I think I fucked up really badly (Binging, x-ray, now I'm pregnant)

[TerrasaurusRex]

Hello all.

I'm quite worried that I have really fucked up.

I found out this morning that I am pregnant. I'm not sure how long exactly but at a guess I'm thinking my last period was around the 7th of May. That would make be about 2/3 weeks gone but honestly I have no idea because I never track these things, and I haven't exactly been trying. I had sex once last month so I guess I hit the bullseye with my husband.

Cut a long story short, I've been having really bad leg pain and haven't been able to walk for 2 months without my groin aching. About two weeks ago it got so bad that I started drinking every night just to take the pain away. And then MORE at the weekend. I went to see a physio. Got an x-ray done on advice of the physiotherapist. Drank more booze. And it's a lot. Bank holiday Monday I drank nearly a 700ml vodka by myself plus two beers over an 8 hour period - I felt so ashamed of myself the next day. Every day I've had 3 or four drinks plus more at the weekends. This isn't normal behaviour for me - usually I don't touch a drop during the week but work's non existent (I work teaching privately and it's dried up due to COVID) so the past two weeks I've had loads of free time and due to no work and the pain had nothing holding me back really.

Fast forward to today. I've been expecting to come on this week and having nothing but cramps so decided to pee on a stick this morning.

Fuck.

I'm 38 years old and never been pregnant before. No children. And now I'm terrified that I've done some serious damage with regard to the volume of booze PLUS the X-ray, PLUS the fact that I'm at higher risk of DS and stuff like that due to my age.

To make things worse I live in Poland, abortions are completely illegal here anyway - even with foetal abnormalities - a ruling that happened recently, but also women's healthcare is really judgy and preachy.

I'm going to have to find a gyno who is willing to do all the scans (some of them won't even tell you there's anything wrong for religious reasons), and I don't know where to go to find one who isn't a religious nutbag, and will help me deliver a healthy baby.

I also have really bad anxiety issues, and the thought of pregnancy and all the stuff that can go wrong is terrifying/disgusting enough as it is.

To make things worse, l just finished seeing my psychologist YESTERDAY after 3 years and then today I get a positive pee stick test. So now I feel I have nothing to fall back on.

I just want to cry. I feel I've fucked this all up before I've started and there's nothing I can do. I don't necessarily want an abortion. I just want a healthy baby. My Polish is shit. I don't have any female friends I can turn to for advice. I don't have any family here apart from my husband - who I really love. I don't know how they system works, and on top of all that I think I might have damaged the poor kid's chances before it stopped being a sack of cells.

How shit am I, how much have I potentially damaged my child and how much do I need to start panicking? I'm on the brink of tears.

Happy!*

I had quite a lot to drink before finding out I was pregnant! I also felt terribly guilty too.

I had a scan on Saturday when I was 10 and a half weeks and baby was healthy and happy! I’m having my NHS scan a week today.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, embrace the blessing and try your best not to worry (but I do of course know it’s very difficult). My anxiety is through the roof!

Good luck! X

Currently shitting bricks.

I keep going back to worse case scenarios, having mini panic attacks. I don't know what to do with myself. Shed a few tears. Trying to distract myself but nothing seems to be working.

Really really anxious.

Bless you, take a deep breath and give yourself time to process it!
X rays are not a massive concern - I was e
X rayed at 12 weeks pregnant - they were fully aware I was pregnant and happy to go ahead with it.
I got a positive test in January and had drunk far more than usual over Xmas. And a friend of mine didn’t find out she was pregnant until she was 6 months gone. She had had a summer of festivals and drinking and was mortified. Her little boy is now 6 and perfectly fine!
We wouldn’t choose these things - but we can change how we act going forwards at least 😊

Deep breath - this is a lot to work through.

can you call your psychologist and carry on seeing them for a while? Just to get used to the news and work through it?

@Windinmyhair

Deep breath - this is a lot to work through.

can you call your psychologist and carry on seeing them for a while? Just to get used to the news and work through it?

I know this sounds weird but I feel too much like a fucking idiot to do that. I've been weening myself off for 2 months by going to bi-monthly sessions instead of weekly and finally made the break, and she hugged me yesterday and we said our goodbyes.

I feel like such a pathetic embarrassment, honestly. And worried sick that I have zero control over what is happening to me should anything go awry.

Did she teach you techniques for the anxiety? Mindfulness? Breathing etc?

The anxiety is completely taking over here. If you want to have a baby it will be fine, like a previous poster said you don't currently share a bloody supply with the foetus, it's fine.

Have the told your husband yet?

