Anyone else feel a burden to their midwife?

[MollySxx]

So I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant (counted from LMP) and I have a scan on Friday at the EPU which will be my fourth one to see if the pregnancy is viable as only yolk sac seen 2 weeks ago.

I was meant to have a midwife phone call appointment last Thursday and they rang half an hour before it to say they saw I was being seen by EPU so didn't want to speak to me till after it. So I've been moved to the 25th for the midwife call. I had a lot of questions they haven't been able to answer in the scans. I've had a stillbirth in 2015 and had 3 miscarriages in a row last year (no living children) so rightfully so I'm very anxious. I've had some dull lower back ache for 2 days now and it only eases if I lay day, but I have work and laying down isn't what I can do in work. I've just text the midwife and her response was "when is your scan and inform your GP of the issues"

I honestly just feel like a massive burden and almost like I'm doing this all alone. I can't even explain how anxious I am about everything🥺

Sorry you're feeling this way.
Unfortunately as the midwives have a lot of women on their books, they aren't interested until they know a pregnancy is completely viable or not as it's basically extra workload for them that if it isn't viable, isn't needed. Main reason for them not doing booking appointments ect before 8 weeks, usually 10.

Obviously to that person though, it's difficult when you want some support ❤️

Urgh... thats rubbish. I'm sorry you have had so much loss and are getting so little support. It shouldn't be that way. Though I definitely find the midwives you see through pregnancy a lot more standoff ish than the ones you see in hospital.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and back pain and cramps (quite significant at times) have been part and parcel for all 3. In my first I found it terrifying. I had no idea it was a thing and was just waiting and waiting to miscarry and I didn't have your history.

By baby number 3 I had to just remind myself that as long as I wasn't bleeding then there was nothing to be done. And i also now know that even significant bleeding doesn't mean its all over. Try to remember that back pain and cramps are often a good thing as they mean everything is stretching and bubs is growing.

Another helpful thing someone told me is that the uterus is just a muscle, therefore it only has one response to any situation and that is to contract. So baby wiggles funny and irritates it then you get a cramp.

If it helps in anyway I generally don't find early midwife appts terribly useful other than the reassurance that my blood pressure & urine is okay. But it you need one then call and make an appointment (don't ask). I also haven't seen the same midwife twice as our clinic keeps changing staff.

Also, I know your brain can give up during scans but push to ask questions. Just say I have a few questions and go for it. Don't wait until someone asks.

Since you've had 3 miscarriages were you referred to find out if there was any reason? Were they able to give you a reason for the stillbirth that you can be monitored for this time to try and give you some reassurance?

I really am very sorry you feel so alone and hope you get some better support soon. Can you ask your GP for some counselling?

I have the same midwife who I had my first pregnancy! She was brilliant.
This pregnancy however she has been no use what so ever!
I'm 14 weeks tomorrow and she still hasn't booked in my dating scan even tho she told the other midwife who did the over the phone midwife appointment that it was done!
I had the run around between the scanning department and the midwife unit and my GP to finally get someone to refer me for my scan!
I've completely lost my confidence in her I don't think she will be able to redeem herself in my eyes now

@Muststopeating I was told by a friend to ask for a mental health midwife, which I am going to do when I'm allowed to actually speak to someone.

So yes, some history. I was pregnant with identical twin girls and they had TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) and they were very poorly, I had to have laser ablation surgery to fuse the blood vessels in the placenta and unfortunately they both passed away an hour after that surgery and I delivered them naturally 2 days later.

My 3 miscarriages, in April last year was discovered at a private scan. Sac was empty and measured 16mm at 8 weeks and then I bled at 9 weeks and that was the miscarriage. Took us till October to fall again, which was a chemical, passed that naturally, fell again in December, again passed that naturally. Was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic and all my bloods came back clear, no sticky blood ect. Pelvis scan came back clear, all okay. The result of the clinic was that in my next pregnancy I go on 400mg progesterone pessaries twice daily, 150mg aspirin and 5mg folic acid. Which I am on till 16 weeks. I found out I was pregnant 2 days after the appointment with the clinic.

