Pregnant after late miscarriage or still birth support thread

[lillg]

I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm so excited, but that's mixed with anxiety and dread. I had a miscarriage at 20 weeks on Xmas Eve. (as well as 2 previous early miscarriages). I'm going to panic over every little thing.
I have the most fantastic support from the berivement midwife but though it would be nice to build a group for mutual support here, where we can all share our completely over the top and probably irrational worries.
There seems to be lots of threads about pregnancy after miscarriage, but they seem to be dominated by people who had early miscarriages and, whilst still awful, will have a different impact on emotional state and worries during pregnancy.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run.

So sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking 💔

I'm not currently pregnant or planning to get pregnant but I did have a late miscarriage at 20 weeks. That was 5 years ago.

Giving birth to a fully formed baby and knowing they would not survive was the worst day of my life.

When I got pregnant again, a few months later, I was an absolute nervous wreck. I don't think I calmed down until I got to 38 weeks when I was induced. I was getting scans every 2 weeks, some at the hospital and some privately. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy at all. I don't think I bought any baby things till I was 35 weeks gone! I was put on bed rest too at home until I hit 32 weeks so the days really dragged on. It was a horrible and anxious time. I have no fond memories of being pregnant after my loss.

If it gives you hope, my subsequent pregnancies (including the one I talk about above) had positive outcomes and I now have 2 happy and healthy DC.

I've also had an early miscarriage at 9 weeks, which to be honest, barely even registers. Plenty of women have early miscarriages but a small group of us will go on to experience far more pain and sadness.

Sorry for your losses @lillg and @nc8765. I also lost a baby at 20 weeks last June. I am now 30 weeks pregnant, I felt the same as you when I found out, and as @nc8765 said, I don’t think I will relax until I am induced and the baby is here safe and well. I think if you have suffered a loss such as we have, where you have gone through labour, and spent time with your baby (if that was what you chose to do), then pregnancy after that is something that you have to just get through in the best way you can, taking it day by day when you need to. One of the hardest things for me has been people telling me I need to “enjoy” this pregnancy, it really winds me up as whilst I have good days and bad days, it just isn’t possible for me to enjoy it, and I don’t see why I should have the pressure of feeling like I do have to enjoy it aswell as everything else!

@nc8765 thanks. It is really comforting to hear others struggle like I am, makes me feel less alone. Sorry for your losses, I'm glad you've also managed to have two happy kids.
I'm petrified of telling anyone about my pregnancy this time. It was the hardest thing in the world repeatedly telling people I had lost the baby. Working from home and knowing the first thing everyone was going to say to me was how was your Christmas (I was back working full time on 4th Jan, 10 days after the misscarage), and then working out the appropriate way to respond at the start of a professional group meeting without totally breaking down was nearly impossible.
I feel exactly the same as you did about buying anything. I don't want to get my hopes up or curse it.
When did you tell people you were pregnant again? Did you keep it to a few select people?
Because of both the early and late miscarriages I am having scans every 2 weeks, which is a huge comfort. Although waiting until the 29th for the first one is going to feel like forever. Did your healthy pregnancies feel any different to your loss? I have no symptoms this time other than feeling lightheaded if I stand up too fast.

@notinthestars congratulations on you pregnancy! I think that's why I don't want to tell anyone for as long a possible, it's so personal and not something you can truly understand unless you've been through it. Plus my parent would be worried sick daily.

Did you enjoy the pregnancy before your miscarriage? I didn't. I felt so ill and tired constantly, bled quite frequently and never felt a bond with the baby. I was then annoyed at my self as kept thinking this is what I wanted, why can't I enjoy it and be happy.

How are both of your partner's coping? I can tell my husband is worried sick about me.

Hi @lillg, @nc8765 and @notinthestarsigns, I'm so sorry for all your losses 💐

I lost my first baby at 23 weeks at the beginning of February. It was and is horrendous.
I'm currently pregnant again, 7+5. My anxiety is sky high. I feel like I can no longer find any comfort or hope in statistics, and I think that every possible bad thing that could happen, no matter how 'rare', will. I can't relax at all and am just continuously worrying about every single thing. It feels unsustainable.

