Unsure if want children - advice needed!

[threeisthemagicnumber1]

Hey mumsnet!

Bit of a sensitive/difficult one - but need some views.

All my life I’ve never really pictured having children. Could be various reasons for this or could be a preference to not want them, not too sure but there’s a lot of factors

I want to know if anyone here that’s become a mum didn’t really want children or ever imagine it happening, but for whatever reason it’s happened anyway - how did you find it?

Appreciate this is an awkward one, but find myself in a tough situation and at the age where I really need to figure this out. Wouldn’t want to regret such a big life choice to bring a child into the world but my partner very much wants them.

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post - but in desperate need of advice!

Thanks :)

I never wanted children - ever.
I'm now 30 and have been with my partner for 8 years - one day, something just switched and I desperately wanted a baby. Now 5m pregnant and over the moon!

For me personally, it was when I was with the right person, madly in love and happy with everything else in my life - a baby was the massive void.

I was worried that I was leaving things too late but it needed to happen at the right time for us, and it has.

To add - I don't think anyone ever regrets having a child 😉 I hear more people regret not having them.

We have it instilled in us from a young age - one time unprotected sex and you're pregnant, so you spend your whole life trying to prevent it. It definitely isn't quite as straight forward as that, especially when we get older and are against the clock.

I never ever wanted children, but due to lockdown and a contraceptive fail I now have an 11 week old baby led on my chest and I'm in love with him. It's hard don't get me wrong but I just love him so much and I'm so excited to do everything with him throughout his life, I'm so happy I'm a mum but if you told me this a year ago I would have laughed in your face haha but ofc not everyones the same, this is just my expirence.

I married my DH at 36 with no intention of children, then at 40 I felt a sudden change of heart and fortunately we had DD when I was 41.
I still wasn’t sure it was a good idea until she was in my arms. I was never broody or maternal.

People do regret having children, do a search. It's just a taboo subject because it is obviously awful for the children concerned.

If in doubt, don't. And that partner needs to be a spouse first as otherwise you would be financially extremely vulnerable. 20 mins down the registry office, done.

I dont think anyone regrets having a child

This is really, really not true unfortunately.

I suppose it also matters how much you want to stay with, and build a future with your partner. Since you mention he very much wants them.
It would be unfair to stay, if you decide you don't (v valid choice not to want DC).

Are there any specific reasons you don't want DC? There doesn't have to be a reason or anything, just asking.

What are you unsure about? Do you have friends with kids? Do you want them, or is it more a case of you're happy without them and don't know if they would add anything? Or is it logistical thoughts that make you think, how could it work?

I can't speak from experience because I've always wanted kids. But even then the feeling when your baby is born is so different, you just can't imagine your life without them - and you just make it work. I tend to feel that it's more common to regret not having children to regret having them, but of course I can't speak for everyone.

How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow? Happy, stressed, devastated?

Hi OP, I was the same didn't ever get to the point where I wanted children, was probably also led by the men I was in relationships with too, but all the same, it wasn't something I planned on doing. My abusive ex manipulated me in to it, and we had one DC, lots of reasons flashed in front of me, as to why I didn't want them, never mind all the reasons it wouldn't be right with him, although he won me around and I thought okay we both work and just need to move out, as we were in a shared place, he had no intention of doing anything good during or after DC was born, and the two years that we did live together with our DC, were absolutely awful, we moved out of there because we had to, landlord took us to court, council offered somewhere far away and I didn't want to go, and ExP wasn't interested in paying for anywhere, so we lived in separate houses last year, he was still abusive, and I told him late summer I wouldn't be moving back with him. So all that I knew I didn't like or want a child for has become true sadly, and I struggle a lot, plus made worse that SS asked for contact to stop with DC father, so no child care help, but then living with him wasn't a breeze where child care support was concerned anyway. And he now got what he wanted that I would be trapped. I would say really look at both sides of the coin and go with initial thoughts feelings on having a child.
I was made to feel it is abnormal to not have a child, not at all!

I knew I wanted a child, I couldn't explain why I wanted one, I just did and there was no doubt in my mind about it. Same with DC2. I think if you're unsure, you don't really want one because if you did, you would know about it and feel the desire for one strongly.

@Porcupineintherough

I dont think anyone regrets having a child

This is really, really not true unfortunately.

