Really scared & shocked rather than ecstatic - am I normal?

[Justmeouthere]

I’m new here. We just found out we are about 7-8 weeks. It’s a bit of a shock because it was the first ever and only time my husband and I didn’t use contraception. I had assumed it would take months and months because I’m in my late 30’s. But bam!
Anyway I just don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I was just getting used to the idea of trying after being ambivalent, and now I’m in the thick of it. Did anyone else feel like this? I feel guilty for not having tears of joy. I’m worried my life will be turned upside down and I won’t love the baby. Please don’t be horrible in replies.

What you're feeling is totally normal so please don't feel badly for it. Only you can decide what to do from here, but the chances of you not loving this baby are extremely low.

You're just in shock right now.

Thanks so much for replying! I’m so upset. We’ve been on the fence for years, because almost everyone we know has been through PND, or a few people we knew suffered infant mortality. And then other people we know just seem to be really unhappy and missing their old life. So I’ve always had these bad influences in a way.

This year we looked at our life and realised we didn’t want to grow old without real meaningfulness. So after talking about it (and balancing the decision to death), we decided to remove the goalkeeper. I just can’t believe it happened literally the first time. Maybe it’s just shock. Please tell me you got used to it!? We’re otherwise in a stable relationship, good jobs and have a house. So I know we are lucky. I just feel all the pressure from culture and social media that we should be having this Huge Moment whereas I actually feel nothing.

I hope you get some good advice here, op.
I felt like you when i found out, then went on to suffer PND and really messed things up.
Now I co-parent with my ex H, and it is not the life I would choose if I could have my time again.
My problem was I didn't know what it was I felt or how to get help.

Well done for reaching out. X

100% normal, we tried once , had no idea about my ovulation etc. And when the line came up on the test I actually felt so panicked. I had no idea If I was doing the right thing but I'm 17 weeks now and I'm no longer freaking out.

Scared and shocked described me when I was pregnant with our first. Contraceptive failure rather than choice.

Most of our friends are childless so DD just became one more member of the friendship group (as did DS when he came along). There are some things you can't do. Clubbing was curtailed for a while, but she came along to most other things in her rucksack, car seat or pram. I found the primary school years the most restrictive because they have to be somewhere at a particular time & can't yet do it themselves.

Completely normal. My first was planned but like you I fell pregnant really quickly.

I cried when the test came back positive. My husband couldn't understand it and I struggled to explain. I think I was just overwhelmed with the thought of it all. After a few days when the shock had settled, I was excited. But I was quite ill with sickness the first few months and I veered between happiness and panic that's I'd never feel better again.

DS is 6 now and I still get that overwhelmed feeling! 😁

I was devastated

Still not feeling any joy over a decade later

Sorry!

Thank you grumpy sausage. But is it overall, worth it? Of course I know about the tiredness, and the poop, and the lack of clubbing. There just seems to be so much negativity that very few people seem to say that despite everything, it’s the greatest joy. Conscious that there’s even a few people in this reply thread that seem to regret it. That’s what I’m worried about.

I was in exactly the same situation as you - a bit ambivalent about the whole thing, one time and bam, pregnant!

I was also surprised and scared. I’m 22 weeks now, and I’m getting my head around it. I definitely didn’t have tears of joy when I found out!

I could have written this, our circumstances were exactly the same. Except we knew a lot of people with fertility issues and I didn't want a baby enough to go through all that. He's now 1.5 and I'm sure it was the right choice.

I mean all the stuff about sleep, etc. is totally true. And even though you know it will be rough, it's still a bit surprising. But when they start developing their own personality it's really rewarding.

It doesn't help that after your test it's ages until you see anyone. I half expected the first midwife appointment to be her telling me I wasn't pregnant and was just an idiot!

Well we weren’t trying and didn’t want a baby, I thought I would have an early menopause like my DM.....idiot!
ONE night of unprotected sex and I conceived.

I was shocked, upset, very worried. I had actively prevented pregnancies beforehand by taking the pill, so I was completely unprepared. Took me months to get used to it!
We now have DD and she’s four.
Life is different but we love her more than anything, sort of wish I’d had two now but I think I’m too old.
You both wanted a child, your happy and settled. Your just in shock, you’ll be fine.

@Justmeouthere

Thank you grumpy sausage. But is it overall, worth it? Of course I know about the tiredness, and the poop, and the lack of clubbing. There just seems to be so much negativity that very few people seem to say that despite everything, it’s the greatest joy. Conscious that there’s even a few people in this reply thread that seem to regret it. That’s what I’m worried about.

Gosh no, there's days when I want to pull my hair out with DS and DD but overall they are 100% worth it. It sounds like a cliche but a hug or a I love you from them is amazing. Seeing them achieve things or make the next step in life is the best thing ever.

It's hard but the best thing I did.

Thanks so much everyone. I really appreciate the support. When the GP today said 8 wks it shocked me because I didn’t even realise that they count it from the first day of your last bleed, so it made me feel like I’ve already lost two months, even though we found out three days ago.
And oh my God yes about the midwife gap thing!! I rang the GP going I honestly don’t know what happens next. And she was cold. She sort of seemed to shrug and say “you just called the hospital. It all happens through them now.” It’s just alienating.

