She doesn’t want to carry the baby?!

[survivingmotherhood1]

So I’m in my late 20’s and have 2DC. I have a very close family member who is basically the same age and is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend (lets call her Linda) been together for around 3 years, live together etc. They constantly talk about having children but unfortunately Linda has a serious health condition which means she is unable to carry a pregnancy. This leaves my family member (who is healthy) as the one who would potentially carry the baby when they decide to have one. Recently, my family member approached me and asked informally if I would ever consider carrying the baby for them as a surrogate. I was confused as to why they would need a surrogate seeing as she is young fit and healthy. She went on to explain that she is getting close to her 30’s now and doesn’t want to deal with the weight gain, pains, birth and everything else that comes with pregnancy?!?!!!!!! WHATTT?! Am I crazy to think that this is just so incredibly selfish?! Help me out here because this just completely blew my mind! Is this normal? Is this what people do? Get a surrogate because you can’t be arsed to carry your own child?! I told her that maybe they should just get a dog instead.

" She went on to explain that she is getting close to her 30’s now and doesn’t want to deal with the weight gain, pains, birth and everything else that comes with pregnancy?!"

But she's happy for someone else to deal with it all? Nice.

TBH, surrogacy seems to be getting pushed by the media as oh-so-trendy at the moment, I wonder if your relative has been influenced by that. I can't imagine 10 years ago she'd have imagined this as a solution; the choice would have been between getting pregnant, and having no children.

I do find the popularisation / normalisation / commercialisation of surrogacy a bit concerning.

refer

A woman I know is on her 7th pregnancy as a surrogate, she loves it. And it is entirely her choice to do that for another person
Or she has serious mental health problems and really shouldn't be doing it.

Social surrogacy is an abomination.

I'd have laughed at her and told her to fuck off.

If she can't be arsed with a pregnancy then she'll get a rude shock when she has to look after a child!!

We don't even take newborn puppies from their mothers. We see how cruel it is.

I’m not sure how comparable the two situations are. We don’t take puppies away from their mother because they need milk/warmth/protection etc. But I’m not sure it would bother a newborn puppy to be taken away from its mother at birth and placed with another bitch if she then took care of it. Yes it would know the difference but it wouldn’t be ‘upset’ and it would only be aware for a very short space of time.

I don’t know how it affects newborn babies though and I’m not necessarily condoning surrogacy. I was just making a different point.

It's very worrying development to be normalising the commodification of women's bodies.

Eg 20 years back everyone did their own decorating painting etc now most get decorators.
In 20 years time will it be usual to have surrogates? I can see it now. They cant be bothered / dont want to ruin their nails / best to get a professional in??!

@ShutUpAlex

If you’re not going to do it for them then it’s none of your business. It would be between them and their surrogate and if the surrogate is happy to do it then that’s fine. I hate being pregnant, if I could outsource this pregnancy I would!

Would you willingly outsource the prenatal attachment to someone else too? Would you want to outsource the maternal/infant bond to someone else? Do you understand that babies attach to their mothers in utero and don't understand that their genetic material might have come from another woman - they don't know they aren't being removed from their mother at birth, to be handed to a stranger, that's how they experience it.

@HalfTermHalfTerm

We don't even take newborn puppies from their mothers. We see how cruel it is.

I’m not sure how comparable the two situations are. We don’t take puppies away from their mother because they need milk/warmth/protection etc. But I’m not sure it would bother a newborn puppy to be taken away from its mother at birth and placed with another bitch if she then took care of it. Yes it would know the difference but it wouldn’t be ‘upset’ and it would only be aware for a very short space of time.

I don’t know how it affects newborn babies though and I’m not necessarily condoning surrogacy. I was just making a different point.

Humans are somewhat more complex than dogs

Presumably she thinks it's okay for you to 'deal with the weight gain, pains, birth and everything else that comes with pregnancy'.

No matter what conditions she is dealing with, perhaps it would be better to follow your suggestion. If this is going to be a general feeling that others have to do the hard work, the future is looking bleak for mankind.

If this is real, she is a CF 🤣.

Jesus, what a question to be asked. I'm interested in what your exact answer was at the time, I'd have been gobsmacked at her reasoning and I don't think I could have been polite about it.
Surely talk of surrogacy shouldn't be so blasé.

@ShutUpAlex

Because some people genuinely enjoy it. A woman I know is on her 7th pregnancy as a surrogate, she loves it. And it is entirely her choice to do that for another person.

This old chestnut. So just because a tiny minority of women 'enjoy' it, it's a completely acceptable practice? What about the majority of women living in poverty who do it because they've no other choice? This reminds me of the argument in favour of prostitution and the sex trade - 'some' women find it 'empowering', so who cares about the huge numbers of women forced into it. What a load of shite.

If she was asking such a serious question of you - will you be a surrogate for them then ifvtbrre was a better person she couldn't carry the baby herself then she should have disclosed it. The reasons she said would happen to you too so why not her when she would get the baby at the end?

Well, exactly @Yeval. Once something becomes normalised, it's not much of a step for women to be pressured into it - pressured either financially, or emotionally. OP's close family member might have actually got her to agree if she had guilted OP. Had she burbled on about Linda's health, and implied there were health reasons she couldn't risk pregnancy either, OP might have felt so sorry for her, seeing as they "constantly talk about having children". Sorry enough to offer to be a surrogate? Who knows, maybe.

And as for women living in poverty - surrogacy is quite an industry in India. Not that I think the women carrying the babies get much of the fee paid , they just take all the risks for a pittance.

I’d tell her that coincidentally I find cleaning my house really boring and tiring so can she come and do that for me unpaid for the next year? Oh and I don’t want to do my shift as a porter on the Covid ward be used it’s a bit dangerous so would she mind covering for me?

Did she really ask you that?

It seems like something only a crazy person would do.

Which isn't really surrogacy related as such because surely she's crazy about other things too.

@TristantheTyrannosaurus

Just make it very clear to them that you will never do this for them. And don't. It's risking your life and you have to prioritise your own children.

Absolutely agree with this. There is a risk in every pregnancy and it's not one you're willing to put yourself through especially with children of your own who need a healthy mother to take care of them. You're completely right in your decision

Lol what? Who's she going to outsource the newborn to when she's being woken up 5x a night? Having kids comes with more inconveniences than the pregnancy!

She is taking the piss. 'Getting close to 30s' is no age at all either.

Please don't even consider it, she has a cheek to ask you to go through what she isn't prepared to do.