How do I/we decide about having a(nother) child?

[D0tD0tD0t]

I have two children from my first marriage.

My DH has no children. I know he really wanted children, but it didn't happen in his first marriage. He is definitely capable, biologically, so that's not an issue.

I initially told him I had completed my family, and wouldn't be having more. He said he'd rather be with me than find someone else to have children with. He loves my two like they are biologically his. Early days in, I asked him if I considered it, how would he feel, and he said he'd feel absolutely delighted. Primarily because I didn't want to bring a baby into my existing children's lives at that stage after my separation from their father, that idea got parked for a couple of years. He's never pushed me on it. He knows what I went through birthing these two, and the toll on my body.

I am now thinking I'd like a third/give him his first biological child.

But. My youngest is six. I really thought he was the last child for me, I really did feel complete when he was born.
We are now at the stage where the children are relatively independent, out of that baby/toddler/preschool stage. Their bio father has them EOW giving us a couple of childfree weekends a month, we had (prior to lockdown) a good social life etc.

I have not mentioned this to DH as I don't want to get his hopes up just yet.

Pros.
A new baby. Squee! I already have names in mind. 😁
DH would have a bio child, and I'd love to do that for him.
My kids have both asked for a baby. (Not recently, though. I think they gave up hoping.)
I REALLY love being pregnant.

Cons.
We have a comfortable life – not loaded, but ok. A third child would necessitate a car upgrade, and mean a bit of a squeeze at home, harder to do holidays as most are set for 2a2c.
I am anxious about my age having an impact on the child's health. Or indeed just having a child with additional needs. We have been very lucky with my two.
The age gap. Youngest would be seven at the earliest, assuming I fall pregnant soon. That's a big gap, will new baby grow up feeling like an only child? (Unless they are twins! I'd love twins!)
Labour/childbirth was horrendous for me, both times. I did feel very happy when ds finally emerged that I wouldn't have to do that ever again.
My body took ages to recover from dc2, I only started to feel fit again when he was four. I'm obviously older now, and expect that will be even harder now.
I am finally picking up my career again that got set back when the kids were younger.

I think, bottom line, I primarily want a child because I want a) a bio child with DH, and b) to give him a bio child. He would love that baby stage so much, and love a third child.

What else should I be considering?
How do I decide?

That looks like a lot of cons, but the pros are like 22 times more 'valuable', and I'm really trying to list cons to make sure I make the right decision.

Sorry this is so long.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Meant to say thank you for your kind wishes too.

Thanks, Italian Greyhound.

The very best of luck with your decision.
Can I gently suggest taking folic acid in the meantime ? x

I am in the same situation. 2 with exH who are 15 & 18 so would be looking at huge age gap. I'm 42, DP 47. He'd previously had IVF with exW but this was unsuccessful. We're now 11 months from having mirena out and nothing is happening for us. He had very negative experience with IVF so doesn't want intervention. We are somewhat in the lap of the gods it feels. I'd assumed no difficulties as I'd had 2 previously. It gets harder each month as I have to accept it's unlikely.

11:30, that's a LOVELY suggestion that despite my previous pregnancies, hadn't even occurred to me. Thank you, I will. Xx

Courtrai, very best of luck to you.

Are your periods regular? Have you had blood tests?

I wouldn’t rock the boat. You have something that is working beautifully. A new bio kid may disrupt the balance by creating a hierarchy where your partner starts feeling (as anybody does with a PFB) that his child should be prioritised over the other 2. It doesn’t have to happen but looking at the stepparents’ thread it seems it is not infrequent.

Big age differences are difficult to manage. We have 3kids between DP and I with 3 years difference between them. It is really difficult to reconcile the wants and needs they have for their particular ages, no matter how inclusive we are and how considerate we are to fulfill each child needs there is always some one who is bored, resentful, upset or that would prefer to be somewhere else.

