Pregnant after miscarriage and so anxious

[violetfern]

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant after an early second trimester mmc in March and I’m just finding it so so tough. I had awful sickness with both my previously pregnancies and have minimal symptoms this time. Every day I’m torn whether to get an early scan, as deep down I feel that there’s something wrong, but I don’t think I can face knowing if there is. I know that I should be enjoying being pregnant regardless but I just can’t and it’s just mentally draining. I feel as though I’m just waiting for the inevitable bad news. Not sure what answers I’m expecting but noone in real life seems to understand, and keep telling me to be positive.

[Psmith83]

in, not bin....

[violetfern]

Just catching up, it’s comforting (although heartbreaking) knowing that there are so many of us in the same boat. You are the only people who understand what it’s like.

I bit the bullet and have just had an early scan, I just wanted to know what was happening regardless. I got there and it was the same sonographer who had to tell me if had a MMC last time so I was in tears before I even got on the couch!

Luckily, for now, all is ok and baby has heartbeat and measuring at right gestation for dates. I know it doesn’t mean things will be ok but for now I feel better.

Thank you all so much, and I am wishing for rainbow babies for everyone xx

[A1b2c3d4e5f6g7]

@violetfern ah that's amazing congrats on your scan!

[Psmith83]

@violetfern that is brilliant news! The odds of you carrying to term are really good after a heartbeat is seen. Congratulations!!

[ButtercupBlue]

That's fantastic news @violetfern I'm so pleased for you.

[violetfern]

Thanks all so much

@Psmith83 I hope everything works out for you, that sounds such a rough ride you’ve had. I think ‘I’m pregnant today’ is such a helpful and positive mindset to be in, and you know what, it’s also true! I’m going to take that going forwards xx

[Psmith83]

Thanks @violetfern.
I went on to the Headspace site yesterday and looked at their 'pregnancy pack' meditation package that helps you 'bond with your baby' and I felt so much longing- I want to be able to do that but I don't feel able to even think about that yet. I promised myself I'll let myself get that after the first trimester. Until then it feel safe to visualise what is happening in my womb- spine forming, heart chambers, heart beat, cells dividing. And I've booked myself in for a lovely spa day next weekend with a friend- just getting a pedicure and hopefully some lounging and giggling. I am telling myself that even though I don't feel confident 'bonding' with the baby (it feels hard to even call it that at this stage) I want to do everything I can to look after my body and give it the best chance of sticking. Send it lots of oxytocin. I'm also trying to figure out how to squeeze in a swim or two a week in between my childcare and work schedule and trying to figure out if I can find time/money for a half hour massage every week. I was reading a book about how great oxytocin is and I want to do everything I can to a) look after myself and b) reduce my anxiety c) if not enjoy this part of pregnancy, at least want to make some opportunities for care and pleasure

[Slk3558]

@Applecrumble24 what you said resonates with me, I’m 5+4 after 2 mc and everyday I wake up I assess my boob soreness and how nauseous I feel compared to the day before. If I feel less nauseous or sore that’s it I’m convinced it’s the beginning of the end. Feeling symptoms definitely reduces the anxiety. Time is going so slow.

That’s the sad thing, it would be nice to say I’m pregnant - I’m going to be a mother, but it’s more like I’m pregnant now, but for how long?

I hate being so negative but I don’t think I’ll feel any sense of relief, maybe a bit if I get to a heart beat. (Never got to a hb before)

[Gemster19]

So glad to have found this thread. Currently 4+1 after MC in June 2019 and not even a squinter ever since. As it's been so long I don't usually even test, only did this month as I was booked onto a hot yoga class and thought I should double check! Didn't even tell DP for 3 days as I just couldn't believe it - I feel so incredibly lucky but absolutely bl**dy terrified. The constant knicker checking is exhausting already, I know it's not really an indicator but I'm hoping to have symptoms so bad I feel like I've been hit by a truck ASAP, at least then I'll feel like less like I've imagined it!

[Applecrumble24]

@Slk3558
We just have to take it 1 day at a time, every day is one step safer that's how I think of it.
My scan was good, heartbeat seen, for now 💓

[Peach01]

It's hard not to worry.
I fell pregnant a few months after MC. I had a couple of bleeds early but I was so together and matter of fact about it. I remember having a bad bleed early hours, I put the details into the Ovia app and it came up red to phone the hospital. I said to myself "put a pad on, go back to sleep and only worry if there's still blood". No bleed when I got back up. Everything was fine, baby is absolutely perfect and adorable.

I'm pregnant again and I've had that feeling like something's wrong a few times and I'm constantly checking for bleeds every time I go to the toilet or I'm always looking down when I'm fully clothed to make sure.
Like you my symptoms are sporadic but last time they were constant.
Now I'm remembering always being worried last time too, but I was so rational about when to start panicking. I think that's just how my brain dealt with it because the physical side was the most traumatic part for me. People don't really understand that and think you're not as affected.
I don't think I would be as rational this time.

[Dolly0706]

Has anyone had a mc after seeing a heartbeat on early scan? I had an early scan at 7 weeks, heartbeat was there and all looked good l. I’m now 9 weeks and feel like my symptoms of tiredness and nausea have suddenly gone and I’m so unbelievably anxious somethings wrong :(

[ButtercupBlue]

@Dolly0706

Has anyone had a mc after seeing a heartbeat on early scan? I had an early scan at 7 weeks, heartbeat was there and all looked good l. I’m now 9 weeks and feel like my symptoms of tiredness and nausea have suddenly gone and I’m so unbelievably anxious somethings wrong :(

Congratulations on your early scan.

Symptoms can come and go and do tend to ease off a bit towards the end of first trimester. I had a similar thing happen in my 2nd pregnancy and convinced myself it was all over but my son is 11 now!

Otoh, in my most recent pregnancy I did most of my symptoms disappear at 8 weeks on the dot and a later scan found baby had stopped developing at 8w4d. So I've had both outcomes.

Of my 5 miscarriages, two I never saw a heartbeat and the other 3 I saw a heartbeat at 6/7 weeks it had stopped by my next scan.

I hope everything works out for you.

[Psmith83]

@Gemster19 congratulations, 2019 is a long wait for a BFP, I know what you mean about the exhausting knicker checking and hoping for symptoms. I'm at the stage where I know I will do those behaviours, I know they won't make any difference, but I also want to just be like, 'yup, this is how I do early pregnancy.'
@Peach01 totally get all of that especially the thing about shifting reactions. I think one of the things that has surprised me about this pregnancy is not only is every pregnancy different, but I am different with every pregnancy (sorry for the Jedi mumbo jumbo) like, it really depends where I am in life generally as to how I react to blood or symptoms. I'm trying to really stay present for how I am reacting to things right now, sometimes it feels like I have choice (like I can talk myself down or breathe or find some zen) but sometimes I am just in the thick of it all and I can't find my way out of the storm.
@Dolly0706 That's great that you've seen a heartbeat. I think the word 'symptom' is such a useless word for what we go through in pregnancy. Just cause symptom is supposed to mean something- it's supposed to be some info or a clue- and so often the physical sensations actually don't tell us anything. The hard part is not knowing and not being able to see and having to wait. It is so hard. SO HARD

Its so hard dealing with my compulsion and obsession and having to sit patiently and wait and not know and to want something so badly and to have no control over whether it sticks or stays or the course of things. I am so good at running things everywhere else in my life. and pregnancy, especially early pregnancy is torture because there is so little to do other than wait and try to hope.