Feeling like a failure if I choose to have a c-section

[FirstTimeMumma2021]

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this?

I'm due in 9 weeks and have been set against having a c-section unless medically necessary. I've got a few underlying medical conditions which make me high risk so I know there's a chance of an EMCS.
Over the past week, I've been weighing it up that, knowing my own health and my baby and wanting to do what I think is best, I've thought a planned c-section would be best.

I met with the Dr, though it wasn't my own Dr, and had to really fight my case and was in tears. I felt I was given some really outdated information and, I was already struggling with the emotional impact of it. Although she finally agreed, I felt like even more of a complete failure and a mum already when I left. My anxiety now is worse than ever between doing what I think will be best and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure.

Just wondering if anyone has felt like this and how you managed to make the decision? x

I had a 3rd degree tear verging on 4th with my second along with a Pph and wanted to request a csection for this one as I've been having panic attacks and stuff as it took me almost 3 months just to be able to stand or sit for a longer period of time.

I had a meeting with my consultant and she flat out told me no.
She wouldn't even listen to my reasoning. She said no, because the chance of infection is so high.
I obviously got upset because I'd been getting the confidence up to talk about it with her and she shot me down instantly.
I tried to discuss it more and all she said was "Well maybe it won't be as bad this time" sent me outside and said she'll get me an appointment for a second opinion because she won't say yes.

I'm now 38 weeks and heading for a vaginal birth.
Absolutely dreading the thought of tearing so badly again.
But I just didn't have the confidence to fight it.

You have to be very strong willed and willing to say "No this is what I want"
And if you're on the NHS, they have to find someone to accept it.

I wasn't offered a planned CS but decided to try induction & vaginal first. After no luck trying to induce (I didn't want the drip) I decided to go to for the CS. I did feel very sorry for myself & had some guilt but although it wasn't the birth I would have liked (have already had a VB) it absolutely was the best choice for my dc.

I'm suprised if you have underlying conditions that they haven't offered you one though.

I think it's really mixed, I had emergency section with my son. I lost twins last year and had to have them through a normal vagina birth. I have requested a c-section for this baby based on what happened. The consultant was really supportive and said it will help me separate what happened. I was ready to fight but really didn't need to. I am so sorry you have been made up feel bad! It doesn't make you any less of a mum, it's about doing what is right for you and your baby.

I've never had a C-section but I felt like a failure when I was consistently ignored and not listened to in. Being infantilised seems to be a common issue during maternity care. We should all be empowered in our decisions, and not feel like we are marching into battle.

Don't feel guilty. Do it if you feel it would be best for you. I wish I had and if I have another one I'll def be asking for an elective section.

Not listened to*

Anyway what I was trying to get at is that your experience with the horrible consultant could be the reason for your upset as opposed to the decision itself. I see no reason why you should feel rubbish based on having a c-section.

Nope. Not at all.

I put the safe delivery of my baby above anything anyone thought and good luck to any one daring to pass comment or opinion on this decision.

Couldn’t give a shiney shite how my baby got into my arms, as long as they got into my arms without trauma and with reduced risk.

I've had 3 VB's and 1 ELCS with twins, I felt just as proud after each at how I managed to carry my babies. Tbh I'm extremely proud of enduring pregnancy with my twins as they were 17lb combined at birth, not many can say that lol.
I was dead set against a CS but our girls were breech so it was the safest way to deliver. Recovery was no easier or harder after vb or cs, I will opt for a vbac this time but prepared to go with an emcs or elcs if needed. I will not feel like a failure either way.
Personally only felt a failure after my mc's, silly but it's just how I felt about them.

The decision was taken out of my hands as I had breech DTs and no doctor would have agreed to a vaginal delivery, not that I would have wanted one. I don’t feel like I failed at all, it was the only way to ensure the safe delivery of my babies.

I know it seems like such a huge thing at the moment, but The way my DCs exited my body is the least interesting thing about them.

There's absolutely no moral value to how you have your baby. Having a vaginal birth doesn't mean you 'win' at some obscure game of birth.

