Fourth trimester struggle, tips?

[Smiths84]

We've just become first time parents to a gorgeous boy, my DH has been amazing but is limited to what he can do with me with trying to exclusively breastfeed. The other night DS screamed for feeds every half hour and I had about 2 hours sleep over 2 days. I've tried expressing for the first time today in the hope DH can take over some feeds to let me sleep but I only got a teeny bottle that lasted seconds, with this and the amount of feeding, my boobs are killing me. DS also won't sleep in his next to me crib or pram and will only sleep when being held. If I put him down he screams till we pick him up. I'm aware of SIDS and scared I might fall asleep holding him. If we feel exhausted we've agreed we will put him down and wake the other to take over. We've just started tag teaming to see of it helps, DH sleeps around 11 at night till 5am ish or as long as I can manage staying awake downstairs (as DS has tended to want most feeds then) and then I try to sleep for as long as I can but DH still needs to wake me for feeds. It's just exhausting, I'm tearful and sitting here terrified I might fall asleep when holding him. We've accepted its the fourth trimester and that he just needs to be held and I know it will get better but I just really could do with some practical tips that people have used to help cope?

@Smiths84 my little one is ten weeks old and the first few weeks we're unreal. She would cluster feed all night and only seemed to sleep in the day.

It does gradually evolve and get better though! I think what you describe is normal for the early weeks.

I tried to get as much sleep during the day as I could- maybe until 1 or 2pm whilst DP had baby and brought her up for feeds. Once DP went back to work my mum came to stay and took over. I also went to bed early (8pm) to try and get a few hours before cluster feeding started again.

Felt like I never left bed yet got hardly any sleep! But from two weeks old her sleep started to improve and gaps between feeds got longer. Good luck and hang on in there!

I co-slept so I could sleep while the baby constantly fed at night which she liked to do in the early weeks then whenever she had a growth spurt. The next to me crib stopped the baby falling out of my bed and I got rid of my duvet (warm PJs for me and a sheet and thin blanket when necessary). The health visitor wasn't keen but the hospital midwives had shown me how to feed and sleep! It was that or fall asleep sitting up with her which would be dangerous. If your baby is gaining weight and has enough wet and dirty nappies then it looks like breastfeeding is going well but as your boobs hurt it might be a good idea to get in contact with your local breastfeeding support group. They will probably offer a video call to look at the latch and may even have their in person groups running again. It does get easier!

Aaaah biggest hugs OP. Those days were so hard. I found sleeping while someone else had the baby, co sleeping while someone else stays awake to watch the baby (that helped the most as we could sleep together but she was still watched - I was terrified of SIDS), swaddling and Percy the Gro Penguin had some success - mostly it was just time to adjust and having very low expectations of my awake time. No pristine house and lovely cooked meals and well put together hair and makeup - most days I spent in pjs and we didn't go out, unless to my in laws who picked me up and let me sleep at theirs while they minded the baby. My mum also came down for a couple of weeks over the period I gave birth and looked after the house and me so I had lots of nutritious food and the washing was done!

DD is still not a great sleeper but she's older now (16 months) so we can safely co sleep and that really helps - but within a month or two things had settled into a sort of routine.

Oh and she would only sleep in a Moses basket or bassinet if she did sleep somewhere other than me - she would have no truck with a crib or cot as she was so tiny and they were so huge!

Don’t let anyone pressure you into formula feeding unless you want to.

Cluster feeding is hard but it’s normal and it won’t last forever. Eat, rest when you can, ignore the housework, your husband can feed you and worry about chores while you focus on the baby. Be wary of expressing now, you could cause over supply which could lead to mastitis. Baby is also establishing your supply right now and switching on all your milk ducts, so you’d need to pump every missed feed. Honestly it’s usually easier to just keep feeding them, breastfeeding isn’t just food for them it’s comfort and connection and safety.

Safe bedsharing is safe, the norm in most of the world, and an absolutely life saver. Our babies are born expecting to stay close to us, just like other primate babies. If you can master lying down feeding (took me about 5-6 weeks) and bed share you’ll be on to a winner.

Have a read of this website and watch the video on the front page for evidence based information.

cosleeping.nd.edu/

I am certainly not in any way anti co sleeping but I’m just pulling this from OPs post

he will only sleep when held ... if I put him down he screams until we pick him up

(And mine was just the same op!)

But safe co sleeping isn’t sleeping holding the baby or the baby on you, so everyone steering OP towards co sleeping - it might work but done safely might mean it’s exactly the same.