TerrasaurusRex, this is a different circumstance you are navigating. It sounds like you had a good relationship and the therapist was able to help you to the point of feeling ready to step away from appointments. If you need help, why not seek it? There is nothing to be embarrassed about - you would be caring for yourself

@mamakoukla

TerrasaurusRex, this is a different circumstance you are navigating. It sounds like you had a good relationship and the therapist was able to help you to the point of feeling ready to step away from appointments. If you need help, why not seek it? There is nothing to be embarrassed about - you would be caring for yourself

I know it's completely unreasonable, but I'm just so lost.

I hardly slept at all last night. I felt sick all day yesterday and all night, and I still feel sick now. When I did manage to nod off I had fucked up dreams and woke up covered in cold sweat.

Being alone all night I had time to think about all the other things I'd fucked up. Like the fact I hadn't been taking folic acid and prior to my binge had been on a really low calorie diet so am probably deficient in everything - even worse.... my husband's brother has spina bifida, so that's another thing.

I also have Hashimotos hypothyroiditis and have been neglecting my medication because I'm shit at taking tablets and i just generally suck at these things.

Then my mind started to wonder to all the things that could go wrong with me. What if I die during the birth!?!

I'm still waiting for my gynaecologist acquaintance to give me a call. She's probably snowed under. I just don't know which people to trust to take care of me. I don't even trust myself FGS!

I'm starting to doubt myself. Is the nausea anxiety? Is it a symptom? Are the hot flushes anxiety? Is it my thyroid unable to keep up with demand?

Naturally I went out and bought a multivitamin complex today - which includes folic acid, and then took my euthyroxine tablets as of yesterday. But then I read that with regards to folic acid it's "too late" at this stage according to some article.

I just feel so fucking useless and a total failure before I've even started. And now I feel guilty for beating myself up... and that makes me feel even more useless.

This is horrible.

OP please don't beat yourself up. I was so upset when I found out I was pregnant with my third child at 8 weeks as I had been drinking. He was totally unplanned but is now a healthy toddler. Stop drinking now and stop beating yourself up. You didn't know you were pregnant. It's not your fault. The midwife said it was really common when I told her.

Op the symptoms could be alcohol withdrawal, they will likely pass.

I would not worry it’s too early to really cause any damage, you’re catastrophisising. If you need more help then call your therapist.💐

TerrasaurusRex, take a breath and be gentle with yourself. Pregnancy is an adjustment in your life. I can remember be overwhelmed with feelings of responsibility to that young growing life. My OB-GYN told me off for worrying .

I am going to give you another nudge if you don’t mind. Please call your psychologist if they have been helpful in the past. You are trying to sort out a lot of different emotions at the moment. I hope the thread is helping you

The body has many reserves. A young life will happily deplete to ensure its own healthy growth so you are doing the right thing starting a supplement. Nature places things in favour of the next generation, just as it does with having no shared blood supply in the first few weeks when the mother is unaware of being pregnant.

Hi OP. I'm in Poland and I've had a baby recently (in the last 3 years) and I had a lovely gynecologist who spoke perfect English. I'm also British, here for 5 years. It's obviously a relatively large country but I live in a major city (not Warsaw) so I might be able to help you? You can PM me if you want but please let me know on the thread if you do because I use the app on my phone and never check the website 🙂

Hi OP. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so anxious and horrible. As everyone before has said, it’s too early to have caused any damage and you can most likely relax, though I realise easier said than done!

I do however appreciate your anxiety about being in Poland. Where in Poland are you living? Regarding testing - as far as I know they should test regularly especially if you’re over mid 30s, though it does depend where you live. My mum was pregnant at 42 about 8 yrs ago and she got offered lots of testing (amnio, etc). And this was in Bialystok which is not a liberal city in the slightest.

There are a lot of organisations that can help out, many will be English speaking. Many of them do specialise in abortion access but also many in pregnancy care. You could try reaching out to FEDERA for example or seeing what information they have on offer about your rights, healthcare options, etc. I’ll try to think of some others but FEDERA is the most prominent one I can think of.

If you need any help in finding someplace/someone or in navigating anything across language barriers please please feel free to DM me and reach out.

Thank you @lavenderlilaclily

This morning I got in touch with Women Help Women because I've been feeling so fucked up and anxious and lost and helpless that I've decided to terminate.

In between bouts of sobbing and full blown panic attacks, I've been worrying about the following:

• Birth defects (all of them)
• If medical professionals can be trusted
• Honesty of the system
• Dying in childbirth
• All the numerous complications
• rupture
• the birth itself
• my body changing and feeling even more revolting in my own skin.

Compounded with a feeling of self loathing, uselessness (being unable to get through pregnancy, being a useless mother, being emotionally weak), disgust at this change that is happening, helplessness.

I spoke to my husband this morning, and I think this is the best choice for my mental health because if I feel like this after 2 days fuck knows how I'm gonna survive 9 months, and then the inevitable PND which runs in our family (mum had it, cousin had it, I've been diagnosed with depressive disorders before.

