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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Was your partner very hands on/interested whilst you were pregnant?

51 replies

KIQFTM · 29/10/2004 11:48

Just wondered, did you partner take a fascinated interest in every aspect of your pregnancy?

Have a few friends also pregnant atm and their partners are either buying and reading books on the subject or saying that they can't wait for the baby to be here etc. These are all first timers, I'm on my second, partner's 1st. And, er, my partner hasn't done any of these things. Is treating it like an abstract concept amt I think. Also, think he sees me as the "professional" just because I've done it before?

Is this boding badly for the future or is this very normal behaviour? I'm not seriously over anxious about it, more curious and a bit of reassurance that lots of men are like this would be nice.

Thanks

OP posts:
Chuffed · 29/10/2004 11:55

I borrowed the books but dh did read them. First time for both of us so a bit more like your friends I'm afraid.

pixiefish · 29/10/2004 11:56

dh left it all to me

MrsDoolittle · 29/10/2004 12:00

No, in answer to your title
But he has become totally devoted since dd was born. "Suddenly," he said "tt all made sense!"
He took her into work this morning to show her off

helsy · 29/10/2004 12:09

Doesn't sound too unhealthy, so long as he's supportive. It might just take him a while to see it as more than an abstract concept - also, if you're not the magic 12 wks yet he might be scared of getting too involved - which we don't have any choice in. I must admit I quite liked having some parts of the pregnancy that were just mine and found that having a partner who read everything and wanted to be completely involved unhelpful at times, particularly as men sometimes interpret things in different ways to us.
I found dh's attitude to pain relief quite interesting - apparently "we" were only having gas and air and lavender(yeah, right...)

Original poster
KIQFTM · 29/10/2004 12:11

I'm just at 12 weeks and not showing at all. Think I would be throwing books at an overly book mad partner but...

OP posts:
Skate · 29/10/2004 12:16

No he wasn't. He didn't read anything and was never as excited as me about feeling the babies kick (got 3 ds's now). He did come to NCT antenatal classes but I'm sure he wouldn't have done if he'd had it his way!

I think it's just not 'real' to them, they are not going through the pregnancy themselves so nothing really changes for them until the baby is here (except for perhaps no sex and lots of grumpiness ).

My dh is brilliant with all 3 of my boys - so don't worry about that at all. It just doesn't seem like reality to them until they can hold the baby themselves.

Good luck!!

Marina · 29/10/2004 12:17

Huh. My dh is a devoted if occasionally clueless dad and while he was generally supportive during my pregnancies he was NOT that interested in reading books or mags (although anything mentioning SEX in pregnancy usually drew his attention ). As you say, until he could feel the kicks, he was very abstract about it all. Benign, but abstract. He did all the right things like buy flowers and attend NCT sessions - you might want to check these out now for refresher classes if interested kiqftm, they get booked up really fast. My second-timers group was much more mellow and friendly, I would recommend it to anyone, truly.
He came into his own once the babies arrived, definitely. I bet your dp will too.
I think any man who says "I can't wait for the baby to be here" is lying through his teeth . Or missing a few cogs somewhere. Or their wives/girlfriends are disseminating misleading information.

nailpolish · 29/10/2004 12:20

my dh was a bit frightened i think. he treated me as fragile and was not even keen to touch my belly cos he didnt want to hurt the baby. i took it the wrong way and got upset, dont worry, maybe your dp is the same, dont show him gory pics, when your bump gets big get him to massage your belly etc hth!

Original poster
KIQFTM · 29/10/2004 12:21

Well, I did have a wry laugh to myself at the "Can't wait..." comment.

OP posts:
listmaker · 29/10/2004 12:21

Hate to be the harbinger of gloom but my exp was totally disinterested and in complete denial during both my pregnancies. I did all the exciting shopping and planning things with my mum and I'll always feel a bit sad that I didn't get to share that excitement with a partner.

Once they were born he was a bit more interested for a while, then had an affair, I kicked him out and he hasn't seen or had anything to do with them for 3.5 years!!!

I'm sure that won't happen to you of course. Some men do need to see the baby before they get it!!

tarantula · 29/10/2004 12:21

My dp was very laid back with a "been there done that attitude" (dss is 13). It was really frustrating for me as I thought he could be a bit more supportive. He got better as the pregnancy progessed tho as "the bump" made the whole thing "more real" (his words).
DP is also not a reader at all unlike the partners of many of my friends. He did get round to dipping into a few of my books tho (left them in places where he might pick them up eg the bathroom, beside his side of the bed etc.)
He is now a SAHD and brilliant with dd (9mths) and had dss round loads during the holidays which was great for all.
I think with some men it doesnt sink in till they actually see the child IYSWIM

aloha · 29/10/2004 12:46

I'm really, really surprised that there are men out there reading baby books! Certainly not my experience and my husband is a very dedicated father, just not very interested in reading books about pregnancy!

sis · 29/10/2004 13:02

Neither of us read any baby/pregnancy books but I think we do okay as parents! Seriously though, my husband didn't read anything - not even the stuff fromthe hospital - he came for the first hospital appt cos I dragged him. He is now the most doting dad imaginable - but I shouldpoint out that it took him about four or five weeks after our son was born to really bond with him.

