Feeling a bit annoyed at midwife...

[swiftt]

It’s my first baby so I’ve no idea if this is normal or not, but I’m feeling a bit neglected by my midwife. She told me I could email her if I had any questions, so I’ve emailed a couple of times and she’s never replied to any of them. I then end up having to phone triage which feels like wasting their time as it’s non urgent things, but things I need answered nonetheless. The last time I contacted her was to ask for a physio referral for suspected PGP - I wasn’t sure if I should go through the midwives or the GP. That was over a week ago and still no response. I’ve been in for reduced movements in that time and the registrar at the hospital noticed how much I was struggling with movement and did a referral for me straight away.

I also saw my own midwife for reduced movements a couple of weeks ago, and when I mentioned feeling bad for wasting their time she said something along the lines of ‘you aren’t wasting time but you need to try and reign your anxiety in’ - to me, this implied that I was over reacting about the movements when every other midwife I have spoken to has encouraged me to be seen about them and never made a comment like that. To add, I was really calm when I went in and saw it as a precautionary measure, I wasn’t beside myself with worry or acting like that so I was a bit confused when she mentioned that. I have had a miscarriage before so I do feel hyper conscious of the slightest changes, but I am quite level headed about things at this stage.

At my booking in, she also told me specifically not to gain any weight, and implied I should actually have lost some weight by the time the baby is born (my BMI was 32 so definitely overweight but this seemed like extreme advice).

Again, not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or expecting too much since it’s my first. But I just feel a bit let down and I feel like a nuisance every time I contact her. Is this normal, or have I got the short end of the stick here?

I think emailing with questions was probably a bit OTT, yes. But I don't really know why midwives give out their email addresses and mobile numbers in some areas when it's obvious they aren't going to have time to be handholding people. Generally you discuss routine stuff with your midwife when you see them and talk to maternity triage or the EPU if you need seen urgently.

If you are obese then yes the advice is not to gain any weight in pregnancy. That's not extreme advice. So I think that yes, you are probably being a bit sensitive. Your midwife has a large caseload.

My local midwife was crap, not just to me and my sister said same.
I didnt realise how crap until later in pregnancy when had a temp cover midwife who was genuinely marvelous. Really reassuring for a first time mum and listened and pointed me towards helpful resources to read in my own time.
The midwifes in hospital were also wonderful despite my labour complications, so don't worry.
I have a high bmi. I was given no advice to loose weight and tbh through morning sickness barely gained anything anyway. I had never-ending water infections in pregnancy which first midwife was rubbish about and second was nice, helpful and explained.
Honestly relax and one bad expirence doesn't mean all will be. Try and get on an nct course and ask some questions there as they are helpful

@ScarfaceCwaw she always tells me at appointments to email if I have any questions in the meantime though. Not sure it’s OTT to have taken her up on this a couple of times? NHS advice definitely doesn’t say to not gain any weight.

I totally understand they have massive caseloads and I’m not her only patient, I just feel like there’s a real lack of support and not much point in having one specific midwife if this is normal.

@Pleaseaddcaffine aw I’m sorry you had a rubbish experience with your midwife. That’s exactly what I mean, every other midwife I’ve had interaction with has been so much more helpful and reassuring and hasn’t made me feel like a burden at all.

I had the same problem with my midwife in first pregnancy, they say ask me non urgent questions etc but I reality they are too busy to get back to you. It seems silly that they give out their contact details if they can't actually help you but hey ho. I saved up questions for the next time I saw them. Re the BMI thing she's not said anything bad to you.

Totally normal I'm afraid! Be mad at the system that isnt properly funded or staffed than the individual that is juggling god knows how many mothers and babies.

Good luck with everything

@Inthesky42 weirdly enough, that makes me feel better! I think I’ll just phone triage from now on rather than bother emailing her.

@TreeDice oh absolutely. I’m sure she’s under a lot of pressure, and I totally understand that as a fellow HCP. It just feels like other midwives who aren’t ‘my’ midwife have made me feel much better supported.

Honestly yes you sound a little over sensitive, you’re obviously worried after your previous loss and that’s understandable but neither is it your midwives fault that she’s probably doing the job of 3 people during a global pandemic.