It's sad that I'm not cut out for this. I've always had a deep visceral fear of pregnancy anyway since I can remember as a child of 5/6, which got worse in my teenage years. Sometimes I have avoided even being intimate with my partner just in case anything were to happen, even with protection. I went to a Catholic school and when we were 12/13 or so we were shown a video of a woman giving birth and that just solidified it. It was really graphic. Camera shoved right up there. It was alike a scene from a fucking horror movie. I just remember all the screaming and the blood and the poo being pixelated out, and then the teacher coo-ing about how wonderful it all was! It was absolutely horrifying.

Fast forward to now - I feel like a useless wife, and daughter. I thought I might be able to give my husband something special. I see all these happy families, wondering if that could have ever been me, but I'm too afraid.

Both my mother and my mother-in-law are desperate for a grandchild and I feel selfish and crap. I wanted to make them happy too. (my brother has a kid, but the relationship is kaput and my brother and mum are being isolated from the child - my brother isn't even allowed to feed him or put him to sleep after over a year - a whole other story) - there's no way I can ever tell them about this. The thought of "breaking the news" while they all gloat and scream with joy while I scream with terror on the inside is something I don't really want to experience.

I just can't do any of this. It's a shame because I love my husband, but the thought of 9 months of torture that I can't escape from, with all the anxiety and self-loathing, terrifies me and at the moment it's looking like I'm going to have a full mental health breakdown.

I don't think I'd be a bad parent or mother, I'm just a crap incubator who is disgusted and terrified of what/is/will/might/could happen. We had a good cry this morning. He told me how much he loves me, that he's there for me no matter what. He says we can always try again, but to be honest I don't think I will ever be able to this is all just too much. I've spoken about this fear with my friends before and they all think that I am weird. None of them get it - so I can't talk to them about it either.

I literally have no one who takes any of this seriously or talk to about this. No friends, no OB/Gyn professionals (honestly they can be so dismissive and rude), no parents to talk to. Just my husband. And he's being so good I feel awful for putting him through this.

We've been together 16 years and are still desperately in love - he is my world and I can't imagine my life without him. I should count my blessings.

I feel so sad because this pregnancy was made out of love but I'm just too weak and fucked up. I'm just too petrified. Petrified I already have fucked up, petrified I'm going to fuck up, petrified my life is gonna end.

And this stupid fucking system doesn't make things any easier - I don't want to end up in a psychiatric unit tied down to some bed like a brood mare in a scene from the Handmaids Tale. So I don't even want to go and see a doctor or talk about how I'm not coping. Even if I could go I wouldn't be able to speak to them properly anyway.

The way I see it, it's like going for a ski-jump when you're terrified of heights and never had any training. I'm all suited up but I can't. I have to get off this ride because otherwise I won't survive.

I really thought I would be able to do this. Now I know I can't and it makes me so sad. Makes me feel like a useless woman - when others are so able to do it. I find it so amazing how women just embrace this, trust themselves, and jump in at the deep end.

A bunch of you might be thinking about how bonkers this is and how selfish I am but I haven't been able to sleep and flip between just staring at my phone or walking around the flat aimlessly.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope my package arrives soon because I honestly feel like I'm going insane.

Sorry for the wall of text. I didn't realise it would be so long.

@TerrasaurusRex Don’t apologise, write as much as you like.
You sound absolutely traumatised and my heart breaks for you.
I’m very pro-choice and to be honest, this sounds like the best decision for you.
However....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact your therapist, you need help.
Good luck to you, I really mean that x.

Oh my love x you talk about yourself so negatively. You do what you need to do, it's ok not to want to be pregnant.

I don't know if this helps but if you are fearful of the polish mental health system I imagine some Uk therapists would see you via zoom now a days.

Take care

Oh OP you are so negative about yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to have a termination. So what if DM and MIL want to be grandparents.

It is your life and you deserve to be happy.

OP I really think you need to talk to your therapist, just a one-off conversation to guide you through this decision if she's someone you trust.

There are so many different things feeding into this decision, and it sounds like you don't have the right information to make any of them.

I know a NIPT is expensive (it is where I am too) but it would rule out many abnormalities. I think it is exceptionally unlikely x rays and drinking would be an issue this early in pregnancy, but you could get a dating scan to confirm and then talk to someone to confirm that.

In terms of mental health and post natal depression, I was v concerned about that too for similar reasons but it didn't happen in the end, and I'm convinced part of that was feeling I knew what to expect and what the symptoms would be and felt confident my husband and others were looking out for it. So it may be if your therapist has ideas or is on standby, you can feel supported with that.

Be aware that pre-natal anxiety is a thing, hormones are crazy and it really sounds like your catastrophising right now. I think the fact you said earlier 'I just want a healthy baby' and you immediately bought a prenatal vitamin and stopped drinking suggests your gut response was to want the child. That doesn't mean abortion isn't the right decision. But I think you have a bit of time to make sure it is the right decision for you.

