Terrified of having a boy

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

Please be gentle.

I’ve just found out after my NIPT testing that I am having a boy and I’m kind of scared.

I have a little girl who is nearly 20 months so this will be my second (and last) child, and I know you shouldn’t say these things but I was hoping for another girl.

There are a few reasons Im scared about having a boy, the primary one is that I am one of 2 and had a younger brother and he was exceptionally violent. I am not just talking as a child but well into early adulthood, he used to hit the crap out of me, to the extent that a few times I thought I would die. He was also physically aggressive to my parents, my mum however always turned a blind eye when he hurt me. I am really scared of the same thing happening and being afraid of my own child.

Reason number 2 is my little girl was born small and has had very slow catch up growth and I’m afraid of history repeating itself. And it sucks but I know life as a small man is harder than as a small woman.

So those are the biggies but there are also a few little things, like we are a Muslim family and my husbands family will go on and on about circumcision. I personally don’t agree with infant circumcision. This will be an issue.

I’m also worried than my LG won’t be close to her brother, in my head it’s easier being closed to a sibling of the same sex. This could be based off my own relationship with my brother.

Don’t get my wrong I’m beyond grateful that the genetic testing came back low risk but I am a bit scared about raising a boy.

Boy parents/ carers with girl siblings how have you found their behaviour with each other? How is their relationship as youngsters and as they grew up?

I have an older daughter and a younger son 3 years age difference and they were extremely close drifted a bit just now as teenagers but am sure it will come back round,on the whole they always got on and played together with my daughter being very protective they occasionally hurl an insult at each other but nothing major and are never physical honestly try and not worry

My DS is my only child so don’t have experience of two but just wanted to say he is so loving and caring, all for his mama and loves other kids.
I have friends with one of each and they’ve never had any problems, the big sister mothers her younger brother and all have great relationships.
I’m sorry for what you went through with your brother but that doesn’t mean at all your DS will be the same!
I love being a boy mum and can’t see myself with a girl now.
I don’t know much about circumcision but you do what you believe if right for your child and you can’t go wrong!

I think your biggest issue here is pressure to circumcise. Please stand firm and do not allow this mutilation.

@BakedBeansBang, I think it will be a constant annoyance if I’m honest, but I do firmly believe in bodily autonomy and that’s a choice he can make when he understands. I’ve seen a few academic presentations on genital cutting and to me their is 0 benefit from infantile circumcision only the potential for harm caused. So I will not waver on this, don’t you worry!

I have a daughter and then a son, when I found out I was having a boy at my 20wk scan I actually cried in the loo. Even though i knew it wasn't logical! He's 4yo now and he's absolutely lush. I would walk through fire for him. The kids love each other and play brilliantly together, all day every day. I hope yours will be the same!

My husband also wanted to get our son circumcised. I told him that was a hard no from me and showed him scientific articles / medical information that it's not cleaner etc and he changed his opinion.

I can understand your concerns and breaking them down, the issue with your brother is awful, but not at all typical of sibling relationships. You also know that you will not allow a son of yours to behave that way. But perhaps some counselling to deal with how your brother treated you would help.

The size thing is the least of the issues. Premature children do mostly catch up in size reasonably quickly.

The circumcision is a big one too. It really depends if your husband is on your side with this.

I have two younger brothers, the elder and I have a similar age gap to your two. I love them both dearly. We bickered sometimes as children but we've all always been close. Most boys are not agressive in the way you describe and you will parent differently from your Mum. Please don't worry, I'm sure your LG will be as grateful for her brother as I am for mine.

Also to add to the boy girl sibling thing. I have a younger brother and we are close, and were as children. At a young age my experience was that same sex siblings fought more.

I understand your worries OP. Your feelings are valid, but you'll be a great mum to your son, I promise! Isn't it funny we have an idea of what we want and we end up with something completely different!

I wanted boys. I ended up with 2 girls.

You'll love the hell out of your son when he's here. I really struggled both times being told I was having a girl but now they're both here, I couldn't imagine life any other way!

Me and my younger brother (2 year gap) were very close as kids. He remains to this day one of the gentlest men I know. We're not as close now as life took us in different directions, but there's certainly no ill feeling. In fact, when I messaged him to tell him I was pregnant recently, his girlfriend confided in me that he was tearful as he was so pleased for me, so we clearly have a bond. On the other hand, I have heard of sisters that were AWFUL to each other growing up. I don't think it matters whether they are boy or girl.

As the parent, you set the precedent for behaviours and relationships with others. Whatever gender of baby you have, if you teach kindness and gentleness they will learn from you :)

Luckily my husband (as of right now at least) understands where I am coming from re circumcision. There is just too much risk and the risk for infection seems so high given that they are in nappies and newborns have very liquid stools. It’s going to be an annoyance as his family are like a dog with a bone, especially because I’m from a different cultural background and seen as ‘liberal’ (which I am lol).

This perhaps isn’t as rational but I also read SIDS is higher in males? As is tongue tie, my little girl had tongue tie and it was f’ing horrendous.

@LadyDanburysHat she wasn’t prem she was just small for gestational age, at the time all signs from the placenta looked ok so it was a mystery.

Hello OP

I'm so sorry to hear that your brother was violent to you when you were growing up, that is a horrible experience to have had, I hope you are safe from him now.

Pregnancy can raise a lot of fears and feelings which scare us. Your baby boy is not your brother. He is your baby, an innocent little being, waiting to be loved. You are already protecting him by standing against circumcision and I'm sure you will raise him to be loved and teach him how to love.

I have an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy

When they were little, they were really close and got on well.

Now that dd is older, she wants her own space, but I think k this would happen even if ds had been a dd.

