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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL obsessed with sex of baby.

34 replies

Janxyb · 29/03/2021 08:13

Hey,
This is a kind of a aibu post, just wanted to see what others thought.
My mil has quite alot of grandkids and they are all boys. She doesn't hide her thoughts about wanting a girl and for the last year (atleast) has nagged us about when we are having another. I hate people asking when you are having children anyway but it's even worse when the reason is because they want a certain sex.
It's very early days for me 4+5 but first time round we did tell our parents at about 5 weeks. This time I don't want to tell mil until atleast after first scan as the constant talk of what the baby will be will drive me mad.
My first pregnancy was a few years ago, we paid for a 16 week scan and after we rang her and told her it was a boy! Her first words were 'are you f*ing kidding me?!' not congratulations or anything like that.
This time we won't be doing a 16 week scan so if they can't see or won't say at the anomaly scan then it will be a surprise.
I wasn't sure if we would ever have another so I really couldn't give a crap what sex the baby is, I'm just happy to have another.
So basically, are we being unreasonable to not tell mil I'm pregnant until as late as possible? Does anyone else have family obsessed with having a certain sex? I'm quite a private person anyway so I'm more than happy to not tell until 14/15 weeks anyway but I would like to tell my mum earlier which I guess is then unfair on the other x

OP posts:

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Analysethat · 29/03/2021 08:17

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. MIL are funny old things and sometimes I think they have the best of intentions but don’t realise how brash they are being.

Keep it to yourself as long as you want as you don’t owe anyone anything. Oh and congrats 🎉

SnooperTrooper12345 · 29/03/2021 08:22

I don't have a comment on the family wanting a certain sex but didn't tell my own Mum I was pregnant with my first or second until after my 12 weeks scan.
My MIL knew from when I first tested though 🤷🏼‍♀️

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2021 08:23

Yanbu. And if she asks, "MIL, last time we told you the sex of our baby your response was, frankly, disgusting. This baby will be what it will be. Get on board and leave us be"

RizzleRazzle · 29/03/2021 08:27

My first pregnancy was a few years ago, we paid for a 16 week scan and after we rang her and told her it was a boy! Her first words were 'are you f*ing kidding me?!' not congratulations or anything like that.

WTF?! I wouldn't tell her that you you're pregnant for a while and then tell her you don't know the sex even if you do. If she keeps pestering you about it you need to be firm and tell her to back off.

Congratulations OP and sorry such an exciting time for you is being clouded by her obsession with having a girl. As you say, the sex doesn't matter as long as the baby is healthy

AuntieStella · 29/03/2021 08:29

Do consider the effect if she were to find out from someone else not you.

That means that you tell no-one until you are ready to tell MIL - unless you definitely want to risk her finding out in a way that anyone would find hurtful.

Have DH tell her (when you are ready to tell everyone) and let him absorb the first reaction from his mother, and generally keep her at arms length if that's what's required. He is the one who needs to step up, and do the bulk of dealing with her

Jchina · 29/03/2021 09:38

My MIL is the same, she has two sons, four grandsons so far and I’m expecting her 5th grandson (our third boy)x We haven’t told her yet because I know she’ll be disappointed which is not something we’ll be able to deal with politely. Plus I also know she’ll adore him when he arrives so it really doesn’t matter!

Original poster

Janxyb · 29/03/2021 09:46

Thanks everyone! I definitely wouldn't like her to hear the news from someone else so I think we won't tell anyone for now. I get on really well with her, apart from this. If it is a boy I know once he is here she will love him anyway, it's just the constant talk of it that drives me nuts and that she doesn't even try to hide her disappointment X

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 29/03/2021 09:52

Don’t tell anyone till 12+ weeks and tell them you’re not finding out the sex till it’s born (even if you are)!

FruitLoopzz · 29/03/2021 10:06

I don’t think it’s unfair to tell your mum but not MIL. As a daughter you normally would go to your mum for many things that you wouldn’t go to MIL for, a mother daughter relationship is just different.

Keep it to yourself because the added pressure of what sex baby will be will just overshadow your pregnancy. If it’s a boy you know MIL will be disappointed going off the comment she made last time. If it’s a girl MIL will be too excited and I think it’s unfair on the bout grandchildren x

FruitLoopzz · 29/03/2021 10:07

Sorry I meant boy grandchildren x

TakeYourFinalPosition · 29/03/2021 10:16

I will keep my pregnancy a secret for as long as I can, if/when it happens... and my in-laws will just be excited and worried, not weirdly obsessed with gender!

littlemisslozza · 29/03/2021 10:18

YANBU. My ILs have 6 grandsons. They joke about it with their friends who have 6 granddaughters! Absolutely no grumbling though, they are all very different. Your MIL sounds quite shallow and I'd be concerned in your case that a granddaughter would be spoilt if the baby is a girl. Which would also be very irritating!

littlemisslozza · 29/03/2021 10:19

I mean the grandsons are all very different even if they are the same sex!

Littlegirlplustwo · 29/03/2021 10:22

Urgh sorry but she sounds absolutely vile.