I feel like I could have written this. My last baby was born asleep at 17 weeks almost a year ago. Currently almost 15 weeks pregnant and it feels like such a rollercoaster. Terrified to tell people, terrified to buy too many things, terrified to make future plans. Every conversation is ‘if we get to December…’ ‘if we have the baby…’ and now in this pregnancy I have all sorts of health complaints and it feels torturous. The thought of the same thing happening again is literally crippling. My 12 week scan was fine but it’s 6 weeks or so until the next one so it’s 6 weeks of convincing myself it’s going to be bad news or that history will repeat. Yet at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to book a private scan and put myself through more torture. It’s literally exhausting. On top of already being bloody exhausted 😵‍💫

@lavenderlilaclily and @ameteurmum Welcome! Sorry for your losses and congratulations on your pregnancies!

I'm only 6 weeks (probably less as I have long cycles and think I ovulate late). Currently worried that I feel well because I have no symptoms. Not that I want symptoms as I would worry about them too. I know what you mean about it feeling unsustainable. Hopefully this group is somewhere were can let off some steam without thinking how it will be perceived by everyone else. I also know exactly what you mean about saying "if" rather than "when". It's like I'm trying to protect myself emotionally, but we all know you can't protect yourself from that kind of grief however hard you try.

Did you both get good aftercare following your loss? I had a postmortem and what they call a teardrop appointment. They've put all sorts of things in place for me including scans every two weeks to minimize the risk of anything happening ava n. Into seriously considering taking up the offer of 6 zoom counselling sessions, but wondered if anyone else had done it and if it was helpful?

@lillg - I had access to a bereavement midwife but if I’m honest I didn’t really utilise her enough and did the classic down playing of it all. I already have two living children so I felt like I had to get on with things for their sake so I’ve just kept calm and carried on but I probably can’t run away from it forever! We had a post mortem and I had a million blood tests but it was concluded as ‘just one of those things’ the consultant at the time said I could have an early scan next time but I didn’t persue it. As it goes now I’ll be having lots of appointments and extra scans so hopefully that will offer me some reassurance when the time comes. It’s nice to chat to people that have been through the same experience because you just ‘get’ it all in a way that others don’t xxx

@lillg, it’s completely understandable about not wanting to tell people. I shared with close family and friends after 12 weeks and wider family and a few more friends after 20 weeks. I haven’t shared anything on social media, and won’t do so until the baby is here. I found people’s reactions difficult earlier on, and felt like when I told people they were so happy for us almost like they thought another baby is a happy ending and would make everything better, which is not how I felt/feel at all, and I felt like it wasn’t acknowledging our first baby and how big a part of our lives he will always be. Although I won’t relax until they are here, I’m certainly not as bad now as I was earlier in the pregnancy. Earlier on I had awful vivid dreams and just going back to the maternity unit for the early scans had me in a terrible panic. The 20 week scan was particularly difficult to. I am having regular growth scans now and whilst I don’t get quite as bad, I still breath a big sigh of relief every time I hear the heartbeat and don’t think I will ever take that for granted. I have tried to see this pregnancy in stages and just tried to get to each stage, ie, each appt, each scan. I finish for Mat leave 3 weeks today so that is my next stage to try and get to! It is so hard though, I think you do feel very isolated because most people don’t “get it”. I still get asked all the time if I’m excited, and I just can’t be, maybe that is sad but it’s just the way it is for me, and I’ve come to terms with that, I just wish others would!

@ameteurmum sounds similar to what happened with me. But because of my early miscarriages they are doing early scans as well as regular second trimester scans. I know what you mean about just getting on with it. I probably should have taken longer off work.

@motinthestarsigns glad to hear it gets a little easier but as you say I'm sure it will be difficult until you actually give birth. I'm not big on social media and didn't "announce" my last pregnancy, but I did put a post up about my miscarriage. I found it better to just make sure everyone knew rather than facing the conversation 100 times. I think I stress about what other people think and are feeling too much. We do all need to concentrate on ourselves sometimes.

So today I started bleeding very lightly and I've been having cramps for days now. I'm not sure I can do 9 months of this stress!

