FTM - managing excited grandparents!

[Tilly18101]

Hi there!

FTM to be here (14 weeks at the minute) my DH and I have now told everyone we are expecting after we had our 12 week scan, and we’ve a lot of very excited family as this is the first grandchild and baby in the family.

This past week I’ve been getting increasingly annoyed (is that the right word maybe frustrated is better?) about my mum (dad not so much he goes with the flow) and in laws dropping not only their opinions/advice and name suggestions but plans to visit us, how long they’ll stay once baby is here but not only that arguing over Christmas and how long we will visit each of them of them for!

Now we usually do all the travelling at Christmas being child free and pet free, it’s much easier for us to pack up and drive 2-3 hours and stay a few nights before heading home, and we’ve done this for all family for the last 15 years we’ve been together. However this Christmas I’ll have maybe a 6 or 8 week old baby and I just dread the thought of packing up my house and a baby and travelling around, so I’ve politely said ‘I am not committing to anything at all and it’s likely I’ll be having Christmas at home, and if you want to see us and the baby you are welcome over’

To which I did not get a good response back and I feel like I am now being made to feel guilty! I’ve also had to shut down name suggestion comments from both sides naming after passed away family members, choices on breast feeding v bottle, and constant questions about how I am feeling, and touching my stomach! I’m so overwhelmed and I’ve tried to set boundaries and just shrug it off but it’s really getting to me. I know they mean well and they are just so excited, but I feel like I am going to explode and it’s going to be really stressful the next 5-6 months waiting for baby to arrive.

Sorry to rant and this is long winded, think I just needed to say it when I feel like I can’t with my family as it’s so touchy right now!! Any advice on how you handled it would be so welcome! I don’t want to be rude and upset people but I equally don’t want to be coerced into doing things I don’t want to because I feel guilty.

Thank you xx

My parents and in laws are exactly the same (I’m 18 weeks) but I just let it go over my head, they are just excited. At the end of the day, we will do what we want as we are the parents. We are 300 miles from both our parents and Christmas has been mentioned but we just say we haven’t thought that far away, the baby will only be 3 months!

We have already decided on a name for both but won’t be telling anyone as I know they’ll be comments as it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

both sexes there’s only 1 baby

@Thefaceofboe

My parents and in laws are exactly the same (I’m 18 weeks) but I just let it go over my head, they are just excited. At the end of the day, we will do what we want as we are the parents. We are 300 miles from both our parents and Christmas has been mentioned but we just say we haven’t thought that far away, the baby will only be 3 months!

We have already decided on a name for both but won’t be telling anyone as I know they’ll be comments as it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.

Thanks @Thefaceofboe I think I just need to the same but I find it so hard as it’s like a constant nag at me!

We aren’t revealing our name choices either for that reason!

You're absolutely right to shut down the xmas talk right now. You may feel up to travelling but you may not. My baby ended up back in hospital at week 4. Literally no way I would have been moving around at that time. However second baby was a breeze and that would have been fine. Right now there's no way to know how you'll feel. Definitely refuse to make any firm plans til after the baby is born.

Unfortunately this is part and parcel of being pregnant (i've realised). People for some reason think it's ok to weigh in with opinions and questions that would be considered rude at any other time. 'you're going to breastfeed arent you?' 'how's your weight?' 'you don't look as round as I expected' 'you're huge' - honestly it makes me feel like i'm just a walking bump to people instead of myself, but just learnt to let it wash over me and change the topic to non pregnacy related things swiftly.

Definitely shut down the Christmas talk. At the end of the day, it's just a day and the health and wellbeing of you and your baby is the most important thing. Family should understand that! I'm dreading this Christmas but wont be made to feel guilty about whatever plans we decide are best for us.

Your baby is lucky to have two sets of excited grandparents who want to be involved.
Lots of families would be extremely envious
Let all the chatter wash over you - it will pass over, tell them you can’t discuss Xmas at this point and enjoy your pregnancy !

When the pregnancy is still new, there's not a whole lot to talk about - so unfortunately excited grandparents/family/friends start forgetting themselves or try to be "helpful" to fill the gap of things to discuss! I found it eased off a bit when there was something to actually talk about or steer the conversation towards, like the 20 week scan, midwife appointments, shopping for the pram etc. My mum telling me the same out of date advice for the 36th time or my MIL announcing to everyone baby would be born on a specific date that was important to her (also 3 weeks before my due date ) always seemed to happen between appointments when there was real things you can discuss. When you can steer the conversation more it makes it easier.