And it comes the issue of age and the risks that come with it, surely, you are not that old to have a kid, some people have them even older but honestly, the idea of being dealing with a young child during menopause when the older ones are teenagers makes for an explosive mix. My mother went into perimenopause while the three of us were teenagers, I don’t have a clue how my poor father managed to put up with us all 😁

I understand you want to do something nice for your DP but could you supplement the bio baby’s university costs as a family after dad goes into retirement? Just something to think about.

@D0tD0tD0t

Courtrai, very best of luck to you.

Are your periods regular? Have you had blood tests?

Yes - all regular as clockwork. I guess it's just down to egg/sperm quality with a hefty dose of luck. No tests as I think we're both trying not to get swept up and obsessed. Like your DP he says if it doesn't happen then so be it, I guess he's had many years to get used to the idea of not having children.

I'm much like you - had happily and willingly resigned myself to the fact that I'd finished with the baby years so truthfully I'm a little torn however I know he'd gladly take in the lions share of parenting as he's fortunate to have flexibility with regards work and financially we'd be comfortable.

I know how much he'd love it - I just hope one day it happens

@KarmaNoMore

I wouldn’t rock the boat. You have something that is working beautifully. A new bio kid may disrupt the balance by creating a hierarchy where your partner starts feeling (as anybody does with a PFB) that his child should be prioritised over the other 2. It doesn’t have to happen but looking at the stepparents’ thread it seems it is not infrequent.

Big age differences are difficult to manage. We have 3kids between DP and I with 3 years difference between them. It is really difficult to reconcile the wants and needs they have for their particular ages, no matter how inclusive we are and how considerate we are to fulfill each child needs there is always some one who is bored, resentful, upset or that would prefer to be somewhere else.

And it comes the issue of age and the risks that come with it, surely, you are not that old to have a kid, some people have them even older but honestly, the idea of being dealing with a young child during menopause when the older ones are teenagers makes for an explosive mix. My mother went into perimenopause while the three of us were teenagers, I don’t have a clue how my poor father managed to put up with us all 😁

I understand you want to do something nice for your DP but could you supplement the bio baby’s university costs as a family after dad goes into retirement? Just something to think about.

Thanks for all these points. All valid.

I do understand the issue of prioritising his bio child, though I do also think, that's what happens with a baby anyway, and even as they grow, being the baby of the family, especially with such an age gap, may make it ok.

And yes. Which is why I only wanted two, so each parent could focus on one child at a time if that was an issue. I already have four and a half years between my two, and they don't always want to do the same thing, or simply can't.
That said, DH is six years older than his sister, and they get on brilliantly.

Not overly concerned about university. There's the OU, or life's changing anyway in that regard. But I think, if it came to it, we could help there, yes. Though who knows how expensive it will be by then, if we can't oust the corrupt Tories and their media co-conspiritors asap.

Courtrai, yes. Though I do think had DH met someone else a few years ago instead of me, he may well have kids by now. I do remember, before we got together, and were just friends, he asked me if I was complete at two, and I was so vehement in my "dear god YES, no way am I doing that again" response, he knew what he was choosing when he chose me. Yet later, when we were together, I asked him if he really was ok with not having bio kids, and he said a child with me would be wonderful. So.

And same re my DH, I think apart from the feeding (I'd opt to BF), he'd gladly do so much for a baby/me. That's just how he is. He's SOOO good with my two, and they adore him.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I've just always known I'd like 2 children, a boy and a girl. For me 1 of each would be perfect. I know obviously there's no guarantees that will happen before anyone says anything, and obviously any child is a blessing and would be perfect.
We have 1 child, a boy. My husband and I have always said we wouldn't even think of trying for another until our 1st is settled at school. We wouldn't want another baby while our 1st was so young. A 5-6 year gap would be perfect for us. When he's settled at school I feel I'd be more able to give my 2nd baby the same attention I gave my 1st. He's 5, he started reception this September. Initially we may have thought about trying for another within the next year or 2, as we feel he will be properly settled by then. Obviously now with the situation we wouldn't even consider trying for another so soon. Will all depend on how things are and what happens.
My mum had her children 10 years apart though. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I. Which was so nice because I was able to me so much more involved.