I hate my unborn baby

[Sab2021]

I hate my unborn baby. I never wanted her but my partner made me feel guilty if I had an abortion. I tried twice to have an abortion. I took the pills before 10 weeks and they failed. I went for a surgical abortion and walked out of theatre because of the pressure and messages he was sending me not do it. Now I’m 7 months pregnant and I still don’t want this baby.

2 months ago I found out my partner was following, talking and meeting women off instagram. All of them hoes posting lingerie pictures of themselves. He met one of these women and took pictures for her in lingerie in his house on the sofa, in the shower wet and on the bed. This destroyed our relationship I trusted him so much. I’ve become so insecure with my body and looks that I don’t even leave the house. I cry all the time and wish this baby dead so I can loose weight me get my life back. I never wanted her in the first place and now I feel trapped. I was in a domestic abusive marriage for 10 years but nothing hurts as much as this- I feel so betrayed I never expected this from him. He says he never slept with her and I’m above these women but I don’t believe him.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I couldn’t love the baby or get excited. Instagram has made it so much worse.

Instagram is a huge problem in our relationship as I see his activities online as being unloyal but he doesn’t. He won’t unfollow the hundreds of women he follows and refuses to delete it altogether. All this makes me hate being pregnant and I dread the day the baby is born

Im so sorry you feel like this. Please talk to someone in real life. Would it be possible to approach your midwife about adoption? Please please speak to her or someone, you really sound like you need it. Youre really not alone in this, i promise you.

Stop putting pressure on yourself, delete all social media, take it one day at a time. Distract yourself as much as you can, you may feel differently once it is born. Speak to your midwife, there may be antidepressants you can take while you are pregnant.

Your poor baby. My heart breaks for them. Please get them adopted if you still feel this way post birth.

OP, I’m so sorry for your situation. What a shitty thing your partner did to you.

I too think you should talk to someone in real life. The midwife would be a good start, or anyone who can actually help. Also telling a friend or family member if that’s possible and you think they won’t be judgemental.

This might be useful. corambaaf.org.uk/fostering-adoption/information-birth-parents/im-pregnant-and-want-my-child-be-adopted

I’m not 100% sure about this but I think you can’t sign adoption papers for six weeks post birth (I believe the baby would be fostered) so you needn’t worry that you’re in an irreversible process if you do change your mind after birth. But I’ve only seen it from the other side (friends adopting) so hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along with good info.

You need to rethink the use of the word "partner", because he isn't one. You also need to get counselling as soon as possible and either put the baby into foster care or have her adopted. Somone will want her and love her. She deserves that, at least. This child does not deserve to be brought up like this. You know that. I can understand that you didn't ask for this situation, but take some responsibility for the conception, at least. The only innocent player here is the baby and you shouldn't take it out on her. I CAN tell you from experience growing up in a home with a mother who hated her how fucking damaging that is. I'm 48 and still have PTSD. Don't do that to the baby.

All this talk of adoption, as if its just that easy.

@Sab2021

Is it the baby that you hate? Or him? Or the life that you have ended up with because you thought you were having a baby with a man who loved and supported you, and left you feeling that you could continue a pregnancy that you werent happy about, and then he proved otherwise?

Or yourself, because of the decisions you made, feeling that you should have made other ones?

None of this is your fault. Accidental pregnancies happen. You didnt terminate because of pressure from him. You didnt make him cheat, he chose to do that.

I think that you should call your midwife and ask for urgent help for prenatal depression. I suffered this when I was PG with my 5th child. Looking back I was suffering with post natal depression from my 4th childs birth (only 3 months old when we had a contraception failure) . My husband put me under a huge amount of pressure to not terminate, I didnt and felt as you do during the pregnancy and my husband didnt cheat like yours has.

Dont make any decisions just yet, and please dont listen to emotional blackmail about the baby right now. YOU need support, without that you will not be in a good place to make considered decisions about your (and the childs) future.

