FTM - managing excited grandparents!

[Tilly18101]

Hi there!

FTM to be here (14 weeks at the minute) my DH and I have now told everyone we are expecting after we had our 12 week scan, and we’ve a lot of very excited family as this is the first grandchild and baby in the family.

This past week I’ve been getting increasingly annoyed (is that the right word maybe frustrated is better?) about my mum (dad not so much he goes with the flow) and in laws dropping not only their opinions/advice and name suggestions but plans to visit us, how long they’ll stay once baby is here but not only that arguing over Christmas and how long we will visit each of them of them for!

Now we usually do all the travelling at Christmas being child free and pet free, it’s much easier for us to pack up and drive 2-3 hours and stay a few nights before heading home, and we’ve done this for all family for the last 15 years we’ve been together. However this Christmas I’ll have maybe a 6 or 8 week old baby and I just dread the thought of packing up my house and a baby and travelling around, so I’ve politely said ‘I am not committing to anything at all and it’s likely I’ll be having Christmas at home, and if you want to see us and the baby you are welcome over’

To which I did not get a good response back and I feel like I am now being made to feel guilty! I’ve also had to shut down name suggestion comments from both sides naming after passed away family members, choices on breast feeding v bottle, and constant questions about how I am feeling, and touching my stomach! I’m so overwhelmed and I’ve tried to set boundaries and just shrug it off but it’s really getting to me. I know they mean well and they are just so excited, but I feel like I am going to explode and it’s going to be really stressful the next 5-6 months waiting for baby to arrive.

Sorry to rant and this is long winded, think I just needed to say it when I feel like I can’t with my family as it’s so touchy right now!! Any advice on how you handled it would be so welcome! I don’t want to be rude and upset people but I equally don’t want to be coerced into doing things I don’t want to because I feel guilty.

Thank you xx

The other option is to steer the conversation to things you are happy to talk about, such as prams and furniture for babies room, you don't have to take their advice but will give them something they feel like they can look at but not as importantly names and feeding. Christmas is difficult one, I had my second in November so the plan was to go to my parents on the day (local) and in laws (couple of hours away) come for a couple of days after as didn't want to pack 2 children up but covid meant we didn't get any of it. It's hard to know what will be right for you but actually it might be nice to go to parents who will do all the coo off etc and you just focus on the baby. You need to do what right for you though so don't make any promises and enjoy it honestly it is lovely that they are all so involved ; my in laws really weren't/ aren't and it's frustrating)

Ahhh, sounds exactly like my situation! The only positive for me is I don’t have the Christmas issue (yet) because they all stay relatively close to me. My husband’s parents don’t usually do much for Christmas at all so we see them in the morning then have dinner with my family at night. As selfish as it is, that’s what I’m comfortable with and it’s what I hope happens this year too 🤣 we are much closer to my family than his, which I think happens anyway but his family really don’t make much effort to ever offer to help with anything etc. We have dogs and they live 2 minutes away and don’t work yet would never offer to come and let them out for us. Would never pick us up or run us anywhere etc whereas my parents bend over backwards trying to help us. I feel like just because someone’s had a baby you can’t suddenly want to be really involved just so you can take my baby 🤦🏼‍♀️ Luckily I’ve managed to play the covid rules to my advantage and haven’t had the belly touching thing yet, fearing it will come! And I don’t mind being pregnant at all or how I look but I feel a bit weird about it getting constantly commenting on. His mum also tells everyone in her street (and the local supermarket etc) other people’s personal business - especially medical info for some reason! She has told me about god knows how many hospital results of people in her street that I’ve never even met. She casually dropped into conversation the other day that she was telling a random person in the supermarket that I had to go for a second scan after 20 weeks because of the baby’s position. It turned out the random person she was telling knew me so she had to tell me this. I hadn’t even told close friends about going for another scan. I just feel really self conscious about the fact you are literally discussing insides, the insides of my uterus nonetheless with randoms in the street 🙄 The main part I’m dreading is coming home from the hospital, feeling and looking awful and probably just wanting my bed and having her turn up. She’s so inappropriate as well she’d probably make a comment about how I look, she has zero filter whatsoever. I’m going to try to buy myself a few days and get my husband to ask her to come on a set day so she doesn’t just waltz in. I know they will need to meet him just the same as my parents but as I saw someone else on here say, if you came out of hospital after an operation, its your mum who would be there looking after you. She certainly wouldn’t yet when I feel that bad she’ll be plonking herself down on my sofa expecting cups of tea 😂😩

