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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else giving baby mum's surname?

64 replies

Coffeecake90 · 27/02/2021 08:05

Just curious. Have read articles online about couples who have done it but don't know anyone in real life.

We are very much a happy couple, but I feel it is unfair that essentially because I don't have a penis (nor any brothers/cousins), my surname ends with me. My OH has a huge number of cousins and also half brothers etc with his surname, his surname won't be reaching end of the line any time soon!

There's me already justifying the reasons for using my surname...

Anyone else doing the same?x

OP posts:

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wirralsquirrel21 · 01/03/2021 13:41

When we married I double barrelled but dh didn’t. We’re going to pass on only his surname, partly because that’s the only part of my surname we all have in common, but also I don’t want to saddle a child with an already unwieldy surname in case they choose to double barrel themselves in the future.

My in laws are about it but they still send post to Mr and Mrs Surname even though that is LITERALLY NOT MY NAME.

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 01/03/2021 15:04

@tofuschnitzel If we stop using difficult surnames, then we'll just end up in a sea of Smith's and Jones'

That's a really good point and one I (admittedly) hadn't given much thought. I definitely don't want to give it up altogether so keeping it as a middle name seems like a good compromise but it's such a loaded issue and it feels like there is no "right" answer.

MooreLew · 01/03/2021 15:09

@tofuschnitzel I'm the same, both of our children will have DP surname. We are due to get married imminently anyway and it's been postponed due to covid twice. It's a personal choice and I think there is nothing wrong with having the mum or dad's surname.

SomersetHamlyn · 01/03/2021 15:10

I also have a 'difficult' surname. Because i'm not White British. My husband has a 'top 10' British surname, extremely common in the part of the UK that he comes from.

I never had any intention of denying the half of my kids' heritage that is not White British.

MooreLew · 01/03/2021 15:10

Sorry I replied to the wrong person should've @SlovenlyUnwedMother

SomersetHamlyn · 01/03/2021 15:10

@MooreLew I'm the same, both of our children will have DP surname. We are due to get married imminently anyway and it's been postponed due to covid twice. It's a personal choice and I think there is nothing wrong with having the mum or dad's surname.

Why do you think, if it's purely 'a personal choice', that approximately 97% of children born in the UK are given their father's surname and not their mother's?

MooreLew · 01/03/2021 15:12

@SomersetHamlyn because that's tradition? But it is ultimately a choice, you don't have to give the fathers surname? You're not forced into it.

SomersetHamlyn · 01/03/2021 15:21

@MooreLew Of course it's a choice. Which is why I didn't give my children their father's surname.

I was asking you about your assertion that it's simply 'a personal choice' and comes with no historical or political baggage.

MooreLew · 01/03/2021 15:24

@SomersetHamlyn I am not here to get into political or feminist debates. I'm simply stating that it was my choice to give my children their fathers name and I believe either way is fine. Obviously you have strong thoughts against this, as is your right. Quite frankly it's the right decision for me and I couldn't give less of a damn about political or historical baggage.

tofuschnitzel · 01/03/2021 16:01

@SlovenlyUnwedMother "That's a really good point and one I (admittedly) hadn't given much thought. I definitely don't want to give it up altogether so keeping it as a middle name seems like a good compromise but it's such a loaded issue and it feels like there is no "right" answer."

Being pregnant has definitely brought all of this to the fore, there's a lot to consider! I did initially think I would be happy to use my surname as a middle name for my children, but how often would it be used? Not very much at all really. I guess I'm pushing back a bit on the name issue, because I also never see someone say that the father has a difficult surname, so we'll use the mother's surname. If a father has a difficult surname then the expectation is that it will still be used, but a woman's name has to be easy to spell for it to even be considered. My husband has a very easy surname, so it would make things a bit easier to use his name, but I kept my surname for important reasons, and I think my children should have both of our surnames.

It's nice to have a conversation about this, I know it is a contentious issue for many.

MeadowHay · 01/03/2021 17:05

Not the same as your circumstance but when DH and I got married we both double-barelled our names and DC has our double-barelled surname. We agreed this long before ttc. I would never have changed my surname to just his and I would never have registered my DC with just his surname either, mine is important to me. Do what is important/right for you.

Tallybeebloom · 01/03/2021 19:17

I'm pregnant, me and DP aren't married. I was before and didn't take my exh's surname then (no kids). Mine and DP's baby will have both our names. DP didn't take much convincing because he could see how important it was to me. I basically said I knew he would want baby to have his name (I know this is important to him) but it's also important for me to share my name with my child so they could have both our names. It was pretty much non-negotiable. I have a 'difficult' and long (10 letter) foreign name whilst DP's is a very common, easy to spell Scottish name. My name is a reflection of my heritage which made it even more important for my child to share it with me. I get it's important for DP for the baby to have his name for the same reasons, so the only way to go is for them to have both.

bluemoon7 · 01/03/2021 22:46

Currently pregnant as well. I kept my name when my husband and I got married, and our first child will have my husband’s surname with my surname as an extra middle name. For the next child, we will switch—my surname with his as an additional middle name. Like some other posters, I am not white British, so it’s important to me to pass on my name—though people always have trouble spelling it! When the second one comes along, there might be some comments from traditional British family members (especially the ones who send me birthday cards addressed to my husband’s mother), but oh well... Everyone has an opinion, but ultimately, whatever you name your kid is just their name and everyone will have to accept it/go along with it.

Fleetw00d · 06/03/2021 22:29

I'm currently pregnant and not married to baby's father, although it's likely to happen over the next few years although I would either keep my name or double barrel it if we did ever marry. Both our surnames are pretty generic/common, his definitely more so and for many months I was in two minds about giving her his name for ease or double barrelling it. However I knew that when I got to registering her birth giving her a last name that I currently don't have will feel really weird so I think we will double barrel her surname and then it doesn't matter if I keep my name or double barrel it if we do get married as either way we'll share at least half if not all of our surname, my other half would just keep his name so would continue to share half of her surname with her.

Personally I would not just give her my surname and not my partners or vice versa, she is our child that we have made together and I feel that both our surnames should be given to her. We'll always be her parents no matter what happens i.e if we get married, don't get married, separate further down the line etc. Even if she decides to just go by one of them in the future, at least on her birth certificate it will be both our names and then it's her choice, just like it would be if she ever gets married and wants to/doesn't want to take her partners name.

I understand though that different people have different connections to their surnames for a multitude of reasons so it's really up to each family to decide what works best for them. I'm an only child so my surname would end with me if I changed it, my other half has siblings from both parents but is the only male with his surname so I think combining our two names is a nice happy solution.

Everyone should just do what works for them at the end of the day and not feel judged by anyone who might disagree with their choice!

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