39 weeks unsupportive partner.

[ClaireCloud1]

Am I being unreasonable?

This is my second pregnancy and I feel my partner is hugely unsupportive.

He is very difficult at the best of times. Is very awkward and we won’t be asked (I’m suggesting) to do anything. He doesn’t want to hear my opinion or voice on anything. I have tried talking to him about all the below over the last 7 years of our relationship, but he worn listen. He puts his hand up to a stop sign to my face as soon as I talk and just throws abuse at me .

I have severe pelvic pain I am 39 weeks pregnant and a not yet two year old to look after. I spend most days crawling around after my toddler and trying to keep the house clean. I do the vast majority of cleaning, crawling around doing all the manual jobs, cleaning the shower, toilet, windows, floor, dusting, hoovering, picking up toys from under sofa, off floor. It’s all very manual and involves a lot of lifting and bending, which is very difficult being 9 months pregnant.

I hate having to ask him to do anything as he grumbles and it causes arguments, he then justifies that he cleans the kitchen and that he has worked all day and just wants to sit down (sat down at computer., when I am at work I work in hospital and al on my feet all day doing 10,000 steps) I have asked him to get Moses basket off top of wardrobe at least 50 times.. he hasn’t done it. So I climbed up yesterday and did it. I then asked him to get washing out of machine as I washed the Moses basket bedding ( as I couldn’t bend down anymore) and he said it was 9.30 he needed to sit down so it would have to wait in machine to today) I got annoyed at him and he then threw things at me and says that I only ‘occasionally clean’ when I spend hours and hours each day doing the things he never does. In 7 years he has never cleaned a toilet .wiping kitchen surfaces stood up is easy in comparison to crawling around on hands and knees doing all the other jobs.

I need the tyres doing on OUR car as I can see that they are semi flat.. asked him 100 times not done.. so I’m going to have to crouch on floor at petrol station with my huge bump. Otherwise we will need car and tyres will be flat.

I need the cot down off the wardrobe. Asked, not done.

I need pram out of garage (buried Under a pile of stuff, can’t move in there as it’s not been sorted from moving in 2 years ago)

I can’t ask anymore as it started rows. I have asked him to do all the above a thousand times.

I’m sick of him and his attitude, he hasn’t had to sort or arrange anything for baby (or our last) it’s all been me, getting things me need, sorting out clothes etc. It’s just all magically done. As apparently I do nothing, he pointed out that whilst our two year old napped yesterday I got to rest and he did not as he was working. (Yes I did, I am 39 weeks pregnant and have had an horrible cold / sore throat / sinus pain since the weekend so feel horrible.. but I shouldn’t have to point that out.)

Let’s not even talk about DIY and house jobs that need doing to maintain a house! He does none of it! I have to do it all.. or get my dad. I have this pregnancy (late pregnancy) re sealed shower (as it was leaking.. he would of left it), painted etc (he then came at me and said - you enjoy the craft like stuff! I was so mad!). Cleaned car as we were selling it.. mowed grass (removing a ton of cat poo.. yes your not supposed to touch cat poo on pregnancy.. but I had asked him 100 times and explained that and the last time I asked he said he wanted to sit down and rest 1st, so I did it as out toddler plays in Garden).

Sick of him and am seriously thinking that I would be best off without him. I can’t challenge him (I try) but he just throws it back at me doesn’t listen and will never ever ever ever say sorry or change his ways. He is a complete and utter ARSE.

I need to clean the oven today (it’s an under counter one.. so more bending with a huge bump) as it’s got something burnt in there form him and stinks.. it’s not been done in ages. I have asked him to do it.., but apparently it’s a ‘too hard job’ and we should get someone in to do it.

He sounds like a lazy arse.

I’ve got a newborn and for the last month or so my husband did the majority of the housework as I was simply knackered (at home full time with toddler since maternity leave started at 36 weeks).

Will your husband be a help with the newborn? It doesn’t sound like it, but maybe he stepped up last time.

From your post I can’t really tell why you want to be with him, but assume he must have some redeeming features for you to have stayed with him. Thinking practically, can you afford a cleaner? Even to do one deep clean including oven etc before baby arrives and let you get back to a clean slate.

You need to look after yourself and rest. Sending love.

And you are still living with this lazy abusive piece of shit because….?

Sorry you’re having to put up with this. You shouldn’t be doing any of those things, especially with pelvic pain, so don’t! Even if he doesn’t do it, just don’t give in and do it. The fact you said he threw things at you is not a good sign ☹️ Doing that normally is bad anyway but throwing things at your heavily pregnant partner is awful! Has he ever done anything like that before? He sounds like a lazy, self-centred cretin!

I’d probably get someone in to do the oven, just because of all the chemicals. What does this man bring to your life? It does sound like he makes everything harder for you rather than easier!