She also asked about names the other day. To which I casually dismissed it and pretended we haven’t really discussed names yet (when we actually have it picked, things made up in that name, the lot)! She then went on to tell us about her cousins grand child who has just been born and they’ve called him Alfie. Luckily Alfie isn’t the name we have picked but it’s perfectly nice, inoffensive name and she doesn’t know that’s not what we like. She then went on to say multiple times how she doesn’t like that name. I told her that was my husbands favourite at one point just to spite her 😂 he did actually like it!! But I thought, how do you know we don’t both absolutely love that name when she knows ours is a boy? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Don't tell them that you have a baby name already and never, ever, reveal it before the baby is born. Just tell them you are undecided about it and are still thinking about names. Otherwise they will try to get you to tell them the name, far better to hear the awful names they will suggest. Make a game of it with your Dh.

Re Christmas I would set their expectations now. Tell them you are planning your first Christmas at home just the 3 of you. Work out if you are happy for them to come to you and on what days, you decide, not them.

The phrase you need to use is "we'll think about it" which will apply to everything. Learn now that you and Dh are a team, talk with him about how you feel about visits after giving birth etc. He will be the one to stand the ground on your behalf.

And congratulations

@Jenpy you are so right, there is literally no other news right now. Even my sister who has been so great was like I told my boss as I have nothing else to talk about, haha!

@mimofboy2 you’re right it’s so nice that they want to be involved, I’m sure I’d be equally frustrated if they had no interest at all. Good point on the other conversation, my mum has offered to buy our park for us so I might leave her with that to review them all to save me doing it and keep her busy there.

@sarah13xx that my worst fear, my in laws plonking themselves round and expecting all the teas! They do it now, anytime they’ve visited before they don’t lift a finger - not that I mind if I’m hosting but they don’t even offer, they just sit there expecting tea/biscuits and the wine to be poured! I’d lose it if they did that once we have the baby, but hopefully they won’t as they’ll know how hard it is. The names that are being suggested just aren’t our taste either, we’re similar nod and smile but I might be saying things like oh that’s DH’s fav if they pull faces! We’ve pretty much got a good idea on names but being open until we meet baby, but I certainly don’t want any suggestions from other people!

I really hope this is just Covid excitement like you say, and it’ll calm down once things get more ‘normal’ and I am bottom of the pile on things to talk about, fully dreading seeing people with a bump and having peoples hands on me. My DH did suggest if they do it to me, I should equally put my hands straight on their tummy back and not say anything until it gets really awkward - did quite like that idea!

Omg putting your hands on their belly is the best idea! 🤣😩 If covid wasn’t a thing I think it would have happened to me loads of times by now but I just say I can’t do hugs or anything.. so no way are you touching my belly 🙈 Never once have I touched a pregnant persons belly, I just don’t get it! The only person I tell to touch mine is my husband, to feel him kicking. Thinking of other people and looking at the situation from the outside in, I think it’s that thing with a baby being due where everyone’s goes on and on about it then when it’s born there’s a big fuss over meeting it and getting a picture. Then realistically it all dies down (I hope) 🙈 I’m such a private person and feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing. It’s my mum who mentions the breastfeeding though, as well as how he will sleep etc (when the rules were outdated about 30 years ago). But luckily I can put her in her place! I haven’t actually had the chance to put a comment in about breastfeeding yet but I will! I hate the idea of people even asking if I’m breastfeeding when they come to visit him, especially his mum and dad 🙈 like you are talking about my boobs here, it really shouldn’t be anyone else’s business and I would never dare ask anyone else! As long as I feel okay about it in hospital (and want to) I’m going to give colostrum for the first few days then hopefully switch to bottles. People really don’t need to know his info though 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I understand. My first pregnancy was overbearing for the exact reasons your explaining.

