How do I/we decide about having a(nother) child?

[D0tD0tD0t]

I have two children from my first marriage.

My DH has no children. I know he really wanted children, but it didn't happen in his first marriage. He is definitely capable, biologically, so that's not an issue.

I initially told him I had completed my family, and wouldn't be having more. He said he'd rather be with me than find someone else to have children with. He loves my two like they are biologically his. Early days in, I asked him if I considered it, how would he feel, and he said he'd feel absolutely delighted. Primarily because I didn't want to bring a baby into my existing children's lives at that stage after my separation from their father, that idea got parked for a couple of years. He's never pushed me on it. He knows what I went through birthing these two, and the toll on my body.

I am now thinking I'd like a third/give him his first biological child.

But. My youngest is six. I really thought he was the last child for me, I really did feel complete when he was born.
We are now at the stage where the children are relatively independent, out of that baby/toddler/preschool stage. Their bio father has them EOW giving us a couple of childfree weekends a month, we had (prior to lockdown) a good social life etc.

I have not mentioned this to DH as I don't want to get his hopes up just yet.

Pros.
A new baby. Squee! I already have names in mind. 😁
DH would have a bio child, and I'd love to do that for him.
My kids have both asked for a baby. (Not recently, though. I think they gave up hoping.)
I REALLY love being pregnant.

Cons.
We have a comfortable life – not loaded, but ok. A third child would necessitate a car upgrade, and mean a bit of a squeeze at home, harder to do holidays as most are set for 2a2c.
I am anxious about my age having an impact on the child's health. Or indeed just having a child with additional needs. We have been very lucky with my two.
The age gap. Youngest would be seven at the earliest, assuming I fall pregnant soon. That's a big gap, will new baby grow up feeling like an only child? (Unless they are twins! I'd love twins!)
Labour/childbirth was horrendous for me, both times. I did feel very happy when ds finally emerged that I wouldn't have to do that ever again.
My body took ages to recover from dc2, I only started to feel fit again when he was four. I'm obviously older now, and expect that will be even harder now.
I am finally picking up my career again that got set back when the kids were younger.

I think, bottom line, I primarily want a child because I want a) a bio child with DH, and b) to give him a bio child. He would love that baby stage so much, and love a third child.

What else should I be considering?
How do I decide?

That looks like a lot of cons, but the pros are like 22 times more 'valuable', and I'm really trying to list cons to make sure I make the right decision.

Sorry this is so long.

Oh it’s such a tough one. No one can give you the magic answer. I am so broody for a third but the age isn’t on my side and I can’t shake off the feeling that something would be wrong either medically or that the child would have additional needs. I know we wouldn’t cope with that and I’d also worry about the impact that would have on my other children.
I hope you find the answers you’re looking for

Haha I've been facing a similar conundrum. My youngest is 9mo and I've decided to wait because it's pretty hard with 2 under 3, I don't think I could handle a third just yet.

There are no right or wrong answers, just what works for you and your family. It does sound like you're learning more towards a yes than a no (the fact that you'd be so excited about twins is pretty telling !)

I totally hear you about finally being out of the baby years, but if you have a new baby it'll only be tough for a couple of years, but bring you happiness for much longer !

About the car I'm confused - most cars have five seats, don't they ?

About the vacation thing I'm a bit confused when you say holidays are set for two adults two kids. Surely you can make whatever booking you need ? Lots of families have more than 2 kids and surely most of them occasionally go on vacation.
Also while the youngest is a baby you can usually get a cot set up in your hotel room for a small fee.By the time they're too old for this kind of set up your oldest should be, what, fifteen, so it won't be an issue for very long.

Labour - yeah, it sucks. If it was an issue, would a c-sec be a good option ? If not I guess it depends on whether a new child is worth it to you

Health issues - while the risk is higher you're still more likely to have a healthy baby than not.

I think you should imagine like with a baby, and life without a baby. If you found out today that you can't have anymore, would you be crushed or relieved ? If you found our you were pregnant today, how would you feel about it ?

How old are you OP?

How much you want the baby is always top priority.
Everything else you can make work. Finances can be stretched, holidays are not important. Age... this is a grey area, I know kids who lost young parents at an early age so there are no guarantees there anyway. Birth, you have options. Age gaps, our youngest 2 (twins) are almost 6 and I'm 16+4wk with baby 6, our eldest turns 16 4 months after my due date.

TBH it just sounds like you are both very ready to have another baby.
Go for it and good luck.

It sounds like you want the baby. I’d go for it.
How old are you?