Also re the weight thing, my BMI was 30 when I had my second DC, I was obese. The midwife told me that gaining weight was potentially problematic for the pregnancy especially as I wanted to avoid an overly medicalised birth. It’s not bad that they point this out, being obese and giving birth is not ideal.

They are too busy. And I think when you are pregnant you are quite vulnerable and things that you might otherwise shrug off, you feel very upset over.

Okay. Totally accept I am being overly sensitive to a degree. Something else I can blame on the hormones!

Appreciate the responses.

In our area there's very little contact with midwifes in reality, until the birth. They advice you towards lots of resources. The midwife is probably telling you not to stress too much as that isn't good for baby. Excess weight is not advised either. Some people I know still seem to think it's acceptable to eat for two etc and put three stone on. But it's really not good for anyone

I agree with PPs that they are just busy. My midwife says to text her but she only gets back to me the next time she is working which is fair enough and she is part time. I had a full term loss before so have been offered additional appointments so I can see the midwife every week if I want to. Would that be an option for you? It's good to have something in the diary rather than stressing about getting through to someone.

I don't know how many weeks you are and that could have some bearing but generally the advice is go in if you are worried about movement. You could ask for MH support or counselling if you need it.

I don’t think you are being that unreasonable no. My lockdown antenatal care was the absolute bare minimum. No fault of her own (though her attitude often wasn’t the best) but my midwife was clearly overworked and quite unenthusiastic. It was disappointing but I was lucky that I had no issues and it was my second baby. If I had had problems and not been on the ball, I honestly don’t think the community team would have been much good. The basics were done though and I just feel lucky we both got through ok. The hospital were far better.

There's a large difference between the care you can potentially receive in hospital versus community, there are more resources and more staff.

Your community midwife may not be the warmest, or smiley but should be your first contact for the non essentials, triage isn't necessarily appropriate to discuss minor or non urgent issues.

My community midwife saw me once until she went off sick, since I've seen a different lady every time and although the lack of continuity isn't ideal I do understand they have huge staffing deficits from COVID and otherwise.

The BMI/weight gain advice isn't too inappropriate either. My booking BMI was 37 and by 28 weeks gained 10kg which is far too much given the risk of potential complications down the line. Losing weight via careful diet and exercise is not forced but sensible.

If you have small concerns why don't you post here? You may need to then approach maternity services but at least your immediate concerns and worries can be acknowledged and may help answer questions.

As for reduced movements, I have no idea what stage of pregnancy you are but after 24 weeks my midwife wanted to know, for others I think they get advised to seek support from 28 weeks. It is one of the issues you don't hang about waiting for, if your midwife doesn't get back to you promptly approach triage.

You do sound sensitive/anxious but it's a hard time. It is a long slog and you may benefit from some coping strategies to help keep you level headed in the final stretch.

Wow some of the comments on here 😱

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive. All health care professionals have a massive work load, that doesn’t mean they should lose any of their care and compassion. If that goes they’re in the wrong job.

If the midwife thinks you’re being over anxious it’s their role to make you feel better, whether thats referring you onto other services, or taking 2 minutes to give you a call to check in or reply to your emails.

Maybe have a conversation with her ( or email again) letting her know your concerns, and asking if she can help with your anxiety? And pointing you in the right direction to have your questions answered if she’s unable to.

Also is there a friend or relative you can talk to about what to expect and what’s normal? Because just hearing it from someone who has gone through the same thing can sometimes be just as reassuring.

Also try using this forum to answer some of your concerns. It’s given me some reassurance with questions or concerns I’ve had.

And finally as for the weight thing, I’m guessing by the way you’ve written it that you were already fully aware you are overweight. My bmi is higher than yours and I’m full expecting that conversation tomorrow at my first appointment. If it was put it the way you’ve said it then that’s wrong.... again an explanation, encouragement and advice on what to do/eat to help your baby be healthy would be so much more productive.

Being over emotional and sensitive is part of the whole process so don’t ever worry or feel bad about that. Your midwife should totally understand and support this too.

I don’t have any experience or words of wisdom to give you re symptoms as this is my first following a mmc 4 years ago. But i am a health care worker and I know there is never any excuse for lack of compassion.

I hope things get better for you so you can enjoy your pregnancy.

