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Did you wait to tell people you were pregnant?

30 replies

duffy · 01/10/2002 11:36

I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm desperate to tell friends and family - not least to explain why I feel so lousy - but a bit of me feels I should keep it a secret until the end of the first trimester just in case anything goes wrong. But then again, it's not like I wouldn't tell close friends that I'd miscarried so maybe I'm just being superstitious. Can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Snugs · 01/10/2002 11:53

I chose to only tell family and close friends when pregnant with ds1, like you I was a bit wary until after the first trimester. PIL however didn't have such worries and apparently rushed out to their local boozer and announced it to all and sundry, cue round of congratulatory drinks. DH was very miffed when he strolled in there a few weeks later to break the news to be greeted with bored faces.
With ds2 the big silly grin on my face gave it away to everyone

Only you can decide, I think I would opt for telling those you are closest to and ask them to respect your privacy until you are further along.

SoupDragon · 01/10/2002 11:59

With DS1 we didn't tell anyone until after our nuchal scan abot about 12 weeks. It was nice having a little secret (well a big one really). Mind you, I was lucky as I didn't feel ill.

With DS2 we had to tell my parents at under 2 months pregnant as I put my back out really badly and had to go and stay with them for a week. WE had to explain why I couldn't take many pain killers!

It's really a personal matter. If you're happy to tell close friends/family then I agree with Snugs - tell them but ask them not to tell anyone else.

Oh, and congratulations!

sis · 01/10/2002 12:34

Duffy, I told some people at work before the end of my first trimester for precisely that reason - if I had had a miscarriage, I was sure that I would need some time off and a lot of understanding from my boss so I thought it only fair that he knew about the pregnancy. Also, we moved affices when I was about 2.5 months pregnant and I did very little lifting and packing!

Philippat · 01/10/2002 13:09

I had a rule of thumb that if I was happy to tell people IN PERSON that I'd miscarried (ie not just passed round office), then I could tell them. This included most of my work mates. As it happens I was puking 5x a day from 9 weeks so not much of a secret really.

Katherine · 01/10/2002 13:45

With my first pg I told everyone straight away as I was so excited. I then lost the baby and it was horrible having to "untell" everyone. But I'm glad I did as they were very supportive and it hit me really hard. Pg2 only told my mum and BF. Lost this baby too. BF stopped talking to me (long story) and mum went to pieces (sorry can't talk to you now dear I'm too upset!!). Hence with pg3 did not tell a soul until 3 month scan. Same with DD. Now pg again but have told DS and DD and they are telling everyone for me. However feel so rotten would be hard to hide anyway. Feel that if I did loose this baby then I would want people to know.

I think its lovely to have a secret but its also nice to share. I'd tell a few select people that you feel comfortable telling and ask them to keep it quiet. The only draw back of not telling is that sometimes the word can get out anyway and it spoils your big annoucement. But I'd tell the world when you feel confident and just tell the people you want to share the pg with first of all.

bundle · 01/10/2002 13:49

both times I only told people once I had dating scan. keeping it a secret during sicky/tired stage actually helped me to cope with those symptoms. still ate lots of hula hoops though, so anyone who was in the know would have clicked. I've just told a very dear friend who's had all sorts of complicated miscarriages over the years, has one daughter but would dearly love another one. she was the hardest person to tell, you can't help but feeling guilty because you're pg and she's not.

SueDonim · 01/10/2002 14:34

I always told as late as possible. When I had my first two you couldn't get home pg tests so you waited until you'd missed two periods before you could even be sure yourself! It just isn't something I want to share with all and sundry, I prefer to mull over it for a bit. It did mean no one except DH knew when I had a mc but even that I preferred to keep to myyself. I guess it's horses for courses, really.

Chinchilla · 01/10/2002 19:55

I told my parents and my hairdresser (only because she asked the question! You know 'So, any kids on the way yet' - it sort of caught me off guard). I also told a girl who I knew who was also pregnant, because I wanted her opinion on something.

Other than that, we waited until I had had the scan before telling anyone else. We also made my parents keep quiet until we gave then the all clear. I was terrified of m/c'ing, and was worried about 'jinxing' myself by telling too many people. I am also really bad about keeping good secrets (I can keep important ones, or ones that are not mine to keep), so the strain was enormous!

