Unplanned pregnancy and Dad doesn't want it

[Lily346]

Hi all.. I'm in desperate need of some advice. I'm 31 years old and have been with my partner for 10 years. He works at sea and has done since we met. We've had tricky times in the past but we have always pulled through. He already has a daughter (12 years old) who lives in another country. He hasn't seen her as much has he has wanted/should have so their relationship is tricky especially as she is approaching teenage years and her Dad isn't around.. I've just found out that I'm pregnant, have been on the pill since I was 15 however have had some issues with heartburn the last few months with some occasions me being sick. This happened more frequently so I got in touch with my GP who knew me and that I was on the pill. He suggested me do a test incase my pill had not been absorbed, as this has been happening for a while and I've been fine I was so shocked to see a positive sign. 3 tests later and no period its safe to say I'm pregnant.

My partner has outright said that he does not want to have this baby. According to him its not the right time (when is??) And that if I keep this baby he wants nothing to do with me or it! I mean 10 years we have been together. 10 years!! I've said that I would be expecting to most of it on my own as I wouldn't stop him working away plus I know he needs to spend time with his daughter as she is at such a difficult age in her life. He is still adamant that he doesn't want it and can't actually say when he will want kids (this is news to me!!)

My dilemma is do I abort this baby for him although I think after what he has said we likely won't survive this.. or do I keep the baby and raise it on my own (I have an amazing family network and friends). I know i could do it but what is in my mind is that I'm knowingly going to allow this child to grow up without a Father.. is that horribly selfish of me to do that to a child??

PLEASE HELP!!

Simply: your body, your choice.
Never ceases to amaze me that some men have sex and the consequences are all on the women - but that's a whole other convo.

It sounds like you want this baby and if that's the case you will have a really hard time if you terminate, especially if you don't want to and because someone else told you to. Like you said; your relationship will likely not survive this anyway.

From how you've written it - and I could be wrong so forgive me if I am - it reads like you would like to keep the baby and have thought about a life without him.
To be honest, he doesn't deserve you as far as I'm concerned - if it was me he'd have been given the elbow. 10 years and this is the reaction you get? Bye bye.

It is NOT selfish to raise a child into a loving home with family and support without a father.

Ultimately this is your choice and you have to do what your gut/heart is telling you. Whatever you choose it sounds like you have a great family & friends and you won't be alone; which is half the battle won.

@Lily346 of course it isn't selfish to raise a child without a father. It sounds like in your heart you want this baby. I think aborting the baby "for him" wouldn't be the right thing to do - it has to be your choice and you have to do what you feel is right. You've said that you have an amazing family network and friends - so maybe the baby won't have a father in their life but they will have all these other family members who will give them so much love.

@Lily346 so sorry to hear this. Especially after 10 years.

I agree with PP, it's totally and only your choice. It will never be the right time for him, from experience.

It has been said many times on MN - no matter what you do, that relationship is over. So I'd sit down and ask myself a few hard questions.

Firstly, can you financially afford to have a baby. If yes, then secondly do you want one. If yes, it's easy. It's hard to be a single parent, but if you read threads here about useless men, you can be reading forever. Some men help, but if he is at sea you'd get no help no matter what. The point is, most baby work gets done by the mum anyway.

No matter what you do, it will be the right choice as long as it's your choice. Also, you are not doing this: I'm knowingly going to allow this child to grow up without a Father.. is that horribly selfish of me to do that to a child - a father is not a genetical appropriation, it's a human being that loves you and helps you to grow up. It can be any man you love or meet along the way, provision of biological material does not make you a Father, being a dad does.

Hope this helps :)

Gosh what an absolute horrible situation he has put you in; I am so sorry you are going through this. It is sadly very selfish of him not even to discuss your feelings on this, and to just flat out say that he will walk away. It says a lot about the kind of person he is.

It makes me wonder, as you have said, whether the relationship will last or not, regardless of what decision you make.
It's absolutely your choice and unfortunately only you can make that choice. Have you spoken to your family at all, or a friend?

Your relationship is over whether you continue the pregnancy or not. All you have to decide is if you want to have this man's baby, knowing it will grow up without a decent father.

I would guess that, even if you were to do what he wants, you would find your relationship over.
Your body. Do what you want.

I just want to echo what others have said. I think his reaction will end your relationship. It's now about you. Do you want the baby? You have said you have a good support network. Yes being a single mum is hard but it's great at the same time. Take time to think about yourself.

I was raised without a father, and I am fine. You will be enough for this baby, just as my mother was for me.

Your relationship is over no matter what. YOU want to have the baby, so have it. NEVER have an abortion for a man, especially one who's already shown you he can abandon his child and is never around anyhow. What use is he? He's not even a partner.

Tell him, 'NO. I am keeping this baby. This isn't up for discussion.'