You've said your bit about Christmas, so if they bring it up again I'd suggest just saying something neutral like "we're not making any plans for after (due date) yet, I've got so much else to think about at the moment I can't even think about anything after then!".

Also a friend told me to never share baby names until it's a done deal - she gave me this advice when she had her first who is now 10, and it's stuck with me. I don't care if they don't like the name, but once it's attached to a cute baby they will come to like it from the association with the baby. It takes someone very rude to look a baby in the face and say "(name) is horrible!". I've stuck with saying "oh, DH and I have a list each, we're still trying to find a name that's on both lists but nothing yet!"

Thanks all, I know I sound so ungrateful to have two sets of very excited parents and I honestly don’t mean too! I am very glad we have so much support and love, especially as some people don’t have any.

I think it’s just the constant nagging to make and commit plans that I feel like I am being railroaded into committing too, and then if I do and have to let them down I know I’d feel even worse about it. I’ll definitely take your advice on just being firm in my ‘not making plans!’

I just didn’t realised how much advice or how many opinions I would receive being pregnant - you’re right in that I don’t feel like me, I’m just the person with a baby in my belly right now but I also don’t want to let anyone down - suppose I am just completely overwhelmed!

I had my baby in October and we stayed home for Christmas - I couldn't think of anything more stressful than trying to pack up my 10 week old baby and go to someone else's house for the day! We had 1/2 the family over for Christmas brunch and 1/2 came for Boxing Day. If they do come to yours, don't feel like you need to cook Christmas dinner either!

Just say you thought of either Keir or Boris if it's a boy, whichever they would find most abhorrent.

EVERYONE will have an opinion on every decision you make for this baby and they'll love to tell you why their opinion is the right one. It used to wind me up but someone said to me one day - listen, nod, walk away and do it your way anyway.

It's up to you how much actual info you divulge about the pregnancy and that can help minimise the input you get from others too.

As for Christmas - maintain that you don't know what you'll be doing at that point or what you'll feel up to doing - and if a family Christmas in your own home is what you want then stick to your guns and go with that.

It's your baby and your way so don't be railroaded by anyone, regardless of how well meaning your they are.

Our family is just the same, Christmas has not been mentioned but I am dreading it. So far we have talked about names we like in general but avoided mentioning our top picks. If someone mentions a family name we have said that middle names have already been chosen - this did cause some tension.

In terms of Christmas I would just tell them to back off, you will have a young baby and have already said they are all welcome.

Just try and let it wash over you and nod vaguely/make non committed comments. I would actually have felt ok travelling at 6-8 weeks (we travelled 2 hours at 3 weeks and it was totally fine, nice to see everyone even). Noone expected us to do that though - it was always "come if you feel able to".

Just to reiterate what others have said - don't tell anyone the name!! For the reasons above plus you might change your mind. We were set on a name for DD but then when she got here we decided on something different.

I had a similar thing mainly with my mum, was quite opinionated on my views and reacted very badly when I said I wasn't committing to when we would have visits because of covid etc. The last trimester especially we had 'words' on more than one occasion, however since baby has been here it's been totally different and she's been amazing. So maybe just don't engage in conversation with them about any plans, remain non committal about Christmas and anything else, but hopefully when the baby is actually here they will calm down and be lead by you. Sometimes the thought of things is worse than the reality, so for them they might be expecting this wonderful first baby Christmas but when that actually rolls around the reality of coming to you will be much easier for them to accept

Everyone will try and wade in and have an opinion, hopefully it’s just because they’re excited but please do set your boundaries out from the beginning. It’s an incredibly exciting time but it’s your first baby and for you to experience and process first and foremost before feeling beholden to anyone else.

If you set out expectations and compromises then that’s something which will work for everyone and cause you a lot less stress. I didn’t lay out boundaries initially so MIL took over quite negatively. When we eventually did raise it with her, she took it so personally that she’s now ignoring us and messaged to say she wouldn’t be getting DS a card for his first birthday.

