I think I fucked up really badly (Binging, x-ray, now I'm pregnant)

[TerrasaurusRex]

Hello all.

I'm quite worried that I have really fucked up.

I found out this morning that I am pregnant. I'm not sure how long exactly but at a guess I'm thinking my last period was around the 7th of May. That would make be about 2/3 weeks gone but honestly I have no idea because I never track these things, and I haven't exactly been trying. I had sex once last month so I guess I hit the bullseye with my husband.

Cut a long story short, I've been having really bad leg pain and haven't been able to walk for 2 months without my groin aching. About two weeks ago it got so bad that I started drinking every night just to take the pain away. And then MORE at the weekend. I went to see a physio. Got an x-ray done on advice of the physiotherapist. Drank more booze. And it's a lot. Bank holiday Monday I drank nearly a 700ml vodka by myself plus two beers over an 8 hour period - I felt so ashamed of myself the next day. Every day I've had 3 or four drinks plus more at the weekends. This isn't normal behaviour for me - usually I don't touch a drop during the week but work's non existent (I work teaching privately and it's dried up due to COVID) so the past two weeks I've had loads of free time and due to no work and the pain had nothing holding me back really.

Fast forward to today. I've been expecting to come on this week and having nothing but cramps so decided to pee on a stick this morning.

Fuck.

I'm 38 years old and never been pregnant before. No children. And now I'm terrified that I've done some serious damage with regard to the volume of booze PLUS the X-ray, PLUS the fact that I'm at higher risk of DS and stuff like that due to my age.

To make things worse I live in Poland, abortions are completely illegal here anyway - even with foetal abnormalities - a ruling that happened recently, but also women's healthcare is really judgy and preachy.

I'm going to have to find a gyno who is willing to do all the scans (some of them won't even tell you there's anything wrong for religious reasons), and I don't know where to go to find one who isn't a religious nutbag, and will help me deliver a healthy baby.

I also have really bad anxiety issues, and the thought of pregnancy and all the stuff that can go wrong is terrifying/disgusting enough as it is.

To make things worse, l just finished seeing my psychologist YESTERDAY after 3 years and then today I get a positive pee stick test. So now I feel I have nothing to fall back on.

I just want to cry. I feel I've fucked this all up before I've started and there's nothing I can do. I don't necessarily want an abortion. I just want a healthy baby. My Polish is shit. I don't have any female friends I can turn to for advice. I don't have any family here apart from my husband - who I really love. I don't know how they system works, and on top of all that I think I might have damaged the poor kid's chances before it stopped being a sack of cells.

How shit am I, how much have I potentially damaged my child and how much do I need to start panicking? I'm on the brink of tears.

Btw I REALLY hope that doesn't come across as saying, if you have a miscarriage, it'll be your fault! They're very common. All the treatment I had only increased the chance by a couple of % - and that was WAY more that you've had.

What I'm saying is, if I understand the process correctly, the only effect you can have caused is a very slight increase in the miscarriage risk. You can't have caused birth defects.

I drank way too much before finding out I was pregnant. I also went in a hot tub and on a rollercoaster. I found out I was pregnant about 5 weeks along and stopped drinking. I’m now holding my lovely healthy 9 day old baby. I haven’t read all the replies but could you fly back to the UK (assuming you’re British/NI) for pregnancy/birth etc.? It might put you at ease a bit more. Congratulations on the pregnancy, hope it all goes well 😊

With my anxiety I find it helps to remind myself that I’m an average person.
Anxiety tells me I’m going to die in childbirth- how many women actually die in childbirth? Seriously/ look it up! I am an average women - average women have average pregnancy and healthy baby! I am not the rare exception!
My anxiety tells me ‘but your great grandma died in childbirth’ - engage brain - yea but that was in 1925 and she had twins which they didn’t have the medical advancement to cope with!
I’m not saying it’s EASY to talk yourself down, but remembering that you are ‘most women’ really helps. Your anxiety wants you to think you are special - different- the exception to the rule. You aren’t (and I mean that in the best way!)
Whatever you decide - you are not the first woman to ever done these things. You are not the first woman to have ever had unprotected sex and then expected a pregnancy. You are not the first woman to worry about labour. You are not first woman to want or have an abortion.Please please contact your therapist as it sounds like you had a really good relationship with them. Xx

Ultimately you make the best choices you can with the information available to you.

The chances the baby has been harmed is very low.

Any chance your psyc can take you back on even if for some getting your head round it sessions?

Hello, everyone. Taking the advice from today I contacted the therapist yesterday.

She is on holiday all next week so the earliest she can see me is Tuesday 22nd! I guess it's just bad timing all round!

My package has been dispatched (after online consult being checked by a doctor) and they tell me it should arrive in 7-20 days which is obviously a long time away for somone as anxious as me. Having said that it gives me time to try and think a little rationally.

I am aware that using the delivery is still just an option, and I want to talk things through before I make a decision I regret. I need to weigh everything up but I'm aware right now it's a case of "what will be the least shit option".

