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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Dating a new man in pregnancy

32 replies

earlytwentiesmama · 10/06/2021 19:25

Hi everyone,

I hope you are well. I'm just looking for some advice or opinions.

I'm 6 months pregnant now with a little girl and have been on my own with it since conception. I slept with my ex once (bad mistake) and this happened. I am overjoyed and feel extremely lucky to be having her regardless.

However in recent weeks I have met a man at work (he 10 years older). He showed interest in me, perused me on social media and asked me out on a date. We have seen each other a lot since. He's lovely, gentle, kind, doesn't ignore the situation but isn't over the top. Has offered bits of help here and there when I have been worried about something. If I wasn't pregnant I would be really hoping it would lead somewhere.

I have asked him about what he's going to feel in 3 months when the baby is here and he says he wants to be here for me and still wants to see me, with her and is willing to come over etc but I'm very doubtful on the future as can't imagine why a man would want this with a child that isn't his.

Part of me thinks ending it all now would stop any heartbreaks on top of dealing with a newborn alone. She will always always be top priority and I feel if I'm hurting she won't get my best. But equally it could turn out lovely? Has anyone had a similar experience or could just give me an honest point of view.

OP posts:

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 10/06/2021 19:31

Two things:

be really wary. There are men who deliberately prey on women in vulnerable situations, like single, pregnant women. The fact the he is significantly older than you is pinging my red-flag radar. If you see any signs of him being controlling or less than overall respectful, I would be ready to end it.
some people here will just say "yeuch" at the idea of you dating and having sex during pregnancy. You can ignore those people. But just so you are warned.

In all honesty, you are unlikely to be much into negotiating things with a new boyfriend in a few months. This is unlikely to be a great long term thing. Not impossible, but unlikely. I would take it very very slow, don't rely on him for anything because it would be very easy to end up feeling like you "need" him during a vulnerable time, and be very alert for signs he isn't on the level. Sorry, but too many vile creatures crawl out of the woodwork when a woman is vulnerable. And they don't look like the pond scum they are at first.

CirqueDeMorgue · 10/06/2021 19:35

Agree with pp, take it really slowly. I don't think a 10 year age gap is significant though unless you are a teenager.

Mountaingoatling · 10/06/2021 19:40

Does he have kids? He may see the baby as a positive thing and in a very natural way if he hasn't had the chance to have kids.

Is he well regarded at work? What do people say about him?

My friend was in a similar situation. Her son calls her now husband Dad and they're an adorable family.

Of course you're wary but good men exist and maybe you just found one!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 10/06/2021 19:43

I think you should be focusing on your baby and that relationship rather than thinking about a new boyfriend at the moment tbh
I can't imagine how anyone could maintain a new relationship with a newborn. It would either fall apart very quickly or become a pseudo coparenting relationship far too quickly which would be risky for you and the baby.

CtrlU · 10/06/2021 19:43

Have you asked him what it is that he likes about you?

And I mean that in the nicest way. May be his answer will give you some inkling what his looking for?

Chelyanne · 10/06/2021 20:01

If you like him then tell him you want to keep things quite casual and take it very slow. If he really likes you too he will be happy to do this.
Plenty of men enter relationships with single mothers and make great partners/father figures. I wouldn't just end it out of fear but also not have high expectations of it all being perfect and fairytale like.

inmyslippers · 10/06/2021 20:02

How long has he known you for?

Greenmarmalade · 10/06/2021 20:05

Sounds too risky. You need a level head here as it’s going to be a very emotional time having the baby and for the first few months.

Tell him you’ll go out for dinner in the future.

The going after you over social media seems really creepy. He could be going after your vulnerability more than anything.

Youarewithme · 10/06/2021 21:28

Did he know you were pregnant when you met? Do you have a good support network of friends/ family? Your username suggests you are early 20's so he'd be early 30's? Does he have children? I'd be very wary OP but that's not to say it can't work out, have you asked those close to you who know the situation what they think?

MindTheBumps · 10/06/2021 21:32

I agree with others take it very slowly.

I know people who have met their new partner when they had a very young baby and it worked out great and they were together ten years and he still sees the child but equally I know a guy who seems to have a pregnancy fetish and either dates pregnant women or gets women pregnant very quickly and moves on soon after the baby is born.

There is no way to know his motives so just date slowly and get to know him really well.

Original poster

earlytwentiesmama · 10/06/2021 23:14

Thankyou so so much everyone for your honesty and opinions I have really appreciated them.

So basically in answer to some of the questions:

I'm 23 he is 34, no children of his own and had been in a long term relationship but that ended a year ago.

He's got a great reputation at work, known as being super lovely and kind to everyone, gets on with them all and very genuine.

I asked him why on earth he would talk to me out of all people, he's great looking and his response was that he initially found me really attractive and then after talking to me just really enjoyed my company. He said he knows that I won't change as a person when she's here but my priorities will and he's wanting to spend time with me and her.

All very confusing as this is my first baby so I have no idea how I'll be feeling then, I could be an emotional wreck or more than happy to have some company as I'm completely alone in other respects.