Duffy - Congratulations! Do what you want to do, taking your dp's views into consideration. It is your pregnancy, so your decision.

jodee · 01/10/2002 21:02

Duffy, first of all - congratulations!

I agree with PhilippaT - I had announced to the world (well, the Mumsnet world) I was expecting my second in February and only told a handful of people personally (including my boss), so they would understand if I was feeling unwell. As it turned out I did miscarry - I had no regrets about initally sharing my news with Mumsnetters as everyone was so supportive but was glad only to have to tell one or two people in person.

lilibet · 01/10/2002 21:10

Sue, I remember those! you were 12 weeks pregnant before you found out, its so different now. We had someone at work announce that she was going for a pregnancy test at lunch, sory but I think it takes alot away from it. With my last I waited till 8 weeks, had to then as my stomach muscles had given up and I looked 6 months!

Lindy · 01/10/2002 21:17

Did anyone else feel really awkward about telling people - I didn't tell anyone until about 16 weeks; firstly - I didn't know myself until 10 weeks ( !!) and then, to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed about the whole thing - I'd always been adamant that I never wanted children so I felt a bit of a fool to have to admit that I'd changed my mind ...... as everyone said I always would of course!! And also being pregnant at 42 seems past it! I must admit I left it to DH to tell most people ... I particularly dreaded telling my mum, & in fact had to blurt it out over the phone as she was pontificating on about someone else she knew having a baby well over 40 & calling her a fool ........... however mum was over the moon!

sobernow · 01/10/2002 22:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susanmt · 01/10/2002 23:37

Congrats Duffy!
With my first two pregnancies I was unmarried (know that doesnt matter, but did to me then!) so I never told anyone, and as I lost both babies, have never felt like I could tell many people (obviously my (now) dh knew).
With dd, we wanted to wait until we could tell our parents in person, so I was 14 weeks until we told people.
With the next pregnancy, again we wanted to tell people in person, so we did so when I was 8 weeks. I was so glad we did, as I had a mc and everyone was so supportive, which would have been much harder if they didnt know.
With ds, we were old hands and just phoned everyone up at 6 weeks when I found out and told them.

SueDonim · 02/10/2002 10:31

I think the worst 'telling' I had to do was informing my 21yr old son that I was pg. I had the reaction I expected - he was not a happy bunny. Fortunately, he fell in love with dd the first time he set eyes on her and decided to admit she really was his sister and not a baby we'd adopted from a Romanian Orphanage.

tigermoth · 02/10/2002 11:46

Telling a grown up child you are pregnant again, now that's something I'm never going to face because I'll be way past childbering age before my sons' are adults. Can imagine it's not the easiest news to break, though.

Who tells the news you're pregnant? I must admit this is something I feel strongly about. Once we'd decided to go public, I got irrationally upset if my dh told family and mutual friends that I was pregnant. I remember seething in the background while I heard my dh telling on of my close friends I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I knew the news would result in questions about my morning sickness and what sex we hoped for, etc. As soon as people know you are pregnant, IME all sorts of things become public property. My body, my news. I also like to see the reaction on people's faces when you tell them. You can learn a lot from that first reaction.

As for when, in the first trimester we agreed to tell on a 'need to know' basis, as well as close family. I preferred to tell few people, though would have revealed all on mumsnet.

The very first time I was pregnant, age 34, I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. We told lots of people I was pregnant and the news was greeted with great surprise - most people had assumed I didn't want children. Therefore news spread fast. I was still coming to terms with the idea of motherhood (and quietly panicing) when I lost the baby. I then had mixed feelings about the miscarriage, especially since it was an early one. I felt very confused and this was not helped by the fact that total strangers, people who knew my husband or a friend of mine, came up to tell me how sorry they were I had lost my baby. I felt like a rabbit frozen in front of a car's headlights. Didn't know what to say or do.

So, Duffy if you want advice, I'd say tell few people till after the first trimester, and if poss, tell them youself.

