Twin death

[nicole2398]

My twin passed away today at 18+5 , baby B is healthy and big and happy however they're identical and I'm worried. I'm not sure il cope with the loss of babyA and worried il hate baby B for it

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry!!
Are they going to be giving you more scans, check ups?

Yes , I had too have weekly scans however they will be making them every 2 weeks after a few weeks now

Why on earth would you hate baby b for their twin dying?! It is in no way, shape or form their fault!

Sorry for your loss.

So your being watch closely that’s good.
You won’t hate babyB for it. This has just happened today you need time to grieve.
You’ll cherish B even more.

Op I'm so very sorry.

I totally understand you are worried and concerned about how you will feel after birth..... Hopefully you will just feel relief...

Have they referred you for counselling? Is there any organisations that can help you....

Hi there, I am so dreadfully sorry for your loss. I lost a twin at 12 weeks and although much earlier completely identify with what you're saying ❤️❤️ I felt such conflicted emotions and wondered whether my baby B had somehow pushed out the other in some way, then felt terribly guilty of course. I remember almost feeling angry that that baby survived when the other hadn't. My gorgeous, amazing, beautiful son is now 8 months old and absolutely the love of my life. It was complicated when he was first born but amazing now. He is wonderful and although I still often think of the twin that could have been, mostly I just hugely enjoy my little boy and feel so, so lucky to have him. It is such a journey of emotion and not easy at all, especially at 18 weeks. But you WILL get through it and adore your baby.

Very sorry for what's happened but why would you hate your other baby for it? It's not their fault and I think that's a bit of a strange way of thinking. I think you need support and to talk things through with a professional, you've been through something traumatic.

Those who say 'have you got support' I have and very good support Thank-you , I think sometimes it just helps for an outside standpoint. And for those who think it's terrible , maybe I haven't put it correctly , but the fear of maybe having a little bit of thought in my head about baby A's death when baby B is born doesn't mean I won't love baby B more than anything. I'm sure I won't hate them but I'm worried about feeling a certain way. So don't twist words. And please don't comment 'my friends babies both died' that DOES NOT HELP and I find it quite sick too be saying that too someone who's just lost their first. BabyB is perfectly healthy

What?? You think you will hate one baby for the loss of the other as if it was their doing?
My man was a twin and his sister was still born. No one ever has ever even for 1 second assumed he was the cause of her death. I don’t understand your logic

I'm so sorry for your loss OP it must be really difficult for you, I have nothing to add as I've never experienced this but I just want to offer you a handhold 💐

I don’t think anyone needs to “understand OP’s logic” to sympathise with the shocking and tragic loss of her unborn baby and the complex emotions that might arise from it.

OP, an old boyfriend of mine was one of a set of twins in which one died in utero. Although he was born quite early himself he was perfectly healthy. I hope you get lots of support and reassurance for the remainder of your pregnancy.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I have no experience of this but I wanted to reassure you that your feelings are valid. Of course the birth of Baby B will remind you of Baby A and whilst the grief is so raw you don't know how that will make you feel. It's so brave of you to face these feelings. Hopefully you can seek counselling or even an open chat to a family member or friend which could help you understand your worries and feelings more so that when you give birth you can be more 'prepared' for any feelings you may have and how to cope with them.

I might be wrong but I think what OP might be thinking (and has put "hate" because she is obviously in hell ATM and isn't worrying about her choice of words for people who don't want to be caring....) that shell find it really hard when her baby is born and because she knows he/she looks like the baby she lost it will make all the fun times hurt a bit thinking about him/her not being there. I agree with the OP too that stories about people who've lost both their twins aren't really thoughtful when they aren't going to be what the OP wants to hear about when she needs to be strong for her baby and is a grieving mum whose pregnant.

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What @GingerAndTheBiscuits said. OP has lost a baby, she needs compassion and understanding and not judgement for the legitimate feelings she has.

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is a complicated thing, and I can only imagine even more so around twins in your situation. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but with time some of those feelings subside, become less painful and some make ‘sense’.

Take the time to grieve for BabyA. And lean on your support. When the time feels right, maybe think if there is a way you want to remember BabyA.

I’ve experienced singleton loss, so can’t add anything to the twin side of things, but just wanted to show some support .

I’m so sorry for your loss and for baby B losing its twin 💐

The responses to this thread have been horrendous, I'm sorry.

It's a very strange situation you're excited and devastated at the same time.

Can I ask do they want to try and deliver baby A or not as they're on the same placenta. You are going to need really specific grief counselling to manage this. Can I ask where you are roughly, do you have access to a FMC?

I have ID twins and was nearly in your situation and I know two who have been through the same.

What an extremely sad time for you, so many conflicting feelings and thoughts.

Keep allowing yourself to process all your feelings, perhaps keep a journal as well as talking to your support network.

I'm sure you know logically that twin pregnancies are riskier and losing one at whatever stage isn't uncommon but that doesn't make it less painful or sad or confusing.

RIP your little one and best wishes for your other baby fighting on through to term.

I'm so sorry you lost your little soul. I know how attached you get to them. You're going to have to focus on the little person inside you and try and connect now. You won't hate this little one. Just as you didn't plan to conceive twins, you didn't plan to lose one baby. This baby didn't plan to lose their brother or sister. Please don't make this their legacy - the twin they lost. While it's awfully sad, bringing this up all the time, will make this a massive hole in their life that they will never be able to fill, and that's not fair on them. They will always wonder if they were ever enough for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think it’s good that you have reached out, and I wish you all the best for the next few months. I hope you get support and advice from others who have experienced this.

And I’m sorry you have to read such careless and heartless replies on here. Truly shocking.

No one should be questioning why a Mum feels the way she does. She feels that way. That’s all that matters.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Your surviving baby is healthy which is extremely good news.
A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, her surviving baby is about 4 now. They found it very difficult to grieve for their twin amongst the happiness of having a baby but nowadays they talk about him quite openly.
Wishing you the best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

I'm so sorry for your loss... And I'm so sorry that you had to read some of the shocking comments on this thread