I shut it down fast with our second. I told them nothing, no names, no plans, no nothing. I humoured them by listening and basically taking the piss. Eg yes DH is going to be breast feeding, he's getting bone of the vests with milk pouches. We're going to call it Percy Jackson, James Bond, Pippy Longstocking etc etc. We're not doing Christmas now, we want our baby to decide it's own religious beliefs. We're bringing it up gender fluid etc. It just went on and on. They got more and more annoyed with us but we explained we had to chose what we wanted for our baby. Too much input from others was not a good thing.

They were given time slots to visit baby in hospital in the first 24 hours and then we went home and asked for privacy for the first few days/week. Phones were turned off, notice on the door etc.

It shut them all down pretty fast! Baby came, we were and still are very grateful for their help but boundaries we're established early doors. I wish we had done it with our first.

@sarah13xx oh god the breastfeeding comments are yet to come, but I’ve already decided that I’ll be using formula and bottles. I’m a highly anxious person as it is, and I just couldn’t cope with me doing all the feeds, or trying to monitor intake - I like to be in control and I feel like bottles is the way for me to keep some sanity in what’s being drunk etc which you don’t get with breastfeeding. I’ve had friends relish breastfeeding and wouldn’t go any other way, and others be absolutely miserable and really impacted them. I’d absolutely hate someone to challenge me on my body and how I plan to feed my baby. I was formula fed and it didn’t do me any harm!

@Youaremypenguin I’m sorry your first pregnancy was so over baring, but so glad you shut it down for the 2nd. I’m hoping I can do similar, and I think I’d love the same the first few days home just me hubby and our pets, just us as a family but I just know it’ll cause uproar so it might have to only be the first day/night!

I’m not posting anything about my pregnancy on social media, and have given very strict instructions that nothing is to go on there (MIL loves to tag me in articles related to my hobby or work so I was very clear as worried she would tag me in baby ones!) so I’m hoping that we can keep it to immediate family the first few days before we introduce baby to everyone else and schedule in visits!

Love suggesting we will name the baby James Bond 😂

Yeah exactly! Well at least you know the comments won’t come from your mum when she bottle fed. I feel like I was wanting to only bottle feed and then the comments, books, videos etc have all kept harping on about breastfeeding so I’m like could I just do a few days of colostrum (and take the premade bottles into hospital) but I have come to that decision based on pressure 🤔 I think my midwife will ask what my preference is before I have him and I’m going to make it clear I might give it a go but don’t want midwives constantly trying to ram him onto my boob if he arrives and I’m just not at all comfortable with it. I also need a section so just thinking I’ll still be paralysed from the waist down, feeling uncomfortable then to add to it my nipples will probably start bleeding and my boobs will be agony 🙈 Between the pain factor, the fact you don’t know how much they’re getting, the fact I couldn’t feed him in public because I’d be so embarrassed and also the sleep issue.. I just don’t think it’s for me 🙄 But in my mum’s head she did it and it ‘wasn’t that bad’, even though she’s looking back on a distant memory from 30 years ago. I’d rather be emotionally stable and be able to actually get into some form of routine and enjoy my maternity leave with him rather than feel so anxious, embarrassed and sleep deprived the whole time 🙈

Stand your ground, this issue will always come up with endless unwanted advice.

Smile sweetly and ignore!

@Youaremypenguin hospital visiting won’t be a thing because of covid but that sounds like the dream. If you allow them into your house once, they’ll come every day 🤦🏼‍♀️ Hoping my husband can give them a set day, a few days after we get home to come. Was almost thinking of not announcing he’d arrived til as late as possible just to try and let me recover a bit before it all starts 🙈