Terrified of having a boy

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

Please be gentle.

I’ve just found out after my NIPT testing that I am having a boy and I’m kind of scared.

I have a little girl who is nearly 20 months so this will be my second (and last) child, and I know you shouldn’t say these things but I was hoping for another girl.

There are a few reasons Im scared about having a boy, the primary one is that I am one of 2 and had a younger brother and he was exceptionally violent. I am not just talking as a child but well into early adulthood, he used to hit the crap out of me, to the extent that a few times I thought I would die. He was also physically aggressive to my parents, my mum however always turned a blind eye when he hurt me. I am really scared of the same thing happening and being afraid of my own child.

Reason number 2 is my little girl was born small and has had very slow catch up growth and I’m afraid of history repeating itself. And it sucks but I know life as a small man is harder than as a small woman.

So those are the biggies but there are also a few little things, like we are a Muslim family and my husbands family will go on and on about circumcision. I personally don’t agree with infant circumcision. This will be an issue.

I’m also worried than my LG won’t be close to her brother, in my head it’s easier being closed to a sibling of the same sex. This could be based off my own relationship with my brother.

Don’t get my wrong I’m beyond grateful that the genetic testing came back low risk but I am a bit scared about raising a boy.

Boy parents/ carers with girl siblings how have you found their behaviour with each other? How is their relationship as youngsters and as they grew up?

@partyatthepalace to anyone who brings it up I’m thinking of a quip along the lines of ‘why are you constantly thinking and talking about my sons genitals’ to shut up those who bang on.

The questions on circumcision will be an annoyance but it’s not my real fear here, as it just won’t happen.

It's good news that you are so clear about your approach to circumcision - I wasn't as strong as you and wish I had been. Just to say I would look for any religious leader who would confirm it's not essential, more for your own support than anything, things can be tough in the newborn phase.

Also, I'm 5'2" and my brother is nearly 6ft! And our parents are both average height. You can have wildly differing heights within one family, so try not to borrow worries from tomorrow about that.

@PermanentTemporary I think getting a religious figure to echo my sentiments is quite unlikely. I know some schools of fiqh (thought/ jurisprudence) consider is a sunnah ( an act after the prophet that is commendable) rather than fardh ( mandatory) but the majority view is that it is mandatory (at least according to my research). However, I can’t find an age range for these arguments so if he makes that choice as a teen or an adult then it appears to be the same

[quote Sleeplessemma]@partyatthepalace to anyone who brings it up I’m thinking of a quip along the lines of ‘why are you constantly thinking and talking about my sons genitals’ to shut up those who bang on.

The questions on circumcision will be an annoyance but it’s not my real fear here, as it just won’t happen.[/quote]
Ha yes - that’s a really good idea - especially accompanied by a ‘you are creepy and weird’ expression...

It’s absolutely understandable you are worried, having had the experience you had and with your daughter being physically small - however there’s just no reason it would repeat. Can you talk to your husband about it, how you will both model good behaviour etc? - which you would anyway but sounds like it might be reassuring to have it something you talk about.

For what it's worth OP the issues that you had with your brother growing up I had with my older sister. She was 2 years older and very abusive towards me growing up, constantly hitting, punching etc - I was terrified of her! This carried on in to her being a teen aswell where she regularly hit/kicked/punched my mum. So those issues aren't just limited to males, it's possible for that to happen with two sisters aswell. It sounds like the main problem with this you had is that your mum never dealt with it and turned a blind eye, it will be different for your children as you know how that felt and will know yourself that if any issues like this arise you will be able to deal with them and nip them in the bud.

As an adult she has now apologised for all of this, her and my mum have a great relationship now. We talk but are far from close.

I’m also worried than my LG won’t be close to her brother, in my head it’s easier being closed to a sibling of the same sex. This could be based off my own relationship with my brother.

Also for what it's worth, I have two sisters, one is 20 years younger and was only born last year so can't talk for her yet but my older sister and me couldn't be more opposite people, we are not close at all and never were growing up, I avoid seeing her as much as possible. Whereas, I have loads of friends who are so close with their brothers and it always made me a little jealous seeing how close they were. Being the same sex doesn't have any guarantees of closeness, as I say for the people I know it's actually the opposite.

It seems scary now OP but once your little boy is here and in your arms you will wonder what you were worrying about, you'll love him just as much as you would have if he'd been a girl ❤️

@partyatthepalace this is my plan... that line with a freaked out expression and then to walk away. They already don’t like me so no loss there. Haha!

They thought she might just be constitutionally small I.e it’s just within her nature, and she eats quite well now and is still a slight little thing. I just know how hard it is to be made fun of for your appearance I got it all the time, mainly for weight but still, It sucks.

