Baby kicks - Am I overthinking things?

[BabyDaddy01]

Hi folks,

Soon to be dad here (due date May 23rd).

I'm feeling a little anxious and I hope all you wonderful people can help.

Until a few days ago my partner (30 weeks +3 pregnant)was a bit slack with the whole kick counting. I tried to encourage her to download an app but she would just brush it off and say that she's pregnant, she knows her body and will know if something changes etc. For me, because I'm not the one carrying the baby, it just helps keep me at ease. Counting kicks is a nice thing for us to do together and what not.

Anyway, yesterday, like I do every day, I asked how the baby was doing. She said good but not as active as she usually is. I asked her again to download an app to keep track and she finally did.

Baby is usually active in the morning and I usually feel a few kicks. This morning I didn't feel any but my partner felt the 10 kicks the app advised within about 40 mins. Usually she would feel 10 kicks in about 10 mins but the last 2 days baby has not been as active.

Even though the baby is moving, the whole 'she's not as active' has sent me into a massive panic. Am I over thinking this or do I need to ask my partner to call the midwife?

@emilyfrost

I wouldn’t push her to download a kick counter; they’re useless and there really is no need to count each kick.

Your wife should listen to her body; she’ll know when baby is most active and what feels normal.

If she’s telling you baby is less active, she should contact the midwife and mention she’s had reduced movements. They can check her out, put her on the ACG monitor and check baby’s okay.

They would always much rather someone come in when not necessary then miss something important. She doesn’t need to feel silly if everything is okay, just relieved.

I didn't push her to download it. I mentioned it a few weeks ago and then again yesterday. If anything, I thought it'd be a nice, fun thing for us to do together. If they're useless then fine - I'll tell her not to use it, but like I said, this is all new to me so I don't know the ins and outs of pregnancy. Like I said, what I interpret as 'not as active' and what she interprets it as could be very different. not very active to a marathon runner and not very active to a sedentary person are two very different things - this is why I'm coming on here to try and get advice and to LEARN.

You don’t need to interpret it. It’s her body.

I wouldn’t find downloading a kick counter and having to input the data on my husband’s say so a very fun thing to do at all.

Seriously. You're being really overbearing and treating her like an idiot incubator. "I'll tell her not to do it"? You don't need to tell her, because she clearly never wanted to in the first place, and also shes got it covered. She doesn't need you to "interpret" the kicks for her.

If you can't manage your own anxiety around this, seek support, but stop bugging your wife.

You need to trust your partner to carry the baby, she will know if the pattern changes. I'd be pretty annoyed if my DP kept nagging me to log all the kicks in an app so he could keep track. It's nice your concerned but pregnancy is a stressful time as it is without someone in your ear asking you to do this and that

Kick counting was actively discouraged by my midwife as "all babies and movements are different" However, I was specifically told to contact the hospital if there were ANY CHANGES in movements. Whether it's the intensity, duration, time of day, etc. You get the idea. If I were your partner, I'd call up for advice and asked to be seen.

Please do some online CBT courses to manage your anxiety
Newborn issues will be even more challenging
You cannot do everything via an app

www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/anxiety/?WT.tsrc=Search&WT.mc_id=Anxiety&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0caCBhCIARIsAGAfuMzEtoBsXFMNFm_U8CgHGq4HaEyhooGgv5JOtSF4q6OK3l__MVJB7_waAlslEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

As a midwife, the fact that there are apps out there that act as kick counters concerns me. They can falsely provide reassurance or induce anxiety etc. There is no set number of kicks a baby should do every hour/day etc. Presumably your partner has been informed that she needs to contact her unit if she is concerned about the movements...you will just need to trust her to recognise if she needs to do this. I honestly would just back off a bit and find something else nice to do together and don't mansplain what she "should" be doing.

...but you can access anxiety support via app

It doesn't sound as if you're being controlling OP (though obviously impossible to tell on an internet forum). It sounds as if you've made suggestions and she has taken them on. It sounds as if you are discussing the health of your child together.