If anything, I'd say my husband resented the fact that the pregnancy was making me feel so awful.

MrsWednesday · 29/10/2004 13:52

My DH showed very little interest in my pregnancy, didn't read a single book and didn't attend a single ante-natal class. But during the birth he was fantastically supportive and helpful (basically just doing everything I asked him to) and when our DS was born, he was much more relaxed and confident with him than I was.

This is a long-winded way of saying some men just don't relate to the pregnancy in any way, but it doesn't mean they aren't going to be brilliant dads when the time comes. One of my friends was due at the same time as me, and her DH read everything he could get his hands on - and if I'm honest, I found it extremely annoying being lectured to about pregnancy and childbirth by a man!

SANA · 29/10/2004 13:54

DH has got me some books but has not read any of them. He has come to both the scans & i think it was at the 12wk scan that it all became real to him and he has become more intrested. I am taking him to the hospital antenatal classes in Jan & thinking of taking him to a active birth workshop so that can get his mind focussed on the brith. I think all partners just like mums are diff and I am not worried that he is not into reading all this info as I am....in a way I think its better that way as he will just get the worng end of the stick anyway!!

muddaofsuburbia · 29/10/2004 14:02

First time round I read everything I could get my hands on and gave dh diluted information. He liked the brief e-mail type updates with a paragraph and a picture of "what your baby's doing this week" - you know the kind. This time round (I'm only 8weeks) he knows his stuff, but he likes to be reminded that baby is the size of a rice grain/raspberry etc etc.

He did take a lot of care over my diet - eg buying me treats he knew I could stomach and insisting I give up sweeteners in my tea and take sugar instead. He wasn't the Pregnancy Police - more like the Pregnancy Bodyguard.

During ds' birth (which was awful) he wasn't much help at all though because after 3 days of contractions neither of us had had any sleep. I got an epidural and dozed for 1/2 and hour, he stayed awake and was a aombie during the whole time.

Fab daddy as soon as ds was dragged out though and has been ever since. I really don't tell him that enough. Should phone him now really...

Uwila · 29/10/2004 14:23

All men are different. And they therefore make different kinds of dads. Just as we are all different kinds of mums. My DH has had to be pulled along kicking and screaming all the way. He wouldn't have attended the birth if he had though for minute that I might allow him to live afterwards. I just didn't give him a choice I wasn't prepared to accept. Depends on what it is. If he refuses to attend antenatal class, I'll live with it. If he were to suggest that I shouldn't have pain medicine, I would laugh at him. I think lots come around after birth, and other just think it's women's work.

My dd is pretty good with dd now, but only when it's convenient to him.

When she was very young and he would look after her for a couple of hours, he would later make comments about how he had been good to me by babysitting for me. To which I would reply "'Babysitting' is something one does for someone ELSES children"

Sorry... sore subject for me. But, on the other hand, I do reserve the right to make the decisions since I feel I do more of the work. Like if I want a private scan, I just tell him how it's gonna be. And that's that. I figure it's my payment for doing most of the work.

Uwila · 29/10/2004 14:25

Listmaker, SO SORRY! I guess I have little to complain about.

Nimme · 29/10/2004 18:00

'fraid not. DH also not very interested. I have forcefed him info throughout - at times more than he wanted/needed to know but hey it's his baby too. Sex becomes a no no for him when I show too much and he doesn't like the whole kicking thing -too alien-like for him. He is very good with DD now but didn't do too well at the baby stage.

He'll be very hands on with this baby though (I have told him) as I don't want DD to feel left out (might be back here bitching about it in a few weeks though...)

libb · 29/10/2004 18:10

DP appeared uninterested until the first kick and still didn't bother reading even then. I would read out to him instead and interrogate him to see if any of it had gone in!

Mind you, when I bought a blue babygro with "Daddy is the best" on it he was really chuffed - and as far as our DS (and I) are concerned he is the best!

motherinferior · 29/10/2004 18:44

Totally hopeless, my DP was, completely reluctant to contemplate the reality of a baby first time round and pretty reluctant second time. Didn't matter AT ALL in the end. He's bathing the kids as I write

bunny2 · 29/10/2004 18:50

No, not interested in the pregnancy but a fab dad!

Hausfrau · 29/10/2004 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 29/10/2004 19:00

My dp is a wonderful, doting, great father and now a SAHD who didn't read a thing when I was pregnant. First time for him too, second for me. I kept saying things like "do you REALISE how tired/aching/whatever we're going to be?" but he just wouldn't read anything. He's not a great reader anyway though. My friend's husband (they have 2 dds) reckoned men just don't get it because 'it just aint happening for them' so I think it's normal and I your partner will be a sweetie once the baby's born, you'll be ok. I think there can be a bit of Well-you've-done-this-before-I-don't-need-to-find-out-stuff going on in our situations. Great post Marina!

motherinferior · 29/10/2004 19:03

Yes, my DP did miraculously memorise the fact that I was supposed to turn into a sexcrazed hormonally driven rampant nympho...

...and kept waiting for a full nine months for this to happen

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