You shouldn't be living with him at all.

I can't understand having a second baby with such a waste of space if he's been like this long term, but obviously that's the reality of the situation now so I think you need to look at your options re a plan for the future re financial independence, benefits and housing support you would be entitled to, child maintenance and perhaps some counselling to unravel why you've stayed with someone abusive and had a second child with them.

He hasn't just been horrible to you, he's put you and your baby at risk throughout this pregnancy by not doing things that are easy for someone not pregnant to do, instead letting you do them when they are physically dangerous for you eg cat poo, tyres, top of cupboards etc.

You really can't stay with him because you're going to teach your children that this is what a relationship looks like and the longer you stay the more likely it is they will replicate it in their own relationships as adults.

If you can't leave for your sake, leave for theirs.

I usually think mumsnet users are too quick to reply with "what are you still doing with this person" but in this case I think it is justified. If I were you I would have a serious conversation with him and explain that his actions are beyond selfish. He is showing no care for you or his unborn child. It needs to stop.

He didn’t physically throw things at me, I meant throws things at me verbally. Like I got to rest.. or that I do ‘occasional’ jobs. When he cleans kitchen (he does wipe the surfaces and do dishwasher).

I hate being reliant on him for things as I hate having to ask and then the responses I get.

I’m worried about having the newborn in house as he is now worried from home and last time he wasn’t. He hates being distracted/ disturbed from his work and if he is he adds the time on to the end of his day. It’s hard at the moment as my toddler knows he is in the office and keeps knocking on the door and getting upset that daddy can’t come out.

Leaving him is not a life I wanted for my children. Plus I don’t have any family support in the area. I know it would have to be me to leave the house (we both work full time and have put all money into house and everything equal) / find somewhere. It’s a nice house and my little boys home .So that would involve moving to other side of country with children (?? Staying with family!) as I couldn’t afford to leave the house and rent something. He won’t leave as he sees me as the problem and thinks he is the ‘fitter’ person. I just don’t know how women do it, I kind of feel trapped and no options, I can’t really travel and up route my toddler being 5 days off my due date.

A cleaner could be an option (although money is tight as maternity pay and I now earn less than him ( I do regardless without maternity due to him getting pay rises).. but everything is still 50:50 with separate accounts... so) a cleaner still won’t change his attitude towards me and his ‘god status’ he thinks he has.

I wish I could just leave the housework.. but I can’t.. because I know that it’s me who ultimately will need to sort it out.

I Really need to put the childgate up on bottom stair (child is nearly 2!) before he falls .. my dad did the top one.

Leaving him is not a life I wanted for my children.

I'm afraid the alternative is them growing up in a household where their father abuses their mother, teaching them that men are in charge and women are good for cooking, cleaning and childcare but should do as they are told by men.

I would say staying with your family on the other side of the country, getting back on your feet financially and focusing on your children is preferable to that, as hard as it will be in the short term.

I Really need to put the childgate up on bottom stair (child is nearly 2!) before he falls .. my dad did the top one.

Read this back to yourself.

He wants his heavily pregnant partner to do something that would be easy for him to do and needs to be done to keep his child safe, because he can't be bothered. He cares that little about his own child. I couldn't even bear to look at him, much less plan to stay with him.

I'm really sorry this is all coming to a head at the very end of your pregnancy. It's so very hard.

I do think under the circumstances, if you went the route of a separation you would be granted some child support.

Sometimes the toughest of stories do end well. I have a friend who had a rocky relationship with her husband for years and he ended up leaving her on the day their child was born. She had it really tough, moved back from the other side of the country to be close to her sisters and mother, and a few years later met a good man. They have now been married or 15 years and her son is a great young man. This future isn't impossible for you either - in fact it's likely :)

One thing that strikes me is that if you choose to stay, out of duty, it is really not improbable that he will be the one leaving at some point. Maybe, after years of you investing ridiculous amounts of energy into the relationship and family. And then, you'll feel even more betrayed. There is still time for you to build something good in your life and even find the partner your children need.

It must be so hard to come to these realisations at the end of your pregnancy. Sometimes you need a soundboard to realise that what you've been subconsciously fearing all along is true. Mumsnet is one thing, but maybe a first step would be to phone a trusted friend or family member. It might give you the courage you need.

That sounds awful. I don’t see how you can live like that. Why are you in a relationship with him? What did you like about him to set up home and have two children with him? I know we are not supposed to say, why did you have another child with him but Its shocking how bad the situation is.

What’s he going to be like with a newborn? Who is going to look after your toddler? How will it work with him working at home?

I would definitely plan to leave him even if you can’t physically do it this week.