I wouldn’t tell her and would not feel guilty about leaving it as late as possible! I’d probably wait until I was visibly pregnant, then if she comments then casually mention it. I’d also be upfront about the reason and her bad behaviour.

Our family is all girls, and I am expecting twins. I found out one of my twins is a boy. And the first thing my Mum said ‘oh so we’re getting a boy then’. I was just like no that’s not all we’re getting! It really pissed me off that people seemed to be celebrating my boy twin more. She’s nowhere near as bad as your MIL and did apologise though.

PomegranateQueen · 29/03/2021 10:26

Get your DH to be open with her about it, he needs to tell her that her comments last time were very upsetting. Call her out on her comments every single time she makes them.

My DGM is like this, desperate for a girl great grand child. Every time she said 'I really do hope this one is a girl' I asked her why? What's wrong with having a boy? Seemed to stop her in her tracks.

Mummyof2Terrors · 29/03/2021 10:46

Nip it in the bud now re the girl talk because if you do have a girl, she is going to be so overbearing.

Original poster

Janxyb · 29/03/2021 10:52

I do worry if it was a girl that she would be spoilt which I wouldn't want and it's not fair on my son. My son was the 7th grandson into the family (our first child though). I'm also not into super pink girly clothes and could just imagine the outfits she would buy! She had 4 sons herself, I've never asked her but I'm sure she had 4 to keep trying for a girl. Definitely thinking even if we find out the gender we will say we don't know, whatever it turns out to be. I'm not exactly slim so I reckon I could definitely keep this pregnancy a secret for quite a while! I work in care though so will have to tell my employer soon, but there is no reason why that would leak to my family as there are no connections

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 29/03/2021 10:52

How rude. My MIL was like this in reverse because she only wanted boy babies. When I was going for a scan she just said let me know if it has an appendage.

Mummyof2Terrors · 29/03/2021 11:00

In that case if you do have a girl, you need to get your other half to sit her down and explain that although she's excited about a girl, this is your baby, not hers, and not her chance to live out the fantasy of having a daughter.

If it's a boy, it's the same conversation with a reminder of how lucky she has to have all these fabulous children in her life.

I do feel for you. Family politics and babies is the worst.

PlanBea · 29/03/2021 11:07

It was my aunt who said "are you ok with a boy, you can't send it back now!" When I told her our firstborn is a boy. I was fuming! I just responded with "we're delighted". My boy is not a consolation prize for not getting a girl. I just want a healthy baby after two years of trying, and my aunt was aware we had been TTC for a while.

She had sons (who haven't had kids), my cousins on that side have all had boys so this is boy #5 out of 5 for my son's generation.

Honestly if you want to tell your mum then tell her if you think she wouldn't tell your MIL. There's things I just don't have the same relationship with MIL for, for example I would never have MIL as a birth partner but would have my mum if DH couldn't. And knowing how she will react to something that is it of your control just sounds like reading the stress on you

Portla · 29/03/2021 11:17

I wouldn't tell her OP, you'll be on edge waiting for the comments.

Everyone wanted a girl with me, me and DP hoped for a boy. Cue the haha its definitely a girl, sending links of pink outfits and such really annoyed me. It was relentless.

We found out at 16 weeks it was a boy. Many messages of family telling us they were gutted and they hoped the scan was wrong.

Original poster

Janxyb · 29/03/2021 11:36

Yes will be getting dh to have a good talk with her no matter what we have. I'm glad but also disappointed to see so many other families have the same. It is so often boys that seem to be the disappointment aswell She has told me I'm her last hope for a girl (her other son's have said no more babies) she tries to laugh after but its so fake x

OP posts:

Lovebug06 · 29/03/2021 11:48

Im already dreading this.
I have been TTC quite a long time, and even before this I am told constantly I need to have a boy by MIL. It drives me mad. It doesn't matter what I say, she still says it.
DH and I don't care what we have. We never have but after a long journey we just want a baby. It makes me so annoyed that it's others that try and put pressure on us. We wouldn't find out the sex, but I definately won't as it makes me angry at the thought if it's a girl it will be a huge disappointment. My baby will not be a disappointment and I won't have it. It even annoys me if it is a boy that it'll be a massive deal because phew it's not a girl. It'll just piss me off. I want a healthy baby. The fact I've had this for years makes me dread how much it'll be said when I actually get pregnant. It's made out its a joke or they're just saying but when it's been said over and over, it's not. Literally makes no difference what I say. My DH has even got really annoyed at her. Still carries on.

TrainWhistleChoir · 29/03/2021 11:57

I would be concerned about how she's treat your older DS if the new baby is a girl and she dotes on it. It'd be a wider issue for her other grandsons but it's more pointed if it's your sibling on a pedestal. I'd also be concerned about her having reconceived ideas about girls e.g. clothes, toys, that you don't agree with.

timewilltellsontrushit · 29/03/2021 14:13

What a nightmare, will you see her I showed much sooner second time, not sur rid of made it to the first scan .. I'm a little bit scared for you if it is a girl though ! Big congratulations 🎉

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