mum bought ticket to visit for 5 weeks after birth

[carlasberg]

my mum lives outside of the country and is very excited for the birth of her first grandchild. she's just bought a ticket for over a month without asking me first, coming in before my due date and leaving at least a month after. im quite stressed about it. we're very close and I love her very much, but she can be overbearing and not the most helpful, practically speaking (she's not the kind of person that will do our laundry or cook if I need it and doesn't speak the language or know many people here). maybe I should just be grateful for another set of hands to hold baby (though we were planning on hiring professional help), but not including me in her decision to visit doesn't instil a lot of confidence about how much she'll be willing to respond to my actual needs or desires or rules when she's here. she insists she did it because of COVID and all the uncertainties about quarantine etc., and says she doesn't plan to stay with us, but it is a lot to worry about, and I guess I'd like some reassurance we'll figure it all out.

That sounds very intrusive. My DM invites horsefly for a fortnight after the birth luckily lockdown happened so she was not able. It would have been truly horrendous finding my feet with DP and having my DM there, we’re not even close.

Fingers crossed you go a fortnight over then you’re only left with 2 weeks to deal with can she stay in a hotel/b&b? Can you tell her no thanks?

Herself * not horsefly

Who wouldn’t want their mum (if they’ve got a good relationship) to be around after their baby’s birth? It’s not as though she plans to stay with you. How very strange

I think I would reply to her.

Really? YOu booked this trip at such a time without asking me? really?
Honetly Mum what were you thinking!

and then wait.
She will either bulldoze over you, or have a massive reality check and come back with - Oh yeah, maybe not.

Or
reply with- Mum that is great. I would love you to come and do all the cooking and housework while I am snuggled up with my baby.

But to be honest - she has said she isn't going to stay with you, will that work? Will she be able to stay independantly with no language etc?

Is she even allowed in the country? If she is staying Else where I would want whoever comes into contact with my new born tightly controlled. If you really don’t want it say no. You are an adult now.

You may go up to one or two weeks over and then she will be gone a few weeks after the baby. Tbh if she isn’t staying then it’s not such a big deal IMO. Have a list of things she can do for you. Be direct.

I personally cannot wait to have my mum stay for a couple of weeks when baby is born but that's because I know she'll be a massive help and support.

I think your mum should have at least run it by you first but at the same time she's probably just so excited at the prospect of a grandchild and thought you'd expect her to some anyway. If she's not actually staying with you then hopefully there won't be too many issues and you can ask for her help as needed. Where is she staying?

Pcar20 Do you think perhaps the mother should have asked her daughter before buying a ticket to come to a place where she doesn't speak the language? I would think this is what a thoughtful mother, who genuinely wants to help, would do. OP has described her as overbearing. Her buying the ticket suggests she wants things her own way. So your response Who wouldn't want their Mum strikes a strange note.

@HelenUrth that’s such a mumsnet staple ‘overbearing’. I’d genuinely have been hurt had my mum NOT booked a ticket to be with me in these circumstances. I suppose we all have different relationships, I’m just glad I have the type of relationship with mine that I would be thrilled to find out she’d gone to such lengths to be with me

@Luckyelephant1

I personally cannot wait to have my mum stay for a couple of weeks when baby is born but that's because I know she'll be a massive help and support.

I think your mum should have at least run it by you first but at the same time she's probably just so excited at the prospect of a grandchild and thought you'd expect her to some anyway. If she's not actually staying with you then hopefully there won't be too many issues and you can ask for her help as needed. Where is she staying?

She actually did this a few months back and then cancelled the ticket which I really appreciated! I must have jinxed it by praising her thoughtful behaviour so many times to friends...

I'd be delighted for her to stay for 3 weeks (which is what I told her those few months ago). My dream would be a few weeks at the beginning and then a few weeks a few months on. The problem is she's planning to stay for 6 weeks, during a pandemic. She doesn't have plans about where to stay - is asking me to look around for her. I don't know what will or won't be available in two months' time. It's just a lot.

@PCar20 @HelenUrth

Hey - I love my mum, and she is also quite intense. Maybe overbearing is the wrong word, but really - extremely intense. She has been sending me advice about how to get pregnant and how to live as a pregnant person and how to give birth and how to care for babies years before I was pregnant, or even married (like, when I was in my twenties). So I feel a little protective of myself, and know that she's very, very eager.

As I mention above, she bought a ticket for the same dates back in December, and when I asked her to wait (since the vaccine wasn't even rolled out yet, and I was still quite earlier on in the pregnancy, waiting on tests etc), she completely understood. Now she's just done the same thing again, again without asking me. I absolutely want her to visit, but being in a foreign country for 6 weeks without other family or plans, during a pandemic, is a lot. 2 or 3 weeks - brilliant! 6 weeks, without checking in first? A little much. But you're also right that I should be grateful for our relationship. I feel guilty saying so, but I'd feel a lot easier if I could rely on her to help cook, clean or do laundry - since I know it will be physically more difficult for me to do those things. I know (because she said so) that what she really wants is to just stare into my eyes and hold the babies. Also sweet, I guess - but I'm a bit panicked.

