She doesn’t want to carry the baby?!

survivingmotherhood1 · 2021-04-07T11:11:01+00:00

So I’m in my late 20’s and have 2DC. I have a very close family member who is basically the same age and is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend (lets call her Linda) been together for around 3 years, live together etc. They constantly talk about having children but unfortunately Linda has a serious health condition which means she is unable to carry a pregnancy. This leaves my family member (who is healthy) as the one who would potentially carry the baby when they decide to have one. Recently, my family member approached me and asked informally if I would ever consider carrying the baby for them as a surrogate. I was confused as to why they would need a surrogate seeing as she is young fit and healthy. She went on to explain that she is getting close to her 30’s now and doesn’t want to deal with the weight gain, pains, birth and everything else that comes with pregnancy?!?!!!!!! WHATTT?! Am I crazy to think that this is just so incredibly selfish?! Help me out here because this just completely blew my mind! Is this normal? Is this what people do? Get a surrogate because you can’t be arsed to carry your own child?! I told her that maybe they should just get a dog instead.

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Megan2018 · 07/04/2021 12:13

Some people just shouldn’t be parents. They sound like a pair of idiots. I wouldn’t trust them with a dog either. A cactus is probably suitable!

MazekeenSmith · 07/04/2021 12:15

If this is real then YANBU!! Who would carry their baby for those reasons??

Stichintime · 07/04/2021 12:15

This is bonkers. Maybe the super rich do this, you can pay for most things. Pregnancys the easy bit!

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 07/04/2021 12:16

hmm.
Yes quite clearly it's not the average situation for surrogacy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 12:17

@Stichintime

This is bonkers. Maybe the super rich do this, you can pay for most things. Pregnancys the easy bit!

Pregnancy and labour are the bits which carry a risk of illness, injury and death. People who want surrogates are all too aware of that which is why they’re happy to outsource it.

Janxyb · 07/04/2021 12:17

Whaaaaat?! 🤯 if that is her attidude towards pregnancy then I doubt she is ready to be a mother.

Chelyanne · 07/04/2021 12:18

I wouldn't carry one for someone who said those were their reasons for not doing it themselves. If they identified more male and felt that carrying a baby would be quite uncomfortable for them emotionally then I would consider it. They could always look at adopting or pay for a "professional" surrogate (not sure if that is the correct term to use).

ShutUpAlex · 07/04/2021 12:22

If you’re not going to do it for them then it’s none of your business. It would be between them and their surrogate and if the surrogate is happy to do it then that’s fine. I hate being pregnant, if I could outsource this pregnancy I would!

Analysethat · 07/04/2021 13:17

I’m in a same sex marriage - currently 36 weeks and if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have done it. Pregnancy has been brutal.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable to say no but I don’t think your family member is being unreasonable to ask.
She doesn’t want to do it and that’s her right - doesn’t mean you need to do it for her.

FeistySheep · 07/04/2021 13:54

Outrageous! She doesn't want to get 'fat' and risk her life, but she thinks it would be a good idea for you to do it? Is she usually this selfish?

Moomoolandmoomooland · 07/04/2021 13:57

@ShutUpAlex

If you’re not going to do it for them then it’s none of your business. It would be between them and their surrogate and if the surrogate is happy to do it then that’s fine. I hate being pregnant, if I could outsource this pregnancy I would!

I hated both my pregnancies too. But I made the conscious decision not to have any more because I wasn't prepared to go through it again. It's not fair to expect someone else to go through it just because you desire a child.

FluffMagnet · 07/04/2021 14:00

She may well be tokophobic and being pressured by her partner to do something she is desperate not to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 14:01

@FluffMagnet

She may well be tokophobic and being pressured by her partner to do something she is desperate not to do.

Then it’s a bad relationship and they shouldn’t be bringing an innocent child into it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 14:03

@ShutUpAlex

If you’re not going to do it for them then it’s none of your business. It would be between them and their surrogate and if the surrogate is happy to do it then that’s fine. I hate being pregnant, if I could outsource this pregnancy I would!

It’s everyone’s business how some people consider another woman’s body to be for hire and that human lives can be bought and sold.

If you hate pregnancy so much why would you inflict it on someone else who won’t even get a baby at the end as compensation? Or deprive the baby of the only mother and home it’s ever known?

