Reactions to telling people you’re pregnant

[mummatosquish]

First off- I’m 21- I know it’s young, and it wasn’t planned but we are financially secure and everything happens for a reason, right? Anyway, I’m assuming my age is a huge factor in people’s reactions, but I’ve told everyone I work with (15 or so people); one person said congratulations, the rest have said something along the lines of “was it planned?” “Is this what you want?” “Are you sure you’re ready?” “Have you considered all your options and thought everything through?” Etc. Although they have all said the support and respect my decision. Why do people react like this- do they think I’m too young or do you think it’s the fact a 21 year old is having sex (maybe before marriage is a factor?). I don’t know.

When you hear pregnancy announcements, do you automatically think “oh they had sex” because again, a couple peoples first reactions have been “well the two of you have been busy” or “didn’t you use protection?”

Any insights would be amazing at this point

If it helps, I was asked by a health professional when I was pregnant with my first DC at 42 'do you want to go ahead with the pregnancy?'

I have learned over the years to say nothing apart from 'congratulations' when I hear a pregnancy announcement whatever my personal views.

I hated telling people at work specifically because I felt it was like announcing to the office that I’d been having a lot of sex! (Most of my colleagues are men, lots of them said well done )

With DC1, someone said “is it congratulations, or..?”

Now pregnant with DC2, people are much less excited for me.

I was in my 30s, newly married, owned own property, self sufficient, established career and I still got asked twice if my pregnancy was planned.

Once you are pregnant some people think they have the right to say whatever they want to you.

How rude of them. Surely the only appropriate thing to say is “Congratulations!”

So here it is: Congratulations, OP!

I have had the question from all of my friends and family members for both pregnancies, of which I was 29 and 33. 'Weren't you using protection?' 'Don't you think it's a bit soon?' They soon regretted having any reservations or worries for me after my babies were born, some people just need more info I never took it personally.

I'm not sure it is to do with your age or just that sometimes people don't want to put their foot in their mouths and so want to check first that you're happy about it, out of curiosity do they know you and your partner and do they know anything about your relationship? E.g. how long you have been together - this is one of the reasons that I was asked as I had only been in a relationship with my DP for 9months prior.

I'm 28, married, been with my husband for nearly 10 years. Some people asked me if it was planned and if I was trying. Probably not quite as many people as you have said.

I think people are just nosey and I wouldn't take it to heart. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

@Ragwort

If it helps, I was asked by a health professional when I was pregnant with my first DC at 42 'do you want to go ahead with the pregnancy?'

I have learned over the years to say nothing apart from 'congratulations' when I hear a pregnancy announcement whatever my personal views.

It massively depends on the setting/occasion obviously but coming from a health professional, I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing to ask?

I fell pregnant very unexpectedly with DC3 and in all honesty, had a lot of mixed emotions over it. I went for an early scan with my OB at about 7/8 weeks and actually really appreciated her asking ‘is this happy news?’ rather than immediately gushing congratulations. I liked that I could be very open with her about how I felt and we had some really frank conversations about my options (which was particularly good of her, considering I live in a country where there is no access to abortion)

I see what you mean Primera and I am pretty thick skinned so it genuinely didn't bother me but I can imagine for another woman in her 40s, who may have been trying to have a baby for years it might have been a distressing question. I guess there must be a more tactful way of asking.

When I announced my pregnancy at 40 one of my friends girlfriends said "I assume that was an accident" so it's not just because you're young.
For the record my daughter was very much planned.

One of my friends was asked by a colleague if their third was an accident as they already had a boy and a girl (not that it matters but the third baby was a much wanted and planned addition to their family). I was asked if mine was planned by someone from work that I wasn't that close to, it's odd that some people seem to think its appropriate to ask/comment on something so personal.

We got "are you joking?!" from my mother as an initial reaction and "was it planned?" from most people, baby number 6.
Our 1st I was 21 when I'd had my dating scan, only told a few people who needed to know and it got around after that. Not planned and he wasn't happy initially so I really didn't care what anyone else thought.

@mummatosquish Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ How far along are you?

People are so weird when it comes to pregnancy OP! I was 29 and had been with DH for 10 years when we had our first and I’d say at least 50% of the people we told responded with “ohhh...was it planned?!” 🤔 and we even got “Oh right... but I didn’t know you were trying” from MIL 🙄 Not sure why she had expected me to announce that we we’re going to start having unprotected sex but hey ho 🙄🙄
My advice would be to learn just to smile and brush off comments ASAP 😬 as soon as you’re pregnant people will say and ask absolutely anything that they want with no filters 😐😬

With my late DS, the reaction from one of my colleagues was "are you regretting it yet?". I found it very hard to forgive her for that,especially after we lost him.

