Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Tell him or no.

71 replies

Kaia20 · 19/04/2021 18:32

I’m not due on my period for another 4 days but I decided to take a test today because I just had a feeling.
The first test was a very faint line, 2nd was digital and a clear positive.

I broke up with my husband last year and have been seeing someone very casually since February.
I’m ashamed to admit this but the one time we didn’t use a condom he asked me would it be ok (as in am I on contraception) and I say it would be ok. I do not have a clue why I did that, heat of the moment thing or just me being plain stupid.
I literally do not know him nor him me, apart from sexually. I know bits about him and he knows bits about me that’s it.

I’m not against abortion at all, and I would.
But part of me thinks I should ask him how he feels. Or should I just not say anything and he won’t know any better?

Im reading this over and know how pathetic I sound. Please go easy on me, I know what I’ve done and I know how utterly stupid I’ve been

OP posts:
Ijustreallywantacat · 19/04/2021 22:41

Sorry but I think its shameful. Its things like this thst make blokes disbelieve women when they say it was an accident or the contraception failed. Now what if you want to keep it? You either need to fess up, and cause him to (quite understandably) resent you and the child, or lie and have that on your conscience.

If you about, then don't put it on him. No need for that horrid conversation.

MrsMiddleMother · 19/04/2021 22:42

Don't tell him if you're going to have an abortion. He doesn't need to know he's not having a baby. Also get yourself an STI check.

GroggyLegs · 19/04/2021 22:45

I have no idea why anyone would even contemplate telling him unless you're considering keeping the baby, or like a bit of drama.

Worst case scenario, he kicks off that he doesn't believe in abortion & how can you, etc. etc. Leaving you in a horrible situation of your own making.

TokenGinger · 19/04/2021 22:54

She didn't say she was on contraception. He asked if it would be okay, and she said it would be okay. She's surmising that he might have meant "okay" to mean is she on the pill, but he didn't outright ask that and she didn't outright say she was on the pill. Give her a break.

Ijustreallywantacat · 19/04/2021 22:57

She didn't say she was on contraception. He asked if it would be okay, and she said it would be okay. She's surmising that he might have meant "okay" to mean is she on the pill, but he didn't outright ask that and she didn't outright say she was on the pill. Give her a break.

She knew exactly what he meant, and what her answer sounded like. OP, I'm glad you are at least taking responsibility. I just get so cross about this sort of thing. I got pregnant after a genuine contraceptive failure. The guy didn't believe me and made the rest of the pregnancy, which didn't survive, horrid. All because he was lied to by a previous girlfriend.

Lou98 · 19/04/2021 23:00

To be fair if we were in the middle of sex and a man said to me "is it okay (to finish inside)" I wouldn't have assumed he was asking if I was on contraception, I would just have assumed he was wanting my permission before doing it regardless. The OP never said she was on contraception, she just said it was okay for him to finish.

Aside, what's done is done and the OP is just asking for advice on what to do now!

@Kaia20 I think you need to have a think first about what you would like to do. If you tell him and he decides that he does want to keep the baby, would you then keep it? Or would you abort regardless? I think it makes a difference, I think if you're planning to abort either way then I wouldn't tell him, it seems a bit cruel to dangle the prospect of a baby that he may want and then tell him you're not keeping it. If you're undecided and him saying that he wants you to keep it would make a difference and you would consider it then I would definitely say talk to him about it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 23:05

I wouldn't tell him anything. He doesn't have any 'right' to know anything.

jessyjo2 · 19/04/2021 23:15

I think he has every right to know. This is his child every bit as much as yours and should have as much input into the childs life.

beebeabee · 19/04/2021 23:19

Op, I would only tell him if you intend to keep the pregnancy. He obviously needs to know that.

You barely know each other so seriously consider if you want to gamble on him taking the role of a dad and if he will be a supportive partner and parent. Really sad to have a child which his dad will deny all his life. It's so heartbreaking for the child and they typically suffer great emotional strain and low self-worth throughout their lives.

If you don't want the pregnancy, don't need to say anything. It's your body and life and you have the right to end it without pressure as he may try to convince you to keep it.

Don't be hard on yourself but please don't bring a child into this world which may have a dad that don't want him/her 💐

Viviennemary · 19/04/2021 23:21

If you decide on a termination its not worth mentioning. What would be the point.

Doona · 19/04/2021 23:26

I think tell him, in person, because you'll learn a lot about how he responds to stress. What he's like as a person is important information for you when deciding what to do, because if you have the baby he will continue to be in your life to some extent.

Springsprung8 · 19/04/2021 23:46

Please don’t feel shame in this. Things happen, sometimes the moment sweeps us away when we’re caught up in it, it’s natural and yes you’re in a bit of a sticky situation now but this isn’t a shameful position to be in so please don’t give yourself a hard time.

Sleep on it tonight. When you wake up, before you even speak to this guy, just map out your pros/cons - how would you feel long term if you made X decision? And how would you feel long term if you made Y decision? Really explore those feelings. Sounds mega cringe but I think it really just helps process the situation before you even open dialogue with this guy.