I was feeling anxious and my doctor referred me for a early scan at 5+4 (counting from LMP) which now I regret agreeing to as it's caused me nothing but stress. I have a scan Friday and hopefully I see a sticky baby and can go on and just enjoy it, because right now I'm really not🥺

@Greenrubber it's so upsetting honestly🥺 and I don't want to be that person, but in the hospital I'm in "it's because of Covid" is their favourite excuse

I'm the same I didn't want be a pain in the arse because I've had 2 miscarriages both 8-9 weeks so when I first contacted my midwife I genuinely didn't know if this pregnancy was even going to continue so didn't want to push but I wish I had done because they have a duty of care to us!
We are not a burden

@Greenrubber truly felt like a royal pain in the arse to the midwife with my question about the back ache😂 hopefully Friday goes okay at the scan and I might just ask to be referred to my GP midwife

I know how you feel.

I've had 3 MMC and now 17/40 pregnant but have had bleeding, as much as a period, all day every day since 13+5/40.

No one seems very interested. I know that from a pragmatic perspective that even if this is leading to another miscarriage, nothing can be done, but it doesn't feel very helpful really.

Sorry to hear about your losses.
The problem is midwives actually have no power to prescribe anything, refer for scans etc.
I think it's not that they don't want to help, it's just that it really is your GP you need to talk to about pain, bleeding etc.
Good luck with your pregnancy.

What spring said, it’s not that they don’t want to help but you’re so early in that they’re really limited to what they can do.
I have my fingers crossed for you OP.

@Springingintospring

Sorry to hear about your losses. The problem is midwives actually have no power to prescribe anything, refer for scans etc. I think it's not that they don't want to help, it's just that it really is your GP you need to talk to about pain, bleeding etc. Good luck with your pregnancy.

I'm not bleeding, just have some dull back ache that I thought I would ask the midwife about rather than call the EPU or my doctors who take 24/48 hours to get back

@justchecking1

I know how you feel.

I've had 3 MMC and now 17/40 pregnant but have had bleeding, as much as a period, all day every day since 13+5/40.

No one seems very interested. I know that from a pragmatic perspective that even if this is leading to another miscarriage, nothing can be done, but it doesn't feel very helpful really.

It's a very along feeling I've found, so can only imagine how you feel🥺 sending love x

Sorry for your losses, I understand how stressful this must be for you.

Early scans are so much extra stress, I know doctors feel like it's helpful but a scan at 5/6 weeks is unlikely to see anything and causes more upset than reassurance.

Midwives can't really offer much during the pregnancy in terms of back pain or any physical complaint and they can't prescribe anything for it so speaking to your gp really is the best option for you if you're concerned. Midwives have a big caseload too, and as callous as it sounds they can't be invested until they know it's a viable pregnancy and for every woman they spend time with when a gp/nurse practitioner is the correct option it's taking away time they could spend with someone who needs to see a midwife.

Did you have any counselling after your losses, or would you find it helpful to have some now?

@majesticallyawkward

Sorry for your losses, I understand how stressful this must be for you.

Early scans are so much extra stress, I know doctors feel like it's helpful but a scan at 5/6 weeks is unlikely to see anything and causes more upset than reassurance.

Midwives can't really offer much during the pregnancy in terms of back pain or any physical complaint and they can't prescribe anything for it so speaking to your gp really is the best option for you if you're concerned. Midwives have a big caseload too, and as callous as it sounds they can't be invested until they know it's a viable pregnancy and for every woman they spend time with when a gp/nurse practitioner is the correct option it's taking away time they could spend with someone who needs to see a midwife.

Did you have any counselling after your losses, or would you find it helpful to have some now?

I totally agree! If I'm lucky enough to ever fall pregnant again, I don't think I'll agree to early scans. And just sit tight until the 12 weeks one unless an early one is really needed. It's caused nothing by anxiety on top of feeling anxious to start with.

And yes, I had counselling when I lost my girls. With the miscarriages I can't really relate those to the loss of giving birth and holding my babies. It's 2 different losses and I was affected in different ways definitely. Only ever had a scan with my miscarriage in April, the other 2 losses never progressed to that stage, I just bled and that was that

I’ve seen a few of your posts and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was refused an early scan ‘due to covid’ and actually, I actually feel more calm not knowing and just waiting until 12 weeks as early scans can cause so much uncertainty and worry sometimes. I haven’t bled so I’m just hanging onto that.

If you’re not bleeding that’s a really good sign. My back has been aching on and off and I know it can be to do with muscle changes. How far along are you now? Xxx

I've also seen a couple of your posts and you've really been put through it.

I had a MMC in October and I'm now 14+5 but the worry I had up until 12 weeks was unbearable.

You'd think given your history there would be someone you can go to for advice. My EPU always told me to ring if I had any concerns so you could try them? Then again they may just say wait until your scan.