I don’t usually post on threads like this but OP he’s awful. Really really bad. How can he allow his heavily pregnant partner to do all this - what does he need to rest all the time for??

If you left you’d carry on needing to do everything yourself but you won’t have the aggro and unpleasantness you have now. Your kids won’t be witnessing this waste of space and how he behaves towards his family.

It doesn’t matter that you had a second with him, it’s done now. Leave him while your kids are still young, when they get older and attached to school, friends, their father it will be a lot harder and I can’t imagine he will get any more pleasant.

Feel so bad for you OP, please leave while you can.

You don’t have to leave now but make plans, put aside money, get your ducks in a row. Leave in a year from now but leave.

Otherwise I don’t know what else to suggest, how do you make someone step up and be a decent human being.

Deep down I know you are all right. The fact that I am having to post on a site says it all. These issues are not new and he is not going to change. He will never see any error in his ways and thinks that I am ‘mental / unstable’

Why did I choose to have children with him?
Why have a stayed in relationship?

He has/ had some good qualities .. I think! He is a good dad to our little boy when he is not working and I need the help, moving to the other side of country would upset our little boy- he is more important than me and my feelings? (I my partner would show me a softer side, but I have never had that side from him, he doesn’t do ‘feelings’ or ‘talking’ and Is very cold and ‘matter of fact’ on things and shuts down anytime I try to talk to him) Although it is clear to me now that he has always held all the cards and everything is on his terms.

I met him into my 30’s after being single for a long time and feeling that time was running out, dates / online dating / disastrous hopeful relationships, leave you very disheartened. Yes there were problems from the start with his attitude/ things not right, but it’s give and take? I’m not perfect and surely there is nothing wrong with settling?You try and work through problems, Or just put up? Hope that things will get better? That they will change? That they will suddenly respect you? The more you do, the harder you work, they may have a realisation that they are lucky to have you and show you some appreciation? Now I realise I have been living in the clouds!!

Because being older meeting a man is hard.. I tried for years and had not much luck, I had been single for 7 years after a very emotionally draining relationship. I met him when I was 32 and I was 37 when we had our first, and am now 39 about to have second, I’m from a large family’s and wanted my child to have a sibling. Leaving him starting all over again (call me selfish maybe) at my age before having children most likely meant giving up on the idea of ever having a family. But yes now this is not the life I wanted for my children, I don’t want my boys growing up seeing Dad always disrespecting mum, giving her ‘teenager’ like lip whenever she asks him to do a single thing, not listening to me and generally putting me bottom of the list. Children 100% come first above my needs, I have always felt bottom of my partners priorities, now After children My needs (I feel guilty for even saying this and having needs) are non existent/ important to him. It’s difficult and my hormones / mental state are all over the place ATM.

OP, he is not “a good dad” when he is abusing your son’s mother. He is modelling a toxic version of masculinity and giving your son the idea that he should grow up to abuse his own future wife too.
It will only briefly disrupt your son to move across the country at his age. And the future benefits are enormous for him, you, and your unborn child.
You would be free from abuse, nearer to your own caring family, and have the chance to rebuild your health and self esteem in a happy environment.
At present, if you are not married to this shit of a man, you have no financial security, no right to maintenance, and he could throw you out whenever he gets bored with abusing you or wants a new younger victim.
Please speak to Women’s Aid for advice and help to leave. And do the Freedom program online.
A much happier future awaits you, OP. Please have the courage to start planning for it. God bless.

I feel for you OP, you won’t be the first or the last to ‘settle’ because they panicked about time running out. You don’t sound at all mental or unstable, that’s clearly just something he says to put you down if you dare get emotional about needing him to do any of the things a normal, caring, respectful partner wouldn’t even need to be asked to do. Life hardly ever turns out the way we hoped, but it doesn’t mean you can’t still be happy. Accepting that this man is never going to change is your first step. Obviously now is not a practical time to make any big decisions, but you can take a little step towards the future you want every so often, and it will get you there eventually. Start with looking after yourself and your little ones. Please don’t be crawling round on the floor for housework! Unless there is something that’s going to be a danger to your toddler, it can wait.

He is NOT a good dad.

How can you say he is?! You mean he plays nicely with your child sometimes?

He won't put up a babygate that will keep your boy safe.

He puts your boys mum aka you at risk at a time you shouldn't be doing things like being on your knees for tyres / getting stuff off the top of wardrobes. All stuff he COULD do but doesn't even when begged. Knowing that they could be harmful to you, the mother of his son, who takes care of his son.

he doesn’t do ‘feelings’ or ‘talking’ and Is very cold and ‘matter of fact’ on things and shuts down anytime I try to talk to him

How do you think that's going to play out when your children are old enough to voice their opinions? Or need to talk about their feelings? Their fears? He will shut them down too and cripple their self esteem.