Honestly, OP, don't give it another thought from the 'failure' point of view.

Tbh I'm extremely proud of enduring pregnancy with my twins as they were 17lb combined at birth, not many can say that lol.

Well done, I had a 9lb

@SnooperTrooper12345

Chance of infection? Not sure I understand. In my trust, they tend to go with maternal choice as long as you understand the risks, but if the risk for CS is particularly high for you, I guess that is something you have to go with.

I hope that things go much better for you this time.

Hi OP. You are absolutely not a failure for either wanting a c-section or having one.
It doesn’t matter if the doctor disagrees.
A c-section does carry a number of risks and it can be difficult to recover from (I’ve had two - one EMCS when my DD was deceased (tried induction but I was haemorrhaging internally and almost died before they realised) and one planned because my DD is severely disabled and couldn’t have been delivered naturally.
Before I knew about my DD’s disability (we found out at the 20 week scan), the hospital point blank refused an elective section. I was prepared to go private because there was no way I was risking my baby again.
Sorry to mention traumatic things - I only do so because hospitals take the cheapest and easiest way. They had stats up on the delivery suite walls when I was pregnant with my first and doing antenatal classes showing how few c-sections they’d had. It only takes a walk around the local cemetery to wonder how wise the incentive to birth naturally at any cost is (I had a breech, not moving much, not growing well SD first time and they didn’t even send me for a check up to the hospital when I was very concerned at 38 weeks).
You may have to fight but the baby and your wishes count more than the hospital’s wishes

@FirstTimeMumma2021
You are not a failure; you are brilliant, and you are making the choice you believe is best for you and your baby. You stuck it out in the face of opposition and frankly this says more about the Dr than about you; your body, your pregnancy, your choice.
Never feel like a failure because you weighed up your options and made a choice someone else didn't agree with.

@SnooperTrooper12345 I am SO sorry you've had this experience.
Are you particularly prone/ vulnerable to infection?
If it's just infections relating to CS generally & not you specifically then if you want a CS call them on Monday and tell them and contact NHS England and explain your experience because you certainly haven't been treated according to the NHS code. I'm sorry you don't feel confident to fight this but your mental health and wellbeing - as well as physical (in regards to the tearing) is important and this Dr has treated you poorly.

I am going to ask for a CS and I am dreading the resistance which has already begun but I have severe anxiety about birth too and have done my research so I will not be told by anyone how my baby is exiting my body unless our specific health/ circumstances require a different course of action for medical reasons.

Best of luck and love to you both xxxx

@Postprandial

There's absolutely no moral value to how you have your baby. Having a vaginal birth doesn't mean you 'win' at some obscure game of birth.

Honestly, OP, don't give it another thought from the 'failure' point of view.

THIS, absolutely.

I had ds by planned Csection (insisted on by my consultant as Ds was standing breech. in the event i went into labour at 37 weeks anyway and ds had the cord around his neck twice so would not have survived a normal labour and was in SCBU for a bit anyway). My NCT leader said: 'never mind, perhaps you can do it properly next time' (!!!)
I wanted to have Dd by VBAC as I had an ASD toddler and was on crutches by then and the thought of all that with Csec recovery too was scary. but she was transverse at term so it was another Csec.

I am just HUGELY grateful they were born okay and I was ok too.

OP you push for the birth plan you need. stay flexible about it at the time and never feel a failure. good luck and I hope all goes well xx

There certainly seems to be a huge discrepancy between what consultants/hospitals offer. Mine strongly pushed for a CS & I thought somewhat glossed over the risks & recovery. I had to really push for trying for VB first.

I had a section after a traumatic first birth, I didn't need to fight my corner at all,I was told they are very much maternal choice now. Don't feel guilty op for the bint, in a year's time it won't matter how your baby came into the world, as long as you are both safe! Nothing else matters.

Don't feel guilty for your choice I mean!