After you’ve done that, you’ve made a decision you’re happy and comfortable with,THEN you decide whether to approach this man. Because to be honest, say you decide you don’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy it’s your body and will telling him really achieve much? You’ve said yourself you hardly know him. Just consider the fact it might fuck with his head, but at the same time consider you might want to tell him for the need of support.

If you decide to keep this baby just know that you’re capable. Ultimately this is your body, your choice and the only decision you need to make is a well-informed one. Hope you’re okay anyway, and sending lots of love x

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2021 01:28

@jessyjo2

I think he has every right to know. This is his child every bit as much as yours and should have as much input into the childs life.
If and when there is a child, you have a point. At the moment there is only a foetus, which is solely the purview of the woman carrying it. He has no rights or responsibility at this stage at all.
Doona · 20/04/2021 01:45

@Kaia20

No I don’t want a baby, but I’m not sure if it’s right for me to have an abortion without him knowing anything about it or having a say in it. I really just want to curl up and ignore this.
Oh sorry. Somehow missed this! Of course you don't need to tell him unless you want to. There's no reason for him to know.

On the other hand, if he has unprotected sex with women he knows casually, then he needs to expect that pregnancy will result from that. It annoys me that people are saying to protect the poor poppets feelings! And that he was betrayed! He was not. It's unfair that the whole burden of this has fallen on you, but that's biology.

Worriesome · 20/04/2021 09:41

@AnneLovesGilbert - because it sets everything out truthfully from the beginning, who knows, some men embrace the news and even although they don’t want children they can be supportive. She won’t know until she does it will she!

AegonT · 20/04/2021 09:53

If you want an abortion and you don't feel like sharing with him then don't. Right now there is no need for him to know and if you want to go this alone or with the support if a friend rather than him then go ahead. If you were undecided about keeping the baby then there could be a benefit in finding out what he thinks.

Aworldofmyown · 20/04/2021 09:56

If you have decided on an abortion then don't tell him. You don't have an emotional relationship with this guy and he won't be a support to you. No point in saying anything.

Rubyrecka · 20/04/2021 10:02

If your having an abortion then there's no point in telling him about it IMO.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/04/2021 10:07

I'm sorry you're in this situation op. Lots of us make stupid decisions, most of us get away with them.

Will him knowing change anything?

If he wants it, would you? Would you feel obliged to keep it even though you don't? Do you really want to but not alone? Would him knowing make it harder for you to go ahead even if he says he doesn't want it but is vile to you?

If you're certain you want an abortion, no ifs or buts, I wouldn't tell him. To what end?

Knackered90s · 20/04/2021 10:08

He asked if it was ok to take off the condom, not if OP was on contraception or has an std that he could get from what seems to be a casual sexual partner, give her a break! We’re putting too much pressure on her for taking responsibility of this situation and he is more than capable to take responsibility if he also takes away birth control. As are all men that choose to have sex without their own form of protection.

No advice OP but disgusted in the criticism you’re receiving and wanted you to know not every person thinks you should 100% take responsibility in this. My heart goes out to you!

Rubyrecka · 20/04/2021 10:08

Omg I've just read peoples responses! Talk about shame police! OP your baby isn't even a baby right now it's just a bundle of cells your so early on. Not an ideal situation to be in but everyone has done stuff they regret and suffered the consequences.

Cloudyrainbows321 · 20/04/2021 11:08

@Rubyrecka agreed- who do people on here think they are! So judgemental. I refuse to believe other people haven’t made poor decisions and judgements themselves. The question OP asked was whether she should tell the guy, not everyone’s opinion on her mistake. I would tell him IF you feel there’s a chance you may want to keep the baby. If not, it’s your call and you should not let these keyboard preachers make you feel any shame

Hxoxox · 20/04/2021 12:27

I think you need to tell him. I'm totally for everyone having their own rights etc but I feel women have too much power in regard to a life! What if he wants to be a dad? Might not be the best circumstances but it takes two and you weren't completely honest with him. Plenty people co-parent. If you speak to him tell him you are not opposing abortion and ask how he would feel! It's a hard situation to be in and we all do things without thinking in a moment of madness but he probably deserves to know! X

bunglebee · 20/04/2021 12:32

What if he wants to be a dad?

Then he should probably find a woman who wants to be a mum. He doesn't get to impose on a woman the physical, lifelong burden and risk of bearing and raising a child if she doesn't want to, or to pressure her to do so.

Nellieee · 20/04/2021 12:35

I think some of the shame-bashing posts on here are unnecessary. Sometimes things like this happen, to the most sensible of people. Don't be too hard on yourself. It can be hard for people to understand when they are longing for a baby.

If you know you do not want a baby, that is fine. Do you think he will be reasonable if you tell him your intentions. As that is all you would be doing, telling him for information purposes. You are not seeking his approval of validation (which is fine). Your body and your choice. He equally knew the consequences of not using protection, and is in no way blameless.

I hope you're ok.

Swipe left for the next trending thread