Bozza · 02/10/2002 14:35

To put the other POV to Tigermoth. We arranged to go out for a meal with both sets of parents plus siblings and partners. And DH told them there. This was at 7 weeks. I would have waited longer but it was summer and with holidays and things it would have been a long time before we could see them again. That was Friday evening and we asked them to keep it to themselves for the rest of the weekend so that we could visit the grandparents and let them know next. MIL immediately blabbed to her neighbours which wound us both up but didn't really matter. After that weekend it was pretty much everyone knew except my work. I don't really socialise with work colleagues so there was no chance of them finding out by accident. I told my boss at 3 months and then let if filter through the rest of the office.

I think in future I might wait a bit longer because I quite enjoyed having the secret that just DH and me knew. And also its a few less weeks of the inevitable sex and name questions.

Katherine · 02/10/2002 16:01

Went to see one of my df this afternoon to tell her the news only to find my SIL had beaten me to it. Grrrr! Isn't it so annoying when that happens. So there is a lot to be said for spreading the news yourself otherwise its a big let down when you make your grand anouncement only to find they already knew. NOT VERY HAPPY WITH SIL!

Philippat · 02/10/2002 16:33

I didn't mind dh telling people, especially his family. His mum cried when he told her (ou of happiness, she's been subtly asking for about 10 years and had obviously assumed we weren't having any). That was a beautiful moment between the two of them. DH had just helped his mum nurse his grandmother through her final weeks so it was an emotional moment that meant a lot for them.

Bozza · 02/10/2002 16:49

I do think that sometimes people can be a bit insensitive and "pinch" your news. Thats partly why we made the decision to tell the close family first and then to generally let everyone know immediately afterwards rather than to let the news leek out. I know that my Mum would have been very discreet (one of those areas she is good at) but I was cross when MIL broke the news to her neighbour. Its not that I wanted to tell the neighbour myself (not at all) but that we'd expressly asked for just two days of silence before telling the world and she expressly went against our wishes at the first possible opportunity.

Scatterbrain · 02/10/2002 16:54

We told our parents at 8 weeks but swore them to secrecy - unfortunately they held us to it and we assumed other relatives knew by 8 months, and were surprised at their surprise when we saw them ! We didn't expect them to keep the secret after 12 weeks - but clearly we weren't explicit enough !

nona · 02/10/2002 19:08

personally, I would tell your friends and family -try and be positive right from the start, both my previous and my current pregnancy(I have a lovely healthy two year old and so far so good this baby is growing well only 3 weeks to go) have been miracles and each time I was told not to get too excited but I felt that if anything did go wrong I would need their support anyway. Pregnancy can be such a wonderful experience and it only lasts 9 months so enjoy it as soon as you can don't worry too much about something that may never happen. I was 5 weeks when I told my family and telling your family usually means the world and his dog will know within days anyway.

jemw · 02/10/2002 23:23

Congratulations duffy

With both my pregnancies we told only parents and a couple of close friends, then told more once we got past 3-4 months, I wanted to tell friends only that I could trust would provide the support I wanted if something went wrong in the early days,
but I have other friends who told as soon as they knew.
Bundle, I also had a friend who had had many miscarriages and i felt v guilty telling her.

It is nice having that secret with dp and no one else particularly when seeing other babies and knowing you have one inside you

ooh making me feel all broody again just typing this!

Ghosty · 03/10/2002 09:40

Congratulation Duffy - when are you due?

With DS I told my parents straight away as I hate keeping secrets from them but didn't tell anyone else to start with. However, by 10 weeks most of my family had guessed - mainly because I was not drinking or smoking and eating like food was going out of fashion and most people at work guessed because I kept running out of assembly to throw up!

This time we are on the other side of the world so it is a bit better to keep a secret but I have still told my parents.

I think that it is good that some people know because if something does happen then you have the support don't you?

PS Apart from my parents Mumsnet were the first to hear our news this time!!!!

Pjay · 03/10/2002 10:57

Congrats Duffy.

When i got pregnant the first time I wanted to tell everyone, and practically did. But unfortunately I did miscarry and on top of all the personal pain and agony I was going through I was worried then about telling everyone what had happened and facing them feeling sorry for me. I was glad though that i had told my parents because they were great with the support.
This time round I waited until about 16 weeks, until I had had my dating scan and a few check ups before telling anyone.
I think if you can trust your family then tell them and enjoy it.

Batters · 03/10/2002 11:17

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