Hi OP,
I’ve been in a similar situation. I had a child before meeting DP, then we had a child together. DP is from a big family and has always wanted 3/4 children (including my first child who isn’t biologically his but he treats as so) so after DC2 (his first) was born DP was open about wanting more children of his own. Luckily age is on our side at the moment so we went for it and are currently a few weeks away from expecting DC3. I think if we never had a DC3 we would regret it more than having DC3 and realising things could be bit tighter financially at some point (with things like holidays etc).

My aunt had two children in her 20s, horrible pregnancies and took her so long to recover from them. She then went on to have 2 pregnancies in her 40s and bounced back a hell of a lot quicker. I know everybody is different but just because you’re older doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have a horrific time. There is always the worry of risks associated with maternal age but these can always be discussed with a doctor prior to ttc to ease your mind. As someone else has said age can be a grey area.

Good luck with your decision! If I were you I’d go for it but I hope you choose what’s right for you! X

Thanks for all the replies.

Gosh, seems it's a lean to a yes, to try.

I'm early 40s, so not ideal, but not impossible.

The house thing, well, it would mean eventually making the office a bedroom, and DH and I both work from home (pre-covid) for several days a week, so need space for that.

Car, can't fit three in the back with car seats.

Holidays, I guess we tend to go on ones where 2a2c works best – one is theme parks, and we each take a child on the rides they like, where the youngest is too short for the ones the eldest can go on, or the eldest doesn't want to go on the boring little rides.
Or, we've been going on holiday with friends who have a boat. They could not fit five of us in. Just a small thing in the grand scheme, but my kids LOVE this holiday with their friends. I'm sure they'd love a new sibling more.

I feel like I would love a baby, DH would, but I do need to consider the impact on the first two – mainly that I already feel stretched in the attention I give them, or how much I can take them to their activities, and I'm mostly, I think, anxious about bringing a child with complications into the mix. We have a friend for whom this is the case and the impact on the other children is massive. I'm also concerned for a third child, should they be unhealthy, that I'm pushing my luck getting a third healthy child.

I also feel the age gap means they don't get a sibling relationship in the same way my first two have.

Marty: "I think you should imagine like with a baby, and life without a baby. If you found out today that you can't have anymore, would you be crushed or relieved ? If you found our you were pregnant today, how would you feel about it ?"

Interesting. I think I'd feel crushed if the choice was taken away from me, if we couldn't have them. If I found out I was pg now, I'd be both ecstatic and anxious, I think.

Having dc1&2 was so easy. I always wanted two, and age felt on my side.

Birthing dc2 was meant to be easier, too, they said, but was horrendous. I guess a third labour might be third time lucky!

Reading through my own posts, I think it is more for dh that I want a child. Is that reason enough to have one? I'd obviously love my baby very much – I love motherhood. But I did feel complete at having two children. Until that relationship ended and I met now-DH.
DH also said, and I think this is important, that he'd love a child WITH ME. It's very much about us, not at all his desire to procreate to get a mini him. He really has come to terms with not having a bio child.

Other than the legit age/ health related concerns everything is seems secondary (and a reasonable compromise, if you want to have a biological child with your DH as you say). I’d stop wasting timing tallying up pros/cons and do it already if you want your relationship to be stronger in the long-term. He will experience your highs and lows of pregnancy and appreciate the journey and endurance that you bear to give him his own child.

Thanks, lmao. I think you're correct.

The health concerns do concern me though, quite a bit. And the associated risks to my own health too. Gosh, I wish I'd met him when I was a bit younger.

I was in exactly same position as you. Two DS's who I share 50/50 with ex and a new partner who didn't have any kids of his own. We had a few years of child free weekend breaks and holidays which was fab but eventually we thought about trying for a baby together as I had just turned 40. I fell pregnant fairly quickly and I'll never ever forget his emotional reaction when I told him. He's nearing 50 and had reconciled with himself that he wouldn't ever be a dad. Youngest DS was 6 when DD was born last year and she's slotted in perfectly. DS's dote on her and play huge part in raising her and caring for her. She adores them too. Just discovered a few days ago that I'm pg with DC4 which I'm trying to come to terms with

Have a look at the multimac car seats.
That's what we're doing to turn our 7 seater in to an 8 seater. Much cheaper than getting a minibus when baby #6 arrives.

I would for it in your situation. If you are worried about your age you could pay privately for non-invasive prenatal testing. I paid for it at my local NHS hospital as a private patient at 10 weeks. My brother is 9 years younger than me and 7 years younger than my sister and we have always got on great.

I would go for it if I were you. A 6 year age gap isn’t phenomenal, in fact your kids sound old enough to entertain themselves a bit/go grab a nappy if you need one!

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, I know you don’t ‘owe’ him as such but it sounds like he wants it more than you don’t, if that makes sense?

I dunno OP I think it sounds like you have a pretty nice set up. Unless you are massively broody or your DH is really keen, I'm not sure I would. It could really take its toll on your body if it took you 4 years to get over the last one.

