Fourth trimester struggle, tips?

[Smiths84]

We've just become first time parents to a gorgeous boy, my DH has been amazing but is limited to what he can do with me with trying to exclusively breastfeed. The other night DS screamed for feeds every half hour and I had about 2 hours sleep over 2 days. I've tried expressing for the first time today in the hope DH can take over some feeds to let me sleep but I only got a teeny bottle that lasted seconds, with this and the amount of feeding, my boobs are killing me. DS also won't sleep in his next to me crib or pram and will only sleep when being held. If I put him down he screams till we pick him up. I'm aware of SIDS and scared I might fall asleep holding him. If we feel exhausted we've agreed we will put him down and wake the other to take over. We've just started tag teaming to see of it helps, DH sleeps around 11 at night till 5am ish or as long as I can manage staying awake downstairs (as DS has tended to want most feeds then) and then I try to sleep for as long as I can but DH still needs to wake me for feeds. It's just exhausting, I'm tearful and sitting here terrified I might fall asleep when holding him. We've accepted its the fourth trimester and that he just needs to be held and I know it will get better but I just really could do with some practical tips that people have used to help cope?

I have no advice to give as I bottle fed but you're not alone.
How old is baby?

He's a week old so it is early days, it's just so much more tiring than I could have ever imagined, it would be easier if we could put him down for even an hour or so but he just cries hysterically.
I've realised I've accidentally posted in the wrong section so will ask if it can be moved to parenting

Anyone? Any other practical tips that worked for you I'd love to hear

put one of your worn shirts in the bottom of the cot, swaddle him, use white noise - he's gone from being constantly tucked up and warm and surrounded by noise to being silent and cold. promise it'll get better ! im 8 weeks in EBF and am currently awake for only the second feed of the night, blissful. i hated it the first week or so but once you get over that hump it's incredible to watch them get chunkier and chunkier and know that it's all because of you :) my boy slept better in the day time so i had lots of afternoon naps on the sofa while he was in his pram, and even now if we go for a walk it knocks him out for a few hours, i think he likes the movement. also really can't reiterate how much the swaddling helped- we didn't have anything fancy just an aldi cellular blanket! do it really tightly. and congratulations!

Ugh, been there. It's one of those things you'll have to ride out, unfortunately. The constant feeding is cluster feeding and is designed to increase your supply to meet his needs. Get as much rest in as you can. The early days are all about survival. Hopefully with lockdown easing, you'll have the support of other new parents and your own family/friends. Hang in there.

Hugs OP, you’re not alone!

All he will want to do is tank up on food and be close to you at the moment - I co-slept with all of mine for at least the first 2 weeks to facilitate this. Have you tried that? Clear your bed, wrap a blanket round you and tuck it under your waist and lie on your side with the arm underneath you curved around baby in a C shape so you can prop your head on it. Keep your breast out and he’ll suckle it on when he needs to. In these early days you’ll have to help him latch, but the hormones you produce will help you get back to sleep as soon as he’s latched. The sleep you get at this point will most likely be through intermittent dozing. The other thing that kept my sanity was, after a long feed (when I knew baby was full), handing them off to DH who would rock them / walk them round the kitchen, while I stuck in ear plugs and played loud white noise to get a solid 1.5 hr sleep. You’ll work out when in the routine you can get that; for me it was around 9.30pm and that fortified me enough to get through till about 3am with the co sleeping / cluster feeding.

After about 2 weeks, when he’s cluster fed in the evening (which may be 5 hours), try to get in the habit of transferring him to his crib. Even if he only sleeps in there for half an hour, you’re building up his familiarity with it and he’ll start to sleep in there for longer stretches. Use a hot water bottle in there to warm it up - I’ve always had a sheepskin in there although you need to risk assess to see if you’re comfortable with that.

Finally, think about nipple shields for the day feeds - they gave me enough of a break with my first baby to keep going. I wouldn’t try pumping at the moment as it will make bf feel even more stressful, but try a Haakaa pump. This effortlessly collects milk at letdown so you’ll have enough for DH to try feeding him.

Good luck!

Ps. I highly recommend a fabric sling for carrying baby around during the day.

Look up how to do safe bedsharing/cosleeping, it's much better than worrying about falling asleep sitting up or on the couch holding the baby. And sleep as often as you can with baby during the day.

Thanks everyone for the support, it's good to know others have had the same issue and it gets better as sometimes Ive felt like it won't, will try the t shirt in crib idea and swaddling and will give the white noise machine another shot. Will have a go putting him down for shorter periods to see how he does. I had thought about Co sleeping but neither the midwives or health visitor have recommended it so I've been a little wary but I might give it a go soon. My PIL took him for a long walk today so my DH and I could get some sleep and that has helped hugely so am lucky in that respect. I absolutely love him and he has put on weight since birth which is great so something must be working, it's just been such a shock following the birth. Am very grateful for the suggestions.

You’re doing amazingly with breastfeeding.

The early days are so tough. Do you have a pod for baby? Mine wouldn’t sleep in his next to me but the pod helped. I think this one is endorsed by the lullaby trust.

I survived on bed sharing in the end. It's hard and I BF too, DH used to take DS in the morning for me to sleep and again when he got in from work. We now tag team- going to wake him in 10 to take over.

The other issue I had as DS had a traumatic birth, was seeing a osteopath. He was in pain laying down so screamed every time we put him on his back. Two sessions resolved this. We bedshared until about 11 months he now sleeps in his room.

Also a sling is amazing he still loves it, but I find him a bit to heavy now to carry that long.

Sounds like he may be hungry. Is he gaining weight?