I can only say I've had every pain in the book so far, cramps, backache etc and convinced myself I was miscarrying about 100 times and it hasn't been the case.

Wishing you luck for your scan on Friday.

@Cafeaulait27

I’ve seen a few of your posts and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was refused an early scan ‘due to covid’ and actually, I actually feel more calm not knowing and just waiting until 12 weeks as early scans can cause so much uncertainty and worry sometimes. I haven’t bled so I’m just hanging onto that.

If you’re not bleeding that’s a really good sign. My back has been aching on and off and I know it can be to do with muscle changes. How far along are you now? Xxx

It's just never ending it seems🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm just fed up honestly. This 2 week wait in limbo has been torture to say the least. I'm 9 weeks counting from LMP, but say we count from when I 'should of ovulated' I'm 7+5 x

@Rumples

I've also seen a couple of your posts and you've really been put through it.

I had a MMC in October and I'm now 14+5 but the worry I had up until 12 weeks was unbearable.

You'd think given your history there would be someone you can go to for advice. My EPU always told me to ring if I had any concerns so you could try them? Then again they may just say wait until your scan.

I can only say I've had every pain in the book so far, cramps, backache etc and convinced myself I was miscarrying about 100 times and it hasn't been the case.

Wishing you luck for your scan on Friday.

I did ring the EPU about an hour ago to just put my mind at ease and they've said because I'm not bleeding or in crippling pain. Which I'm really not, it's like an ache and it does make me feel quite sicky feeling. They've just told me to keep an eye on it, take it easy in work and have paracetamol. They asked if I wanted the scan earlier, but my boss is a real stickler and I can't take any more time off and it's hard getting shifts covered and that is also a stress I don't need from work

@MollySxx pregnancy after loss is often very, very difficult emotionally. It is absolutely reasonable for you to feel anxious. In some NHS trusts you can seek support from a specialist midwife in a situation such as yours, but in many places you simply have the same (often very time limited) midwifery care available. Perhaps check the hospital website or ring and ask to speak to the bereavement specialist midwife & see if they can offer extra care & support.
TBH it is situations such as yours that meant I decided to leave NHS midwifery. Working outside the NHS allows me to offer real continuity of care and plenty of time to each client accordingly to their particular situation. It makes me very sad that the NHS isn’t able to provide a reliably good and sensitive service in situations like yours, but that is the current reality. There are lots of private/independent midwives around the UK if that might be an option for you. Some of us offer single appointments or short term support, and some of us have specialist midwifery backgrounds, we are all happy to chat with people about whether the services we offer might be suitable for you.
Sending you love and courage x

[quote Sussexmidwife]@MollySxx pregnancy after loss is often very, very difficult emotionally. It is absolutely reasonable for you to feel anxious. In some NHS trusts you can seek support from a specialist midwife in a situation such as yours, but in many places you simply have the same (often very time limited) midwifery care available. Perhaps check the hospital website or ring and ask to speak to the bereavement specialist midwife & see if they can offer extra care & support.
TBH it is situations such as yours that meant I decided to leave NHS midwifery. Working outside the NHS allows me to offer real continuity of care and plenty of time to each client accordingly to their particular situation. It makes me very sad that the NHS isn’t able to provide a reliably good and sensitive service in situations like yours, but that is the current reality. There are lots of private/independent midwives around the UK if that might be an option for you. Some of us offer single appointments or short term support, and some of us have specialist midwifery backgrounds, we are all happy to chat with people about whether the services we offer might be suitable for you.
Sending you love and courage x[/quote]
Oh wow, that's amazing! My friend had a mental health midwife and she was telling me about her experience and god willing everything is okay on Friday I'll be exploring into it and of course what you've just suggested. For me mentally, I really think I need it. Thank you so much x

Sorry you're going through this. I had 2MC last year before this PG (both around 9wks) and no children so have a little idea, although nothing like what you've had to go through. I have however had extreme anxiety throughout this pregnancy and I recognise the feeling of doing it alone - especially at the beginning. It does change during the pregnancy. Because I was on progesterone I was given early NHS scans at 7 and 9 wks. That worked well for me because there was something to see and because it broke up the time to 12wks and gave me someone to speak to. I didn't even contact the midwife until after successful 9 wk scan this time. Up to 20wks any issues I went to my GP - including mental health concerns. I actually arranged weekly counselling sessions just to get me through which helped me feel there was someone listening at the beginning. 12-24wks is a weird limbo where the MW will answer the phone but not do a lot because even if there's a problem there's nothing they can do - you do have someone listening though! From 24 weeks I've found the day unit at the hospital a godsend - they answer the phone, are knowledgeable and take you seriously in case the baby needs to come early. Now that I am 37 weeks strangely I'm back to being ignored again - they aren't worried about premature labour any more so any worries I have are pretty much discounted while they wait for labour to begin. Hopefully it will be over soon - safe to say I have not enjoyed being pregnant at all!