@welshmercury @Isadora2007 @steppemum

this is all very helpful, thank you!
yes, I'm an adult -- just so difficult to assert the boundaries sometimes. she gets so very upset and defensive.

I like the idea of a clear list.

this is what I get for living far away from her, of course!

@PCar20 Maybe that’s just you personally though. My mum is like my best friend but I certainly wouldn’t be ‘genuinely hurt’ if she didn’t book to stay with me for 5 weeks after DC was born - she has her own life and things to do!

OP don’t feel guilty, nobody should book to visit someone for over a month without asking them - let alone just after they’ve had a baby!

You love her and you say you are close, so as badly planned as it is, try to make the best of it. First, make sure she quarantines properly and be strict about her not seeing you until that's done. Then, speak to her in advance to prep the situation. Explain that once she's here you will really appreciate her help and support with the household jobs such as laundry so that you can spend time recovering and bonding with the baby - set out what you're expecting and need so that when the time comes and you're exhausted it's less of a struggle.

@StressedTired the problem is that she absolutely just does what she feels like, regardless of what she says she'll do (hence the whole situation in the first place; she said she wouldn't book without our discussing it first, and then did so... twice). this has been the case my whole life, and its why I get anxious about the long stays. she'll say she'll do x, but then just does whatever she wants. she's a young, free spirit in that way. I guess I can still try to be clear, though.

'free spirit' - or 'selfish pain in the arse' as most normal people would call it. Well done for not inheriting this attitude.

tell her no. There is a pandemic. No-one can make plans. Tough.

My sister and I both had this... in hindsight it had an impact on the births of our children. Grandchild No1 was overdue and had to be induced, GC2's labour started with Grandmother was ordered to leave the house and spend the night at other daughters house, later my mother said she didn't feel welcome... GC3 was born in a 2 hour window while grandparents were taken out for lunch and a walk round a stately home by the one who was not pregnant.

I suggest you do hypnobirthing to have control over your own space and your own feelings around this.

I did say no but she came anyway. By GC4 we had had a massive family fall out and she stayed away. Blissful labour and birth.

Just out of interest why were you going to buy in help?
Could you and dh not manage?
I think your mum would be a good compromise, and it will be a help for you, especially if you set ground rules.

Don't look for places for her to stay. It's impossible at the moment to say what will be available at the time anyway. If she asks, just say you've found nothing and she should get a refund on her ticker.

[quote carlasberg]@StressedTired the problem is that she absolutely just does what she feels like, regardless of what she says she'll do (hence the whole situation in the first place; she said she wouldn't book without our discussing it first, and then did so... twice). this has been the case my whole life, and its why I get anxious about the long stays. she'll say she'll do x, but then just does whatever she wants. she's a young, free spirit in that way. I guess I can still try to be clear, though.[/quote]
Just because it's always been that way doesn't mean it has to be this way now. Assert yourself! Explain to her that this is a really special but difficult time for you - expecting a baby during a pandemic lockdown - and that you want things to be planned and organised to work the way you want it.

@Devlesko im actually pregnant with twins, and have been looking into getting help for the days that my husband can't be home at all as I'll likely be recovering from a c-section. my mother doesn't really abide by "ground rules" (hence her getting these tickets in the first place - after I'd explicitly asked her to wait until we came up with a plan together first).
I do like the idea of trying to be as concrete as possible, and hoping for the best - but she's been quite clear that her main help will be just holding and enjoying the babies. I know I'll also need help with cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. When I visit home, I'm the one that does all of this things, so its hard to trust that I'll be able to rely on her to do it for me.

What would you like her to book? Go back to her and tell her what works for you.

My mother did similar. I think people saying 'you'll appreciate the help' have very different kinds of mothers. Mine expected meals to be cooked for her and to be ferried around sightseeing 😊 I regret not being stronger and saying no to her her when she announced her plans.

@StressedTired you're totally right! I'm 35 years old and they've been this way quite a while, with most attempts at assertion yielding quite terrible fights or accusations of my heartlessness. Just to vent - before the pandemic, for instance, she came to visit (also on a whim) for 3 weeks immediately after I'd already been home with her for a month I spent the better part of that time neglecting work to hang out w her but all she remembers was what "workaholics" me and my husband were whilst at home...

I'd go back and ask her to either adjust so that she is only here for 10 days after birth or change it so that it is when they are about 6 weeks old. Then you can get in whatever help you need and enjoy your babies.

Also remember though that her time with them will be limited due to travelling, especially with current restrictions.