I think that’s a good idea to speak to my husband about how we want to model behaviour. He’s a gentle guy overall but he is prone to getting angry sometimes so he’s going to need to work on this. Xx

Oh @Sleeplessemma

When I was pregnant first time around I was desperate for a girl. Absolutely desperate, I couldn’t even imagine having a boy. DH didn’t want to know the sex before arrival and I had to go along with it tbh

Please don’t laugh, but I had my cards read at 16 weeks and I was told I was having a boy. I was so disappointed, still puking my guts up all day (lasted 38/40 weeks) and had pre natal depression. “Knowing” I was having a boy didn’t help.

Fast forward 7 years and I now have 2 boys and genuinely wouldn’t know what to do with a girl. They are the cuddliest, gentlest kids I’ve ever come across. They insist on falling asleep holding hands (meaning we have to move them to their own beds when they are asleep 🤦🏻‍♀️)

From what you’ve said, your brother behaved appallingly but there were no consequences to this - so it escalated. You’re extremely aware of what can happen, and I promise you that you will react appropriately IF it ever happens with your daughter. Kids don’t learn in a vacuum - they need to be taught, and you know how serious the outcome can be if they aren’t.

Please don’t feel guilty for feeling disappointed, I understand where you are coming from. But here is your opportunity to have a son who you teach to be kind, gentle and the opposite of your brother. He will redress the balance

I've been around abusive men all my life and the one man in my life who isn't abusive (and is definitely a feminist ally) is my brother and he was raised like that because my mum was in a similar situation to you.

He was also 5lbs when he was born. A tiny thing. Struggled putting weight on all his life until about 10 when he ballooned. But as most boys do, all that energy just got used when he grew and now he's over 6 foot tall (to my measly 5 foot).

It's worth doing some reading about how you want to parent.

It's been ingrained in many generations to raise boys differently to girls and I see it in people my age (20s) telling their kids things like "don't be a girl" "you're acting mamby Pamby" "that's a boys thing".

Once you've read about the kind of parenting you want to do, you'll feel a lot more comfortable, and probably liberated that you're raising the next generation of boy who does care about others and understands healthy emotions.

The circumcision thing is a big one. It sounds like his family push boundaries often.

It's ok to cut toxic people out of your life or limit exposure. It's scary and hard but it's doable and for the best.

[quote Sleeplessemma]@BakedBeansBang, I think it will be a constant annoyance if I’m honest, but I do firmly believe in bodily autonomy and that’s a choice he can make when he understands. I’ve seen a few academic presentations on genital cutting and to me their is 0 benefit from infantile circumcision only the potential for harm caused. So I will not waver on this, don’t you worry![/quote]
That's great to hear. Sorry that you will have hassle for it though.

I grew up with a younger brother (2 years younger). We fought physically occasionally but only scraps and never after he was over about 10 years old. I now have 4 boys and they never fight physically as I would not tolerate it. Yes, they argue but overall have good relationships.

Congratulations OP 😊

I'm 5'3 and DH is 5'10 - our son is 14 and 5'10, following 75th centile for height since birth despite being 6lbs 15oz, our daughter is 8 and has followed the 9th/25th since birth even though she was 7lbs 2oz.

My son can be violent (he's Autistic) but he's never hurt or targeted his sister and if he was I wouldn't be turning a blind eye. That's down to poor parenting/lack of support if your brother had additional needs that weren't identified.

I also have a younger brother and whilst we did knock lumps out of each other sometimes when we were younger we were and still are, close now as adults.

@BakedBeansBang

I think your biggest issue here is pressure to circumcise. Please stand firm and do not allow this mutilation.

I agree strongly.

Congratulations OP. Its perfectly natural to have a preference - but your little DS will have his own personality and will be the final piece of your family.

Based on your experiences of your family I can see why you feel this way.

To share my experience: I am an older sister to a brother - significant age gap as well. He's one of my best friends, and we've really been there for each other over the years. As kids we did run about and squabble which annoyed my mom a lot, but it was drilled into us that we were family, that we should be there for each other. I don't know what the key ingredient is in why we get along, but we always have - despite the silly fights about the TV!

@EvilOnion, my worry is the low birth weight and the height thing, at 20 months it’s impossible to measure her, the charts are lying down til 2 and then standing up and she’s just a wiggle. She fits nicely in 12/18 so she can’t be that small as they go up to 86/87cm. But the worry is always there and the guilt too.

My brother has no additional needs, he just in his core isn’t a very nice person. Whilst the violence died down early 20s, mainly because I think he knew I’d press charges, he used to steal. And I’m not talking petty theft he’d take thousands with no consequences. He’s very much been mollycoddled and his behaviour been excused.
He definitely lacks empathy for other people too.

