddenly you have a baby to look after. You have the best part of a year to get your head around it and by that stage, I tended to feel pretty keen to get the show on the road!

Hi there, Congratulations on your baby! Thank you so much for this. As a first time mum, it's just so daunting! I'm so worried about doing stuff wrong. I hope it will come naturally x

I think that even first time mums who have had experience with babies (younger siblings, nieces and nephews etc) still find it to be a different kettle of fish when its their own, but I found that I didn't feel afraid of breaking my own babies like I did with other people's, if that makes sense! I have had two and other people's babies always cry when they are handed to me and I can never remember how to hold them or what to do!

I follow a married couple on youtube; one an obstretrician and the other is a paediatrician, and they just had their first baby. The obstetrician was never expecting pregnancy to be so tiring and the paediatrician dad was very surprised at some aspects of having the baby, as it's different to seeing babies in 15 minute appointments. It's so funny that even people with actual expertise in this area still feel a bit daunted! They are called the Doctors Bjorkmann, I think.

In saying that, my first baby was so chilled out and I didn't know what all the fuss was a out! My second came along and cleared that up for me but she was a total legend in her own way 😄

My point is that when you have your baby, you will be fine. Either an instinct will kick in, or you can use a forum like this, or ask your doctor/midwife/health visitor; or watch a video or maybe your baby will be super easy. You said you have a partner: it's great having emotional backup and bouncing ideas off eachother. And even mums who have more than one child will constantly have other firsts in their child rearing journey.

I just remembered a memory of when we brought our first home from the hospital and I was too scared to sleep in case he stopped breathing. I remember thinking "How can I spend the rest of my life never sleeping again?" I soon realised that I loved sleep and if he was sleeping I would too, and he was fine.

One day you will be able to advise someone who is shocked about being pregnant, and you can tell her that you felt the same and that it was fine, and maybe even that it was the best thing that ever happened to you!

@Anonapapple

I think that even first time mums who have had experience with babies (younger siblings, nieces and nephews etc) still find it to be a different kettle of fish when its their own, but I found that I didn't feel afraid of breaking my own babies like I did with other people's, if that makes sense! I have had two and other people's babies always cry when they are handed to me and I can never remember how to hold them or what to do!

I follow a married couple on youtube; one an obstretrician and the other is a paediatrician, and they just had their first baby. The obstetrician was never expecting pregnancy to be so tiring and the paediatrician dad was very surprised at some aspects of having the baby, as it's different to seeing babies in 15 minute appointments. It's so funny that even people with actual expertise in this area still feel a bit daunted! They are called the Doctors Bjorkmann, I think.

In saying that, my first baby was so chilled out and I didn't know what all the fuss was a out! My second came along and cleared that up for me but she was a total legend in her own way 😄

My point is that when you have your baby, you will be fine. Either an instinct will kick in, or you can use a forum like this, or ask your doctor/midwife/health visitor; or watch a video or maybe your baby will be super easy. You said you have a partner: it's great having emotional backup and bouncing ideas off eachother. And even mums who have more than one child will constantly have other firsts in their child rearing journey.

I just remembered a memory of when we brought our first home from the hospital and I was too scared to sleep in case he stopped breathing. I remember thinking "How can I spend the rest of my life never sleeping again?" I soon realised that I loved sleep and if he was sleeping I would too, and he was fine.

One day you will be able to advise someone who is shocked about being pregnant, and you can tell her that you felt the same and that it was fine, and maybe even that it was the best thing that ever happened to you!

This is lovely. Thank you so much I really hope my experience will be good like yours. My partner is great, and I know he will be a good father. I'm just super nervous but I guess there is never a right time for a baby. I hope I find some people who have had children to be friends with, all of my friends are single and don't have children and babies! Thank you for sharing your experience it has really helped me make my decision (which I already wanted) to keep the baby ❤️

I just thought I'd add that the details surrounding Maternity pay isn't mentioned in my contract but my company has a policy which details every thing, so you might want to look to see if your work place has a policy for maternity and what it is as some offer higher than just the legal requirements :)

I'll add that I also planned my baby (currently 15 weeks pregnant) but still had a massive freak out once I found out I wa pregnant.. First time mum here too! It took a lot of getting my head around... as someone mentioned there never really is the "right moment" to have a baby.. there's always a reason why "somewhen else might be better" :)

Good luck in whatever you decide OP x

@Taenia

I just thought I'd add that the details surrounding Maternity pay isn't mentioned in my contract but my company has a policy which details every thing, so you might want to look to see if your work place has a policy for maternity and what it is as some offer higher than just the legal requirements :)

I'll add that I also planned my baby (currently 15 weeks pregnant) but still had a massive freak out once I found out I wa pregnant.. First time mum here too! It took a lot of getting my head around... as someone mentioned there never really is the "right moment" to have a baby.. there's always a reason why "somewhen else might be better" :)

Good luck in whatever you decide OP x

Hi there,

I'll definitely look into it. I'm not even sure if it is a legal requirement for the company to give maternity pay! It is very stressful but hopefully will be worth it. Good luck on your pregnancy, wishing you and your baby lots of happiness xxx

@sas94 I'm really happy for you! Pregnancy and parenthood is a rollercoaster but it's so worth it for all the fun and love! Best wishes with everything x

@sas94 yes it is a legal requirement for a company to give maternity pay. SMP (statutory maternity pay) is the legal minimum they have to pay. They aren’t allowed to tell you how much maternity leave you are allowed to take, or decline your request for maternity leave either.