I am sorry for all your losses. I had my son prematurely last year and he died shortly after birth. I’ve also had a few early losses. I am pregnant again- so completely understand the anxiety. The midwife I saw was very supportive and offered me to come in to see them at any point if I was anxious and just wanted to hear baby’s heartbeat.

I’ve had reassurance scans in the EPU and they’ve also been supportive and have said I don’t need a referral- I can book in every two weeks.

In addition to that support I have a bereavement midwife- to help me with appointments, anxiety, understanding etc this time round.

It doesn’t look like you’re getting the same support which surprises me since you’ve had a stillbirth. I thought all pregnancies were automatically high risk after losing a baby after a certain point. Were you supported by a bereavement midwife? If so can you get in touch with her/him? I also wanted to add I know the early weeks are terrifying but there’s not much they can do apart from re-assurance scans - which I hope you’ve been offered.

Xx

@Greenbks

I am sorry for all your losses. I had my son prematurely last year and he died shortly after birth. I’ve also had a few early losses. I am pregnant again- so completely understand the anxiety. The midwife I saw was very supportive and offered me to come in to see them at any point if I was anxious and just wanted to hear baby’s heartbeat.

I’ve had reassurance scans in the EPU and they’ve also been supportive and have said I don’t need a referral- I can book in every two weeks.

In addition to that support I have a bereavement midwife- to help me with appointments, anxiety, understanding etc this time round.

It doesn’t look like you’re getting the same support which surprises me since you’ve had a stillbirth. I thought all pregnancies were automatically high risk after losing a baby after a certain point. Were you supported by a bereavement midwife? If so can you get in touch with her/him? I also wanted to add I know the early weeks are terrifying but there’s not much they can do apart from re-assurance scans - which I hope you’ve been offered.

Xx

So reading all of that was a shock to my system. But so amazing you've been given that care. Honestly makes me so happy for you at how calm you must feel, well as you can possibly feel.

I was told I would have to pay for a private scan when I first found out I was pregnant this time around, which was fine. I then had a doctors appointment and I expressed how anxious I was and he referred me and I was in the next day. I've since had to have 3 scans with them as I think I was referred to early and they only saw an empty sac both times and on the third saw a yolk sac. I am back there this Friday to see if anymore progress has been made. So it's been more stress than calm.

When I had the 2 miscarriages I was told I needed another one to get any help as they wouldn't count the stillbirth as there was a reason. So when I had the third my doctors exact words "it's heartbreaking but you will be allowed help now" and that just makes me sick. But I haven't been told about any reassurance scans. If I didn't express myself to my doctor I would of had a private scan and probably wouldn't have this stress now. Not been told about bereavement midwives, nothing at all. It is really upsetting me. I just feel like they see my name and think "oh no, not her again"

@BlueberryPancake21

Sorry you're going through this. I had 2MC last year before this PG (both around 9wks) and no children so have a little idea, although nothing like what you've had to go through. I have however had extreme anxiety throughout this pregnancy and I recognise the feeling of doing it alone - especially at the beginning. It does change during the pregnancy. Because I was on progesterone I was given early NHS scans at 7 and 9 wks. That worked well for me because there was something to see and because it broke up the time to 12wks and gave me someone to speak to. I didn't even contact the midwife until after successful 9 wk scan this time. Up to 20wks any issues I went to my GP - including mental health concerns. I actually arranged weekly counselling sessions just to get me through which helped me feel there was someone listening at the beginning. 12-24wks is a weird limbo where the MW will answer the phone but not do a lot because even if there's a problem there's nothing they can do - you do have someone listening though! From 24 weeks I've found the day unit at the hospital a godsend - they answer the phone, are knowledgeable and take you seriously in case the baby needs to come early. Now that I am 37 weeks strangely I'm back to being ignored again - they aren't worried about premature labour any more so any worries I have are pretty much discounted while they wait for labour to begin. Hopefully it will be over soon - safe to say I have not enjoyed being pregnant at all!

It's so sad you feel like this. Especially at 37 weeks.

Congratulations and you're so close to that finish line💞

Sorry to hear you feel let down OP. Can you afford a private scan?