Am I being sensitive around my MIL’s comments - 14 weeks pregnant

[DoIneedtochill]

Morning,

I would like to have some outsider input as my friends and mum will back me regardless so be good to get some other perspective. Going to try and keep it as short as I can:

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, she is not a nice drunk, very controlling (admits this more recently) and likes to have everything her way. However I have always thought she has a good heart and always tried my best to be close with her and to a degree we really are, we text a lot and do get on following all our past issues with how I was treated when I first came on the scene many years ago.

Anyway, yesterday on Mother’s Day we dropped her some bits outside the house and spoke out the front (my partner and I). She had a drink and I could feel the shift in her attitude. Her daughter was there too who I have a real rusty relationship with also, SIL has attacked me when drunk too a week after my father’s funeral) and also my partner (her brother). MIL also does have a interesting relationship with her daughter (SIL) moved out several years ago at a young age because of how volatile their relationship was. Basically, it’s a toxic family and I find it hard to be part of.

So I have had lots of issues with this pregnancy, bleeding and had to take antibiotics which i’m now quite anxious about. It’s been a toll on my mental health and I have not really left the home... I work full time at home anyway. MIL asked me how I was feeling yesterday in front of SIL who I rarely see, I said i’m okay thanks, she said have you been out anywhere, I said not really, trip to Tesco, her response “so you do still want this baby then?” my other half had gone round the corner to vape away from me so didn’t hear.

Second thing - “are you going to be in your bubble when the baby is born and make her be in it too and not let anyone see her”

Third thing - “not got anymore private scans booked in then hahahah” really laughing. I had booked a few private scans due to anxiety around the constant bleeding. I felt like I was a joke and that I was being criticized.

She text last night being all nice etc. saying thanks for stuff and nice to see us and I replied but did also say I do obviously want this child thinking she’d get the hint I was upset. She didn’t. It’s really grating on me today and I don’t want to let her push me around and feel she can say what she wants, I feel like I should put some ground rules in now.

So do I:

A - forget it, you’re being really sensitive just get over it she’d had a drink
B- wait for her to text and just ask her politely to not say those things again
C- text first and say it had upset me
D - none of the above (please give your suggestions)

I wouldn't bother texting her. In fact, I'd stop bothering with her at all. If she steps out of line again, tell her straight to her face, "that's a really shitty thing to say."

Dropping hints doesn't work with people like that. They need it spelling out, then stick to your guns.

D
I'd distance myself. Don't show them they are getting to you. You are better than them.
Don't explain how you feel to them. They are not worth headspace.
Ground rules going forward are basically that you are in charge and if you do not agree with something then it doesn't happen.
Dp needs to be on the same page.
Personally I'd not engage with them at all.

Thank you both @AmandaHoldensLips and @Spied

You know when you think back and think why didn’t I say this at the time, but I felt quite low and hormonal, felt I didn’t have the strength.

I think i’ll just really distance myself then. I wish I wasn’t so nice in my message responses last night.

Partner knows exactly what his mum is like, doesn’t say much as he wasn’t there and hates confrontation with her as she is truly awful and quite spiteful. Think he’d rather just distance himself too tbh....

Her comments are terrible and it sounds like this is an ongoing thing. You have much more exciting things to focus on than this toxic dynamic...agree with previous posters, distance yourself and move along. This behaviour will not change once your little babe arrives - and from personal experience, will probably get worse as people like that seem to have a sense of entitlement as a grandmother even though they don't really deserve the title. You need to protect both yourself and baby!

Thanks @otterbaby I completely see what you mean. I think she is really going to try and take over and control, as she does with everything else. I’m so annoyed as not a couple of weeks ago she text me saying how grateful she was that i’d been involving her with everything and that it was really appreciated. I thought we had turned a corner. I felt like she wanted to assert her dominance as it was Mother’s Day. She really pissed on my fire yesterday.

It she texts do I just fully ignore? Or just wait a day or 2 and then reply with a more reserved response? I just don’t know how to play it with her

Let your DP communicate with her.

There is no need for you to be in contact with someone that regularly treats your badly.

I wouldn't totally ignore her as that'll just rile her up, I imagine. I would just respond politely and like you say, give it a bit of time in between texts. And I wouldn't volunteer information to her - sure, you can share a scan photo with her, but you don't need to let her know if you're on more antibiotics, baby is measuring small (just as an example!), anything that she's going to grip onto and try to make about her. Wouldn't tell her you're in labour if you think she's the sort to plaster all over social media or show up to the hospital. Pleasant as to maintain family relations, but definitely take a step back for your own sanity 🙂 I think it's easy to say 'just cut her off completely' but if your partner wants to keep a relationship with her, I personally would find it easier to at least be friendly.

Oh op, she sounds like an awful woman. I would keep my distance if I were you and let your partner do the communication. You owe her nothing.

@RandomMess yes you’re right. Thank you!

Tell your dp you're backing off as she said some things that upset you yesterday.
If she texts just ignore or block.
If she texts dp, he can tell her that she upset you, or he can ignore too..

@otterbaby okay thanks for your suggestion, I think that would work well maybe reply a few hours later or even in the evening and just keep it short and polite and not ask her any questions to keep the convo going. Not heard from her today so hoping it will die down. I was getting texts every day saying good morning baby mama all that stuff which I thought was nice at the time but it’s quite overwhelming and think it’s her way of having her foot in the door constantly.

Re the volunteering information, you’re sooo right, my mum always tells me this. I just get carried away as I like it when everyone gets on and seems supportive but it’s clearly come back to bite me hasn’t it!

