Birthing partners

[lockdownbabyx]

I am pregnant with my first child and I was just curious on who everyone had at the birth? Of course my DP will be there and I've always imagined I'd have my mum with me too.
However, DP has expressed that he would love it to just be me and him. It's his first child also.
He's being very supportive and has said it's ultimately my decision. I'm now just torn, I'd love my mum there especially as it's my first. But I also totally understand DP wishes aswell.

Anyone had the same dilemma? If so what happened in the end? Xx

I just had my DP but I don't have a mum so it was a no brainer. If you want your mum there then go for it

Depends when you’re due to give birth (if you’re in the UK) but I’m pretty sure for the foreseeable you’ll only be allowed 1 birth partner?

Just my husbands (I say husbands as I’ve been married twice. I don’t have two husbands though)
I’ve been at my daughters births- As in the birth of my grandchildren. That’s because she’s young though I think. I find it a bit odd when grown women have their mums there... I don’t really see the need. I think if the husband would like for it to just be the two of you then I’d respect that. Unless there is a strong feeling for your mum to be there.
As a Mum I’d rather not have been there tbh. It’s far more stressful than giving birth yourself!!!

I had my fiancé and mum at DS1 birth and would love my mum to come in this time too but can't due to restrictions. Couldn't of done it without my mum last time x

Just DH

He is military so my mum was on standby in case he couldn't be there, always kept my fingers crossed that was not the case though. I love my mum but I would rather not have her at any births, I think she was a bit gutted by that.

I am 39 weeks and although I am only allowed one, I would only want DH there anyway!

@Markies sorry I should have stated that I'm not due until October. Hopefully there should be no restrictions in place at that time. I'm not even really sure why DP are talking about this already 😂 it's so early but it just came up in conversation x

Thanks all. Personally I would love my mum there as were very close, she would also he gutted if she wasn't there. But I do want to respect my DP decision aswell.
I guess ok wait till nearer the time and see how I feel

Even if it’s October I think you should be prepared for certain restrictions to remain in place. Some trusts may also use this as an excuse to overhaul their procedures. When I was in labour ward I saw a whole extended family traipsing into the ward for the birth. I know you would only like 2 but I can see things changing permanently.

@Markies thank you. I'm il prepare myself for either scenario.

If you want your mum there, and restrictions allow it, then have your mum there! I almost took the same advice 3 years ago when I had my daughter. Partner wanted it to just be me and him so stupidly I agreed. A few hours in I was shouting for my mum (who luckily came straight in and stayed with us the whole way through). Its your birth so it's your decision, you're going to be in pain and you need people there who are going to fully support you. I'm almost 26 and due my second in October too and I'm praying my mum gets to be there because honestly I dont think myself or my partner could of managed without her last time ❤

YOU are the one in labour, it is entirely YOUR choice! Don’t let your DP’s wishes come above yours, you can have whoever you want in there and that’s entirely your decision.

My husband was with me (from active labour due to COVID) and left shortly after my emcs again due to COVID. If you're due to give birth within the next few months then it's unlikely you'll be allowed more than one birth partner.

Congratulations!

It's your decision. I just had my partner there. My thinking was that he was all I needed and wanted, it was a special moment for us both and I didn't want him to feel undermined or take a part of that away from him by having someone else helping too, it's only about us in that moment. Added to which both me and my mum would've been not at all comfortable with her being there, even though we are very close. I would also have been worried about her worrying about me.

My feelings aren't necessarily the same as yours though, it's such a personal decision.

Ds1 was my ex partner and my mum
Ds2 just mum

I’m 33 weeks and this time it will be just me and my partner, as I’ll need mum for childcare

I actually don't agree with the pp that says it is only your choice. This is the moment your DP becomes a father. Its a big moment for him too.

So i think it depends. Can your DP be depended on to give you the support you need... be suitably sympathetic, encouraging, not complain that he's bored/tired/hungry? Will he be able to be your advocate when you can no longer speak through the pain and important decisions can be made.

You also need to think about how your mum and DP interact, would one feel left out, would one dominate?

I have only had my DH at both my births. My mum was standby at first because DH was in Saudi for the last 10 weeks and made it home with only 24 hours to spare.

Second time I invited mum, because she has always thought childbirth is the most incredible thing and my dad had died just 10 days before. But she declined, knowing that we really needed her on standby for DD and that it should really be just us.