My parents and PIL loved coming up with name suggestions and asked every time we spoke if we'd decided yet, not much time to decide etc etc. After a few weeks of this we made up a very obviously fake name (along the lines of Britney Beyonce Kevin) just repeatedly said that was out name of choice. they all knew that it wouldn't be, but somehow it seemed to get the message across whereas I know there would have been tears if we have just said 'we'll be deciding and not discussing it with you'.

Re Christmas- my advice would be rather than saying you're not making plans to say that you ARE making plans to stay at home just the 3 of you on Christmas day. I found that 'not making any plans' was interpreted as 'please make some for me'.

Just keep repeating, muttering yourself that they should grow the fuck up. You get to choose how you run your life. Having a baby doesnt suddenly mean the inlaws are in charge - the baby will be!

And tatmas is seven months away. Ridiculous to make any plans that far ahead.

Thank you all. I just don’t think I realised how much everyone would involve themselves, I don’t do centre of attention at all so it’s a big shock to my system. As nice as it is to be asked how I am, it’s allllll the time and now I just say OK as I don’t want to go into the nitty gritty details that I feel awful, I’m not sleeping, my nausea is horrible and I want to punch my husband in the face as everyone gives me the what I should or shouldn’t be doing right now! Gosh I sound so whiney - I promise I’m not I think the hormones and lack of sleep are getting to me, as well as the constant talking. Hopefully I’ll have a bit more to talk about after the 20 week scan!

I’ll definitely be more committed on the we are having Xmas at home, and that’s that so the grandparents have that clear now and that I don’t want them to make plans for us!

@Sugaryouth so sorry your MIL is now not sending a card to your DS that’s really tough :(

I never realised until I got pregnant just how many opinions people had about pregnancy and babies! I'm 28 weeks now and I'm tuning a lot of it out but it is draining! Regarding names we've been asked a few times but we've just said we aren't deciding until the baby is here and that's that! Just saves all the drama lol.
As for the Christmas thing just say you'll decide once baby is here as you don't know how you'll be. Thing is I think our parents have forgotten what it's like to have a tiny baby as it was so long ago and they look back with Rose tinted glasses but just be firm and say you'll decide once your baby is here. Good luck! X

I think it's nice that both sets of parents are super excited I have exactly the same, equally I am finding it more and more frustrating. All the advice, they are telling me they plan on taking time of work when baby arrives so they can visit loads. It's very important to set boundaries early doors there's no need to be rude but equally you don't want to let people walk all over you being pregnant/having a new born is tiring enough without having to worry about upsetting other people.

Congratulations and good luck

My first baby i found my mum and his side of the family, particulary his granny and mum really annoying. Tbh I was able and felt comfortable enough to tell my mum to back off and she did but obviously didnt feel I could be as upfront with his side.

We started just telling people we had a name and wernt revealing it. This led away from the suggestions to oh just tell us, but once they realised we wernt telling, all the name chatter stopped. We didnt even have a name till he was here.

Visiting in the hospital was awful too MIL got to visit first which put my mum out. And then theres the omg he looks like our 'insert family members name here' which pissed me off to no end lol! You just gotta let the stuff go, luckily I could vent to my partner without him getting offended, and he often felt the same way but I was defo more irratible and intolerant towards it all but hey i was the pregnant one lol! This times been much easier COVID has literally gave me an excuse to see no one and socialise on my terms. Good luck its a long slog but you'll get there.

Thank you so much for your replies, I’m glad I’m not the only one - it’s so nice to have so much excitement but equally frustrating at the same time!

Dealing with the name chat, that’s such a good way to be firm in saying we have one but won’t be revealing - I’ll stick with that from now on and how that sets that boundary.

There is definitely some rose tinted glasses view from their point, and I have lots of mum friends who’ve already done this and very recently amd I know just hard it was for them. My best friend gave me great advice, no overnight stays from anyone until baby is in a somewhat routine, no visits over 2-3 hours first few months, if you or baby are asleep tough, they rearrange, and they make the brews and bring the biscuits - she set those rules and it really helped her know how long visits were for and not feel guilty.

That's not excitement, that's intrusion.
You need to be firm and set the expectations clearly.
Don't forget you hold all the power now as you are the gate keeper ro the grandchild.
Don't let them stress you out.

I have been through this and it is hard. I think it’s worse for you because lockdown means there is nothing else happening in anyone’s life. You are the god need they have been waiting for. Try and let it go. It’s not going to stop when the baby is here but it might calm down when people get their lives back.