With safe cosleeping the baby has easy access to the breast while the mum gets to stay lying down and resting, and often being so close to mum, her smell, warmth and her milk is enough for a baby to stay asleep.

It is 100% OK for your baby to be at the breast every second of the day and night, awake or asleep. It's normal, it's comforting for them, and you are not creating any bad habits that will be impossible to change later.

The best baby sleep book I ever read is called Precious Little Sleep by Alexis Dubief. It is not a patented "method" but explains the science and the different options and lets you choose between them. I found it very reasonable on the subjective experience of parenting a sleepless baby and very blame-free! Especially good on expectations at different ages.

I'm not some massive co-sleeping advocate but I do think the way it is portrayed is mendacious and does not allow parents to make an informed choice. Stats tend to lump the planned cosleeper on an empty mattress in with the family of five who got stoned and fell asleep on top of their baby on the sofa. I believe planned co-sleeping is safer than passing out from exhaustion holding your baby. This is an excellent guide with non-histrionic facts: cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/

Make sure you eat eat eat and drink drink drink. Try to get you and baby some fresh air every day, even if it's just stepping out onto your front doorstep.

FWIW, no midwife or health visitor recommends co-sleeping but after I admitted I was doing it, several of them said well done, it's the best way for everyone to get some sleep.

@PerspicaciousGreen

It’s not ok as it’s clearly too much for any mum to have a baby feeding all the time! When will mum
Sleep?

Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm 21 weeks and there is so little info/education about what that first week will look like in practice.

There's lots about routines and blah blah etc but I know that can't be realistic for the first weeks.

Currently trying to get DH prepared for what it might be like. We've watched lots of antenatal class videos and had lots of platitudes from others like "it's tiring but magical" but I know it's going to be a nightmare, so these tips/experiences people are sharing are very useful.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@PerspicaciousGreen

It’s not ok as it’s clearly too much for any mum to have a baby feeding all the time! When will mum
Sleep?[/quote]
Sorry, I absolutely meant OK for the baby! There are people who will have you believe that you can breastfeed a newborn baby too much for their own good and you should withhold the breast to, like, teach them a lesson or something, if they are feeding "too much". I meant that a baby wanting to be on the breast 24/7 isn't a sign in and of itself that your breastmilk isn't enough or that you're storing up psychological problems for them in the future.

Absolutely you'd go nuts if they were there all the time! But you always CAN offer the breast, any time of day or night, no matter when they last fed and for how long.

Ah wow thanks for all the positive comments and advice everyone, am feeling much better about things. Its totally true that the resources don't outline what the reality is. It's really helped hearing that it is normal and will get better

@Smiths84 just wondering a few months down the line if things improved for you? I'm sat here in your position exactly. I feel like I could have written your post almost verbatim with my 5 day old DD. It's 5am I've had no sleep with her aggressively nursing/comforting on my breast and crying whenever she's put down to sleep!

[quote TobiGus]@Smiths84 just wondering a few months down the line if things improved for you? I'm sat here in your position exactly. I feel like I could have written your post almost verbatim with my 5 day old DD. It's 5am I've had no sleep with her aggressively nursing/comforting on my breast and crying whenever she's put down to sleep![/quote]
@TobiGus The first few weeks are the hardest. No amount of preparation can prepare you for the realities of those first few weeks ❤️ Just remember - you are all DD knows. She need comfort and that’s exactly what you are. The cluster feeding is SO normal (doesn’t make it any easier) - she’s establishing your supply. She’ll go through a few phases like this over the next few months with growth spurts and just constantly feeding - but by then you’ll be a pro 😊 this first but really is the hardest.
I literally was you this time last year! Genuinely, I think your DD and my DS share a birthday 😊 I’m now sitting with a 1 year old and I promise you, it gets easier! A few things that we found that helped us (although every baby is different) -

• Our DS had SUCH a bad startle reflex. He would startle within a minute or 2 or being put down and would get so upset. We used a Love To Dream swaddle as he hated having his arms down like traditional swaddles. Don’t get me wrong, it was no miracle fix but after the first couple of weeks it let me out him down for an hour or 2 between feeds which was a lifesaver for me to get a tiny bit of sleep.
• Warming his bedside crib. He slept in a Snuzpod and I felt that it was always chilly. I kept a hot water bottle next to the bed and would pop that in for a few minutes while I burped him after his feed just to warm his mattress and sheets slightly and he settled better that way.

I hope you manage to get some sleep this morning 😊