She absolutely will plaster is over facebook, it feels like you know her haha! I don’t share anything on social media tbh, yesterday I said that as I said I’m not a fan of all the attention (each to their own of course) she said “oh don’t worry i’ll tell everyone for you” I just thought uhhh.

Yes partner will always want a relationship with her but I understand that and she only lives down the road which doesn’t help and we are moving even closer! Without me though she would barely speak to him he sure it’s always on me, so def going to pull back from that too.

Thank you for your advice and support

Thanks @Rosieposy89 for the support! She is awful I try and see the good in her but in my gut she is not a healthy person to be around. I’m no angel my any means! But she has always been funny with me and actually told me one that i’d taken her son away from her, I should have known better really

Tell your partner to have a word. Don't mention it yourself because it's just not worth the stress.

My MIL says dumb sh*t all the time usually talking about our children like they're not actually her grandchildren. We've always had a rocky relationship with his family and when I let it get to me and reacted it would cause havoc. She didn't meet our twins until they were 4 years old! Because they threw their toys out of the pram about how we announced the pregnancy, we invited them after birth after having little contact during the pregnancy but she sent me a stupid card rabbiting on about how she wouldn't feel welcome instead. I have come to the realisation that I will always have to be the bigger person and ignore the stupid things they say and how differently they treat our kids compared to their cousin. DH's parents both had kids with other partners and he is treated very differently in general so has a fair bit of resentment towards both his parents. Our kids don't refer to either of them as their grandparents because they don't really see them that way, my parents are the complete opposite and have always invested a lot of time in our kids and us. My husband often says my parents treat him more like a son than his own parents do.

Thanks @forrestgreen my partner hates the conflict and I feel thinks i’m a bit sensitive (which I am) but I do feel like there was no need for the comments, and it’s not out of her character.

My partner said to me this morning that I’ve already made my point (I didn’t I was really nice which i’m now kicking myself for) and to say something else or move on. Their family dynamic is that they can scream, shout, assault each other (not my partner, I swear he’s not even from that family tbh lol) and then the next day they are over it, I just don’t work like that

@Chelyanne thanks for sharing your experience.... you hear about monster MIL but all my friends seem to have got fairly lucky.

Sorry you have had that shit to deal with to, that’s not cool. Sounds like your MIL plays the victim too which is weird. I actually swear i’ll never be that awful MIL... i’m sure you feel the same haha!

So hard to be the bigger person though sometimes, i’m just so sick of it. I’ve caused some havoc before when i’m spoken up and it didn’t go down well, although I did get an apology after which is mad, but at the time was it worth the stress? No

How you announced YOUR pregnancy though. Why do people criticize and feel that they have w right to say this shit. Ergh why are people actually like this. It really baffles me

What a BITCH!!

Fuck her and her pushy ass ways. She'll only get more controlling after your child is born so I really think you need to set your stall out now so she knows this type of fuckery won't be tolerated.

Back off the texting and if she comes at you with shit like that again JUST LEAVE. Just turn on your heal and walk out. She'll soon get the message and if she really needs it spelling out then spell it out - You are an adult and you don't have to take shit off anyone, including family members.

Your DH might be used to this but he does need to step in to support you.

That's very nice of you to make such an effort with her, but my view is that mothers have the relationship with their grown up children that they have fostered. If her relationship with her son is a bit lacking, and she doesn't get to be as involved as she'd like, that's down to them. It's not for you to have to fill in the gap by playing happy families when she's being twatty.

D
Lessen contact and distance yourself
Only text banal things, nothing too personal.
Don't respond to every single text
Just always say the pregnancy is "fine"
Make yourself boring.

@ktp100 thanks for understanding it really helps when even strangers over the internet see what I mean! I know there are 2 sides to every story but I think she disliked me from the start and then did the whole keep your enemies close type thing... she’s a joke.

You’re so right! She has just text me saying she can’t wait to have the days with my baby dancing and having fun, after what she said yesterday?! I am absolutely boiling over. As if she will spend any time with my child without me there!

You’re so right, wish i’d just walked off tbh, my car was inches away I could have just jumped in lol.

You’re right, he does need to get a bit more of a backbone with her, his usual way of dealing with it is to ignore her for a while and just distance himself too. She’s mad.

@Opticabbage yes you’re right. She has pushed everyone away with her controlling behaviour and she has admitted this to me before, she has been a lot better recently I think Covid genuinely helped with that because she physically couldn’t demand people do things. However yesterday when everyone was physically near her she HAD to assert her dominance. I’m so pissed off looking back now. And the fact she just text me talking about my baby. Christ i’m mad. I’m gonna reply tomorrow morning or something.

Thanks @ekidmxcl you’re so right. She’ll probs end up asking if my mental health is okay as i’m so chatty normally so i’ll just say yeah absolutely fine. Thanks. Or something alone those lines!

@DoIneedtochill oh no way will I be the monster-in-law.... tbh I'll be glad to get my kids out of the nest lol.

Just back off slowly be polite etc but let her relationship be with her son rather than you.

That’s awful she sounds like a complete brat! Do distance yourself as others have said and avoid as much drama as you can with them, it’s bad enough it’s a pandemic being pregnant without dealing with that crap. I don’t think you are being sensitive at all I’m fuming for you!!!

You have every right to be upset at those comments. Save yourself the stress, and don’t engage with her. Minimise seeing her to the extent that you can and when you do, just know it’s not you, it’s her. I hope your partner is supportive. It’s tough being part of a toxic environment, not easy on either of you, especially as it’s still his family. Just don’t let it eat away at you x