My daughter was small. Born 50th percentile but lost a fair bit and only got back to birthweight at 4 weeks which took her down to 9th percentile where she has stayed. She is now 20 months and still a wee titch compared to her peers but meeting all her milestones and there are no concerns about her. I just gave birth to her wee brother and he was a chunky 9lb1oz, most unexpected! He weighs more at 3 weeks than she did at 3 months. So big boys can follow small girls!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply! You’ve all made me feel so much better, so just wanted to say thank you

I think you will be a great mum and raise great children just by looking at your childhood experience and reading your concerns. You won't make the mistakes your family has made. My brother was also coddled and my parents are feeling the effect but we still have a great relationship and we always played together when young as we were close in age and even to this day, he will support me. He had my back in school and no one ever dared to bully me. He was spoilt more and got away with some things but I can look at him and see from his experience to not do the same with my son.

I really wanted a girl as they are more compliant and much more easier I thought but fast forward 2.5 years, I have an hyperactive, cheeky and extremely cute little man that lights up anyone that he encounters with his great positive energy. He is loving, cuddly, cute, affectionate and yes bloody hard work as he is hyperactive and can be destructive. I now won't have it any other way and I won't change a thing if I had the chance because he is amazing but I am very firm with him as I don't want to make the same mistakes as my mother and father did. Kids adapt to what you teach and show them and being firm and consistent will help shape them. You could also have another girl that could be violent as I remember from my neighbours kids where the older sister used to beat the crap out of the younger sister and my mum had to intervene many times when we were in the park and they were unsupervised.

With family, make sure you place firm boundaries as they can try spoil him more just be very firm with that, your kids and your choices. As for circumcision, I chose not to do it at birth mainly because I was ill after birth and my lo had jaundice for ages and many hospital trips and we missed the opportunity where they don't feel pain for the first few weeks. I wish I did it back then, now I'm thinking of when is the right time.

I really wanted a girl as they are more compliant and much more easier I thought

So funny the assumptions we make before the fact! Our boy is very gentle and compliant, our girl is very stubborn and vocal about what she wants!

Girls?

Compliant?!

@shhplease there is never a right time to chop bits off of your baby for the sake of it and it's ridiculous to think that newborn babies don't feel pain! They scream with a heel prick FFS 🤦‍♀️

Your stereotyped view is also bizarre, girls are not "more compliant" - females are expected by society to do as they're told and toe the line. They're certainly not born that way.

You are going to be raising him so you can mould him in to a balanced boy/man. Do not let anyone pressure you in to doing something to your child that you think is not right for them.

I love my boy, he is surrounded by 4 sisters and another sister on the way. We're waiting on an ASD assessment for him but he is highly intelligent. Yes he can have violent outbursts but the girls are worse than he is, they have little spats but I never let it get out of hand.

Hi Sleeplessemma, I just wanted to add my anecdote. I have a younger brother and we were very close as children- and still are. When we were small, we did fight from time to time (hitting each other etc) but always made up afterwards. Even during the age range where we sometimes fought, my overwhelming memory is a feeling of love for him; that we were a team. As we grew up we were protective of each other- sometimes there were things that he was scared of, so I supported him (or did the scary thing for him!) and sometimes I was scared, so he stepped up for me. We played intricate imaginative games, and made up stories to tell each other on long car journeys etc. I am so, so glad to have my brother as a sibling.

It sounds like yours will have a good age difference to have a good chance of a close relationship as they grow up.

I can see how knowing one unpleasant male would make you wary of the same dynamic happening in your own family. But I know so many lovely, sensitive, caring, thoughtful men. My brother, my partner, my uncle, several male friends... I have every confidence that you will raise your little boy to be a wonderful human and that neither his sister nor you will have any need to be frightened of him

I'm glad you will stand up for your son with regard to circumcision. Any body modification can wait until he is old enough to consent to it, if he does decide he wants to.

I’ve chatted to my husband and he does want him circumcised at some point. He’s worried he’d get made fun of, but he’s firmly against infantile circumcision. I’ve made the point to hubby, circumcision done young can cause some more serious deformities (not sure if that’s the right word) that would be way worse and if our son is a pre teen or teen and raises it, we can explain what the procedure is and he can decide if we wants it done.

I’ve looked it up from an Islamic point of view and there seems to be 2 points at which it can be done ; 7 days after birth which ain’t happening or at puberty which is something I’m much more willing to considers.

I was a very small child, not even on the growth charts for a long time. My mum is about 7 stone wet through. My slightly older brother was, and is enormous. As an adult he is about six and a half feet tall. He is the most gentle and caring person. He would never dream of laying a finger on anyone. He has always enjoyed using his height to help people. He will reach something down off a high shelf or carry a heavy bag for someone without a moment's hesitation.

Your son will be himself, a lovely little boy and a wonderful young man, because you will love him and show him how to be kind and respectful to everyone. Yes, there are some violent and abusive men on the world, but as the mum of two sons I hope that by showing them love, kindness and respect I can raise two young men who will treat others in the same way.