Unfortunately midwives have a lot of women to be dealing with and are often super busy. And any time they are on shift, they usually have constant appointments so are replying to emails ect in the small space of time they have between appointments.

Obviously from a personal view it is hard to feel like you have support but also hard for them to support everyone.

As for the weight thing, that is what they say to everyone who has a raised bmi.
They tell you to aim to not gain any weight. I've been told it in all my pregnancies as my bmi is higher by both midwives and consultants. It's the normal thing

I understand what you are saying OP - you were given a way to ask any questions and then made to feel like a nuisance for doing it. That does seem a bit unfair. I think you'll have to accept that your midwife is too busy to actually answer them even though she offered and use other outlets to find things out (as other people have said, mumsnet or NHS website etc).

@Choclover89 oh definitely, I use Mumsnet or ask friends as a first port of call for anything that isn’t urgent. The things I had emailed her about weren’t really generic questions that I could find an answer for from other sources though. The last one was to enquire about a referral to physio, another about missing my MAT B1 form etc. Things I really didn’t want to bother triage about as they weren’t urgent, but likewise I couldn’t really wait weeks til my next appointment with her to ask.

Frustrating but it is what it is, I guess. It just seems a bit daft even having the one midwife when it doesn’t seem to make much difference between appointments.

[quote swiftt]@Choclover89 oh definitely, I use Mumsnet or ask friends as a first port of call for anything that isn’t urgent. The things I had emailed her about weren’t really generic questions that I could find an answer for from other sources though. The last one was to enquire about a referral to physio, another about missing my MAT B1 form etc. Things I really didn’t want to bother triage about as they weren’t urgent, but likewise I couldn’t really wait weeks til my next appointment with her to ask.

Frustrating but it is what it is, I guess. It just seems a bit daft even having the one midwife when it doesn’t seem to make much difference between appointments.[/quote]
How far along are you?

I would take it as you need to not worry about feeling anxious you are wasting anybody’s time; if there are any concerns with your baby, you get checked out.

@SnooperTrooper12345 28+3 so at least there are quite regular appointments from here on out.

At the end of the day OP you’re a first time mum and you don’t really know what to expect and what level of communication is necessary.
When I first got pregnant, I remember being really surprised by the lack of communication because I was expecting a lot more so I do get where you’re coming from.

When I first got pregnant, I remember being really surprised by the lack of communication because I was expecting a lot more so I do get where you’re coming from.

I was going to say this too about my first pregnancy

I have what’s called a mental health midwife . She was put onto me half way threw my first pregnancy’s and I have had her from the start of this one and will have her there threw to the end , she will be at my c section regardless if she is working that day or not same as last time (she is the only person that is allowed to deal with my Care other than high risk doctor) she will deal with all after care with baby up until 3 weeks, she even made it possible for my husband to be at every appointment scans or not ( I do feel bad sitting in waiting room with him while others half to sit on there own) he was allowed to stay with me post c section in hospital and she’s has aranged that regardless of covid rules around about my due date that he will be with me threw out whole thing and stay with me for the 2 night after my csection in a private room but if you do struggle with your mental health maybe you should check if your hospital provides mental health mid wife’s and the support they give is 2nd to none I do often feel bad because I get a higher standard of treatment and more intense and close nit than others but it’s all for good reason so it’s worth a try asking if your struggling x

I actually have a completely different opinion from some of the people on here who IMO are actually being really unkind..
I think you have an utterly shit midwife and I think if you spoke to a good one they would try and reassure you as best they can.
Midwives are there for the woman.. no matter what their caseload.
Pregnancy is one of the most anxious times of a woman’s life and they should be acutely aware of the emotions you are feeling and the thoughts and feelings they provoke.. not only that the hormones racing in your body make things 1000 times worse. One of these being adrenaline.. the main source of anxiety.. this is not a new concept this is what they are trained to deal with.
You are not sensitive at all and everything you think and feel is completely valid. I actually feel sorry for the people around the nasty people on this thread for saying you are being over the top.. little empathy, no support and a ‘kicking whilst your down’ mentality.. this is allutter horse shit im afraid.. seek reassurance and support from people who actually help and show love and support!!!!!! Always always talk about how you feel and never feel like you shouldn’t.