Please please ask her again to check it out. My cousin lost her baby (not due to kicks) but there were signs that she noticed but didn't think were serious enough to bother the midwife with. Her DH asked her to contact the midwife (just once) and she ignored him. You can imagine her regret that she did not listen. I don't know if he also regrets not trying to do his best to persuade her to go to the midwife, but maybe he does. She knew 'best' and her decision killed their baby.
She has since told me that midwives spent the whole of her second pregnancy telling her to call them about every little thing. They love to be called and then everything turns out okay. They hate to be called a day later when it's too late to save the child.

Advocate for your child, OP. Do your best to persuade her, gently. If you do your best there is nothing else you can do.

@ScarfaceCwaw

Maybe she doesn't find having you monitoring her body "a nice fun thing to do".

Your wife loves your baby, no? She wants to protect it and have it be born safely? She's told you she doesn't have concerns and doesn't want to call. Unless you have reason to believe she is neglectful of the pregnancy or not in her right mind, it's time to back off. She has it covered and your hovering is probably stressing and irritating her. It's still her body. Not yours.

How is that me 'monitoring her body'?

I'm not DEMANDNG that she use it. I'm not ORDERING her to count exact kicks. I'm not FORCING her to tell me when she does or doesn't feel the baby move. I'm not DICTATING how she monitors the babies movements.

You're right, she does love our baby and I have not once questioned that, but, we are all human and the desire to not cause a fuss can be strong in people. I've been there myself. I've had injuries where I've not wanted to go to a doctor because I don't want to make a fuss. I; not saying she is doing the same, I'm just saying that some people might need a bit more persuading.

I came here, provided some information and asked a simple question - should I try and get her to call the midwife or am I just panicking for no reason. I didn't come here to be criticized, accused of monitoring or controlling my partner or be told that my concern is of no importance because 'it's her body not mine'.

Leave her alone!
She knows her body and what’s happening inside it.
Please seek help for your anxieties before baby gets here!

Wow, so defensive

When you’re pregnant for 9 months you honestly have days where you just want to forgot you’re pregnant. All conversation turns to pregnancy and people constantly ask how the baby is, is it moving, etc. I used to crave non pregnancy related chat so if my partner had suggested we input her Movements into an app for fun I’d probably wouldn’t have been impressed tbh, just relax, you don’t really need to know much about pregnancy to be able to support her!

@MintLampShade

Kick counting was actively discouraged by my midwife as "all babies and movements are different" However, I was specifically told to contact the hospital if there were ANY CHANGES in movements. Whether it's the intensity, duration, time of day, etc. You get the idea. If I were your partner, I'd call up for advice and asked to be seen.

Well according to most people - I'm overbearing and should back off. So I guess it's not my place to ask her to call unfortunately. It's her body, not mine and the stress of me asking her to call is probably doing more harm than good.

Don't want to be mean but you really need to back off. Your wife will know if she needs to get checked out, if she's telling you it's fine trust her gut feelings. She's the one who's pregnant. You sound really anxious, this is not what your wife needs now, you risk getting her stressed for no reason. If there's an issue, trust me she will pick up on it well before you do. Maybe you need to speak to someone about your feelings?

@FeistySheep

It doesn't sound as if you're being controlling OP (though obviously impossible to tell on an internet forum). It sounds as if you've made suggestions and she has taken them on. It sounds as if you are discussing the health of your child together.

Please please ask her again to check it out. My cousin lost her baby (not due to kicks) but there were signs that she noticed but didn't think were serious enough to bother the midwife with. Her DH asked her to contact the midwife (just once) and she ignored him. You can imagine her regret that she did not listen. I don't know if he also regrets not trying to do his best to persuade her to go to the midwife, but maybe he does. She knew 'best' and her decision killed their baby.
She has since told me that midwives spent the whole of her second pregnancy telling her to call them about every little thing. They love to be called and then everything turns out okay. They hate to be called a day later when it's too late to save the child.

Advocate for your child, OP. Do your best to persuade her, gently. If you do your best there is nothing else you can do.

I don't know why everyone is saying I'm controlling. I SUGGESTED that she download one of those apps after reading about them a few weeks ago and bein g told about them by a friend who is pregnant. Then yesterday when she made a comment about the baby not being as active, again, I SUGGESTED that she download it. TWICE I mentioned it and on both occasion, you guessed it - I SUGGESTED it. I didn't TELL her or ORDER her. There was ZERO element of control.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Wow, so defensive

Would you not be if you came on here seeking friendly advice from other mums yet were peppered with inaccurate comments about you being controlling?

