Setting Expectations with my parents about upcoming grandchild

[PinkRose04]

Ok so I'm going to type this out as it comes so I will try to make this flow as much as I can.

I've been with my partner for almost 4 years. My partner is supportive and always there for me when I've needed him and I have every faith he will be an amazing father!

2 years ago I found out i was pregnant. I had been living with my partner for a year and we'd found out about the pregnancy whilst we had our own place. The reason for telling you this will hopefully make sense.

It was my partners first time moving out so he wasn't the cleanest but I wasn't either when I first moved out it's one of those things you learn.My mum is very house proud and loves to be clean. I hate mess too but mum's standards are VERY high. Whilst I was 7 weeks pregnant I realised I had depression that was quite bad. I didn't recognise the signs at first the joggers stage and the subpar housekeeping, Don't worry you could still see the floor...Sadly this depression would get much worse.

My mum would visit and once she'd come over and started to clean I asked her not to do that as I would sort it. She then said something very
hurtful that I've still not forgotten she said " This house is filithy (it wasn't) it needs to be cleaner when you have a baby or it will get taken away the poor thing won't stand a chance". That really hurt my feelings and I asked how she would feel if her own mum said those sorts of things to her.

2 weeks later I had an early pregnancy loss. My depression got MUCH worse. It was a scary time as I couldn't figure out what these feelings were. This wasn't helped when my dad said " But there wasn't anything there" , meaning it wasn't a real baby..when I was struggling with the feelings of loss. Often they can say truly hurtful things to me and I hate it. Anyway in time I saw light at the end of the tunnel things got easier.

So fast forward to now and we are expecting our 1st child (fingers crossed ) in sept. My parents were really happy for us. Like many couples the covid axe hit us and my partner and I had to move in to our parents houses. We are looking at moving out in June. So we will have a clearer idea on where we stand with covid.

Now what im worried about is some of the comments my parents have been saying. These comments have me a bit anxious about potential overtaking they could try to do. I really hope I don't look like a nob here as I know they're excited but I've read here that many mums feel like they're being taken over.

They know that me and partner are of course going to be moving into our own place yet last week my dad said " ohh so you'll live here with the baby then? " . I said " erm no I would be in a house with my partner dad?"
Bit weird of a comment but I didn't press.

My parents already have a granddaughter from my brother and his wife and they didn't see her that often due to her being with sister in laws family. Dad had expressed his annoyance at hardly seeing his G.D to which I had to politely let him know that it's natural my bros wife would lean on her own family more it's not personal.

When they first found out about my 2nd pregnancy they both said " ohh maybe we'd see this one alot more then coz you'd need the help". Bit offended to assume they'd think I'd NEED the help but appreciate they probs didn't mean it how it sounded, So to try and gently set expectations I said "I'm happy to accept the help but I'm not sure how much I will need as I plan to be a SAHM" Then dad said " ohhh well we wouldn't be in your faces everyday"

They then said they'd buy all the baby stuff. I know they meant well but I'd prefer to be asked not told. I said "it's ok we've got it covered we will probs buy stuff further down the line, but if we need anything by all means we will let you know" Truth be told I don't like feeling as though I'm depending on others to fund my child. I can afford the pram etc.
Also it's my partners first child and maybe he wants to buy things for him or her?

Next was last week my dad was talking about getting a football kit of the team he supports for the baby. That's cool i don't care about that it's only clothes and if they want to buy clothing I'm not going to begrudge them. I said " aww that's really sweet dad I know (says partners name) is thinking fo doing that too" He went " oh yeh" then went silent.

I feel like they forget sometimes that this is my partners child too. I don't want my partner feeling pushed out.

Ok so am I being over sensitive or just seeing potential issues?

It sounds like they do need to be reminded of boundaries oP but it also sounds like you are doing a good job of doing that. And it will get easier when you move out, just keep being firm. And congratulations!