How long is he breastfeeding for each time?
That age he should feed around every 3 hours and should feed for between 10 mins to 40 minutes at a time. With my twins I'd set alarms for every 3 hours night and day and wake them up each time by changing their nappy etc so that they were awake enough to feed. They would go the whole 3 hours that time. Sounds like he is hungry to me

The sleeping issue - have you got a next to me
Crib with a drop down side? That way you can mimic co sleeping but more safely?

Try not to get in the habit of letting him sleep
On you....I did that with DD and it took 5 years to get her in her own bed 🤣

He had gained weight at day 3 midwife visit, she said bf babies can lose weight after birth but he had put on about 5 ounces so shecwas pleased re his feeding, he's due another weigh by the HV in a few days so hoping he will have continued to gain

He pretty much feeds to the frequency you describe so between 15 and 40 mins a time, he sometimes pops himself off the boob and looks done but often after a quick burp or nappy change he is mouthing again for food, the part I was finding the hardest is the cluster feeding, he was pretty much attached to me from 12 midnight till 6:30 the other night

Can you feed lying down? Either lie on your side (pillow between your knees) and put baby on hid side with his nose level with your nipple, or lue flat on by your back with baby on your tummy (put his head vaguely near your nipple and he’ll find it. You can doze off while he feeds. If you’re worried about SIDS do this as a nap with your husband in the room. Oh and I’d recommend doing this on a double bed cleared of all extra pillows and with the duvet well away from baby.

I would give a bottle or two of formula at night so when it’s your turn to sleep your OH doesn’t have to wake you to feed.

We do have a next to me that drops down at the side , I think rather than him being hungry its more that his crib and pram are still so big and almost swamp him and he just wants cuddles will definitely try out some of these recommendations

Breastfed babies don't feed every 3 hours at one week old! You are establishing your supply so it's to be expected that they will cluster feed. The fact he'd put on weight by day 3 is amazing - both of mine had lost weight at that point and I think that is much more usual. It gets better very very quickly - by about 2 weeks my most recent one was going for 2 and 3 hour stretches in the night, would suddenly sleep independently and would happily sleep on my husband for a couple of hours in the morning. It's hard but does get better! We also found swaddling helped both at night and for day naps so I could sleep. Baby is only 2 months now and wakes a couple of times between 11 and 6.

Thank you, we don't have a pod but will have a look at this though

Thank you, to be honest, its been only a few days when there has been a 3 hour gap, in reality the majority of feeding has been a lot of cluster feeds, just hearing some responses and tips has been a massive help, when I originally posted I was feeling pretty demented with lack of sleep and probably worry that I was doing things wrong and that it wouldn't get better but reading the comments has been a huge help as it's clearly normal and there are things I can try to make it more bearable, thank god for mumsnet!

I don't have any solutions I'm afraid but I am going through this exact phase at the moment. Ds is almost 2 weeks old. He is feeding well but will not accept being put in his next to me. We get about 5mins fussing before proper crying. At the moment I am going to bed around 9pm and my dh looks after the baby until 2am, only bringing him up for feeds. I then take over. I am worried about SIDS too and falling asleep with him. I now stay in bed for my shift as I read the sofa is more dangerous. This works for now as I can nap in the day when dh looks after him, but that wont be possible in a week when dh goes back to work. I asked midwives for advice and they said it was a phase and there is not much I can do.
So far I have tried the hot water bottle pre warming the crib and that hasn't done much. I have a swaddle on the way to see if that works. Has anyone had success with the white noise toys (ewan or tommee tippie ones)?

You are doing a great job. Breastfeeding is a full time occupation at the start and the constantly awake at night is tough!!

Think about how he is during the day and what is different at night. When he is calm during the day, what are his surroundings like? It takes time for babies to get used to our rhythms as they are not expecting this change.

Can he be soothed during the day by your partner? Perhaps you can ask him to take him between feeds at night for short stretches even if that means him being up and awake with him in a different part of the house, baby resting on his chest, baby in the push chair? (This won't ruin night time sleep forever.. I promise!)

The laid back breastfeeding might be more restful for you at night and may allow you to ease him into the next to me cot when he is sleepy after milk. lllusa.org/lie-back-and-relax-a-look-at-laid-back-breastfeeding/

I found that if I got my head down not listening for a stretch after somewhere between 8 and midnight.. (it changed with age) and DH did a stretch of holding and soothing in the middle of the night, and I slept for a stretch in the morning.. usually starting between 5 and 6 for a couple of hours, I could function. You will find what works for you.

If he can be calm during the day for a few hours, take advantage of this, let your partner take him out like your FIL did and you can get your head down.

Share the sleeping time so you are not both awake at the same time.

OP this is entirely normal so I wouldn't try to fix it. My other advice would be not to look at the clock.your job at the moment is to nurture your baby; feed, keep clean and give love. You are doing all of that and the scenario sounds completely to be expected. I wouldn't bother with expressing yet because it is an added job with very little benefit to you or your baby. It gets better . These posts make me feel really sad, all of us remember those early days but for some reason antenatal education doesn't seem to include it and so parents are unprepared. Think of all the posts where cluster feeding and establishing feeding has come as a brutal surprise. OP it sounds as if your baby is thriving and has really got going well for such an early stage, best of luck.

It's really hard but you're doing really well. My baby never ever went past 1.5 hours without BF - babies have no concept of time and there is no correct length between feeds. He is also trying to increase your supply.

You've got it right re the tag teaming. It doesn't feel like it right now but each week the sleep will get a little bit better and peaked around 12 weeks for me.

At a week old they're all Moro reflex, suckling and just wanting to be close to a parent - aka you. It's literally full throttle after birth isn't it without a breather?