Take care

I also grew up with a mother who hated me and told me when I was little she wished she could kill me. I had to live with the guilt of causing her to be depressed and it hasn't left me and I am 60. She has never hugged me nor told me she loved me, obviously! It has a massive effect still and I can't bring myself to go no contact again because of the guilt.

If I ring she can't wait to finish the call and she is in her 80s now and it's very sad never knowing what it is like to have a loving mum.

Having my own DC who I adore and would do anything for and the fun and happy relationship I have with them made me realise how dysfunctional my own upbringing was.

There are desperate childless couples out there who long for a baby so you would be doing the best thing out of a desperately sad situation by placing her with a grateful couple.

I wonder what my life would look now if I had been adopted by a loving couple instead of growing up on eggshells and suffering the guilt of causing my mother's depression which lasted into I left home.

Have you been made aware that your baby could be born with birth defects as a result of taking the abortion pills? Usually they would advise against continuing the pregnancy if you have already started the abortion process for this reason.

Sad situation for you and the baby. It's not her fault so you should not be hating her. You can have her adopted - this is a plausible option if you do not want to have her. You may feel very differently when she is born but if you don't then adoption is an option - there are many families who would like to raise her.

Oh op, I feel so sorry for you to be in this awful situation and I feel so sorry for this little baby that is about to be born. This baby cannot be born into the world where their first emotion they will ever feel is hate. The hate you feel is not for this baby, even though you may think so, this innocent baby has done nothing to you for you to hate them. The hate you feel is towards your awful situation and your and your awful husband. Please please don't let this baby be born to a hateful mother, please take the steps you need immediately to get a clearer understanding of your emotions. There are so many services out there only willing to help you and your baby. You badly need support and you need it now. Please ring your midwife first thing in morning and explain to her what's going on. Also remember feelings are not permanent, they are constantly changing,it's part of our human makeup,so because you feel so low right now just remember that the next feeling you will have will be better..maybe hope, happiness who knows but you desperately need to reach out even if you can't for yourself, please do doe this innocent baby. Babies have survival instinct and expect love and care the minute they enter this world, please take advantage of the services available. There are so many options available to you, you are not trapped. Social welfare will be able to place your beautiful hold with foster parents while fixing you the space and time you need to think more clearly, maybe you will choose adoption or long term foster care or maybe you will bond with this little one and it will be you and them against the world. Please please please seek help and reach out xxx

Please seek help. Your baby is completely innocent, but if you don't want her there are a queue of people who do and would adopt and give her the best quality of life she deserves.

Speak to your midwife or a GP for your own mental health issues. Help is available but you need to take the first step to reach out for that support.

All the best OP x

I'd also assess your relationship. If your partner is making you feel so insecure and taking photos of women in his home, o trust etc. maybe you should question whether or not he is the right person for you. You sound really unhappy and it sounds like he is the root of this all. Womens aids is usually mentioned on here as a safe space to speak to someone who can guide you on how to remove yourself safely from these types of relationships. I've never used personally, but I'm sure admin or another poster could advise on their processes.

Good luck x

Hi, OP. You're brave to talk about how you feel - but now you need to talk about it to your midwife or doctor as soon as you can and let them know you're in need of support, whether that's support for depression and to keep your baby, or support to initiate the adoption process.
Your ex-partner is a nasty piece of work -get him out of your life as soon as possible. No need for him to be hanging around and being no actual use at all.
I really wish you well, but talk to someone. It's OK to be struggling and it's OK to decide you prefer adoption at this time.

You poor woman, my heart goes out to you. There are a lot of people waiting to adopt a baby and I think this is probably what you need to consider doing. The baby is innocent and don't forget that it is half you and half of all your family bloodline so don't hate the baby, love the baby enough to let a couple adopt it who will cherish and give it a loving family home. Your partner sounds horrible and it is totally understandable how you are feeling about him, and him trapping you in this pregnancy the way he did. Hang in there, and good luck.