From reading this thread it's just highlighted how slow I really do need to take it. Not going to get too involved too quickly or started looking ahead to the future with him. Because my future will always be with my daughter. We have slept together (sorry to everyone who finds that awful) I appreciate it's not for everyone. But it wasn't forceful at all and he made a real effort to make me feel comfortable. Maybe he is genuinely wanting something maybe not. Slow and steady I guess!x

OP posts:

Namechange1067949 · 10/06/2021 23:25

Op I’ve never even thought to describe sex with a partner as ‘wasn’t forceful at all’

And I’ve never asked a man why he spoke to me of all people
(And believe me I’m certainly not the most attractive of women out there)

And this tells me your boundaries and self esteem are not where they should be.

Add in his age and your pregnancy and I just want to take you away from him and keep you safe.
Please don’t come to rely on him Any time soon, or allow him to control you in any way

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 10/06/2021 23:30

I don't think a 10 year age gap is significant though unless you are a teenager

In these circumstances, I do think a gap of 23 to 34 is significant. Especially with what PP picked up about OP's poor self esteem and boundaries.

It is possible this guy is on the level. But I'm side-eyeing him really, really hard right now.

Youarewithme · 10/06/2021 23:47

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders in regards to knowing you may feel differently after your baby is born. And you shouldn't face any judgement from anyone for having slept with him whilst pregnant (although using condoms now is more important than ever!) but in 3 months you may be bleeding, exhausted, stuck on the sofa or bed feeding constantly for months- and I say that as someone who formula fed both children from birth. It can put a strain on the strongest of long standing relationships where both partners are parents, never mind a new relationship! Both my babies were fairly good sleepers but for the first 6 months my DH and I were constantly either with them in the living room or in bed and on call if they woke up. For both the settling to sleep and wake ups went on in dips and highs until they were over 18mths. I'd wonder why a new man would be interested in that, does he know that may be the case if he doesn't have children? You do have to consider also whether he would be safe to be around your baby? There are predators out there, they may be in the minority but they exist.

Greenmarmalade · 11/06/2021 00:25

I just think no. The more I think about it- definite no.

If he’s the one, he’ll wait and take it slowly. A sexual relationship after a few weeks, when you’re heavily pregnant seems too fast when you’re not sure about things.

lotstolose1 · 11/06/2021 01:03

I wouldn't completely ditch him at all, he does sound a genuinely nice bloke to me. I would straight up ask him what he wants.

If he does want to continue seeing him just make sure your not depending on him. As you say he has no kids at all and he doesn't know how it is having a baby. Especially a partner with a baby that's not his.

Plenty of people get in this situation and it works out really well. Just be careful and confident

Rubyrecka · 11/06/2021 08:07

I dunno. I think it's weird? Sorry OP that's not aimed at you but I'm not sure what his motive is and I feel like there's one which maybe your unaware of.

romdowa · 11/06/2021 08:12

Agree with other pp, there is no harm in taking things slowly and seeing where this goes but do it with eyes wide open. I know plenty people who met while pregnant or with a young baby and in some cases it worked, others it didn't but It's worth a try.

FelicityPike · 11/06/2021 09:07

Adding that there are guys out there who have pregnancy fetishes. Not to judge anyone...but eww.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/06/2021 09:17

@Namechange1067949

Op I’ve never even thought to describe sex with a partner as ‘wasn’t forceful at all’

And I’ve never asked a man why he spoke to me of all people
(And believe me I’m certainly not the most attractive of women out there)

And this tells me your boundaries and self esteem are not where they should be.

Add in his age and your pregnancy and I just want to take you away from him and keep you safe.
Please don’t come to rely on him Any time soon, or allow him to control you in any way

All of this.

God, OP, I feel sad reading your posts.

You are absolutely deserving of a good relationship. But you are at a vulnerable point in your life. For now, focus on you, your baby and the plans you need to make now to support you both.

Park this relationship entirely, until after you have the baby, at the very earliest.

Worriesome · 11/06/2021 09:33

My advice is try and go it alone when baby is born. Don’t pin your hopes on this man abs I’d be reluctant to accept help with the baby from him. You don’t want to feel like you owe him for the help and you also don’t want the baby getting used to him from birth only for you both to split up down the line. Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy your baby x

Namechangegardens · 11/06/2021 16:34

Sorry, but I would be questioning the motives of any man wanting and pursuing a relationship with a pregnant woman. Unless you know and trust him very well, however I get the impression you don't really know him. In which case I don't like it.

SillyBry · 11/06/2021 16:50

I don't think you need to pack the relationship in by any stretch.
He sounds genuine from what you've said about him - I would just be cautious about expecting it to be serious/falling into a co-parenting relationship when baby is born. It's tough going in the early months with someone you know well, let alone a new relationship.
I would try and explain to him that you want to keep "dating" rather than feeling like he needs to be dad and an equal... mainly because dating is the fun bit and you risk it getting serious - and then sour - by moving too fast.

Trust your instincts - but at the end of the day, you and baby are number 1 :-)

ArabellaStrange · 11/06/2021 16:59

I would be telling him that now is not the right time for starting a relationship.
If he is serious in his intentions, he can wait while you adapt to having another human entirely dependent on you to have their needs fufilled.
Personal experience has shown me that this situation can be super weird and challenging.

Pewpew · 11/06/2021 17:07

I’m not saying this is true in your case, but some men find pregnant women a real turn on.

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