SorryAuntLydia · 07/04/2021 14:09

@survivingmotherhood1 you are spot on with your observations and your refusal. Imagine handing over a baby to this narcissist.

Parenthood via surrogacy is selfish and abusive. Babies should not be made to order like birthday cakes.

ShutUpAlex · 07/04/2021 14:10

Because some people genuinely enjoy it. A woman I know is on her 7th pregnancy as a surrogate, she loves it. And it is entirely her choice to do that for another person.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 07/04/2021 14:10

If you hate pregnancy so much why would you inflict it on someone else who won’t even get a baby at the end as compensation? Or deprive the baby of the only mother and home it’s ever known?

I haven’t ever been pregnant, but aren’t there plenty of women out there who enjoy pregnancy? My mum always maintains that she loved being pregnant ( she did have very easy pregnancies and very straightforward labours) and I think she would have definitely considered being a surrogate for someone if they’d asked her even if they only asked because they’d had a hard previous pregnancy.

Mylittlesandwich · 07/04/2021 14:17

I hated being pregnant. I couldn't even walk by the time DS was born and had been housebound for weeks. I remember spending nights crying because I was exhausted and just couldn't sleep because I was in so much pain.

All of this being said I wouldn't dream of asking another woman to go through a pregnancy that I'm unwilling to go through myself. I think that's a bonkers reason to want a surrogate.

LifeIsBusy · 07/04/2021 14:19

Hmm, perhaps she has just worded it wrong? Coming from a same sex relationship I never planned to carry our children and didn't see it in my future but I seen kids there. We tried with my wife and unfortunately it didn't take so now I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with our second child. Whilst I wouldnt change anything I know a lot of same sex couples where one of them wouldn't consider carrying and the other would definitely want to and on the flip side I know a lot of same sex couples where they both want to carry. Perhaps she fits in the first bracket where she didn't think she would need so and therefore now faced with the alternatives and therefore is was just a passing comment rather than something she was actively seeking to do and the justifications around it aren't the real reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2021 14:21

@HalfTermHalfTerm

If you hate pregnancy so much why would you inflict it on someone else who won’t even get a baby at the end as compensation? Or deprive the baby of the only mother and home it’s ever known?

I haven’t ever been pregnant, but aren’t there plenty of women out there who enjoy pregnancy? My mum always maintains that she loved being pregnant ( she did have very easy pregnancies and very straightforward labours) and I think she would have definitely considered being a surrogate for someone if they’d asked her even if they only asked because they’d had a hard previous pregnancy.

I have and mostly enjoyed it. A big part of that was the excitement of knowing I’d have a baby at the end of it. My baby. Who I loved before she was born. Bonding with her, learning her movements and routine.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 14:21

Just make it very clear to them that you will never do this for them. And don't. It's risking your life and you have to prioritise your own children.

EdgeOfACoin · 07/04/2021 14:25

I haven’t ever been pregnant, but aren’t there plenty of women out there who enjoy pregnancy? My mum always maintains that she loved being pregnant ( she did have very easy pregnancies and very straightforward labours) and I think she would have definitely considered being a surrogate for someone if they’d asked her even if they only asked because they’d had a hard previous pregnancy.

And remove a newborn infant from its mother at birth? The mother whose voice the baby learned to know in the womb? Whose heartbeat and movements the baby learned to recognise?

We don't even take newborn puppies from their mothers. We see how cruel it is.

This isn't just about the parents' wishes.

OP, YADNBU.

Bishbashbosh101 · 07/04/2021 14:26

People who want surrogates are all too aware of that which is why they’re happy to outsource it.

People who need surrogates have usually gone through IVF hell trying to carry their own child, or have suffered cancer. The OP's experience is not representative.

Your statement is misinformed and poisonous.

nitsandwormsdodger · 07/04/2021 14:28

My wife is healthy but was repulsed by pregnancy weight gain due to historical eating disorder
Be kind you don't know full story

Bishbashbosh101 · 07/04/2021 14:28

If you hate pregnancy so much why would you inflict it on someone else who won’t even get a baby at the end as compensation

I have never met an intended mother who didn't long to be pregnant.

I've never met a surrogate who wanted more children of their own. The fact you'd prefer to a baby as compensation says something about you.