I would take an ELCS over the risk of an EMCS without question. My first ended up as an EMCS and it was frankly quite distressing. I felt a bit like a failure then as I had tried so so hard to push out my DD but she was stuck fast! The feelings faded fairly quickly though, the important thing was she was out safely. My second was planned and it was lovely and calm and not at all distressing. Speaking from experience, I think you have made a wise decision, so try to feel guilty or a failure (wanting a safe delivery is absolutely not failing!)

[quote whenwillsantagetvaccinated]@SnooperTrooper12345

Chance of infection? Not sure I understand. In my trust, they tend to go with maternal choice as long as you understand the risks, but if the risk for CS is particularly high for you, I guess that is something you have to go with.

I hope that things go much better for you this time. [/quote]
Just literally from the scar healing afterwards. That's her only reason she said no 🤷🏼‍♀️

[quote ILoveBountys]@FirstTimeMumma2021
You are not a failure; you are brilliant, and you are making the choice you believe is best for you and your baby. You stuck it out in the face of opposition and frankly this says more about the Dr than about you; your body, your pregnancy, your choice.
Never feel like a failure because you weighed up your options and made a choice someone else didn't agree with.

@SnooperTrooper12345 I am SO sorry you've had this experience.
Are you particularly prone/ vulnerable to infection?
If it's just infections relating to CS generally & not you specifically then if you want a CS call them on Monday and tell them and contact NHS England and explain your experience because you certainly haven't been treated according to the NHS code. I'm sorry you don't feel confident to fight this but your mental health and wellbeing - as well as physical (in regards to the tearing) is important and this Dr has treated you poorly.

I am going to ask for a CS and I am dreading the resistance which has already begun but I have severe anxiety about birth too and have done my research so I will not be told by anyone how my baby is exiting my body unless our specific health/ circumstances require a different course of action for medical reasons.

Best of luck and love to you both xxxx[/quote]
Nope, no higher than normal.
She was just referring to there being a higher chance of a C section wound becoming infected compared to a 3rd/4th degree tear.
Literally it.

I've got my head around accepting a vaginal birth now and the second opinion consultant gave me lots of other options to hopefully avoid tearing to bad, like they won't let me go over due as my babies tend to be big. Baby I teared with was 11lb.
So I'm not feeling as worried.

@SnooperTrooper12345

I had a 3rd degree tear verging on 4th with my second along with a Pph and wanted to request a csection for this one as I've been having panic attacks and stuff as it took me almost 3 months just to be able to stand or sit for a longer period of time.

I had a meeting with my consultant and she flat out told me no.
She wouldn't even listen to my reasoning. She said no, because the chance of infection is so high.
I obviously got upset because I'd been getting the confidence up to talk about it with her and she shot me down instantly.
I tried to discuss it more and all she said was "Well maybe it won't be as bad this time" sent me outside and said she'll get me an appointment for a second opinion because she won't say yes.

I'm now 38 weeks and heading for a vaginal birth.
Absolutely dreading the thought of tearing so badly again.
But I just didn't have the confidence to fight it.

You have to be very strong willed and willing to say "No this is what I want"
And if you're on the NHS, they have to find someone to accept it.

This is poor care and against guidelines. You have a valid reason for wanting an ELCS and you should have been given a proper, balanced discussion of the risks vs attempting a vaginal birth.

Why do you feel like a failure? You did the right thing for you. Drs will always try and persuade you not to because of the cost.

I’be requested a c section with no medical reason - I am just terrified by the idea of a vaginal birth. I told my midwife at my booking appointment and she was fine about it - I think it helps that I was very much 100% sure.

Maybe if they felt you had doubts they thought they could maybe convince you to still do a vaginal? It sounds like your doctor maybe is really against c sections - I think you should complain and ask to discuss it with someone else.

You have the right to give birth how you want, and it’s really unfair that we often have to fight for this. It’s exhausting.

Don’t feel like a failure at all. You need to do what’s best for you. I really hate this whole thing of giving birth ‘naturally’ versus medical interventions, and those interventions being seen as ‘bad’. It seems to be unique to pregnancy. If someone broke their leg you wouldn’t say ‘well let’s just see if it sorts itself out naturally’ xxx