People predicting that my baby will be difficult

[Itsinthestars]

Just got off the phone to a friend and once again I got all the "not to panic you" comments but "all second children are much more needy and harder work than the first" or "you've had it so easy the first time, you have no idea what's coming to you" and lots of scaremongering.

DS1 was very easy (I never bragged about it as I was badly anxious for his whole first year and still found it tough, so it was just people's observations) He slept through very early on, rarely cried, was happy to just sit and play etc.

What people don't know is it took me years to feel ready to conceive again as my anxiety only lets me see the worst case scenario and I am convinced that the next one will indeed be very difficult and I am so worried I won't cope.

I have to put a lot of energy daily into yoga, exercise, good sleep hygiene, meditation etc to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

But everytime my pregnancy is mentioned, these are the comments I get from friends and family and I just want to cry. I know it sounds stupid and most people would laugh it off.

Anyone else gets the same? How do you not let it get to you?

If it is any help at all my second child is just about to turn 17. She has always been an absolute star. I have just come off the phone for her college parents evening smiling. I was told what a delight she is to have in the classroom. She has always been like this.
Ignore them all.

I thought everyone said that second babies were much easier? That was certainly my experience. I think you’re much more confident with your second baby and you’re already used to a small person ruling the roost! Second babies tend to fit in with the routine you’ve already established. Take no notice of the doommongers.

I wouldn’t pay attention to them op!
I was the second child and I was apparently a breeze!
You know what your doing this time round you’ll be fine

Goodness what's wrong with people? Just ignore those comments.

FYI - my second baby was a very cuddly, smiley and laid back little boy. PP is right second babies do tend to fit right in.

Congratulations and enjoy your babies (1 and 2) :)

These people are not actually your friends. Friends do not say nasty things to you.
I’d just reply with ‘well we will see, all children are different!’

Don't pay any attention to that sort of stuff,

Dd was harder work in the beginning but only because she had undiagnosed allergies. She's much easier overall than her older brother was.

Thank you so much for responding, good stories really help, your DD sounds amazing. I feel quite tearful but also quite angry, it's like they want me to dread something that should be a happy event. Such a negative thing to say in response to happy news as well. Urgh. Then my baby kicks and instead of finding it lovely I question whether they are moving too much and whether it is a sign of things to come. I really want to enjoy my pregnancy and not feel like this. But maybe it's not them, it's me!

My second baby is by far the easiest! Don't listen.

Second children are easier!

I am so overwhelmed by all the lovely responses ! Thank you for understanding and making me feel better!

2nd babies are easier because you don't get that "I have no idea what I'm meant to do with a baby" feeling that you get with the first one!

Personality wise - who knows.. my 2nd dd has a different personality from my eldest, and the challenge parenting her is just different from the first (not any easier or harder).

My 2nd was way easier than my first. For lots of reasons. Either way, they are both awesome.

I was so stressed with my first that the first six months felt like it lasted a decade. Everything was a struggle - getting her to feed, sleep, settle when it came to start nursery, all of it.

My second arrived two years pretty much to the day from my first. We combination fed from the beginning and he slept for six hours the first night. All the things it took time to learn and feel comfortable with first go around worked fine with the second. DS is a chilled, happy boy who brought joy into our lives from the beginning. DD wasn't a tough child in temperament but just the logistics of settling her into a routine that worked with her and keeping her happy.

Don't let this person spoil your pregnancy, especially if you're thinking you're only going to have two (not judging either way, but we were very sure two was our ideal so in the back of my mind during everything was a feeling of 'enjoy this and soak it up now because it's the last time').

No one can predict how babies are going to be. However, you've done it once, so at least second time round you'll have half an idea of what to do. You've said that you need to really work on keeping your own anxiety in check. Have you spoken to your GP or midwives about how you're feeling? There might be networks you can be signposted to for support.

Ignore your friends as you don't know what you'll get until it's arrived! My first baby was pretty good and my second even better. I do know people whose children have gone from being easy to trickier, and vice versa.

To my mind, the main things that determine a baby's happiness, apart from nature, are the family relationships they have and the stability/structure of their lives. You control both these things so don't let your 'friends' undermine this They are probably just jealous.

It's really annoying isn't it! Everyone keeps saying this to me. I just tell them they're talking a load of bullshit because I'm a second child and my mum said I was the easiest baby she'd ever encountered. Only cried when I wanted feeding or changing, and settled straight away after she provided what I needed.

Honestly there's really no pattern at all but people do like to say something if only to say something.

I wonder if you'd consider being honest with them and saying, look I really struggle when you say that. I need to try not to be anxious about it and it would really help me if we could talk positively about it.

I really think people will feel sorry for what they've said very flippantly and then go out of their way to be supportive to you. It fixes the problem for the rest of your pregnancy. They're in the wrong and there's no shame in telling them honestly how it makes you feel xx

Total opposite for us. Our 1st girl was hard work and a sickly baby too. 2nd was a very content happy but huge boy, he slept 8 hours the night he was born and I got told off by the midwife in the morning, sorry love I was sparko too.
Our other 3 girls were not hard work either and the youngest 2 are twins, hoping number 6 will slot in like the others did.

I think experience has a big impact on things and you've got plenty of that now.

I got told this about my third. I have no idea why people feel the need to say things like that. Most kids are a nightmare at some point makes no difference where they are in the birth order. My son has recently had his second and he is the most laid back baby I know.

I hope it's not true, my first was so difficult - terrible sleeper, fussy eater, EPIC tantrums, I'm praying the second one is easier and just slots into family life without kicking up too much of a fuss!

My DS2 was my calmest baby and still is my most chilled teenager - just ignore your friends

People say all manner of random statements when you are pregnant. Try your best to ignore them!

My second was a worse sleeper than my first, easier in other ways, but on the whole fairly similar. I coped much better second time round with the sleep deprivation (even though it was objectively worse) because I was less anxious and not suffering from insomnia.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Meant in the nicest way possible, I think this is also partly down to your own anxiety. By your own admission, you were very anxious when you had a relatively easy baby. So I wonder perhaps if these are the things you are focusing on when the people you are talking to would say they aren't being all doom and gloom.

I have had two children and the best way to describe them is that they are different. A lot of circumstances were totally different in my life. Pregnancy was worse with my second but the labour was better. My youngest was a very difficult baby, easy going toddler. Youngest was an easier baby but I found the toddler years harder (mainly due to circumstances rather than his personality). I was very lucky to have two who slept through from very early on as well. That was my worst fear.

Why do you put up with people who talk such nonsense? I fear they are mostly women, which is sad news.

Just tell them to stop talking boring horseshit. Losing 'friends' like these is no loss.

I think if you can bear to then hinting just a little bit at your anxiety about this will make this stop entirely - people aren't trying to be cruel. I think it is a common joke to say that someone with a really easy first will have a nightmare second - and it makes the people with nightmare firsts feel less hard done if we collectively pretend it will cosmically balance out - but I really don't think people would say it if they really realised it was upsetting you.