I have very very recently had a miscarriage at 17 + 1 weeks. To say that it was the most traumatic experience of my life is an understatement.

The reason i am commenting on this post is because i am desperate to have another baby. I feel so empty now i am not pregnant. I feel like if i tried for another baby now it would take my mind off the grief i am feeling. Is it wrong to do that though?

How long did people wait before trying again?

@Slops1990 - I felt exactly the same but I waited until I had had all of my follow up blood tests and appointment with the consultant before I considered it (not sure if it’s different from place to place but I had a lot of tests/appointments after)

I am currently pregnant and whilst it’s a lovely focus it hasn’t taken away from what happened and if anything has made me worry/detach because I’m now aware that pregnancy doesn’t always equal baby. I think you will know when you feel ready but pregnancy after a loss is hard work. Not trying to be negative just honest in my experience. The longer I am pregnant this time the more guilt I feel over what happened before and I struggle with the fact that this baby wouldn’t exist if my last one hadn’t died and that feels so weird to wrap my head around. Just thinking out loud

Go easy on yourself in this season, grief is hard work xxxx

@Slops1990

I have very very recently had a miscarriage at 17 + 1 weeks. To say that it was the most traumatic experience of my life is an understatement.

The reason i am commenting on this post is because i am desperate to have another baby. I feel so empty now i am not pregnant. I feel like if i tried for another baby now it would take my mind off the grief i am feeling. Is it wrong to do that though?

How long did people wait before trying again?

So sorry for your loss @slops1990. You're right it's horrific. There's no right or wrong way to feel about it. I felt similar to you, desperate to be pregnant again as if by doing so it almost makes all this heartache worth it. But @ameteurmum is right - being pregnant again is really difficult. The worry over every little thing is exhausting. So don't underestimate the support you will need. I waited 4 months before I started trying again. 3 months until I got the postmodern results back and then one month as I got diagnosed with skin cancer and was having treatment for that. (Fell my first month of trying having been trying unsuccessfully for 3 years before that!) Have you got support from the hospital? They should be able to talk you though the pros and cons and also provide you with counselling if you need it to work through the experience. On a positive note I'm now nearly 16 weeks and this pregnancy and baby feel completely different to my last. I feel so much better in myself and have bonded with the baby more than I ever did with the baby I lost, because all I could focus on last time is how ill I had been feeling continuously for 5 months. Make sure you look after yourself and don't make any rash decisions while you're grieving, give yourself time and permission to change your mind about anything you think right now!

@lillg i hope you had a healthy pregnancy x

I did thanks. Now have a happy healthy 6 month old.

Aww thank you so much for sharing the good news I hope and pray I am the same as you as well! I am so happy for you 💖 @lillg

Thank you. I'm sure you will be. Good luck with it all, I hope you can relax and enjoy the pregnancy a little.

I just got an alert to say this thread was updated! Congratulations on your baby @lillg! my daughter is 8 months old now and 100% worth the 9 months of torture leading up to her arrival even though it felt impossible at the time! X

Aww @Ameteurmum so lovely to hear as well wow how amazing is that!! Congratulations to you both gives me so much so much hope after my loss thank you both for the updates!

Hi @lillg and @Ameteurmum I am finally pregnant, 8 weeks now but so happy and anxious but your stories inspire me everyday thank you for sharing I held on to this hope and 6 months after loss I got pregnant again xx

Congratulations @Daisy155, take every day as it comes and try to enjoy it all even though sometimes it may feel impossible ❤️

aww thank you so much for your kind words @Ameteurmum I hope to one day update you that the baby made it and I am holding them in my arms alive and well 💕

What fantastic news - congratulations!
Feel free to post on here if you're struggling during it. I'm not going to lie it's a long and stressful 9 months but worth every second!

I accidentally ended up on this thread and so so happy to see that both of you @lillg and @Ameteurmum had good outcomes!
I only had early losses but they ruined me beyond repair, don't even want to imagine how traumatising it is when it happens later 😔
20 weeks pregnant now and still scared to announce! I would love support from people but also, some people were rubbish with m/c and I'm scared of negative comments such as 'well, let's just wait and see what happens with this one, etc', just couldn't handle them!