And tbh, I'd cut him loose now. He'll try to bully you. Fuck him off. Don't give the baby his surname and don't bother putting him on the birth certificate, he won't be around anyway.

This should be very instructive for other women. Make sure you discuss these things beforehand. Like "I want to have a child within 3-5 years. What do you think about children? " or "I don't want kids now. But if protection fails, I don't think I will abort" Make sure you are on the same page on important issues before your relationship is anywhere serious. If he says he's not ready yet and you know you are, he's not for you. Don't just assume things, talk them through. You will have a much higher chance of your partner having a better reaction if you have the same goals in mind that you are both clear on. Too often women feel embarrassed or inadequate to talk about their needs and expectations, and they end up living on hopes and assumptions, getting clues from their partner that they don't want kids now but hoping it will change later, and find out in a crisis, that it is different things in life they want.

It is fine to have a child without a father. If you want this child, keep it. Circumstances are never ideal, there is no point waiting for that.

Look personally this may not be a shared opinion. But relationships can come and go but your love for your child will be forever. If that's how he treats you then maybe you're better off parting ways and becoming a parent on your own.
It's not selfish of you to raise this baby without a dad, that's on him. Not yours or the babies fault. Sounds like you have a great support network and you would likely regret aborting.

I could've written your post ... in-fact I think I did - swap out a few details and I was you 6 months ago.

I'm 6 months pregnant; ex partner didn't want it; told me to have an abortion and then completely disappeared off the scene; blocked me, deleted me everything.
I chose to keep my baby - I'm now 6 months along; have a great support network and can't wait for my new baby daughter to arrive.

If I would have got an abortion; we would have ended as I wouldn't have forgiven him for making me get one.
It appears we have ended anyway because I kept her; and he has disappeared - so really all the changed was I was either A) single person on my own with child or B) single person on my own without a child.

It sounds like you want to keep your baby - so your body, your choice. Keep your baby if that's what you want

Keep the baby, raise it on your own.

Your partner sounds like he has been a poor father (and partner, to be honest - it doesn't sound like he's around much). He won't magically change. He clearly doesn't want children.

But you are pregnant and it sounds like you do want it. You'll be fine. I raised three kids alone after their father left. They didn't miss him. You are not making the decision about his involvement in your child's life - he is.

I'm knowingly going to allow this child to grow up without a Father.. is that horribly selfish of me to do that to a child??

If it is, it's his choice, not yours. He chooses whether or not to be an involved Father. It will be his loss.

And next time you encounter a man who's abandoned a child, run.

But for now, have your baby, he's easy to get rid of, don't put him on the birth certificate, don't give the baby his surname and enjoy your child.

So you’d talked about kids before and he said he wanted them? Did you ever talk about when you wanted them?

It does seem a strange reaction if you did plan to have them at some point. It’s crazy that he’s willing to throw away a 10 year old relationship over this.

It does sound like if you had the abortion he’d never want children in the future. Saying “it’s not the right time” sounds like a way of just pushing the issue aside and he’ll likely continue to do that in the future until you’re too old to have children.

It’s not selfish to raise a kid without a dad. It’s his choice of whether to be involved or not. It’s not on you.

Face facts: this man will NEVER want more kids. He can't be arsed iwth the one he's got. He can't be arsed with you. His priority in life is himself. That's not going to change.

You're 31, not 21. I'd have the baby.

Thankyou all for your kind words. This is a whole new world to me and I just felt I needed to put it out there. I've only told one friend at the moment and she is saying the same as most of you. Unfortunately after finding out I was pregnant I had to go to work so my partner and I were only able to talk over text. We have since had it all out which was exhausting! He has now gone to say that he just doesn't want a baby right now but will in the future.. What he is still saying though is that he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby if I keep it as he doesn't want to be forced into this

Now I have this dilemma of forcing him, which I would rather not do or go through an abortion which again just does not sit right with me... and part of me just doesn't know if in a few years time he will want a baby. This guy find everything stressful!!

If I keep this baby and he keeps his word and doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby then I move back to my parents, which doesn't bother me one bit. Money-wise it would be a struggle. I work for the NHS but I don't have the best wage and I reeeeeeeally don't want to have to give up working 😞

THIS IS SO HARD!!!

This is awful, he is being selfish and unreasonable. He should be supporting you whatever you decide.

Just food for thought, there is no gaurantee you’d get pregnant as easily/at all in a few years. And whose to say he l’ll decide he isn’t ready then either? Could he just be saying that as a buffer, to get you to agree to what he wants? You know him best.

It definitely isn’t selfish to have a child without the bio father, I grew up without mine however my sisters father was in and out of her life. I think mine being completely out was better.

You’re not forcing him to do anything, he knows the potential consequences. His attitude towards you about this is disgusting.
You do what is right for you!