She’s older, therefore doesn’t want to do babyish things.

However, they do still get on and don’t bicker and argue like some siblings do

Ah okay, I misread that. Not guaranteed to happen again. But my DS2 is 13 and pretty small for his age. Just about 5ft, he has friends who are over 6ft, and he has never had any issues.

I have a DD who is 10 and a DS who is 8 (and an older DS, 13).

They all get on well, but the bond between DD and her younger brother is really special. They adore each other, and are just the best companions to each other, even though they couldn't be more different.

I totally understand what you mean about your DD having a sister, and I would have liked that for DD if it was somehow also possible for her to have DS as her brother too! But please don't think that mixed sex siblings can't be close - they can, and in some ways the relationship is easier because there is no jealously or competition.

Thanks all! That’s really calming!

A lot of my fear is probably coming down to how I was raised. Dad left the country for work and my brother was my mums favourite and we were raised to be in competition with each other, she got him involved in disciplining me etc.

I had quite bad anxiety in my first pregnancy so I referred myself to the perinatal mental health team so ill be sure to mention this to them!

I have a younger brother that I am close to, and an older sister that I really am not close to at all. It's a matter of personality rather than the sex of my siblings. My brother was never violent to me or my sister at all during our childhood.

As a mum of two boys, neither of them are violent to each other or anyone else because we don't tolerate it at all. This idea that boys will inevitably be aggressive/violent/physical is just not true. It's just much more likely that parents and others will allow/excuse or even encourage aggressive, over-physical behaviour from boys when they are much less likely to do so with girls. If you apply the same boundaries to your boy as he's growing up, in the same way that you've done with your daughter, you will see that boys are perfectly capable of being well behaved non-violent children.

Regarding birth size, every pregnancy and baby are different. Unless you've been told that you are likely to have another small baby then there's no need to worry about that. Are you or your partner particularly short?

So sorry you had such a difficult time with your brother, no wonder you are carrying that with you.

I have a step son and daughter, close as little kids - bit more distant as teens (3 year age gap) but my guess is they will come back to being close friends by late teens/early 20s. When they are together even now they get on fine and are quite funny with each other.

It sounds like your brother had very specific issues and there’s no reason that should repeat. There are probably some good sites/books on how to encourage good sibling relationships.

Size wise - he’s likely to end up similar stature as the adults in both sides of the family - if that means short, then I think at least society is getting more tolerant of difference so I would worry bout it.

Circumcision - great your husband supports you. I’d go in hard with the hygiene argument and say it’s just not up for discussion - and just very firmly close it down every time.

@BakedBeansBang

I think your biggest issue here is pressure to circumcise. Please stand firm and do not allow this mutilation.

I totally agree

Most m/f siblings are fine.Your situation is abnormal.
Both boys and girls get tongue tie. Check at birth and if so get it cut just as you would with a girl.
SIDS is actually quite rare now. Don't smoke and follow safe sleep guidelines. The last SIDS case I delt with was female. You are using some daft arguments here. All baby's have these risks.
Circumcision is your problem please focus your energy on this.

Meant I wouldn’t worry about height! Not I would...

I’ve got two sons and a daughter, none of them are violent to each other. I don’t tolerate violence in my home, including physical punishment. DC have always even taught respect. Your DS will only be violent if you allow him to (excluding some form of disability or additional needs, that’s a different ballpark). I can’t help with the possibly being short issue though, sorry!

@AssassinatedBeauty re birth size, once you’ve had one low birth weight baby you are statistically more likely to have another. It’s not a guarantee but I think you have double the risk compared to the general population, but of course this does depend on the cause i.e pre eclampsia, any maternal conditions. As a result I’m automatically high risk and will have extra growth scans and I’ve been on aspirin since 8 weeks. So it is a risk.
My husband and I aren’t particularly short, he’s 5’10 and I’m 5’3 so our mid parental is around 50th centile. Our little girl is quite small still, between 9/25th centile but closer to 9th... so it’s in the normal range but I am concerned about her height.

Bless you, you poor thing. It can be really stressful finding out you're having the "wrong" sex. The good news is that you've got a long time to process all the emotions around it, so it's good you're finding out now.

What helped me most with my "wrong sex" second baby was looking at what a complete individual my first was. He wasn't just "a boy", he was my lovely little gentle boy who loves trains and grey clothes and mackerel. So my second wasn't going to be "a girl", she was going to be her own individual self.

Particularly as it's a boy, I think it might be helpful for you to think of your baby as being male like your DH, not like your brother. After all, you like your DH!

It was a shock to me when I found out #2 was a girl and not another boy, but I'm glad I had all the pregnancy to Have Feelings about it and by the time she was born I was thrilled to be having her. And none of my "girl" worries have come true so far! She really is her own self, not just "a girl", and her big brother loves her.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience growing up with your brother but presumably you will parent differently than your parents so history doesn't have to repeat itself.

I'm Muslim too and I also have a younger brother. We were very close as small children, mostly disliked each other during adolescence and argued a lot etc then came out the other side once he reached adulthood and got close again. We are both late 20s now and very close. We are much closer to each other than either of us are to our younger sister, my brother is one of my best friends and best supports, he's an absolutely great person and him and DH are close too.

My DH isn't Muslim (whole other thread hah...) and we have a girl too, I'm sure my DF would be like your PILs if number 2 is a boy about circumcision but both me and DH don't agree with it for infants so they will just have to get over it, it's not something we will do. Like you I do kinda hope this one is a girl too (we won't find out til birth) as I just feel it will be easier for me hah but if it's a boy I'm sure it will all work out fine too.