Thankyou, I'm glad someone said it!

This was me. I never really pictured it for myself and also had very little opportunity, within the family when I was younger, to experience relatives' babies or little kids.

Married, but got unexpectedly pregnant and did not twig that had happened for quite a while. By then I just knew I would not be able to do anything to harm the baby, but not until quite late on would I have said I actively wanted or was excited to be having a baby. At the same time it was a bit terrifying because of the knowledge of age and not having realised the pregnancy, whether I was already being safe enough for everything to be ok. I didn't look forward to the early baby months - thought it would be solitary and all crying and sleeplessness.

By contrast I did not find the birth too scary and settled really quickly into the baby months and was quite relaxed - I know that is not the case for everybody. Even the stereotypical warning of terrible 2s etc turned out to have a very lovely side that was good fun. No regrets but happy to have stayed with 1, although I thought I might have another during the first 2-3 years.

Where I would say I could have done things differently was to go back to a full time job as soon as it was possible even if it wasn't clear how - I went back part-time but this has narrowed opportunity and development for me, and now there's more of a 'career clock' than biological clock ticking due to age now. Also, and related, to choose a primary school very much on the basis of what wrap around care (childminders who can serve it, or clubs available, the more the better). The one we went for is very limited in this and it has never been an easy or lasting solution, but we did not realise how much it varies.

I didn't want children and then I had settled down with DP and had a massive change of heart.

I can't imagine my life without now. I definitely don't regret it.

Life has changed though, we don't holiday like we used to and day to day life is busy (16month toddler).

I'd have another.

Thanks for all the responses so far!

I personally don’t feel the ‘having a child would complete me’ that many talk about, and I’d be happy with my life as it is - but that doesn’t also mean that my life wouldn’t be great with one. It’s not an active ‘do not want’ - and like many people there are so many fears and difficulties involved that perhaps that has negatively reinforced my views over the years.

I do know a few people who never ‘actively’ desired a child, but became pregnant and obviously now adore their child, and whilst they talk about the struggles none of them have ever said they now regret it. However as some have pointed out here, I’m well aware some mums do regret it, and whilst they might do their absolute best by the child all its life - it’s a nagging feeling that must be horrible to live with.

A bit of background for me is that I’ve never been around kids much, only one friend who has a young DC, never any cousins or siblings or youngsters in my life growing up.

I struggle with picturing the future generally, for some weird reason - if you asked me where I saw my life in 1/5/10 years time I’ve never really been able to imagine it. There’s probably some psychological reasons for that - but I never saw myself getting married either and I’ve done that now! (Appreciate that marriage is a different story to bringing a human into the world though!)

For added context - I’m early 30s, good job on good wage, would be fortunate to have tons of support. Just so interested to hear all the views, cos I was starting to feel like something was wrong with me for not being sure. Always imagined this would just kick in at some point!

@murbblurb what I don't understand is as to why people assume that a woman puts herself in a vulnerable position when she has children without being married.

I earn double than what my partner does - would you give me the same advice?

Re the actual question, my friend fell pregnant and told me she never wanted children before but didn't want to abort. She's now got 3. First wasn't planned, the other two were xx

[quote cheesebubble]@murbblurb what I don't understand is as to why people assume that a woman puts herself in a vulnerable position when she has children without being married.

I earn double than what my partner does - would you give me the same advice?

Re the actual question, my friend fell pregnant and told me she never wanted children before but didn't want to abort. She's now got 3. First wasn't planned, the other two were xx [/quote]
Agree with this :)

I am married but I’m also on far more money than my DH and in a more senior position. Financially and security wise - could easily go solo with it! (Apart from needing the speed, obv)

Sperm not speed!

We wanted children, but for a long time had to consider that we may never have them due to infertility. I spent a lot of time coming to terms with a childless life and by the time we did eventually get pregnant (after IVF), I knew that we would have been happy either way. Differently happy, but happy. We would have continued to travel, made different house decisions etc etc... it wouldn't have been a lesser life.

We also had a LOT of time to discuss how we would live if we had kids. We talked for literally years about what aspects of our life we wanted to keep and what things we were willing to sacrifice. We have enough money so things are comfortable and I don't worry about buying takeaway coffees on mum walks or 'extra' things for her. I have the flexibility to go back to work or not etc. We were as prepared as it was possible to be, I think.