I've got two mine are 4 and 5, I have a the odd fleeting broody moment but then remind myself how much easier life is now the kids are a bit older!

Chuffoff, that's soooo lovely, and huge congratulations on your current pregnancy. I think my dh is much like yours. I'm sure he'd be over the moon. He had pretty much already resigned himself to not having any bio kids before he net me, as he too is of an age like yours, but I feel it's such a loss, really, and he could have found a slightly younger model than me if he wanted.

Oh, chelyanne, I think unless a successful pregnancy here ends in multiples, I'm done at three. But thanks for the carseat tip.
Congrats to you too!

Aegon, we actually did pay privately for my last child, though it doesn't cover everything. I'm also anxious about birthing complications impacting the baby, or stuff like that, that such tests obviously can't predict.

Thanks for your input re the age gap.

Wondermule: "Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, I know you don’t ‘owe’ him as such but it sounds like he wants it more than you don’t, if that makes sense?" That's actually a really astute and thought-provoking observation. That's really made me think. Thank you.
I know I don't owe him. I do feel he deserves a bio child, though that terminology doesn't quite sit right, but YKWIM. I feel like he'd be sooooo made up, having resigned himself to not having any. I say resigned - before we got together, I did check several times that he really wouldn't rather be with someone ready and willing to try for kids with him, but he chose me. I feel very lucky to have him, and that it would be such a good thing for him.

I remain a little concerned about other factors though.

Don't do it if it's not for yourself as well 100% but I really wouldn't be concerned about the age gap. I'm the youngest of 4 and the closest in age to me is 7 years. We all grew up super close. And there are 20 years between DS13 and DSS33 - they are close, too.

Mearcat: "I dunno OP I think it sounds like you have a pretty nice set up. Unless you are massively broody or your DH is really keen, I'm not sure I would. It could really take its toll on your body if it took you 4 years to get over the last one."

Yes. This is right. We do have a nice set up. I'm very happy. I'm not massively broody. I wouldn't actually say I'm broody at all, not so much for a baby, more, I imagine how nice it would be to have a baby that's DH's. It doesn't feel the same as when I wanted my first two, who I'd wanted since I was old enough to want babies. I could get used to the idea. As for DH being massively keen, I believe he has put it to the back of his mind, or even totally out of his mind, as that's what I'd said when we got together, so unless I raise it, thus getting his hopes up, I don't know for sure, that he'd want to complicate our set up, but I think he would love to have a baby.
My gut says that he's really content with our set up, he really adores my bio two as if they are his, we enjoy the weekends just the two of us, are looking forward to trips we can do with the big kids that were tricky when the youngest was younger (e.g. skiing) etc. A new baby would upend a lot. But also bring a lot of joy.
Hm.

I think one of my big issues is, is my wanting to have a baby for DH enough of a reason to create a life. I'm very motherly and am sure I would be over the moon, but I'm that much older, that much more tired, I'm anxious a third would age me more than the first two already have.

Re the toll on my body, it's more that I BFed for several years, which obviously is a choice, but likely one I'd make again if it came to it. Which I really loved, but it does also deplete me, physically, somewhat, and meant I took longer to be able to get back into regular exercise.

Latte, thanks for your reply.
I'm not sure I would be 100%, because of the reasons given. But maybe 75% is enough? If DH is 125%! Not that I know he is, mind. He seems pretty content. I just feel pangs of What If ..., and think it would be so lovely for him. And me, of course, but obviously the toll is on me and my body. Plus the other concerns.

@D0tD0tD0t

Latte, thanks for your reply. I'm not sure I would be 100%, because of the reasons given. But maybe 75% is enough? If DH is 125%! Not that I know he is, mind. He seems pretty content. I just feel pangs of What If ..., and think it would be so lovely for him. And me, of course, but obviously the toll is on me and my body. Plus the other concerns.

Do you feel you would regret not trying in say, 5 years? If you could click you fingers and have a 4 year old who is past the baby/toddler stage, would you do it? If so I suspect it’s just the thought of the initial sleepless nights etc that is putting you off.

If you’re worried about the physical impact, you could consider a planned Caesarian and bottle feeding this time?

Good luck whatever you decide x

It's such a hard question. I actually can't say if I'd regret it in five years. I really am content now. Just this newish niggle of What If..?

I actually found the early years easier than now. BFing was effortless, albeit I felt a little drained. Certainly easier than faffing around with bottles.
Now my kids are full on, and far more demanding of my time and attention than they were as babies.

I think a CS is not a route I'd plan. Surely if I have a third, I'd get an easier labour than the first two?!? It should work like that! Though crikey, the thought of labouring again really is off-putting.