Xx

You shouldn't have to give up work, do what ever you can to keep one foot in the door - work part time, condensed hours, flexible working. Harder to get back in once you're out. Hopefully the NHS are accommodating. I'm sure your parents will love having a grandbaby around and help out with. You're not in a bad position and also your 30, if not now when. I know 30 isn't old (I had my first at 32) but a few more years and you may start finding it harder to conceive.

@Lily346 So sorry you're going through this; you say it's exhausting and it must be.

From an outsider looking in, with only limited information, it seems like he is now trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

He wants his life to continue as it is; it suits him that way.
The way to achieve that is for you to terminate. He knows that you want this baby so in order to get you to terminate he is telling you (words only) that he will want a baby at some point and if you don't YOU are forcing HIM into something so he will abandon you.

He is trying to force you into a termination.
He is telling you what you want to hear in order to get what he wants.
That appears to be the reality.

What a peach.

Judge him on his actions not his words. He is not a good father to the child he has and he is putting you through this.
Him saying he will want a child at some point - after 10 years - is a tactic.
He has issued you an ultimatum; you don't do as he says or you are the person being difficult and he will punish you accordingly.
Assume he will keep his word and you'll not hear from him again because this will forever be about punishing you for taking the life that suited him for 10 years away and making it difficult.

Is this REALLY the man you want to stay with? Regardless of whether you keep this baby or not.
You are worth so much more than this.

Your friend knows you and your relationship better than us and is saying the same as most of us. We are all saying this is your choice not his - not 1 person is saying, on the information we have, he has a point or is advocating for him. Not 1.

You sound like you'd like to keep the baby so we're all saying only YOU get to make the choice that YOU have to live with for the rest of your life.
People terminate for lots of reasons - even when it's their choice I don't imagine many say it was an easy one but it is a whole other situation when you terminate and it's not your choice. You could feel resentful, hurt, angry, have regrets... you are potentially opening yourself up to a lot of feelings you won't be able to change.
Seriously consider how you are likely to feel.

You have said you have support; the NHS will have maternity leave and pay and then you can be upfront with them about your circumstances when you discuss your return; I think (could be wrong but you can contact citizen's advice for information) that companies need to flex where possible for returning mothers. I imagine the NHS to be a place where that can happen and you can work with them to make it work for you to return after mat leave.
He will also need to pay child support - this is something you can google/ contact citizen's advice about now while you're making your decision.

As you have been together for 10 years, if you have been paying into the house (mortgage, bills, renovations, etc.) then you may also have an 'interest' in the property and you could also look into if you have any rights as a common law partner in regards to any further support/ payment/s.

If you are low enough income you may be entitled to legal aid to support your claims, especially the 'family law' ones.

First stop: citizen's advice. Also ask them if they know of any free (pro bono) law clinics where you can speak with a solicitor.
Hertfordshire University have a law clinic with family clinic (maintenance/ custody/ financial settlement, etc) and property clinic (If you're not on the legal title of the property to see what you might be entitled to).
Other university's will also have law clinics and all the work is given or supervised by a qualified, registered, solicitor.

Gather the information you need so you can make an informed choice.

Sorry for the length but I just have so much empathy for you and want you to make this choice for yourself xx

It sounds like you want to keep the baby. Your partner sounds like a dick. In your situation I would take control, dump him and move back with your parents. You’ve already said you’ll have the support and would have been doing it alone a lot anyway. Think of you and your baby then when you’re ready find someone who deserves you both.

Base your decision on how you feel about this baby and about becoming a parent. If you also feel it's the wrong time then fine, but what if this turned out to be your only opportunity to become a mother? Would you regret a termination, or still think that it was for the best at that time?

Don't worry about him. There will be many positive male role models in your baby's life even if the birth father isn't around.

Whatever you decide, you should end this relationship now. Who the hell does this after a 10 year relationship? If he really didn't want any more children he should have taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. Even if you're using contraception, sex comes with a chance of pregnancy and he knew that.

If he continues to behave like this, you can choose not to put his name on the birth certificate so he has no parental rights.

If he doesm't want a baby after 10 years he's never going to be ready. If you want children you have a choice of carrying on with this pregnancy or finishing this relationship and finding a new partner.

This relationship is dead in the water. To speak to you like this after 10 years is something that you cannot come back from. I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't love you, he certainly doesn't respect you. You shouldn't make important life decisions based on his preferences - he isn't making his life choices with any consideration of you.
Personally, I would not consider an abortion if I was in my early 30s and knew that I wanted children. Fertility declines quite quickly in women and I wouldn't risk losing this opportunity and not being able to get pregnant in the future.
Actually, if you are going to be a single parent, at least you won't have him interfering and making demands - you'll be able to raise your baby as you please, which is much better than having a dickhead ex sticking his oar in!

In the end, as a previous poster said, whatever you decide will be right so long as it is your genuine choice.