I met a lovely mumsnetter yesterday who had contacted me, she gently pushed me in the direction of a scan "just in case" of eptopic pregnancy. I have private medical, but not many English speaking doctors and the only one available with any urgency has really crap reviews.. All the others are like a 2 or three week wait.

So I did a bit of dighing and found a nlig in English saying that in Poland pregnant women have rights to choose their gynecologist, midwife AND hospital through the NHS eqivelent .... So rights are great. But the literature is really inaccessible (for Poles, let alone foreigners).

So, for foreigners like me there is ZERO information about how to go about doing this. The NHS is great in this regard because they have big friendly letters outlining exactly what to do. In Poland its just walls of tiny intimidating text.

So I contacted a gynecologist acquaintance yesterday. Shes the only person I can think of that knows how the system works asking for advice about what to do. My husband also messaged her a few days ago but she hasn't been back in contact since Wednesday (I contacted her today saying exactly what's up) and all I've got is radio silence so I don't know- maybe she's just not interested. So right now this is my biggest hurdle.

In the meantime... I feel exhausted. And fucking hell I feel so nauseous all the time (worse in the afternoon and night). I spent half an hour staring at the toilet yesterday and I really thought I was going to yack up the two slices of pizza I managed to eat all day, but instead I just felt sick all night.

Had a good cry and managed to nod off by about 1am only to wake up at 5 with the bedsheets dripping in sweat again. I can only assume this will get worse before it gets better.

Haven't cried today so that's a bonus. I guess I know my package is on the way so I know that there are options and it calms me down, but, what a headfuck.

My husband as ever is still being lovely. He tells me "whatever happens, everything will be ok" and that he loves me, and he'll always be there no matter what. He also says he "feels responsible for doing this to me". Its not his fault. Its not anyone's fault.

I dont believe in God but if I did I'd say I'd feel blessed to have him. I honestly lucked out.

I'm really sad that I have no one else (like family) I trust enough to talk to about this.

At least I ain't cried today. However, the constant crying seems to have been replaced by a constant low level nausea and womb cramps instead.

With the exhaustion and symptoms.. I swear it feels like I had too much vodka last night and a really spicy curry... except without ANY of the fun. I feel hungover without the alcohol.

I'm trying to stay as pro active as possible so I guess I can be proud of myself for that.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed another wall of text again.

Hope not too many typos as phone autocorrect is shite.

How are you doing now OP?

Hiya..

I'm doing OK. Bit sad, but it is what it is.

Got pills sent quite quickly and in the end took them without seeing councillor and saw her after. I was becoming more and more unhinged and psychotic and had a black out where In don't remember what happened buy woke up with a massive scratch down my leg and my husband says that I scratched myself.

I remember biting him on his hand because I was screaming at the top of my voice and he tried to put his hand over my mouth cuz he was worried the police would come. Apparently I was shouting that they're going to take me away and tie me to a bed.

I don't remember.

Clearly I have issues.

Anyway, I am no longer pregnant and much more stable. I went for a scan. There was a yolk sac but no foetus and the gynaecologist said that it was 50-50 miscarriage but she couldn't tell cuz there was nothing to see. I was a right fucking state and embarrassed myself. I couldn't be honest with her but I couldn't trust her. She aksed me some really intrusive questions like "Had I ever been sexually assaulted" (no), "if you have a husband why can't you be pregnant" (none of your business, love, don't TOUCH ME), "are you suicidal" (to which I wanted to say yes, but didn't because I was convinced they were going to put me in a straight jacket and lock me up). I thought they were intrusive questions, and didn't know what to say.

I'm sad because if there was better care for women like me, the situation might have been different. (foreigners, who don't know their rights, don't know the process, and can't trust that doctors are going to be honest about the health of the foetus because of the draconian laws - you just don't know who is safe and who has your best interests at heart... even if you can work out the convolutedly incomprehensible "explanations" of what is supposed to happen - I didn't want to wait for bad news because the process would have been so much more difficult)

Weirdly I've been thinking a lot about my grandma and how sad it is her genes won't live on. I don't really care about my dad, or my mum cuz they also played their part in all this so I'm quite angry with them (my dad in particular) about fucking me up so badly that motherhood is basically never going to be an option for me. I'm pissed of with the state for making it so difficult for women like me and making me feel unsafe and more vulnerable than I already am. Generally pissed off at the state of things.

I don't really blame myself because I know I had no other option really. It was quite clear that I had no support network.

So yea, it is what it is, and it's crap.

I went to see the councillor after the abortion and had it out, but tbh I I'm at peace. I really wish this all could have been different, but with my history and the way I was reacting and the very little professional help available it couldn't have been. I don't feel guilty, just annoyed because I feel like it was out of my control and I did what I had to do because it really was the only option.

I even reached out to an acquaintance who is a gyencolologist just to get some information about what I should be doing and was met with radio silence, and still haven't heard anything. "I'm pregnant, please help me with what I am supposed to do because I don't know, can we talk?!"

So yea. Sad, but currently enjoying the long summer evening with a glass of wine and a spag bol. What a pity, but it is what it is.