It sounds like they are excited which is fair enough but neither of them seem to recognise that you and your dp are grown ups and will be leaving before the baby is born.

I'd start leaving property papers around and discussing preferred areas. And perhaps suggest they buy or lend you a specific item (cot?) for the baby. Tell them you have the rest covered. Allow them to be involved but on you and your partner's terms. Set your boundaries early and stick to them.

Congratulations

Sadly the do still see me as younger then I'am. I don't think that will ever change. The property idea is a great one thank you I will be doing that. I also like the idea of giving them the option to buy something of list so they feel needed

I think you are being oversensitive. Why don’t you wait until your baby is here before worrying about issues.

Sorry but you sound quite difficult and hard to please. Your parents are probably worried about your situation. Both you and your partner have gone back home and don't even live together. Why didn't you wait till you had your own place again.

How old are you both?

Hiya SoWhyNot honestly a lot of past issues that have got me to my points of feeling how I'm feeling now.

However I'm happy to consider if I'am being oversensitive. Perhaps reading some of the overtaking grandparents threads perhaps haven't helped.

Over sensitive

@PinkRose04

Hiya SoWhyNot honestly a lot of past issues that have got me to my points of feeling how I'm feeling now.

However I'm happy to consider if I'am being oversensitive. Perhaps reading some of the overtaking grandparents threads perhaps haven't helped.

From the few posts you have put on here I can see it as grandparents who are worried that their daughter isn’t in a stable and committed relationship (you aren’t married and aren’t living together which gives the impression that you didn’t intend to get pregnant) and you have a history of depression. I’d also speculate you aren’t financially stable due to moving into your parents’ houses. I appreciate I don’t have the full picture but as a mother, I’d be concerned about my daughter in the same situation.

On the plus side, an overly clean house is often a potential flag for concern for a HV after you have a baby so definitely ignore that comment.

I hope all goes well for you and once you are in your own property again your relationship with your parents improve.

Hi Viviennemary oh dear I didn't wish to come across like that. Looking at your view they could be worried I hadn't considered that, however we have lived together before and have only moved back due to redundancies / covid. We didn't plan on that shitstorm sadly. It is only a temp situation and plan to have our own place again shortly.

i don't know how old you are, but in order to try to train them to realise you are a grown-up, and you and your partner and baby will be forming a new discrete family, maybe you could mention your partner whenever possible.
eg re buying nursery items, you could say thanks, Jason was really grateful, he says would you like to get some sleepsuits perhaps.
just keep mentioning him, all the time, but lightly, in a friendly manner.
so as to self-define as his partner, and you his, and jointly both as the parents of the coming baby.
you can't change your parents' attitudes, but you can choose how you present yourself.
good luck.

They just sound like they’re excited for their grandchild tbh. Is also assume you moved back in with them for financial reasons so it makes sense that they might think you need a lot a help financially.

I can though see why it grates on you so much if you feel like you’re living on top of each other so much. I imagine if you lived somewhere else you’d be able to brush off the comments that annoyed you much more.

Just focus on getting your own place and maybe reassure you’re parents a bit about the financials. It sounds like they need reminding that you’re an adult. I wouldn’t worry about how they’ll be with DC just yet though, I’m sure the boundaries will sort themselves out once you move.

SoWhyNot I can totally see where you're coming from. Thank you I hadn't considered that side this is why I like to use forums to explore things from other viewpoints.

At the same time, being worried doesn’t make it ok to overstep the boundaries but I can see how they feel more of a protective feeling around you now that you are back living with them. As you say, you will have your own place again soon and then things can change - when they say about buying things just thank them for being kind and say once you’ve moved and settled, you’ll be able to see what you need and what space you have.

I will just wait and see it's all I can do. Thank you for everyones comments so far.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say that was really hurtful of your Dad to say that after your loss. Did you ever have a proper conversation with him to discuss the way he made you feel?
It might help to do this to help you be more assertive during this pregnancy. You will need to continue this assertiveness as there will be many times where you will need to speak up about things you're not happy with, unexpected visits from family members etc.