This time is definitely my last and I think I'd rather it were just the 2 of us, but I do have some guilt about depriving my mum of the opportunity. That being said, i think COVID will keep that simple for me.

The only comparison I can give you is when I had all 4 wisdom teeth out under GA. I was living in the Middle East at the time and cos DH (though we weren't married at the time and still quite young) worked away often and at short notice, my mum came out as I couldn't gave the surgery without someone to take me home (plus an excuse for time in the sun). Anyway DH ended up being home so they were both there when I came round. I don't remember much but I know my mum (who is excellent at looking after people) felt completely useless because my DH wouldn't leave my side.

I think the same situation would have happened in labour because the one constant I can remember when things were beyond painful was DH by my side holding my hand. I don't think mum would have known what to do with herself.

I've had two csections and at my hospital that means only one birth partner can come in whereas for a natural birth in normal times you can have two people. I think with current restrictions you would only be allowed to have one in any case. My mum waited outside when I had my section and then was allowed on the postnatal ward. She fed ds his first bottle and changed his nappy. She and dh took care of him whilst I rested and took care of myself. When I had dd she quickly got a cuddle when I was in recovery but as soon as I got on the postnatal ward her and dh had to leave.

This time around I would like my mum to have my older two children if she agrees and help dh with the baby and my other two children while I rest up immediately after the birth.

Covid decided for me, DH only

I personally would only have DH with me...mainly because my mum doesn't even approve of our marriage, but I don't really have that close a relationship with her anyway (if that makes sense).
I have a friend who had her DH and mum with her when her first DS was born.

It's a personal choice really.

Totally your decision and what relationship you have with your partner.
I had no doubt at all that my husband couldn't support me through labour. He was fantastic! When she was born it was lovely just the 3 of us! No one else knew she was born and we were in our own little world for a few hours.
I'm very close to my Mam! However if she was there it would have been a very different dynamic

Personally I couldn't imagine having my mum there. We are very close but I wouldn't want to give birth in front of her.
When I had DD it was an amazing experience and a lovely between me and OH.

Even without Covid, I only want DP there. I'm (perhaps naively as this is my first baby) looking forward to the birth and hoping it will be a really special moment for us as a couple. But as others have said, it's a personal decision and you're the one giving birth. Of course it's important to take your DP's feelings into account but it's more important that you get the support you need throughout labour/birth.

It's his baby too, and you should make a joint decision. Would you be happy if he wanted his mum there? Or would you feel restricted/awkward/like you couldn't relax and be yourself? That may be how he would feel if your mum is there. He may also be worrying that your mum might 'take over' - not in a bad way, but realistically she is likely to be better at knowing what you need, having done it herself. Your DH won't, and might feel overshadowed/pushed aside. If it's just the two of you, you can learn together and this will be an amazing experience for you both (hopefully).

Also worth bearing in mind that childbirth is disgusting and extremely personal. You might poo yourself. Do you want your mum to see that, as well as potentially your very swollen vagina, maybe you getting catheterised (sp?) and various other horrors...?

My first baby's birth was very traumatic, and the experience was not something I would have wanted to share with anyone in the world except for the man I share everything with, and who knows my body inside out already.

Thank you all for you advice, it's very helpful!

I haven't decided what to do yet, but I would personally love my mum there as were very close. We've always been very open with each other and have a great relationship that way, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she saw all the traumatising and disgusting things that come with childbirth and it wouldn't faze her or me. Shes had 5 children, has also been with my sister in most of her births. I was also my sisters birthing partner for her last child. We're all very maternal and love childbirth and find it fascinating!

However, with that said. I'd also happily just have DP with me and think would be a wonderful experience with just us two. I can always have mum outside on standby incase anything really traumatic happens and I end up needing her. I'm still very early so will see what happens I guess, have plenty of time to make a decision ☺️

I had my (now ex) husband with my first but when I got some problems, my mum came in as extra support and to be honest she's my most calming influence so I was so happy she came in to surgery with me instead of him.
With my second, it was just the (ex)husband and he was actually pointless, I got more support off the midwife than him.
(To be honest, he was less than supportive through every aspect of life not just childbirth)

I have a lovely partner who is wonderfully supportive who is very hands on already so I have no worries that we'll be fine this time around just us two. He's been reading up on different things he can do and we've had a few good chats about the sorts of things I would possibly need him to be doing while I'm in labour- like being my advocate if I'm completely out of it.