I think the OP is getting a bit of flack on here.
I agree it's too much and overbearing, but its coming from the right place in his heart and he sounds like he is taking everything on board what people are saying.
The whole Kick Counter app probably sounded appealing to him because its a quantifiable, data driven process similar to fitbits etc. Some people's minds just work that way. I personally prefer a more intuitive approach and it seems his partner does too.
You've made your position clear to her now, she will have had it drilled into her about reduced movements so trust me she knows.
It's written on the front of every single document i have received from the hospital, and they mention it at every appointment.
I did go in with reduced movements prob around 26-28 weeks it turned out baby was in a funny position. They said the same to me as they did to a colleague of mine- "Even if you come in every single day, we would rather you do that than worry or feel silly".
So i would just let go and trust your partner, she knows she has your support should she feel the need to go in.

@babydaddy Don't take it to heart please. You should see some of the threads going from 0 to 100 in a minute I get that you are anxious and trying to help. Of course, it's her body but your baby too! Why shouldn't you take interest / be concerned etc. Previous posters are right in saying that most women get so fed up being pregnant towards the end and the constant monitoring of baby is EXHAUSTING mentally. And you try and justify things as "don't want to overreact it" otherwise you could panic pretty much every day!m about something. It's nice you care and want to be involved but it's got to be her decision. I personally think she should call the unit for change in movements and get advice. If they are concerned, they will ask her to go in. If not, they will advise accordingly.

Thanks to those who have given me the friendly advice I was looking for. I appreciate it. This is a learning curve for me, so advice on how to approach it is welcoming.

Sorry but you are being controlling and you are nagging her to download it. Not being controlling would have been asking once and accepting her decision when she said no.

It's her body. I feel baby move 10x as many times as I actually tell OH about it. I'm an adult, my OH trusts that I will raise a concern if I think there is one. There's nothing worse than someone pestering about your own body.

Like I said, what I interpret as 'not as active' and what she interprets it as could be very different. not very active to a marathon runner and not very active to a sedentary person are two very different things - this is why I'm coming on here to try and get advice and to LEARN.

Why so rude? If she is complaining baby is less active it doesn’t matter what that means to you, it means she needs to contact a midwife as she has reduced movements.

I find it really hard and stressful to monitor movements because a baby isn’t a robot programmed to move to a particular routine on a 24 hour loop. I find myself thinking ‘well baby’s movements in the last 2 hours were the baby squirming around gently whereas this time yday and day before it was kicking and my whole belly was moving’. Is that enough to be concerned about? (I decide that no, as long as baby has been doing firm movements before this 2 hour period, it’s just that she’s in a different position or is maybe a bit tired, so I continue to wait for her to make bigger movements. No idea if I’m right but this is just what I do).

All I can say OP is that I’m much better at monitoring movements when I’m relaxed and not distracted by work or anything stressful. Also having extra scans booked privately every few weeks to check blood flow through placenta and cord gives me a bit more peace of mind. I’ve also ended up recording each day’s pattern on my phone so I can look back and compare and try to give myself peace of mind. I have some tricks to get baby kicking if I’m worried eg playing music to bump, jiggling bump, eating and drinking cold water sometimes works. It’s really stressful and tortuous though. Just as I’m about to say to my husband, right I’m worried now and going to hospital, she starts moving again.

I think what you can do to help is to try to give your wife the space / support needed for the clear headedness needed to monitor movements eg by trying to reduce stresses for her, be clear that if she ever wanted to get checked out you’d be happy to drop everything and take her, and carry on gently encouraging her to contact midwives but only when she says she’s concerned. You don’t want to interrupt her concentration by ending up in a battle over who is right about her movements. It is a hard position for you to be in so I sympathise with that. It’s also very very stressful for her.

Hi OP.

I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and have some days when baby is quieter than others but she's still moving regularly. I have growth scans every two weeks as my last baby was small and she's growing like a weed and doing well . I know it's a really anxious time, my other half is always asking about movements but try your best to trust your partners judgement on the movements, she has probably familiarised herself with patterns and will know what's babys normal and what isn't.