Just had a walk and a cry with my husband. He is fine either way, but is concerned that because I have no positivity about it, maybe we should consider a termination and try again in 6 months.

I was the same, just stopped using contraception and thought if it happens, it happens. It took longer for us and was a shock. I wasn't sure about it at all. But despite everything, it has been the greatest joy.

I have this week found out that I am pregnant. I too have been in complete shock with feelings of absolute dread and panic. However, I'm in a different position than you and am just embarking on a new career. My partner doesn't live in the same city and although he wants the baby, he is making comments about being around 'most of the time'. I too am contemplating a termination because I just don't feel it is the right time. However, I'm also worried that this could be my only chance.

Sending you hugs-it is an awful feeling x

You are pregnant. Just you. Not 'we'.

It's totally normal! Even with meticulously planned pregnancies. After all it's a huge thing. But you'll get there. Think about the first scan and when you can start getting clothes and picking a name.

My first was planned, but it happened very quickly and I'd only just adapted to the idea of trying (plus I have issues that made us expect that it would be difficult to conceive)... I was terrified and pretty anxious about the change and adjustments. I did develop PND (and anxiety), although I have a history of depression and anxiety anyway, plus some major life events in my DSs first year had a massive impact on my mental health.

DS is 2.5 years old now and I can honestly say I really enjoy being his mother, he's an amazing little boy (don't get me wrong, it's hard work and challenging too, but I feel as though there are enough rewards to make it worthwhile)! I also have no PND/anxiety symptoms.

I'm now 27 weeks pregnant with my second baby and it's been completely different this time round. No anxiety, I'm just looking forward to it! For me, I think the adjustment to two babies feels much easier and less anxiety inducing, because I've done it once before and know what to expect. Fear of the unknown was a massive issue for me with my first!

I found out a couple of weeks ago and spent the first day googling abortions! I get married soon and spent years wishing I could get pregnant. Now I am, I wish I wasn't. I'm gutted I can't fully enjoy my hen do, my wedding day, and my honeymoon.
I think I'm over the initial shock but I still have bad days. You're not the only one feeling like this and I think talking about it really helps x

P.s. I would definitely echo the "you're in shock" comments.

I would also echo @GrumpySausage, I 100% agree with this sentiment:

Gosh no, there's days when I want to pull my hair out with DS and DD but overall they are 100% worth it. It sounds like a cliche but a hug or a I love you from them is amazing. Seeing them achieve things or make the next step in life is the best thing ever.
It's hard but the best thing I did.

Hi! Totally normal reaction. I had ivf and even I panicked when I got pregnant (and in all honesty, was freaking out so much, I genuinely considered an abortion ). Life is different after kids, no doubt. But you've no way of knowing how you'll feel about being a mother until you've become one.

Ok, deep breaths. Remember you absolutely do have a choice and time to do something about it if that's what you decide.

Are you feeling sick? Even if not, early pregnancy hormones can be really difficult and make you knackered and emotional. Nothing wrong about that, just something to be aware of as you try to work out how you feel.

You can ring BPAS and ask for pregnancy counselling - someone non-judgemental who can help you find your way to a considered decision.

For what it's worth I felt exactly like this. Pregnancy wasn't planned and I was really, really frightened and weirded out when the test was positive. It's a massive life change if you go ahead with it.

Then I spent eight months with my head down the loo feeling rotten I couldn't have been further from the 'blooming pregnant woman' stereotype, i was a mess all the way through.

This was 18 years ago and I had another one two years later. They're absolutely the joy of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. I really can't express the massive love and purpose they've brought to my life (even when they're being awful)

BUT this is your decision, and it's entirely in your control what happens. But yes, I'd say feeling like this is entirely within the bounds of 'normal'.

I don't think it that unusual as a reaction several of my friends have described something similar.

I'm sure your DH means well but the idea of having an abortion and trying again in six months sounds like a terrible one.

Having individual counseling for yourself to talk through what your emotions and if you really want to be a mother might be useful for you.

It might helpful to imagine having a miscarriage and without overthinking it acknowledging what your first reaction would be.

And oh my God yes about the midwife gap thing!! I rang the GP going I honestly don’t know what happens next. And she was cold. She sort of seemed to shrug and say “you just called the hospital. It all happens through them now.” It’s just alienating.

It's strange that something that turns your life upsidedown is very routine for midwives etc. Because we had only just started trying I hadn't paid much attention to dates. Which was apparently unusual.

Hi, I would echo what most have said about being in shock, as it is such a life changing thing. I'm 17 weeks now and feeling much more positive (and easier to think without the sickness and tiredness) and now feeling excited, although still apprehensive.
After finding out I was pregnant I found talking to a couple of close friends who are mums really helpful and also spoke to the most wonderful midwife at BPAS, who talked me through my various worries - I'm in my 40's and was worried about my age. Also talked to someone at Mary Stopes and a work counselling service.
Talk you time and try not to judge yourself for the way you are feeling.