Setting Expectations with my parents about upcoming grandchild

[PinkRose04]

Ok so I'm going to type this out as it comes so I will try to make this flow as much as I can.

I've been with my partner for almost 4 years. My partner is supportive and always there for me when I've needed him and I have every faith he will be an amazing father!

2 years ago I found out i was pregnant. I had been living with my partner for a year and we'd found out about the pregnancy whilst we had our own place. The reason for telling you this will hopefully make sense.

It was my partners first time moving out so he wasn't the cleanest but I wasn't either when I first moved out it's one of those things you learn.My mum is very house proud and loves to be clean. I hate mess too but mum's standards are VERY high. Whilst I was 7 weeks pregnant I realised I had depression that was quite bad. I didn't recognise the signs at first the joggers stage and the subpar housekeeping, Don't worry you could still see the floor...Sadly this depression would get much worse.

My mum would visit and once she'd come over and started to clean I asked her not to do that as I would sort it. She then said something very
hurtful that I've still not forgotten she said " This house is filithy (it wasn't) it needs to be cleaner when you have a baby or it will get taken away the poor thing won't stand a chance". That really hurt my feelings and I asked how she would feel if her own mum said those sorts of things to her.

2 weeks later I had an early pregnancy loss. My depression got MUCH worse. It was a scary time as I couldn't figure out what these feelings were. This wasn't helped when my dad said " But there wasn't anything there" , meaning it wasn't a real baby..when I was struggling with the feelings of loss. Often they can say truly hurtful things to me and I hate it. Anyway in time I saw light at the end of the tunnel things got easier.

So fast forward to now and we are expecting our 1st child (fingers crossed ) in sept. My parents were really happy for us. Like many couples the covid axe hit us and my partner and I had to move in to our parents houses. We are looking at moving out in June. So we will have a clearer idea on where we stand with covid.

Now what im worried about is some of the comments my parents have been saying. These comments have me a bit anxious about potential overtaking they could try to do. I really hope I don't look like a nob here as I know they're excited but I've read here that many mums feel like they're being taken over.

They know that me and partner are of course going to be moving into our own place yet last week my dad said " ohh so you'll live here with the baby then? " . I said " erm no I would be in a house with my partner dad?"
Bit weird of a comment but I didn't press.

My parents already have a granddaughter from my brother and his wife and they didn't see her that often due to her being with sister in laws family. Dad had expressed his annoyance at hardly seeing his G.D to which I had to politely let him know that it's natural my bros wife would lean on her own family more it's not personal.

When they first found out about my 2nd pregnancy they both said " ohh maybe we'd see this one alot more then coz you'd need the help". Bit offended to assume they'd think I'd NEED the help but appreciate they probs didn't mean it how it sounded, So to try and gently set expectations I said "I'm happy to accept the help but I'm not sure how much I will need as I plan to be a SAHM" Then dad said " ohhh well we wouldn't be in your faces everyday"

They then said they'd buy all the baby stuff. I know they meant well but I'd prefer to be asked not told. I said "it's ok we've got it covered we will probs buy stuff further down the line, but if we need anything by all means we will let you know" Truth be told I don't like feeling as though I'm depending on others to fund my child. I can afford the pram etc.
Also it's my partners first child and maybe he wants to buy things for him or her?

Next was last week my dad was talking about getting a football kit of the team he supports for the baby. That's cool i don't care about that it's only clothes and if they want to buy clothing I'm not going to begrudge them. I said " aww that's really sweet dad I know (says partners name) is thinking fo doing that too" He went " oh yeh" then went silent.

I feel like they forget sometimes that this is my partners child too. I don't want my partner feeling pushed out.

Ok so am I being over sensitive or just seeing potential issues?

Can I ask why both you and your partner didn't move into the same house, whether that's your parents or his? That rings alarm bells to me and probably does to your parents too - i.e. why wouldn't you be prioritising being a family unit? Can he now move in with you - I would think that would help; June feels a long way away and you surely would want/ need your partner there supporting you during the pregnancy anyway?!

Congratulations OP.

So honestly I feel like they can't do right for doing wrong. They sound supportive and you are happy for them to step in and put you up when you need the help. But on the same hand you aren't happy with specific wording.

It's a joyous time for all, try to work this out to enjoy it rather than being on edge for the wrong reasons. Assume every one has the same interests at heart x

What you've described sounds a lot like me. Forget the negative comments, apart from them they just sound like typical grandparents for their age.

You sounds stressed and irritated. Have you been sleeping and eating okay? You need a break and a lot of rest. Maybe move out earlier too so that they start having boundaries that suit you.

You've had good advice here but I just wanted to add one more thing: consider getting married if you're going to have a baby and give up work. You need to make sure you're not financially vulnerable.