@cindarellasbelly

"I think the fact you said earlier 'I just want a healthy baby' and you immediately bought a prenatal vitamin and stopped drinking suggests your gut response was to want the child."

We talked about it with my husband before. I thought I was really over the fear. The reality of the situation is so different that I just cant see any other way out of this.

Of course if I could have a child that didn't require pregancy itself I'd be fine. Probably should have been born a man! Definately wouldn't exploit some poor surrogate (though I used to talk about it in my 20s).

The reality is that I have a history of PTSD, depressive disorders, phobia of pregnancy and have ended up nearly hospitalised as a consequence of depression.

Of course if I could cope with this I would want a healthy baby, and do everything to ensure the best start! I dont think anyone wants an "unhealthy" child when they get pregnant.

In these past 48 hours it has become less of a question of what I want and what I can manage. I feel really shit that I can't manage. Like really shit. I am so in awe at all you wonderful women who do this.

I feel awful and selfish, and a terrible human for having unprotected sex in the first place.

Two days ago I thought I might be ok, but I've entered a death spiral and I literally cannot cope - you should see the state of me.

After 4 years of therapy if I've taken anything away its that have to look after myself first for the sake of myself and my husband.

I feel like I'm about to drown and am barely keeping my mental health afloat already. It's not a case of "want" it's a case of "can't".

I know afterwards my head will be full of what ifs too and thats why this is such a horrid decision to make.

I honestly wish I'd never been so stupid.

@TerrasaurusRex Oh sweetheart, I feel so sad for you. I so wish you had more support... I'm so glad you've told your husband and that he is being supportive.

Listening to you talking - this isn't just a panic about being pregnant, I do think you know your body and mental health well enough to know this has sent you into a whirlwind and a panic.

I had a quick google and it sounds like there will be support in Poland - just harder to access: www.asn.org.uk/poland/

Please do try and reach out to your psychiatrist again - it's not a case of failing to go back... it's simply needing support in a massive life decision.

I don't know that I've got anything useful to say to help you... but I hate to think of you struggling and feeling so isolated - please message me if you want to vent/need someone to talk to. I've got big shoulders for leaning on ;-)

Wishing you the very best xxx

Don't rush into any big decisions my love. It's not too late for folic acid and your baby won't have been affected by the drinking or the x Ray. It is entirely normal to freak out and think what the fuck have I done when you get a positive pregnancy test (and those feelings often don't go away! They just appear less often as you go through your pregnancy and also rearing children!)

You do need mental health support and your therapist will totally understand why you've gone back to her, your circumstances have changed massively in just a day and she will be there to support you. I think it's important that you speak to if not her, someone for support with this.

We'll be here to support you too whatever you decide. If a termination is the best thing for you and your family then don't feel a shred of guilt. Just make sure it's definitely what you want before you do it.

Deep breath OP

OK I'm getting the idea you were not actually trying to get pregnant.

Do you want to be pregnant? If you don't then contact 'The Abortion Support Network' their whole purpose is to get abortion access if that's what you want. At this stage it would be pills.

www.asn.org.uk/

Sweden was discussing making abortion free for Polish women but I'm not sure whether that has passed into law, you may have to pay.

Do you want a baby? Many many children are concieved after alcohol.

As for X-rays, the risk is small. When I was still a bump X-rays were used to see if a woman was expecting twins.

So you had unprotected sex, this does not make you a bad person, or stupid or any of the hundreds of things you are calling yourself.

Can you get back to Britain? I know covid / money / travel makes things hard but it might give you some time to think about things.

There will always be someone on here to talk to.

And I know this will be hard but don't share your suspicions IRL, I'm not sure what the law is about accessing abortion in another country, if that's what you decide to do.

Obviously there is a lot else going on here besides the xray and alcohol. But what i was told last summer may help in any case.

I had an accident meaning needed multiple x-rays, a CAT scan (I understand this is like many x rays) and an operation. I found out midway though all this that I was pregnant. They did the operation under local, but that didn't eliminate the risk. But what they did make very very clear to me, was that at this early stage, the risks are "all or nothing". The embryo is a ball of undifferentiated cells. You may or may not kill some of these cells. That may or may not kill the embryo. It can just continue developing in the same way (with fewer identical cells, which would divide to make more). Or you might kill too many and cause a miscarriage. But you're not going to cause birth defects while the cells are undifferentiated, because that just wouldn't work.

My understanding is that the effect of alcohol would be the same, for the same reason.

So: you might have a miscarriage in the next week or so. But that's true anyway. The risks have gone up, but only sightly, they're already quite high anyway.

If you don't, you didn't do any damage.

(End of my story: it was ectopic, so it never would have been viable anyway)