I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and everyone's reactions have been very sweet. Except my boss who immediately asked if I was coming back after maternity leave and told me that his wife returned to work after three months, hint hint...

I was 20 when I announced my very much planned pregnancy and had nothing but congratulations. I think it just depends on 2 things, 1. how you announce it. I was so ecstatic there was no mistakening it was a happy thing, my sister however wasn't with her boyfriend for long and despite being older than me was unsure so when she did tell people they did ask if it was planned, if she wanted to keep it etc. 2. Some people almost panic when a younger woman gets pregnant and wants them to know that they don't have to settle down and have a baby if they don't want to. Obviously you also just get rude people.

And health professionals aren't being insulting, they're literally just doing their job and asking all the questions.

Hey, congratulations op! I got pregnant at 20 and had my son at 21, literally just after graduating from uni so it was a shock (he’s 2.5 now). Honestly, I kept my pregnancy a bit quiet and felt weirdly ashamed of it moths after family knew. I’ve realised later on this was due to my own insecurities rather than the majority of people. Some people will act weirdly because they can’t think past the age 30, married and 2-kids-2-years-apart narrative. Enjoy your pregnancy, own it. Your child will be an amazing addition to your life. Don’t let people make you think you’re missing out. You’re living your life your way and you’ll enjoy it- don’t let the narrow minded get you down.

The best advice I can give is amerce yourself in all the baby groups and make friends with fellow mums, whatever their age. All of my mum friends are 30-44 years old but they don’t treat me any differently because I’m a ‘young mum’, they’re now just my friends. Go in with an open mind because the nice/nasty people aren’t Sectioned by age, so just own being a young mum.

As for your office making inappropriate comments, just say, “don’t you think that’s a bit personal”, or laugh like a proper hyena and say nothing in response to their intrusive questions!!!

Please also don’t let health professionals treat you inferiorly because of your age. Unfortunately, there can be huge bias towards younger mothers (like there is towards older mothers). I was once accused of smoking in pregnancy even though I’ve never smoked!

Thankfully babies don't come out worrying about their parents ages and they aren't biased!

While I would have found it challenging in my early 20s, my mum had me at 20 and that was just normal for the time.

MrsMiddle that's a really good point, as with many things, it really does depend how you 'announce' the news, if you are it clear that you are happy then you probably get a totally different reaction, I have heard people announcing a pregnancy almost as though they are embarrassed ....

Congratulations! That's a great age to have children!! Not so long ago, my mother was considered old when she married at 22 and gave birth to her first (me) at 23. How quickly things change. Fyi, this was scotland in the 80s.

Pft it doesnt matter how you announce the news: to me that's blaming the wrong person.

People / society feel that they are perfectly allowed to comment on women's bodies whether it's about weight, clothes, make up, food, alcohol, weights at the gym and sadly it doesn't stop at pregnancy. People are gonna comment on how much weight we have put on in pregnancy (happened to my sister in law) like it's any of their business. Strangers at the bus stop are going to pro-offer 'helpful hints' about how to raise our children in a way that our husbands/partners are not going to have to deal with. Truth is women's bodies are seen as public property and comment is free. I cant tell you the amount of people who told me my clock was ticking / dont you want to settle down /nows a good time to make babies, Before I got pregnant (I'm now 33). Colleagues, family, strangers, everyone.

The colleagues who said those things were out of line and should have just said 'congratulations': you did nothing wrong.

I was 24, my then dp was 26, we'd been together 5 years and both working, living together etc and I still got "I take it that it wasn't planned" from one friend and "But you've just started a new job!" from a family member.

The friend apologised after and said it was just because he and his gf who were the same age as us weren't thinking of having kids anytime soon, so he'd made the assumption we weren't either.

People just don't think before they speak sometimes and also I think there's a lot of projection. People might think back to being 20, for e.g. and think that they wouldn't have been ready for a baby then, forgetting it's not about them and we're all different!

I'm now 36 and pregnant with my new fiancé. I genuinely don't think there's such as thing as the perfect time to have a baby and everyone's journey to parenthood (or not) is so different that it's impossible to compare.

Haha well people were delighted for me, I got loads of hugs and screams and congratulations...........quickly followed by was it planned???? I've always been quite upfront about not wanting children so I think most people were really surprised! And no, it wasn't planned haha.

Many congrats OP, people are so bloody weird at times, my mum told me I was too old when I told her I was pregnant with first DS, I was 28! married, we had our own home etc. Don’t listen to ridiculous comments, look after yourself and good luck.

Oh I've had all sorts and I was nearly thirty and had been married for a few years.

Try not to take it to heart. They're probably (wrongly) thinking they're being supportive.

Ignore them OP people can be a funny bunch of f*ckers! Congratulations ❤️