Now she is here, I think both of the paragraphs have played into how much we totally adore her. Parenting is the best thing I have ever ever ever done. We are a brilliant team and we parent together. There is tiredness and anxiety but we knew in advance how we would work together and that has made it (mostly!) be a really smooth transition. We genuinely would have been happy without her and we did all of the things we wanted to do before having her (mostly travel, but other things like hobby classes and even just really really enjoying long evenings reading a book in the bath!). I don't feel any more complete or satisfied as a parent than I did childless - but being her mother is without a shadow of a doubt the greatest blessing I could have ever had bestowed upon me. It is impossible to put into words how she makes my soul sing. I hold her at 3am when she's just projectile vomited and pooed at the same time, or she will only sleep if im holding her etc, and I genuinely whisper my thank yous to the universe into the silence of her nursery. Even in the 'worst' moments, it is still the best thing I have ever, ever done.

I've got kids and I always knew I wanted them. I can't speak for everyone but I think if I was indecisive about having kids I don't think I would have had any. I think if I'd have got to the age of 30 and not had any kids I wouldn't have bothered, unless there were fertility issues.

To add - I don't think anyone ever regrets having a child 😉 I hear more people regret not having them

A lot of people seem to think this but most people who do won’t ever speak about it, because they’re wise enough to to realise that it could damage a kid to be told that or to hear about it. Not to mention others will judge you. Much easier to be upfront about the regret of not having any as you’re only going to get sympathy.

To answer the OP. I’m generally an indecisive person as I can dwell on what I’m losing out on by making a decision. So I don’t completely buy that if you don’t 100% feel it and know in your heart of hearts that it’s the right thing that you shouldn’t do it. Don’t get me wrong it’s a big decision that should be thought about carefully but I’m sure the women who regret having a child were not all against it or indecisive. I’ll bet some thought they wanted a child.

It is being a stay at home parent without marriage that makes a person vulnerable. If a parent is an independently high earner then fine - must be pretty high to afford child care .

Too many on here get caught out when partner suddenly finds a new shag, with no marriage there are no rights. Hence the warning.

Of course you need insurance, wills,guardianship etc regardless of marriage.

@murbblurb I agree. I married my husband because of love, not financial security. We do have a child btw and second on the way & are in our early 30s (same as you) but you have plenty of time. Things might change in the next 5 years and if they don't, it's ok. Don't let society pressure you into having children. Once you're married that's it, people just expect you to have a child. I have two friends who do not want children & that is absolutely fine! Brilliant aunties and our relationship has not changed although they know that I don't have as much time as I did before obvs x

@threeisthemagicnumber1

I am/was in the same boat and decided to go for it and am now (almost) 6 weeks pregnant.

I would be lying if I said I don't have moments of "what have I done" but overall I do not regret it thus far and think it will be the right decision for us.

I have extensive experience with children both as part of my career and in personal life (friends, family, etc). Ironically I think it is in part this extensive exposure that has made me more anxious about it -- I think when you often look after other people's children you get to experience some of the hard work and not necessarily the same level of love/joy/pride that you get from your own.

I don't think it's unusual or a reflection on your potential fitness as a parent to feel unsure. I disagree with those who say "when you really want children, you just know!" No one has any real idea of what they are getting into before they parent, even people who have always wanted them. You can't be sure you'll enjoy something before you've actually experienced it firsthand! I think you are right to carefully consider such a life changing decision -- most people just go ahead and do it because they think it's what they want or should do without really considering what it will mean for them.

I do think if you are really unsure it's probably best to err on the side of not having them because I think later regret over not having children would be more bearable than having to raise a child for years if you later decide you'd rather not. But I don't at all think the fact you are undecided is an indication that you shouldn't...it's a massive decision and something to really think about!!

@NinaMimi

"I’m sure the women who regret having a child were not all against it or indecisive. I’ll bet some thought they wanted a child."

Yes, this exactly. No one KNOWS they want children -- some people just think they know they want children based on what they think it will be like for them. I think people who jump in with an idealistic idea of what it will be or just because it seems like the next step in life are more likely to regret it than those who really consider all the ramifications of it and decide to do it anyway.