I’m not perfect and surely there is nothing wrong with settling?

There absolutely is if it means raising children in a toxic dynamic that teaches them men are in charge and women are for cooking, cleaning and childcare and should do as they are told.

Do you GENUINELY believe he is a good dad? He is not. He really, really is not.

It will only briefly disrupt your son to move across the country at his age. And the future benefits are enormous for him, you, and your unborn child. You would be free from abuse, nearer to your own caring family, and have the chance to rebuild your health and self esteem in a happy environment.

This. Please read this again and again.

If it helps you to make a decision, please know that it would be selfish to stay as it's not in your child's best interest. I know that sounds like victim blaming but it's more victim empowering - you need to dig deep and find the confidence as a mother to do what is best for your children. Living in this environment isn't what's best for them, or you.

Hey OP, reading your post has made me feel just so incredibly angry. He is just an absolute drain on your finite physical and emotional energy, and your lives would be so, so much better without him. I think it's time to get on the phone to family and friends and start delegating tasks (which refreshingly they'll actually DO) to pack up the bare necessities and get the hell out of there in what little time you have before baby number two arrives. You collect your remaining possessions and sort out the other paperwork in the months down the track once you're settled again. He is such a lowlife and you deserve so much more and your kids deserve a role model worth aspiring towards. Take care and keep being the awesome, strong woman that you are!

He sounds like a real delight. He needs to be told that he sorts his shizzle out or you rethink your relationship status.

My husband is military so most things are down to me as he is not here to help. He does maintain the cars as he quite likes doing it. Everything else can be a bit of a battle, he doesn't see the urgency in things so I often just do it myself. Like I'll be on my way out the house with bin bags and he'll say I would have done that, too bloody late d**khead!! It annoyed me more when I worked but now being a sahm I just get on with things and tell him frequently that I do not NEED him lol. We are expecting baby number 6 atm, he will help out if asked (not told) and sometimes doesn't need prompting but tbh I don't leave him alone with the kids often because I worry that he'll forget when dinner time is. It's always that lack of thought for others he stumbles over, me well I'm always thinking about others and putting myself bottom of the list, joy of being mum.

You deserve so much better OP it honestly makes me sad. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have really struggled with this pregnancy it's my third baby, elder two are both at school so I have time in the day to relax and catch up on sleep. My husband has been amazing, doing probably 90% of the housework so I can rest. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that and you should be resting too, which is hard enough with a little one to look after. Put yourself and the kids first, he's clearly selfish and lazy. It's not acceptable, especially when you're that far along. Wishing you all the best

@Chelyanne

He sounds like a real delight. He needs to be told that he sorts his shizzle out or you rethink your relationship status.

My husband is military so most things are down to me as he is not here to help. He does maintain the cars as he quite likes doing it. Everything else can be a bit of a battle, he doesn't see the urgency in things so I often just do it myself. Like I'll be on my way out the house with bin bags and he'll say I would have done that, too bloody late d**khead!! It annoyed me more when I worked but now being a sahm I just get on with things and tell him frequently that I do not NEED him lol. We are expecting baby number 6 atm, he will help out if asked (not told) and sometimes doesn't need prompting but tbh I don't leave him alone with the kids often because I worry that he'll forget when dinner time is. It's always that lack of thought for others he stumbles over, me well I'm always thinking about others and putting myself bottom of the list, joy of being mum.

Six kids with a man you don't trust to be alone with children as he can't manage stuff as simple as mealtimes and taking the bins out without being asked seems like an awful lot of stress to have continued to add to!

This is no life for you or your children op.

Start making a get out plan, you deserve so much better.

No man is worth this crap.

It can be done, OP. A friend of mine walked out on her abusive alcoholic husband with just her baby, the pram, and the clothes she was wearing.
She raised her son alone, and is now happily remarried, has a good career as a nurse, and has never looked back. Yes, it was tough at the start, but she now owns her own home and (pre covid) had two or three foreign holidays a year.
Cliche but true - even the hardest journey begins with a single step. Go for it.

So sorry to hear this he sounds awful!
First choice is are you ready to go, sounds not so good from there, until you want to leave.

Personally from now on I would expect f-all from him and it sounds like talking to him in any sense will not make a difference as he is so ignorant.

I would make a list of the things that need doing, and arrange with your dad to do some things and contact a local handy man to help with the other things, pull in any kind of help you can. He soon will feel like the pathetic child he is when he realises you don’t need him for anything.
I know this isn’t ideal but it means things get done, your less under pressure and you avoid having to ask him.
To be honest it may sound pathetic but I’d go the full way and stop doing anything for him to!! No cooking, no washing. He doesn’t do anything so why do anything for him, put yourself and your children first.

I hope that things get better for you xXx