It doesn't seem like he is a very considerate person, given the whole not even thinking about the fact your partner would want to get the baby his choice of kit, and that must be difficult to manage.

I agree with previous posters about suggesting they purchase one big item and then you can get the rest. That way they feel that they have contributed but you can also still contribute yourself as you want to.

Someone will be here soon with some better advice, but I hope things work out.

I wouldn't worry, I can see why you have taken some of the comments to heart but on the face of them they aren't actually bad. Asking will you be living with them after baby is born, hardly a weird question when you currently do live with them. Offering to buy things - again not unreasonable as you are living with them due to a lack of money. Offering to help - totally normal. They might buy a little themed outfit - nothing, seems like just making conversation.

I wouldn't worry about the threads on here. Anyway there are 100x as many "don't help at all gp" threads as there are "over taking gp" threads.

The easiest way to get your parents to understand that you are competent to look after a baby is to competently look after a baby. You have needed their support (too much) until recently. So that is how they judge you right now. Get your own place asap move out and start being excellent parents. Presumably your parents will be mightily relieved and develop normal grandparental relationships with the child without feeling they have to oversee you. At the moment you sound a teensy bit like ds who used to say he was an independent adult all the while earning no money and living with me!

I don't have the easiest of relationships with my mum, one thing I have learnt over the years is that sometimes I have to give a little and let her feel useful. It stops her trying to create a use for herself which is often not useful.
Do some research for what you would like to get for the baby and pick item that you wouldn't mind them buying. When we had our little one our parents between them paid for the pram and car seat originally one set of parents were going to buy the pram and the other the car seat but we got an amazing pram second hand so there was quite a price difference between the two so we asked if they would buy both jointly
If you want to get all the big things yourself there are lots of little things you could ask them to get - a changing mat or baby bath/bath seat.

Hi BebesChamber I didn't as my dad is quite old school and if he feels he is right then that's that!

The football kit thing didn't actually bother me as such. I was just thinking about how my partner might feel as I know new dad's can feel pushed out quite easily. I realise my dad didn't mean this with any malice he just got excited.

I will be revisiting the baby items once we're all moved in as I think that is great advice and will help them to feel needed.

I welcome all advice, after all when you use a forum you're opening yourself up to all opnions and looking at others views helps us grow.

It sounds like your parents are just trying to help as much as possible but slightly forgetting you and your partner are adults. They seem very supportive ie having you both live there, mum cleaning your place etc which is way better than having them not give a crap at all, and I reckon you'll really appreciate support once the baby is here. Also don't forget if you went through really bad depression they will have been affected by this too and keen to make sure you don't sink into it again.

That said, setting some boundaries isn't a bad idea. What was your dad's reaction after you said you'd be moving out?

Sorry i'm not sure how to direct comments to usernames.

We have lived together for a while and only moved back to each others parents in Nov 2020 so we haven't been at each others parents houses for very long. I should have mentioned that as I know I would be thinking along the same lines as others such as why are they having a baby when they don't have their own place. I was trying to provide some backstory into why I could be oversensitive to their comments or potential take over.

I do not think it's right to purposely raise a baby under someone else's roof and I don't intend to stay with my parents. Not because I don't love them but because it is hard to be seen as adult when you're living with your parents.

I have a job and some savings that I will be using towards the place, my partner recently got a well paying new role that he hopes to start in april. Looking at moving in June so he has 3 months worth of payslips .
We can only afford to rent . So he will be doing his bit financially aswell

My dad seemed a bit upset about me moving out.

I live with my parents my partner lives with his again only temp

It has helped me see things from their point of view though so thank you for taking the time to give advice. Some good ideas here that I can use going forward

To be honest I think it’s a bit much to move back in with your parents without your partner and then complain that they’re not giving you enough recognition as a financially independent adult with a partner.