@PinkRose04 do not for a single moment beat yourself up over any of this ! Or any comments that aren’t so kind

You have had a child lost ... no matter how early on, now covid hit and like you said it’s a shit storm for everyone .. and let’s be honest if yous had to move back home (witch obviously yous did) it’s probs better you both went to your own parents house ! Living with someone’s else’s parents can put a huge strain on yous as a couple so I’d say it was the right move ! This pregnancy is a blessing planned or not it’s also a blessing regardless if yous are set up at the moment ! Yous will get there it may be tough but yous will ! You have every right to be as what people may say “ over sensitive” you’ve been threw some stuff and you don’t want people let alone your mum and dad thinking you can’t cope !! All this sounds like you want is to be the best mum you can be and you want to be a family with your partner and baby ! There’s nothing wrong with that , things might seem bigger than they actually are simply because your away from the comfort of being round your partner all the time , take your time be easy on yourself ! And my biggest advice when the baby’s here is .... do your best and leave the rest

In the nicest possible way, I can see their point. You sound very young psychologically, you’re at home and not currently living with your partner because your finances are precarious, despite you having a job and savings, you have a history of bad pregnancy depression, you’re planning to be a SAHM without being married (which is extremely risky), and you seem quite enmeshed with your parents and what they think about things.

I’m not suggesting you’re to blame for any of this stuff, but it contributes to their obvious sense of you still being a dependent child, not a separate financially- and psychologically-independent adult with her own family unit.

Also, and obviously you don’t need to answer this on here, but the dates suggest you would have conceived after you’d moved back separately to your parents’ houses because COVID had hit your finances so hard — assuming it wasn’t planned may also contribute to your parents’ sense of you as needing support.

Just a point from personal experience - I find I wanted/needed my mum's help for the first couple of months much more than I thought I would! After that, DD started sleeping better and I was ok on my own, but up to that point I had a baby I could hardly put down night or day - having another pair of hands was amazing - even though DH is great with her he has to work!

Unless your house is unhygienic rather than a bit messy your mum was wrong about cleaning the house previously, though she may have believed what she said to you.

The one thing I'd struggle to get over is your dad's comment when you lost your previous baby. You may not want to do this because it may not help you (in which case please don't), but there are images easily available online of 9 week old fetuses. I would be tempted to show him one and ask him to acknowledge that there was something there. But you may be less confrontational than me! Having said all that, again he may have believed what he said and just been incredibly clumsily trying to help you. I don't think anyone really knows what to say to someone who's had a miscarriage.

They don't treat you like an adult because you haven't been acting like one. Through your depression they probably felt like they had to help save you or support you (depression isn't something you can control) and whether they were actually helpful to you only you know. They may also suspect that you will be depressed whilst pregnant again and will need support
i hope you have been able to get help from your midwife. Moving in with them signifies your relying on them to bail you out and maybe that is why they think you will need the extra support. You intend to be a sahm whilst your partner and you can only afford to rent and are not married. You don't seem to understand that this puts you in a difficult circumstance financially hence why your parents are maybe offering to buy everything.You are attempting to establish boundaries and hopefully they will be respectful of you going forward. Your post comes across as though you think you are more independent than you actually are.

I think they are valid in their reasons for worry about you. You have a history of depression (which makes Pnd more likely), you aren’t in a stable relationship, and you aren’t financially secure enough to stand on your own feet so you’re living with them. Plus on top of all of these things it’s verg concerning that you were ttc while living seperately to your dp.

None of this behaviour screams responsible or independant so I probably think your mum had a point about the cleanliness of the house. And contrary to what others have said, in my experience as someone who had pna and pnd, HV are very interested in how clean you keep your house. They aren’t looking for things to be super clean but it does form part of their assessment criteria, and if your house isn’t hygienic you may see greater involvement than you normally would.

Except for the comment from your mum about your house and your dads insensitive comment about your miscarriage, I don't see that they've done or said anything else wrong.

I think you are being oversensitive and its probably best to stop reading the overbearing parents threads. They sound supportive. Asking if you will be living there with the baby when you do currently live there is hardly offensive. Try to relax and let them be excited without shutting down every contribution. It is also normal in many families for parents to make a big purchase like a cot or pram, so I wouldn't be offended at the offer. Especially as you moved back home for financial reasons, I'm thinking that if you were my daughter I would probably assume that buying all the baby stuff was going to be difficult and that I would like to help if I could.
You're obviously still very hurt about the comments in the previous pregnancy. I think at this point you have to either bring it up and have a conversation with them about how it made you feel, or let it go. My own mum has the same opinion about early miscarriages and has made similar comments to me about my own early losses, its hurtful but it's just how she is.