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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Tell him or no.

71 replies

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 18:32

I’m not due on my period for another 4 days but I decided to take a test today because I just had a feeling.
The first test was a very faint line, 2nd was digital and a clear positive.

I broke up with my husband last year and have been seeing someone very casually since February.
I’m ashamed to admit this but the one time we didn’t use a condom he asked me would it be ok (as in am I on contraception) and I say it would be ok. I do not have a clue why I did that, heat of the moment thing or just me being plain stupid.
I literally do not know him nor him me, apart from sexually. I know bits about him and he knows bits about me that’s it.

I’m not against abortion at all, and I would.
But part of me thinks I should ask him how he feels. Or should I just not say anything and he won’t know any better?

Im reading this over and know how pathetic I sound. Please go easy on me, I know what I’ve done and I know how utterly stupid I’ve been

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2021 14:36

I feel women have too much power in regard to a life!

So you'd, what? Force women to carry to term so that a random man could have the baby? That sounds medieval.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2021 16:55

@jessyjo2

I think he has every right to know. This is his child every bit as much as yours and should have as much input into the childs life.
So if op doesn't want it and dfling does, then what?
indigo27 · 20/04/2021 17:01

@Kaia20
Hey hun,
I feel that some people are being a little harsh to be honest.
I think many women have said it's fine when maybe it wasn't so- just some get away with it Scott free whilst others get caught out.
Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up- it is what it is.
To be honest I would tell him and just see what he says. Ultimately be honest and say you're unsure what you want to do but felt it was best that you at least include him in the discussion.
I know we're strangers but I really emphasise with you and if you need a chat please message me. Ultimately it is your body and your decision but might be nice to discuss it with him and at least get his thoughts.
Ignore anyone on here who just says mean stuff with no real advice- it's just unhelpful and makes you feel worse.
No one has a right to judge you- everyone has done things they regret!
Wish you all the best hun xxx

indigo27 · 20/04/2021 17:02

@Kaia20 *empathise not emphasise sorry 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

lamptastic · 20/04/2021 17:11

I'm a bit older and grumpier, I do respect you are taking responsibility for your actions but it does still sound like you trapped him. #myopinion

If you are terminating and are no way romantically or otherwise involved with this guy you don't have to tell him anything. I'm not sure what good it will bring him, except from realising how actions have consequences and may make him dislike you.

I would like to add, the morning after pill really is a useful tool, for scenarios like these. In my far younger days I bought it over the counter because I did a dumb thing, learned my lesson and avoided this exact conundrum.

WhiskyIrnBru · 20/04/2021 17:12

Yes, you made a huge mistake by saying you were on contraception (or at least implying) but equally there is shared responsibility and a man should consider his own contraception to be doubly sure!

Original poster
Kaia20 · 20/04/2021 18:16

I’m not really sure why you think I ‘trapped’ him.
I do not want his child, or anyone else’s for that matter.

I’m in no way romantically or otherwise involved with him. We have sex, that’s about it. The odd comment on each others social media posts but that’s about it. I don’t have any feelings for him, I don’t dislike him and quite like having sex with him but that’s about it.
We do use condoms, but this day we didn’t and he asked if it would be ok if he didn’t pull out (we were coming to the end of it at that point.) I wasn’t really thinking much about consequences.
We have sex. We part ways and aside from odd comment here and there that I mentioned, it’s until next time. I don’t really think much about him until I want to see him.

Having his baby would cause so many problems for me with regard to my children I already have and their father. It’s already not good as it is. I didn’t intend to become pregnant and yes, I do know the consequences, I just wasn’t really thinking much about it.

I asked about telling him because even though I will have an abortion, I feel bad about it. If he dislikes me then he dislikes me, there’s no loss but reading through posts here I’ve decided I won’t tell him anyway. I’ll just not see him again.

OP posts:
MovinOnUp · 20/04/2021 18:23

If you're having an abortion, Don't tell him.

Knackered90s · 20/04/2021 18:34

@Kaia20 I get you. Don’t worry. Like I said previously he is responsible for 50% of the contraception when you have sex. Feel free to PM me. No judgement, sounds like you need a hand hold rather than anything else. X

MadeForThis · 20/04/2021 19:06

It's your decision to have the baby or not. If you are going to abort then telling him could only bring pain and upset. Even if he agrees with you.

Totally different to a decision made in a loving relationship. You won't be hiding this lie from him forever. You hardly know him.

Bizawit · 20/04/2021 19:25

@Chelyanne

You should speak to him before making a decision about the pregnancy.
??!! What , why?

OP it’s completely your decision. If you don’t want the baby, have an abortion. No need to tell him at all.

Bizawit · 20/04/2021 19:29

Also OP you’ve done NOTHING WRONG. If he didn’t want to risk a pregnancy, wear a condom. End of. Some of the women on this thread belong in the Middle Ages.

RachelRavenR0th · 20/04/2021 19:34

Tell him nothing.

TopTabby · 20/04/2021 19:36

Your body, absolutely your decision.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2021 20:34

@TopTabby

Your body, absolutely your decision.
Absolutely.

The issue is that OP wants to tell him, even though he doesn't get a say. That just seems needlessly cruel to me.

MimiDaisy11 · 20/04/2021 21:12

Some of the responses here are just silly. If she wants to have an abortion how exactly is she trapping him or what exact plan is she undertaking?

It's your decision OP. I imagine most people wouldn't want to have a child with someone they just causally meet. So I wouldn't imagine he would be against abortion but you never know.

I really don't think you have anything to feel guilty about if you just go ahead with it and don't mention it. I think that would be best as it's not bringing him any benefits to know.

SirusTheVirus · 20/04/2021 21:20

WTF is wrong with people?!

Sending love OP

notagainmummy · 21/04/2021 11:56

The only thing that matters is what you want. If it's abortion then don't tell him. If you do and he is against abortion, he is not the one whose life will change in a major way. If you are having it anyway there is nothing to be gained.

HarleyQuinn21 · 21/04/2021 12:01

If you're having an abortion, I wouldn't tell him, he'd be none the wiser.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2021 14:54

The conclusion I've come to is that a child is a joint decision but an abortion is a medical procedure entirely on the woman's part. Therefore it's confidential medical information which no one has any right to, except the woman. There actually isn't any moral duty to disclose. It's not hypocrisy OP, it's not his information, it's yours.

MM1993 · 21/04/2021 15:17

@MrsTerryPratchett

The conclusion I've come to is that a child is a joint decision but an abortion is a medical procedure entirely on the woman's part. Therefore it's confidential medical information which no one has any right to, except the woman. There actually isn't any moral duty to disclose. It's not hypocrisy OP, it's not his information, it's yours.
Agreed
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