You sound like you most definitely have prenatal depression. Speak to your midwife. Discuss your options. Do not bring a baby into the dynamic you are in as it will shape them into a person that will not be of healthy mind or values, and that's nothing against you personally. You cannot force yourself to parent when you don't want to. You and your baby deserve better. Think of adoption, women's aid and restarting your life away from him

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP. There are a few things I think you should consider.

First up, you should break up with your horrible boyfriend. He is disrespectful and a cheat. He doesn’t care about you and he won’t be a good partner when the baby comes. You need to be able to make decisions freely without his involvement.

Secondly, I would consider whether or not adoption is an option. It’s a big step so it’s not one to take lightly - the ideal is for your baby to stay with you, her mother. But if you truly feel that you hate her and that won’t change, she will need to find a family where she is loved. Adoption can be a good solution for difficult situations, but it needs a lot of careful consideration.

You may find that once you’ve broken up with your boyfriend and the baby is here, you actually do love her after all. The biological urge to love your baby once they’re born is a powerful one, and once your feelings aren’t being screwed up by your toxic boyfriend you might find your baby a huge source of love and happiness. But if you don’t, there is the option of giving her a family which does.

I would speak to your midwife about your options. Give yourself time to read and prepare. And break up with your boyfriend sooner rather than later so you can do it all with a clear head.

Please don’t hurt this baby whatever you do , they never done this to you your ex partner did speak to midwife and get baby a loving family once that’s done get some help for yourself

I'm so sorry you feel this way.

Surely you hate this man more? Leave him then you may be able to think more clearly about what to do in regards to adoption etc.

Also please see your doctor about how you feel, there is help out there.

@Notapheasantplucker I agree. It would be very unusual for the pregnancy to be allowed to go ahead after a failed termination. The complications could be catastrophic...

Firstly understand that you probably don't hate the child, you hate that the child is his and he put you in this place whilst also cheating on you, he probably did have sex with her because why wouldn't he but just because your going through the birth doesn't mean you have to keep the child, you can give her/him to a nice home where they will be raised with love and then you can dump your crappy partner and move on to enjoy life and find someone who respects you.

I'm concerned for this poor innocent baby who didn't ask to be born. Please have it adopted if you don't change your mind. It deserves a good life with someone who loves it.

If you aren’t already seeing them, ask your midwife for a referral to a peri-natal psychiatrist. Right now you will be feeling very out of control of your life and it’s impossible to decide what is best for you and your baby until you have proper support and feel more stable. The important thing is that you are recognising how you are feeling and you’ve made a brilliant start by telling us. Now you need to be brave again and tell your midwife that you need help.

Your babies father sounds like a horrid waste of space. You’ve come through one bad relationship and you can come through another - you do have choices and your life will feel better than it does right now.

This made me so sad. I just hope life turns around for you and you get so much happiness, I feel awful for you, it’s such a difficult position to be in and whatever you do I hope it brings you peace x

If you still feel this way after you’ve had the baby then please consider adoption. We adopted our beautiful son when he was 6 months old, he is 7 now and I love him even more than I could ever have thought possible. He is absolutely 100% my baby boy and as a couple who longed for a baby for years we do our best everyday to give him the best life possible. He is adored by my parents and indeed all of our family. I tell you all this so you will know that if you do decide you want to adopt I can promise you that there are waiting lists of potential parents all hoping that someone will give them the chance to become a family. The vetting processes are brutal (but necessary, the authorities are right to want to be sure that they place kids in the most suitable families) so you can rest assured that your baby will be loved and cherished and you will know that, in giving your baby to its new parents you have done something so amazing, so beautiful ... you will have created a family! That’s an incredible gift that very few people can do. This may help you come to terms with the trauma of surviving an abusive relationship, being coerced into a pregnancy you didn’t want and being lied to and cheated on by this man. He sounds like an evil bastard and imho you are best off getting as far away from him as possible. At least if you were to adopt you could walk away knowing that one good thing came from the experience. A friend of mine was in a very similar situation, she put her baby up for adoption and said that doing so helped her recover from the trauma she had endured.